Tugboat Annie

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HEY, MOM!

WHAT IS IT, SON?

LISTEN. IF A FISH

WEIGHS 10 POUNDS

AND HIS BODY WEIGHS

TWICE AS MUCH AS HIS HEAD

AND HIS HEAD WEIGHS

TWICE AS MUCH AS HIS TAIL,

HOW MUCH WOULD:

HIS TAIL WEIGH?

HOW DO I KNOW?

SAY, YOU GO ON WITH YOUR LESSONS

AND STOP ASKING ME RIDDLES.

IT AIN'T A RIDDLE.

THAT'S MY ALGEBRA.

AW, IT'S TOO HARD.

I CAN'T GET IT!

STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!

SAY, LISTEN.

IF YOU'RE GONNA GIVE UP AS EASY AS THAT,

YOU AIN'T NEVER GONNA AMOUNT TO NOTHING.

DON'T YOU WAN TO BE A SUCCESS?

SURE, BUT... BUT CAN' A FELLA BE A SUCCESS

WITHOUT KNOWING HOW MUCH

A FISH'S TAIL WEIGHS?

HMM! CAN'T LEARN NOTHING

FROM A FISH'S TAIL.

HA! FISH'S TAIL.

HERE. GIVE ME

YOUR BOOK OF KNOWLEDGE.

ANNIE, CAN I HAVE

50 CENTS?

NO, YOU CAN' HAVE 50 CENTS.

NOW..."WHO WAS SOCRA-

CRITES-CRA-"

SOCRATES.

YEAH, SOCRATES.

"ANSWER:
A GREEK

PHILOSOPHEER."

CAN I HAVE 25 CENTS?

NO, YOU CAN' HAVE 25 CENTS.

WHY CAN'T I HAVE

25 CENTS?

BECAUSE I AIN'T GO 25 CENTS!

THAT'S WHY YOU CAN' HAVE 25 CENTS.

NOW..."WHAT WAS THE

FIRST WONDER OF THE WORLD?

ANSWER:
THE PYR-I-MIDS

OF EGYPT."

CAN I HAVE 10 CENTS?

NO, YOU CAN' HAVE 10 CENTS.

THERE'S MORE WAYS TO KILL THE

CAT THAN KISSING IT TO DEATH.

AW, THAT'S

ENOUGH, MOM.

I DON'T WAN TO LEARN ANY MORE.

LISTEN, SON, YOU GO TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

NOW, "WHAT DID

SAMSON SLAY THE-"

WHAT'S THIS WORD?

I CAN'T SEE I WITHOUT MY GLASSES.

"PHILISTINES."

OH, YEAH.

PHILISTINES.

LOOKED LIKE:

PHILIPPINES TO ME-

"WHAT DID SAMSON SLAY

THE...THE STINES WITH?

ANSWER:
THE JAWBONE

OF AN ASS."

NOW. NOW SEE IF YOU

KNOW THE ANSWERS.

"WHO WAS SO-CRAT-EES?"

SOCRATES?

OH, YES. SOCRATES.

YES. SOCRATES.

HE WAS:

A GREEK PHILOSOPHER.

MM-HMM.

"WHAT WAS THE FIRS WONDER OF THE WORLD?"

THE PYRAMIDS:

OF EGYPT.

OH, I WISH YOUR FATHER

HAD YOUR BRAINS, SON.

NOW..."WHAT DID SAMSON SLAY THE STI

- THE STINES WITH?"

WELL? COME ON.

"WHAT DID SAMSON SLAY

THE SLILISTINES WITH?"

GEE, MOM,

I'VE FORGOTTEN.

WHAT'S THIS?

YOUR CHIN, MOM.

THAT'S THE JAWBONE

OF AN ASS.

THERE AIN'T ENOUGH OF THA HAWSER LEFT TO MAKE A NECKTIE.

AW, SHUT YOUR TRAP,

WILL YOU?

ANNIE WILL KILL YOU,

SURE AS ANYTHING.

WE DON'T USE I NO MORE,

AND ANNIE WON'T MISS IT,

UNLESS YOU TELL HER.

HERE. GET A HOLD

OF THAT.

GIVE US A HAND.

