Tripping The Rift: The Movie

TRIPPING THE RIF THE MOVIE...

Target area:
Target Level: None

Chode McBlob - Location Unknown

Jacket:
Material ID, 42556 Size: 38

Thread level:
Minimal

Pants:
Material ID: 47 829

Size 31, Unknown Substance

Suddenly, trolling those

dives for your birthday party

doesn't seem quite

so bad, Uncle Chode.

I have a bad feeling about this.

Yeah, black and white usually means

the f***ing producers ran out of money.

She's talking about

this place, dumb ass!

Relax! You'll feel a whole lot better

once you get your

share of the money.

I can't believe how much

these morons are paying us

to be the royal princess'

bodyguard for just a weekend.

Thank God this job's

only for two days!

These local yokels

give me the creeps!

Nonsense.

They're probably just shy.

You just have to be the

one that's friendly first!

A pleasant good

evening to you, madam.

- F*** off!

- That went well.

Hey, Uncle Chode,

you've seen the princess.

Is she beautiful and sweet and

innocent like in all the fairy tales?

Hier kommen sie the princess.

Lord,

let her be a hot little virgin

anxious to learn the

wicked ways of the world.

Damn, ho, baby!

Somebody's been

hitting the super size.

Well, let's just say they call

them fairy tales for a reason, kid.

Is it Halloween already?

Geez, you tell me.

You all look a little old

to be trick-or-treating.

We've been hired to

guard the princess.

In that case, let

me introduce myself.

- I'm...

- Don't tell me. Eyesore!

No! I don't know why everyone

thinks my name is Eyesore.

Maybe it's because you've got...

What?

Nothing.

Who is the inconsiderate bastard that's

bothering us at this time of the night?

They're here to

call the princess.

- Yeah. My name...

- Don't tell me. Swollen Hemorrhoid?

May I call you Swollen?

I'm Frau Schmidt.

I'm Her Highness'

lady in waiting.

Show them in!

Walk this way.

Too easy.

Sorry, but your cow will

have to go in the barn.

I beg your pardon!

I am sorry.

Your talking cow will

have to go in the barn!

I am not an animal!

Piss off, you murdering swine!

What? How dare you

talk to me like...

Who's out there?

What did you say?

Nothing!

La Cage aux Poofter

So I said to him,

"Dr. Richard Turner is so formal.

"Do you mind if I call you Dick?"

Give me your clothes!

You forgot to say

please, sweetie.

Okay, girls, time to close up.

If you think I'm staying open

all night again, you're...

big nuts.

I said give me your clothes!

Hey, girlfriend, we don't want any trouble.

Get going while the getting's good.

Primary Social Protocol

a.) Exterminate; b.) Ignore;

c.) Inflict wedgy

How would you like a wedgy?

Sounds like my old gym teacher.

I'm looking for Chode.

You just missed him. He was here

asking about renting the place.

The homophobic little bastard took

off when he realized it was a gay bar!

If I ever see you again,

I'll scratch your

eyes out, you b*tch!

When I am king,

you will be Queen

Mother, Mother.

One minute!

One stinking minute!

What is it, woman?

Last night there was another

threat on the life of the princess!

Let me see that note!

I hope that security teams that I

asked you to hire knows their stuff!

Yes. I got the best

bodyguards in the business.

They'd better be! If anything

were to happen to her,

our nation would

be without a leader!

We would find one somewhere.

Nonsense! There is no

one left of royal blood.

She is the last of

an ancient, noble line

that goes back

hundreds of years!

Ja, ja, ja!

Don't let the door hit you

on the ass on the way out!

Did you know Her

Highness' royal crown

is on your moose head?

Did you know, even in this light,

I can see your moose-stache?

That was close!

It's time to kill me

one big-ass ugly princess

and become the king!

This is torture.

She hasn't done anything but look

at herself in the mirror for hours.

How could she stand it?

Those earrings are lovely!

What do you know?

It must be wonderful

to be in a position

to make a difference in

the lives of your people.

Oh, them.

They're the reason I don't

have a minute for myself.

Why am I brushing my own hair?

You, with the big tits,

get over here and

start brushing!

A hundred strokes!

Yeah, I could use a hundred

strokes myself about know.

I'm bored!

I brought along a word game.

Good idea! You're not

as stupid as you look!

Set it up and make it snappy!

Over here!

I had to get you alone.

Here it comes.

Look, lady, you're not my type.

I get broads like you

hitting on me all the time.

Let me tell you how it is.

You're too old, you're too ugly,

and for the record, I'd like to be

the only one in the

relationship who shaves.

I have no sexual interest in you!

Hey! Hey, what am

I, chopped liver?

Listen, the princess

is in great danger!

I don't mean to

tell you your job,

but I think the prime

minister is up to no good.

The prime minister?

He seems like a

nice enough guy.

You think so?

Maybe I'm just being paranoid.

Oftentimes we judge

people so harshly

when we are only

projecting our own fears.

Man is inherently good.

Yeah, that's what I believe.

I hope that's what

you do believe,

because if anything

happens to the princess,

you and your friends

will all be put to death!

What?

I didn't see anything

about death in the contract.

It's standard.

Always read the fine print.

Kanot, and I get

double points for the K.

Just a minute.

That's not a word.

It is so.

Really?

Use it in a sentence.

My authority kanot

be questioned.

Otherwise, a certain robot's

gonna get his fairy ass

carted off to the scrap heap!

Well, now that I

hear it in a sentence.

Hey, where you going?

We have to keep an eye

on you at all times.

Please!

I'm just going to

the powder room,

and it ain't to take a powder.

Somebody go with her. T'nuk.

- Everything come out okay in there?

- Kick the door in!

How is she?

Remember those pretty earrings I

admired on the princess earlier?

Well, there's not

a scratch on them.

Holy sh*t!

We gotta get out of here!

If the princess' subjects

find out she's been murdered,

we'll all be executed.

Executed?

Uncle Chode, is it true?

Are we doomed?

Well, if you want to see

the glass as half empty.

Technically...

Chode! Really!

Bob, I need you to lock

into our coordinates

and beam us back on board.

- No can do, El Capitan.

- What do you mean?

I kind of shorted out the

beaming device with a fork.

You should have

never left me alone!

Geez, how the hell

did that happen?

Well, I was trying to beam my

raisin toast out of the toaster

with the transporter

beam and a fork.

Why, for Christ's sake?

Because my toast was

stuck in the toaster.

We're toast, Uncle Chode!

Geez, I'm surrounded

by f***ing morons!

Look, if we could find out

who killed the princess,

maybe they'll go easy on us.

Everybody, grab the rest of her.

Hey, you better not be doing

anything weird in there.

Primary social Protocol: a) I'm fine;

b) I'll be out in a minute

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