Try Seventeen

Test, test, test.

This is a test.

One, two, test.

Kid?

Are you lost, kid?

-Hi. Where's your big brother, kid?-I don't have one.

Yeah? Don't you look a little too kiddy like to be in college?

You still wetting the bed?

Oh, congratulations. Now, here's the deal.

I listen to ska music, right? Just ska.

No rap, punk, hip-hop, heavy metal...

...classical, classic rock, new wave, New Age...

...bluegrass, blues, jazz and no f***ing country.

I am not bumpkin like the rest of you pukes.

And I get the bottom bunk.

-Better watch your ass, punk!-Yeah, punk.

You see us again, you'd better watch out, kid.

Yeah, kid.

Hello, my name is Jones Dillon. I'm calling about the apartment.

I can show it to you now. Tomorrow's fine too.

No, now would be good.

I got the St. Louis blues

And I'm blue as I can be

-Because my baby---That's very pretty, miss.

Oh, thank you.

I don't know. Aren't you a little young to rent an apartment?

No, miss. I'm a legitimate border.

-What's that there?-Just my things.

I see, but most people I rent to like to see the place before they take it.

Okay.

There are two white girls upstairs, and a white man has the first floor.

You'll be just fine here, Jones. Snug like a bug.

Thank you.

-What is this?-My rent check?

-Twelve thousand dollars?-Well, that was the figure on the lease.

It's my grandfather's money. Or it was, anyway.

He went to college here, and the will said I had to too.

I didn't want to go to Texas.

-What's in Texas?-Just my mother.

You'll be glad to know I dropped out of college.

You told me all a writer needs...

...is his eyes and ears and sense enough to use them.

Besides, you know I don't play well with the other kids.

-Better watch your ass, punk!-Yeah, punk.

You know how much this means to me. Don't be like that.

Look, I'll be here-- Don't be this way.

I'll just hang up right now.

I'm hanging up now! A**hole!

Well, well, well. Come in, come in.

I don't know what you're after, but make no mistake...

...you have come to absolutely the right place to get it.

You can call me "Mother." I am the woman of this house. And you I call...?

Jones. Jones Dillon.

You listen to Mother, because she speaks the truth.

There is nothing, absolutely nothing as important as a bed.

-Nothing?-Nothing.

A happy bed makes for a happy home, Mr. Jones...

...if you take my meaning.

Jones.

Jones. I knew a man named Jones once. Yes, indeed.

Maybe he was your daddy.

-I doubt it, miss.-Well, I wouldn't be too sure, now.

He was a handsome devil, just like you are.

-Phone?-I don't have one yet. I'll get one.

Well, you be sure and let Mother know just as soon as you do.

-Hi, Mother.-Oh, boys, this is Mr. Jones.

Will you tell him when you can deliver him his furniture?

-Be a week at least.-Be at least a week, maybe two.

-Could be two.-That's okay. Fine.

-We arent asking.-No one's asking you nothing.

Now, you boys shut the hell up...

...talking to my customers like that. Now, get out.

-Sorry, Mother.-Go on.

Get.

From my second husband.

Kid, you arent 21.

Twenty-two, 23 in December. You can see there.

My mother, she was deep into all of it: booze, pills...

...everything she could get her hands on.

I was born 1 0 weeks premature.

By the time doctors discovered the bone disease...

...it was too late to treat properly.

I've been suffering since before I was born.

Damn.

Do you need anything else?

-A pack of cigarettes.-Just a second. Anything else?

A pack of cigarettes.

Scheiss auto.

Sh*t.

Brad?

Come on.

Hi. I'm--

Think you can mess with me, you little bastard?

Think you can?

-Hi, Jane.-Hi, Brad.

-Who's your friend?-A**hole tried to attack me.

Bad boy. Think I should shoot him?

No, I'll do it.

Well, well, well. Look here.

-Caught yourself a deviant, did you?-I live here, you lunatics.

-What?-Boy says he lives here, miss.

I'm in 2B, upstairs. I just moved in.

He's making it up.

-Listen, hot stuff, are you 2B or not?-Yes, damn. I'm 2B.

Well, all right. I just got you wired up...

...for the great wide world and everything in it.

I saw the whole thing.

It was a mistake.

-Don't be so sure. Are you okay?-Yeah.

Come on.

This makes us neighbors, I suppose.

-I'm Lisa.-I'm Jones. Hi.

Hi. You can keep them if you want. Call it a housewarming.

Thank you.

I'd ask you to stay....

And I'd ask you, where would I sit?

You can sit here.

I think it's much too soon for that, don't you?

Goodbye, Jones.

-Hello?-Hello, Blanche. Guess who.

Lovely, my only begotten son.

They kicked you out of school already?

I wasn't expecting this call for at least a month.

Relax, Blanche, you'll spill your drink.

I'm calling with good news.

I'm calling from my very own phone...

...from the comfort of my Very own apartment.

Youre what? Have you lost your mind, Jones?

If there's anyone in this world who cannot take care of himself, it is you.

-Do you hear me?-No, you're right.

In fact, I've been interviewing help all week.

I'm leaning towards this beautiful Asian girl.

-Cantonese.-Cantonese, I mean.

She's expert in ancient massage techniques.

See there? I knew it.

All those prep schools turned you into a little sex monster, didn't they?

-I called to ask you something.-Oh, God, here we go.

I'm going to need a copy of my birth certificate for school.

Yeah, I bet. Well, have the school get in touch with me, then.

-I have a right, Blanche.-For Christ sakes, Jones...

...couldn't we have a conversation...

...where you didn't dredge pall the footnotes of your ancestry?

What if I called your father a footnote?

Just don't call him a manipulative son of a b*tch.

I'd hate for us to agree on something.

I think my own father would like to know where I am, what I'm doing.

It's late. You probably have school tomorrow. Jones?

Don't you dare-- Jones? Well, son of a--

B*tch.

I have done something to make you angry?

No, not you.

Yes, indeed, Mr. Jones.

A happy bed makes for a happy home...

...and Mother here is going to show you just how happy a home can be.

-My bed hasn't been delivered yet.-Just you leave everything to me.

I'd have called first if I had that number.

Yes, indeed, Mr. Jones.

Get comfortable, Mr. Jones.

Oh, Jones, you area handsome devil!

Oh, my. Yes!

Let me feel how happy you are!

Mr. Jones, you're a happy daddy now.

Kinky! Wild!

Mr. Jones. Rough, just like your daddy was.

Jones!

Damn.

Jones!

No, don't!

-One, two....-No!

Boy, there's something you probably ought to know.

You got sh*t-wipe sticking out of your fly.

-Don't. Please.-One, two--

Freeze.

Put it down, fellows. Nice and easy.

We can't very well do nothing, being as we is frozen and all.

Bad joke, daddy-o.

One more and I blow your little sisters best friend right out of your trousers.

Think they treat all customers that way?

-No, you're just lucky.-Lucky you were there.

-There, that's all of it.-Wow.

If you hadn't shown up, I don't know. Let me get you a beer.

"Freeze." The looks on their faces.

-Hi, Brad.-Who guessed they could be polite?

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