Tumbledown Page #6

to be considered his equal.

Hannah's a pretty smart

cookie herself.

Yeah, you think so?

I know so.

But she can't think her way

out of this one.

Uh-unh.

- Hannah:
What is in here?

- Oh, boy.

- Okay.

- Who knows?

- This is heavy.

- All right.

Um, all right.

That was... interesting.

Hey, I got a question for you.

No, that wasn't my real mother.

Here.

Your prize for lying to my folks,

not that you were very good at it.

Seriously, though,

why do you want

to write this book?

'Cause I had so much love

left in my arsenal

and I never got to spend it.

Good night.

- Hey, Hannah?

- Uh-huh?

Kind of dug your family.

Andrew:
Easy, Carl Lewis.

What are you doing?

Holy smokes.

- Bruce:
Watch the ice here.

- What ice?

I'm kidding, Bruce.

These are jokes.

I thought you invited me over

for French toast.

What's with the bag 0' peat?

I thought as long as the boys

are having their fun,

we could be productive.

Okay.

You got to plant

the seeds early, honey.

Try thinking more

about the future.

Thank you.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- There you go.

- Come on.

- Jesus, you're quick.

Oh, boy.

Of all the days I forget

my pedometer, huh?

If we want to reach

the pond up top,

we have to get through

Fat Man's Misery,

not unlike crawling up

a chimney.

You want the best lookout,

we can hit the Lemon Squeeze

while you make like a piece of bologna

between slices of toast.

Or we can stop here,

eat some granola,

and pay our respects.

Wait, this is it?

It's where they found him.

Always figured probably

on his way down

- it was getting dark.

- Yeah.

He was out on that ridge

above you there.

- Yeah.

- Good Lord.

That is no joke.

Got spooked by some animal

jumped out on the trail.

He just lost his footing.

Bruce...

we both know he didn't lose

his footing, right?

Wouldn't you say he was

a pretty tortured guy?

Real question

for you here, Andrew.

Who do you think you are?

I've studied guys like him

for years.

You know,

Hunter is pretty textbook.

If you really,

really listen to him...

It's like it hasn't occurred

to anyone, right?

Yeah, it never occurred to us.

So thank you, oh, wise one

from the island of tall buildings,

for teaching us native folk

how it is.

Now you just

have to nurture them

like they're your own children.

Smooth segue to my ovaries.

Listen, every year

presents a milestone.

Knocking out your baby teeth,

graduating,

heavy petting.

Ew.

When you're old,

there are only

two milestones left--

grandchildren and death,

and you just pray that one

comes before the other.

I know.

I know I'm impatient,

but I've tasted all the juicy stuff

except this one thing.

You know, Ma,

I used to think

that I wanted children.

Now I just want llamas.

So many llamas.

Just take one step.

Yeah, do a date on the Internet

and cut this hair.

Jesus.

Just take a break from

this morbid writing project.

Wow. Cue the salt

in the wound.

Hey, it's time

to call up your old friends,

lipstick and eyeliner.

These are like raw eggplant.

Okay.

Three strikes, I'm out.

You need a little perking up.

No, I do not need anything.

Just a little bit.

Just a smidge.

You're just going to leave me?

Of course.

Of course!

No, it gets dark at 4:00 PM.

Bed time.

Who needs coffee?

Like I said, the gatherers

always get screwed.

Howdy, Curt.

You here to discuss the food chain

a little bit more?

- How's it go?

- She's a real Maine girl, that Hannah.

Aw, you're telling me.

She likes a good man.

A real man.

A man that smells like pine resin,

not Pierre Cardin.

I've got no claim on her, Curtis.

Hell, if you guys procreate,

it might even out the gene pool, yeah?

Really nice seeing you.

Oh, my God.

Are we going to do this bullshit?

What are you going to do?

Kick my ass?

Not saying that you couldn't.

You'd destroy me.

There's not a soul in this town

that wants to see her

going with a flat-lander like you.

You're going to crawl back

into that exhaust hole you came from.

All right, Curtis.

Curtis Brown.

We live in the slow lane,

not a gravel ditch.

Where are your manners?

Andy...

go screw yourself.

Please and thank you.

- Oh!

- Aw, come on.

- You all right?

- Oh, yeah. No, I'm fine.

Just helping everybody

work through their issues.

He didn't pee on you?

No. Surprisingly, no.

He did not pee on me.

Mm-mm. No, I didn't even know

that would be an option.

No, he just threw down

the gauntlet.

Well, that's, uh--

that's kind of sweet.

No, it is not sweet.

No. Come on,

what are you talking about?

This isn't quaint

or kooky small-town charm.

You know?

And I got to be honest with you.

I am sick of the forest

and all the crazy little creatures

who live in it.

You drag me up here

to write this book--

Okay, Snow White.

Nobody is holding you hostage.

You leave in two days, right?

You can leave tomorrow.

Oh, my God.

Can you just be a chick

for, like, a second,

and say,

"There, there, poor thing,"

or some sh*t, please?

Some sh*t.

Thank you.

Was that so hard?

Now I don't know about you,

but I would kill

for an overpriced meal

at a mediocre restaurant.

- Shall we?

- Dinner and a dump.

Purely for journalistic reasons,

I will choose dinner and a dump.

- Excellent.

- Got to see what this is all about.

Let's do it.

Ah, there we go.

Hubba bubba.

Look at that there.

We have a gusher.

I can't believe we go out to eat

and you order the one thing on the menu

that anyone could make

with their eyes shut.

You know, people who can't

toast Eggos can boil a bug.

What are you talking about?

Someone had to cut

this lemon wedge right here.

They had to melt the butter.

There's a lot of steps involved.

- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, man, oh, man.

Look at that.

Are you ever getting the eye from

the woodchucks at the bar over there.

Uh-huh. Hi!

Me or her?

You see, around here,

everybody keeps tabs on everyone else,

and everyone else is pretty sure

I ought to be moving on.

You never thought about moving

to New York? Manhattan?

- No.

- No? Living in the big city?

A change of scenery might help.

No, it's not the kind of thing

that you can take a vacation from.

It's who I am now.

I mean, you try

to seem normal, right?

But here's this thing that looms

so large in your life

you can't even see around it,

you know?

Can't dress yourself because

it's blocking your closet.

I guess you could technically say

that I'm depressed.

No. No, you are not depressed.

That is not depression.

That is just flat-out

certified grief, you know?

That's normal.

That's natural.

And it's not like

you're waking up at noon

or Skyping with your therapist

during office hours

like me and half my colleagues.

What have you got to be

so depressed about?

- Are you serious? Me?

- Yes.

Tons of stuff.

I do!

I mean, little things,

you know,

like having a bunch

of smart-ass students

that don't have a single

original thought in their head.

That's depressing.

Big things?

My dad passing away

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