Tromeo and Juliet

---

1

Two households

different as dried plums

and pears in fair Manhattan,

where we lay our scene.

Two homes adrift in hate

for 20 years a score,

awash in sin

for long deprived of dreams.

Once long ago

they planted seeds of hate,

which bloomed to constant

battles for revenge.

Soon, murder was

the awful commonplace...

And everything once real

seemed like pretend.

Deep within this storm,

a love in two has sparked,

spawned in a box of glass

one star-crossed night.

Now if faithful should hug

to live within the dark

but see how many fall

beneath love's light.

Oh, yes, the splice

of their unholy vice

and the firmest grip

of their parent's rage.

It'll only ever end

by one father

and his apt demise

which is now the two hours'

traffic of our stage.

Star-crossed lovers

both ignore

your elders' trivial ploys.

They hold no trace

of passion's truer joys.

Instead of justice,

do now hold your castle wall.

Your deepest love will battle

reasons gone.

All this if you with

patient eyes attend,

we'll see what devils broke,

our toil shall mend.

(Gun fires)

LEMMY:
Act 1

never mind the yearling fatted

calf, is the Ques and Capulets.

(Band singing)

(Passionate moaning)

My sister!

Hey, there. Hey.

Hey. Hey.

That's my sister.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

You stupid sh*t.

That was the best f***

in this bar.

Hey, hey, Georgie.

I have some crystal meth

in my underwear.

Let's go down

to the men's bathroom

and snort it on up.

F*** you, Sammy.

You're such a moron.

Come on, Georgie.

Maybe you will get lucky,

you know what I mean?

Oh!

I'm your sister.

You're not

supposed to do that.

Not to me.

But hey, you know

the way the world is now

we've got gang bangers,

we've got perverts,

we've got anorexia.

Everything's in style.

If we just throw

a little incest into the mix,

pretty soon the world will be

like one great big hug.

And I, Sammy Capulet along

with my sister Georgie Herald

the dawning of the age

of the aquarius,

just like in a hair.

Yeah, I'm sure, Sammy,

me and you and our mutant,

inbred children.

At least they'd be better

than those cursed Ques.

Did you hear

what they did last night?

They threw a dead pigeon

through Uncle Cappy's window.

It splattered all over

the divan, intestines of--

I know! I know.

I hate the Ques!

Hey, hey, Georgie.

Look what I'm gonna do just

in case they show up tonight.

-Don't be retarded.

-Sorry.

(Laughter)

TROMEO:
You guys,

after this I gotta cruise.

What's wrong with

going to the Art Club

with me and Ben?

I got to go check up

on my old man, Murray.

Why? You got to bring him

a teething ring?

You believe this guy?

I think it's sweet.

It's like, um, Codependency,

right?

BENNY:
It's like

being a p*ssy is like

what it's being like.

We done?

Hey, why don't you come on over

after the Art Club?

Check out the new

CD-ROM I got.

Sub-Humanoid Meltdown.

Yeah, yeah, we'll come over

and check it out.

Especially if the Capulets

are the Sub-Humanoids

you're melting down.

Every time I think about

that poor little squirrel.

Poor little squirrel?

Murray, you threw a pigeon

through the window.

It was already dead.

That's different.

TROMEO:
Hey, shut up.

We're supposed to be normal

people leading normal lives.

Working 9 to 5,

going to church on Sunday.

Normal. Maiming, murdering,

crippling park animals,

it's a little abnormal.

You know what I mean?

WOMAN:
Is it gonna hurt?

This will be over in a snap.

TROMEO:
It's one

of the reasons I like Rosy.

You know, when I'm with her

I don't feel much hatred.

-Not even toward the Capulets.

-Ah! Oh!

TROMEO:
It sounds dumb but

I feel like

I have a future now.

You know,

a home in the suburbs,

a barbecue in the backyard,

family picnics.

Look, look,

I still get a piece of wood

every time I take

one of those bastards out.

And you, Tromeo,

this week it's Rosy,

next week some other

double-d slice of poontang

is gonna have you whipped,

clipped, and double dipped.

You, you don't learn.

TROMEO:
Come on, Murray.

We've all had to put up with

the Caps since we were kids.

You'd think you were

sick of it by now.

Instead I sometimes think that

that sh*t is the only reason

you even hang out with us.

That's not the only reason,

just a mark

on the positive side.

On the negative side

is the fact that

both you guys are so f***ing

disgusting looking

and I look at you

and my stomach becomes upset

and I begin to vomit.

I really love it.

I love it so much.

How do I look?

Like a freak.

Shut the f*** up.

I'll see you guys

after the club.

Bye, Trom.

Thank you.

One of these days,

somebody's going to teach you

some f***ing manners.

Bad monkey.

(Punk music playing)

WOMAN:
Mummy.

Peter, your breasts are more

pear-shaped than my sister's.

But they'll do.

A**hole.

(Laughing)

I wanna ask you something.

Why did you kill

that little squirrel?

-F*** you.

-No, f*** you.

-F*** you.

-No, f*** you.

No, f*** you.

No, seriously,

Sammy, f*** you.

I said it first.

Dad?

Tromeo!

Tromeo!

Wherefore art thou, Tromeo?

Dad?

Dad?

The front door was left open.

Anyone could have just come in

and robbed us blind.

Do we have

any site left to steal?

(Farting)

Tromeo, there you are.

I was having myself a dream

about these cows.

I got to get you in the bed.

Come on.

Turn around, Martini.

I got an itch to f*** you

in the ass.

Come on, Tracy.

Let's do it.

We got five minutes

before the manager gets here.

I only need two.

Oh, fingers.

I love fingers.

Give me fingers.

Excellent.

-(Screaming)

-Hey, hey, hey.

I want to give you

one more chance.

Apologize for giving me

the finger.

I--I didn't

give you the finger.

I still have all my fingers.

Not anymore.

-(Screaming)

-God!

Clean that off,

I'll get fired.

I'll get fired, man.

(Phone ringing)

Ooh, yeah!

Take those titties, Bluto.

That's it, baby.

Only you could do it, baby.

Tromeo sucks at it.

(Phone ringing)

Oh, God.

Who's spoiling my fun?

Hold on a second, baby-cakes,

I'll be right back.

-Hello?

-Rosy?

Tromeo!

Hi! How are you doing?

I just wanted to call

and say that I had a great time

and everything last night.

Yeah, I'm thrilled.

Really, Tromeo,

I'm like really thrilled.

I miss you.

What are you doing?

(Moaning)

I'm just making the costume...

for...Cap Capulets.

You know,

costume party, his bash.

You got invited to that?

Yes!

Yes. I was in...in...invited.

Yes. I got to go, got to go now.

# My name is Capulet,

I got a corn nut for a dick #

# My name is Capulet,

my a**hole's full of worms #

# My name is Capulet #

# I am a hopeless sh*t #

# My name is Capulet,

I'm a big fat dick #

Sing along!

# My name is Capulet-- #

# I like polka-- #

Get away from my house,

you little punks.

# I shall f***ing die #

You a**hole.

-You, my friend,are a piece of sh*t!

-What is it, Cap baby?

Once more Monty Que suck shits

are trying to terrorize me.

See, that's Benny

and that Martini freak, see.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes