Tusk
I'm gonna... I'm gonna
f***ing piss my pants.
Hey, if you wanna watch this video,
please go to our
website NotSeeParty. com.
N-O-T...
S-E-E...
And not "Nazi" with a "Z".
That'd be like cross-dressing
Adolf Eichmann-Liza
Minnelli impersonator.
If I... If I die of
laughter during this segment,
I don't want you to feel bad.
I want you all to
know that I died happy,
because this video is the greatest
thing that's ever happened to me.
It's up to like 30 something million.
Here we... Here we go.
Sh*t!
I'm gonna talk to this
kid about everything.
I wanna know... I wanna
know what he masturbates to,
I wanna know if he kept the
leg. Did he keep the leg?
I gotta say though, man. I've
watched this video enough.
I'm starting to feel bad for the kid.
I'm not laughed out yet
but I'm feeling bad for him.
Feeling bad? The kid's got
tons of hits 'cause he's famous.
Right? I mean what more do you
want? He's got more hits than I do.
I'm kinda in a weird way, jealous.
I don't need both legs. What
am I? I'm not running marathons.
So look out, you crazy Canucks.
Something weird-ass this way comes.
Next week, Wanderin' Wallace
takes a raunchy road trip
up to the Great White
North to meet with a star.
My only hope is that
he doesn't cry too much.
Join us next week
while Wallace sits down
with the one-legged wonder,
the master of self-mutilation
of Internet humiliation,
the Kill Bill Kid.
Which is about all you can do
if you're the Kill Bill Kid.
You just sit your one-legged ass down,
- forever.
- Aw.
Oh, it's too easy. It was right there!
- You're going to hell, man. - They're
like plums, like low-hanging plums.
I had to grab it.
Until next time, I'm Teddy Craft.
And this is Wallace
Bryton reminding you to...
Join ze Not-See Party!
Welcome to Canada.
Oh!
Hey, there.
Hey there, yourself, fellow
facial hair aficionado.
Yeah, not as good as you. My God!
- Yeah, years back. Now it's...
- Los Angeles.
A man torn betwixt Devils and Kings.
Oh! Hockey.
You're damn right, hockey.
Hmm. I don't really follow hockey.
Okay.
Hands off the counter, please.
Really?
Yeah, really. Thank you.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
Sorry.
When you're visiting the
you got your Cana-Do's and
you got your Cana-Don'ts.
Top shelf, right there. Number one.
Don't go tell any Canadian
you don't follow hockey.
Of course!
I should've known that.
It makes 'em sad, right?
A Canadian doesn't get sad.
Sadness was made by the USA.
Oh, come on. What does that mean?
Take off, it's true.
Right there on our flag.
It's right there when you look at it.
When you see past
you know what you see?
A white wall.
You see that in America,
you may be red, white and blue.
But in Canada, you're red,
white but never blue, eh?
Ever.
Got you. That's actually...
You know, I've never thought
of it that way before.
Canadians as just nice.
Well, that right there
is another Cana-Don't.
We're not nice, we're
optimistic. There is a difference.
- Right.
- And we're tolerant.
- Hmm.
- And we're hung like moose.
Oh!
That's great.
Back to business, then.
What're you doing in Manitoba?
Um, I'm recording a podcast.
So what I do is, I, uh...
I travel around and I interview
weird or interesting people
and I describe it to my best friend
who does not see it first-hand
since he won't fly anywhere.
It's called The Not-See Party.
Whoa, whoa! Nazi Party?
Oh, no. It's
spelled N-O-T-S-E-E,
not the other... Hatey one.
You know, that Hitler.
You don't say Hitler in an airport.
All right.
What the f*** is this?
Hey!
Oh, sh*t!
Oh, f***!
Hey, f***er. Are you ready for this?
F***ing Kill Bill Kid
f***ing killed himself, sir!
With his own f***ing sword!
Can you believe that sh*t?
I'm not f***ing kidding you.
He couldn't hold out for two more days,
the selfish little
peg-legged piece of sh*t.
I'm so pissed off right now. I
gotta find a flight back tonight.
But I'm thinking I don't wanna
come all the way back with nothing.
We need a show this week, so...
I'm in f***ing Winnipeg
in a bar called, uh...
Bar "H."
I don't know what the f***
I'm gonna do. I'm gonna...
Try to find some other Canadian
weirdo up here I can talk to, but...
I gotta be honest, man.
There is nothing weird about Canada.
It is painfully boring up here.
But sh*t! $550 for a
f***ing plane ticket.
Selfish little prick.
I know it's f***ed up to say, but...
God damn it! It was killing me.
All right.
Signing off from the Great White North.
Coo loo coo coo, coo coo coo
Coo loo coo coo
Oh, sh*t. Beep.
Hey, man, where is your bathroom?
Hello, I am an old man
who has enjoyed a long
and storied life at sea.
lo these many years.
And after eons of oceanic adventure,
I find myself a landlubber,
with Manitoba as my final port.
I know I do not wish to
spend my remaining years alone
in a giant house.
Not when I have such stories to share.
No, it's not the room I'm interested in
as much as you, Mr. Howe.
That'd be amazing, sir. Yes, thank you.
All right, where am I going?
Bifrost? Sounds erotic.
Okay, let me just ask
somebody how far I am.
Excuse me, hey!
Uh, how far is Bifrost from here?
Bifrost? Sh*t! That's far.
Yeah, it's about two hours from here.
Yeah, the kids here at
the convenience store
are telling me that it's
"aboot" two hours away.
I hate American guys.
Yeah, what's your address?
So to this end, I'm
offering a room for rent
This arrangement will be free of charge,
providing you perform the
simple household chores
I can no longer tend to
from the confines of
this cursed wheelchair.
But though I may be old, I have lived.
And I will tell you all
about my many adventures,
in vivid detail.
Please feel free to call
me at the number below.
Respectfully, Howard Howe.
All right. This better
be f***ing worth it.
You have arrived at your destination.
Hello? Hello?
Hello! Up here, please.
Hello?
Good evening!
Mr. Howe?
Well actually, it's Howard.
Mr. Howard, hey!
You know, when people first
become entangled with my name,
it's much like a French bedroom farce.
Now, Mr. Howe would be appropriate,
but I prefer the intimacy of Howard.
Howard.
Now that we have that
unpleasantness out of the way,
may I welcome you to
Pippy Hill, my home.
Oh, yes. It's great.
- It's nice to meet you.
- Pleasure. Pleasure.
Could I interest you in some tea?
You can. But first, uh...
Can I use your bathroom?
Smashing.
Phew!
Hoo-ah!
Oh, Jesus!
Whoo!
Well, did everything come out all right?
Oh, yeah. Great.
Thank you.
You're welcome, there's your tea.
All right. Thank you.
You know, my second wife...
I presume my last...
Used to say, bless her heart.
"Rather saint than sin,
Better out than in. "
She was referring to gas,
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"Tusk" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 5 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/tusk_22372>.
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