Tripping The Rift: The Movie Page #2

c) My Penis is caught in the bedspring

My penis is caught

in the bedsprings.

Okay. That's all right, then.

Geez, whoever said "Die young

and leave a beautiful corpse"

- never met this stiff.

- Chode, what do we do now?

We gather every

shred of evidence,

pore over every clue,

go to any extreme necessary

to determine the perp's identity.

What is it?

It's a short, curly purple hair of

some sort. Probably the killer's.

Or your own pubic hair, dumb ass!

That's another theory

that deserves exploring.

Princess! Princess!

Princess, it's almost time

for your noon appearance.

Mein gott!

What has happened to the princess?

After a battery

of sophisticated tests,

I've determined she

died of natural causes.

But she's been cut to ribbons!

Well, I mean, after

that, naturally, she died.

For all our sakes,

no one must find out!

I need time to sink.

Your Majesty?

God damn it!

I needed more time than that!

It's noon, Your Highness.

Time for you to greet

your loyal subjects.

This is not time to fall

apart, Your Highness.

Your public awaits.

Pull yourself together.

I know, Mother. I get my

sense of humor from you.

I'm brushing my teeth.

I'll be right out!

You will?

Well, please hurry.

Your subjects can't

wait to see you!

And frankly, neither can I.

"I'll be right out"?

Why'd you say that?

If she doesn't show, the townspeople

will know immediately something is wrong.

Princess! Princess!

T'nuk, grab that head.

The princess will be right out.

Acquiring Transportation

Acceptable

The suckers are buying it.

How can this be?

She's dead!

Show's over, folks!

The princess is dead...

tired.

Hope to see you all

at the coronation.

Free beer and pretzels!

You two, come with me!

I suspect the princess has

been the victim of "vowel" play.

Sir, what exactly is"vowel" play?

Don't nobody with a brain

understand the English?

Okay. We need an escape plan.

We're trapped!

We're not going anywhere!

Nonsense!

You're going to certain death

unless...

- Unless?

- No, no! It's too crazy,

too far-fetched.

It goes against all the

laws of nature and God!

You're not talking about

my sex life, are you?

No! I'm talking about bringing

the dead princess back to life!

Am I hearing you right?

I don't know. When's the last

time you had your hearing tested?

You really should take her to

the vet every once in a while.

They're going to knock

down the door any minute.

She's right.

Everyone grab a piece

of princess to go,

and follow me through

the secret passageway.

- Where does it lead?

- Let me guess.

To a long-forgotten

laboratory

where a mad scientist

once re-animated the dead?

Does someone got that

women's intuition or what?

I'll leave a note to

throw them off the scent.

Break it down!

Gone to the movies.

Double feature.

Grabbing a bite after.

Don't wait up.

Let's see.

The knee bone's

connected to the thigh bone

The thigh bone's

connected to the hip bone

Chode, you can't perform an

operation as complex as this.

Well, not so fast.

According to this Re-animating

the Dead for Dumb Asses book,

it's not so hard.

Okay, Six, plug in that electrical

V-shaped thing that goes "zizz."

Gus, find me a giant

needle and thread.

T'nuk, make sure

the moon roof opens.

Whip, go over to that

shelf and grab me a brain.

Geniu:
Albert Einstein

Careful, Whip!

Don't worry.

There's another one.

Senator Diane Finestein...

Mel Brookstein...

Hearty Fiberstein.

Chode McBlob

Located

Hurry! The storm is

almost directly overhead.

Raise the gurney!

Give my creature life!

What a pretty night

it turned out to be.

Look, I don't need a pretty night.

I need f***ing lightning!

Is there any other source of

intense electricity around here?

Ja! I could divert

the electricity

from the entire

kingdom's power grid

to the cables

you are holding...

that is, if I can

reach the switch.

You've got to try.

Okay.

Did you say something?

Could you at least wait

until I let go of the cables?

My apologies.

Okay, now.

Bring us down!

Love the hair.

It's sort of Liza meets Lily Munster.

Great job, everybody.

My God!

Look at this place!

Don't tell me I'm playing

dinner theater in the Poconos.

No, this is Slovinia.

Slovinia?

I've opened out of town

before, but this is ridiculous.

You were dead, and we

brought you back to life.

Okay, now you're starting

to sound like my agent.

I am so parched.

Who does a queen have to do

to get a drink around here?

Your Royal Highness,

welcome back.

Royal Highness?

Let me explain, lady.

Mister...

whatever the hell team

you're playing for.

Look, in this show, you play a

princess who gets crowned queen

and lives happily ever after.

Unless, of course, they

declare you a total weirdo

and the fickle public

turns their back on you.

You mean like Tom Cruise?

There's an angry mob led by the

prime minister surrounding the castle.

It sounds like he's whipping

them up into a frenzy.

Not the face. Not the face!

They have killed the princess.

Sliced her up like a turkey

on Thanksgiving morning.

I say we lynch them first and

ask intelligent questions later!

I haven't seen critics

this out for blood

since Puff Daddy did

Raisin in the Sun.

You're going to have to go

down there and face the people!

Let me know how

that turns out.

Chode, we don't

have any choice.

We've gotta escort

the princess out there

and see if her subjects

will accept her...

him.

I gotta take a wicked leak.

Where's the men's room?

Is anyone really stupid enough to

buy that big lug is the princess?

Is that Princess

Babe-hot or what?

Show's on.

All hail the royal princess!

Smile at the people.

Watch where you're putting

that thing, you buggy-eyed ass!

Wait a minute.

Why is your voice so deep?

Friday night's

my poker night.

Too much booze and cigarettes.

Well, that satisfied

my curiosity.

I'm not buying it!

If you're the princess, sing

the princess' favorite song.

Sorry, just warming

up my instrument.

Hit it, Frau!

I love Slovinia

In the summer

when it sizzles

I love Slovinia

in the spring

When the frigging

flowers bloom!

I love Slovinia

in the winter

When it's snowing

and snowing and snowing

You've got to admit, it snows

like a motherfuck around here!

But when you see

Slovinia in the fall

That's when I love Slovinia

When she loves Slovinia

That's when I love Slovinia

That's when

she loves Slovinia

That's when I love Slovinia

Most of al.

Not bad.

We call it a backers audition.

How much can I

put you down for?

Put me down for one

pitchfork in the belly!

Wait a minute. I say we

let the people decide.

Would you like to continue to live

your lives in quiet desperation,

living off the stale crumbs

from this tyrant's table,

or have a fabulous queen

who's going to put on

hit show after hit show

and make this town a bundle off

busloads of out-of-town suckers.

Perhaps we could put on Hunchback

of Notre Dame, The Musical?

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