PEEL OFF ABOUT 25 FEET.

THIS 25 MAKES ABOUT 1,800 FEE OF HAWSER YOU DRUNK UP, TERRY.

YOU WAIT TILL:

ANNIE CATCHES YOU.

OH, SHUT YOUR MOUTH

AND GIVE ME THE DOUGH.

THIS IS FOR:

THE SKIPPERS RELIEF FUND.

HA HA HA!

WHERE ARE YOU GOING,

HORSE FACE?

OUT AFTER:

BUSINESS, ANNIE.

CAN I GIVE YOU A TOW?

ANYTIME THE FIREFLY SHOWS

HER HEELS TO THE NARCISSUS,

I'LL SWALLOW THE ANCHOR.

YOU'RE NOT GOING OUT AFTER

THAT SCHOONER, RED SEVERN!

ANYTIME YOU BUTT INTO MY BUSINESS,

I'LL JERK THE SKELETON OUT OF YOU.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,

YOUR BUSINESS?

THE FELLA THAT GETS

THERE FIRST GETS THE JOB,

AND IT'S

GONNA BE ME!

NOT UNLESS YOU SPROU FINS AND A TAIL.

WHAT'S THE MATTER

WITH YOUR DAD, ALEC?

AW, HE'S SICK.

MY GOODNESS!

AGAIN?

AW, IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, IS IT?

OK, SAM.

LET HER GO.

WE GOT A LOAD.

ALL RIGHT, PETE.

CAST OFF!

ALL RIGHT, PETE.

CAST OFF.

GEE, POP, WE'VE GO A GOOD HEAD START,

HAVEN'T WE?

AND WE'LL

KEEP HER THAT WAY.

GEE, MOM, DON'T LET SEVERN

GET THE LAUGH ON US, WILL YOU?

HUH! THE OLD NARCISSUS AIN' NEVER LET US DOWN YET, HAS SHE?

WOULD YOU LIKE:

TO BORROW OUR ENGINES?

HA!

WOULD YOU LIKE TO BORROW

A SMACK IN THE POUT?

GEE, LOOK, MOM. WE'RE

CLOSING UP ON THEM.

SURE. WE'LL SHOW HIM HE

CAN'T SNEAK OUT ON US-

THE SNAKE IN THE BUSH!

BY GOLLY,

IT'S A RACE, MISTER.

THESE PUGET SOUND TUGBOATS

SURE GO AFTER THE BUSINESS.

WELL, MAY THE

BEST MAN WIN.

WE'RE BEATING YOU!

WE'RE BEATING YOU!

BLEAH!

LOOK AT THEM, MOM.

STILL COMING.

DON'T THEY KNOW THEY

MIGHT AS WELL GO HOME?

THEM AS LAUGHS FIRST SOMETIMES

CACKLES UP THE WRONG PANTS LEG.

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

YEE-HOO!

HEY, PETE,

TAKE THE WHEEL.

TERRY!

TERRY!

WHERE IS:

THAT MISPLACED SWAB?

TERRY!

WAS THAT YOU:

HOLLERING, ANNIE?

CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE

COMING UP ON THE SCHOONER?

MAKE A SHOT LINE FAS WITH THAT HAWSER

AND GET READY:

TO HEAVE IT.

NO, NO,

NOT THAT ONE!

THE OLD ROPE HAWSER.

IT'S QUICKER TO HANDLE.

YES, BUT YOU DON' WANT TO USE THAT.

SAY, NOW, YOU GET READY TO

HEAVE IT, AND DON'T YOU MISS.

BUT, ANNIE, HOW DO YOU KNOW THE RATS

AIN'T BEEN GNAWING ON THIS HAWSER?

WHAT WOULD THE RATS

BE WANTING WITH A HAWSER

WITH A BIG PIECE OF CHEESE

LIKE YOU ABOARD?

HEAVE IT, STUPID!

HEAVE IT!

OK, ANNIE!

GOOD WORK, TERRY.

AH!

WHAT'S HAPPENED

TO THE HAWSER?

YOU...

OH!

HEY! SHE LOS THE TOW.

GOT THAT SHOT LINE

READY?

ALL SET, RED.

NEVER MIND, MOM.

MIND? HMM!

WHY SHOULD:

I MIND?

WASN'T SUCH A BIG-PAYING JOB NOHOW.

BABOON!

THAT'S THE THIRD JOB

WE'VE LOST THIS WEEK.

MOM, I'M NOT GOING BACK

TO SCHOOL NEXT YEAR.

WHAT ARE YOU:

TALKING ABOUT?

OF COURSE YOU'RE GOING BACK TO SCHOOL.

HMM! YOU AIN' GONNA BE A QUITTER.

NO, BUT POP'S ALWAYS

DOING THINGS LIKE THAT,

AND IF HE WON'T LOOK

AFTER YOU, WELL-

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

YOUR POP LOOKS:

AFTER ME ALL RIGHT.

WHY, HE'S THE FINEST, BIGGES HUSBAND A WOMAN EVER HAD,

CUSS HIM.

SAY-HA HA!

I ONLY HOPE YOU'RE HALF

AS GOOD A SAILOR AS HE IS

WHEN YOU GROW UP.

TOUGH LUCK, ANNIE.

OH, IT'S ALL

IN THE DAY.

ALL RIGHT, PETE.

MOM?

HMM?

WE GOT TO TALK:

THIS THING OVER.

I'M NOT GOING

BACK TO SCHOOL.

OH, OF COURSE YOU'RE

GOING BACK TO SCHOOL.

YOU GOT TO GE ED-I-CATED. HMM!

TUGBOAT'S NO PLACE FOR A BOY WHO

WANTS TO BE CAPTAIN OF A BIG LINER.

SAY, SUPPOSE YOU WAS

CAPTAIN OF A BIG LINER

AND SOME SWELL PEOPLE

WOULD COME ABOARD,

LIKE A PROFESSOR OR A BANK

PRESIDENT OR A CORONER,

AND THEY SHOULD TALK

TO YOU IN...IN LATIN,

AND YOU WOULDN'T KNOW WHA THEY WAS TALKING ABOUT.

WHY, THAT'D BE TERRIBLE.

THEY MIGH ASK YOU TO HAVE

SOME PATTY FOZE GRAZ (PT DE

FOIE GRAS) OR CAVIOX (CAVIAR)

OR SOMETHING, AND YOU WOULDN' KNOW WHAT THEY WAS SAYING.

HMM! OH, NO. YOU GO TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL.

BUT, MOM,

DON'T YOU SEE-

YOU KNOW, YOUR PAPA AND ME IS

GONNA BUST WIDE-OPEN WITH PRIDE

THE DAY WE SEE YOU GO

KERSLOPPING PAST THE OLD NARCISSUS

ON THE BRIDGE:

OF YOUR OWN LINER.

HA HA HA! OOH!

BET YOU EVEN TRY TO RUN

US DOWN, YOU BIG SMARTY.

HA HA HA! HMM.

ALEC BRENNAN,

MASTER MARINER.

THERE SHE IS!

WHERE?

OH, THERE SHE IS!

OW! OH!

WHAT'S THE MATTER

WITH YOU?

YOU'RE ON MY FOOT,

YOU BIG OX.

OH. OH, LOOK.

LOOK!

HA HA!

THIS IS A GREAT DAY FOR

US BRENNANS, AIN'T IT?

OH! OH, GO ON AWAY,

YOU BIG APE.

HA HA! KISS LIKE

A WET PAINTBRUSH.

SAY, KISSING ME

- PEOPLE WILL THINK YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING.

WHO, ME?

OHH! NOW, IS THA A NICE THING TO SAY

ABOUT A MAN WHO AIN' HAD A DRINK IN 5 WEEKS?

ALEC WILL BE THAT PROUD.

WAIT UNTIL HE HEARS THAT I AIN'T GONNA

TAKE ANOTHER DRINK AS LONG AS I LIVE.

YOU KNOW, IT TAKES A BIG MAN

TO STOP COLD JUST LIKE THAT.

AIN'T IT THE TRUTH?

GO ON, HUSTLE. PUT ON A CLEAN

SHIRT AND YOUR OTHER PANTS.

OH, NO, ANNIE. THIS IS

ALL RIGHT. I DON'T WANT-

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