Turistas

Please.

You don't have to do this.

Oh, God!

Not like this.

No, you can't. Please!

No.

Please.

Por favor!

I am so sorry.

Oh, God, I wanna go home!

You having fun?

Am I the only one having a problem

with this? -I guess they're used to it.

I just keep thinking about

how far we must be from a hospital.

You know, with doctors who

operate instead of amputate?

So dramatic.

Would you slow the f*** down!

-Jesus Christ, relax! You're such a tourist.

Por favor!

Calm down. He drives through it every day.

I think he knows how to drive better than you do.

He drives like a f***ing lunatic.

-Well, we're fine, aren't we?

I can't believe I let you talk me into this.

We're flying back.

-Okay, fine.

And I'm picking the hotels from now on.

-You were right about that.

I'm sorry.

Check it out.

That looks painful.

-Stop it!

What do you think it says?

It says,

"Welcome to Brazil. Now bend over."

We have to remember that.

-He likes you.

Deus!

Jesus Christ! Stay on

the road, you lunatic!

Go out the window!

Go! Go!

Get out!

-Get out! Go, go, go!

Get out right now!

Everybody out!

Whoa. Whoa.

-Go!

Go! Get off!

Jump! Get off!

Oh, my God.

Get off! Get off, get off!

Get off!

Oh, sh*t!

-Did everyone get out of there?

You still think flying

would've been a waste of money?

Don't start.

-I told you this was-

Don't!

-Fine.

Why is my luggage

always the last to come out?

Ale- Alex? Found it!

Great!

I'm impressed.

Why? -Bit like bringing

sand to the beach though.

Bringing a couple of fit little birds

like that to Brazil?

That's my sister.

-Splendid.

Just like to know me options.

It's not an option.

Get everything?

-Yeah, I think so.

Hi, I'm Finn. Nice to meet you.

-Bea. You too.

Liam.

-Hi. How are you guys?

Good as gold.

Hi. I'm Finn.

Amy. Nice to meet you.

-Liam.

Guess we're bonded for life now, eh?

Near-death experience.

Great story to tell the grandkids.

-Yeah.

You think they got a plan to

get us out of here? -I doubt it.

Should find out, I suppose.

-I'll find out.

Oh, man.

"Bussie!"

You suck at driving buses!

You should do something else.

Pick bananas or something.

Hey.

-Hi.

I'm Alex.

-Pru.

Yes. Yes.

You're, um, supposed to kiss back.

-Ah. Sorry.

Except you don't actually kiss.

You sort of kiss the air.

Yeah. Start again.

-I'm Alex.

Pru. Hi. Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

So, do you speak Spanish?

-It's Portuguese here.

Right. So, any idea what these guys are

talking about? -Another bus is on its way.

It's gonna be about 10 hours.

-Ten hours?

Yeah. And then it's another 18 to Recife.

-Wait, what did you just say?

About what?

-About where we're headed.

Well, the way that guy was driving,

I'm not really sure.

But you said Recife, right?

-Yeah.

Which is north of Salvador.

-On most maps.

Which means we've been headed north

this whole time. -Idiots, the pair of us.

We got on the wrong f***ing bus!

The Rastafarian.

-I knew he was dodgy.

Brilliant c*nts we are. -Wait. Where

did you guys think you were going?

To Floripa.

-Oh, you took the long way.

Yeah. Where was this bus headed?

-Belm.

Don't suppose that Belm is famous

for having a 10-to-1 ratio of women to men ...

where even the ugly girls

look like Giselle.

And they're all smart, fun,

alcoholic nymphomaniacs ...

with a soft spot for charming

if slightly grubby foreign tourists?

Uh, not that I'm aware of, no.

Too bad.

-'Cause Floripa is.

Six-Six Sports Illustrated

swimsuit models are from Floripa.

Do you understand how select that

gene pool must be? -It's a tiny town.

Leave it out.

-All right.

Hey, are you getting anything?

-No. Nothing.

Do you think they know

something we don't?

I'm gonna walk around.

Bonita.

Meu nome Bea.

Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Photograph.

Photograph. It's a-

Hey, hey.

Jesus! Calm down!

-Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Calm down! I'm sorry!

You're not to take pictures of kids without

permission. -How am I supposed to know?

Hey. "No, senhorita"

would have been fine.

Or even "No, you stupid,

bloody gringo!"

A**hole! I can't hear ya!

Leave the girl alone. All right?

Prick.

Tabloids have been writing stories

about foreigners ...

coming here to steal kids

to sell their organs for transplants.

It's created a lot of hostility

to tourists.

Has that anything to do with that couple that

were missing? -I don't think they're a couple.

French couple, right?

-Oh, I thought you meant the kayakers.

Oi! We got no designs on your organs!

All right? Your kidneys are safe with us!

We're on holiday, for f***'s sake!

Hey, where'd you get those from?

What did she say? -She said there's a

bar on the beach and it's really close.

We can walk.

-Is there a town?

Don't you think we should wait for the

next bus? -They haven't made the next bus.

Let's go.

We'll come back later.

Let's do it.

So, how did you end up here?

I'm here with my little sister.

She's always wanted

to come to Brazil ...

my mom didn't want her to go alone

and didn't trust her with Amy ...

so I get to pretend to be the boyfriend

when creepy guys try to bother her.

What happens when

creepy girls bother you?

So what about you? You

traveling alone? -Yeah.

That's brave. -Not really. I've been

everywhere they tell you not to go.

Colombia, Nigeria. Just spent

three months in a favela in Rocinha.

The only place I've ever had any problems

is in a small town in Australia.

So, you're from Australia?

-Uh-huh.

Got a boyfriend in Australia?

No! You did not just say that!

What?

-"So, you got a boyfriend in Australia?"

I just meant that if I had a girlfriend

or a little sister who was traveling alone ...

I'd be a little worried, that's all.

Well, don't be.

I can take care of myself.

So, did she say this was

a proper bar with real drinks?

I don't know.

She didn't say.

Christ, I'd do anything for a pint.

I'd lick the sweat

off a monkey's balls.

"I'd lick the sweat off a monkey's balls."

Christ on a cracker.

-This is amazing!

Oh, yes! Check this out!

Baby!

-Oh, yes!

Whoo! Who wants to go for a swim?

Yeah, sure! -Yes! This is

what I was talking about.

They got beer?

-Get your kit off, girls!

Come on!

Let's swim!

Sh*t.

I left my top in Rio.

Would you guys mind if I went topless?

Are you serious? No. Keep

your shirt on. -Yeah. Why not?

Do you see what they're wearing, Alex?

We're not in America.

No one's gonna care if I go topless.

Yeah, but the idea is to tastefully

reveal as much as possible-

Oi, oi.

Get a load of that.

without actually

revealing so much ...

that you can still get into heaven.

That was good.

Yes!

That is a fantastic trick.

-Well, it's still a Catholic country.

Well, we're Catholics.

-And we definitely don't mind.

No. In fact, I think I can speak for Liam when

I say we wouldn't be offended in the slightest.

In fact, let's all go topless,

boys and girls.

No, Amy-

Oh! Nice!

Put your shirt on.

She's a naughty girl.

How about that? Is this better?

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