Tusk Page #2

of course! Her own, mind you.

That's great.

This... Thank you.

You bet.

God damn, this is good.

So did you find the

water closet satisfactory?

Oh, yes. Thank you so much.

That was great!

I was holding it in for half the ride.

It's a little embarrassing but, um...

I was kinda spooked to get out of

the car in the middle of nowhere.

...You know.

I must say

your phone call intrigued me.

Well, I'm telling you,

your handbill intrigued me.

Did I understand you

correctly on the phone

when you said you weren't

looking for a living arrangement?

Mmm-mmm.

No, I live in Los Angeles.

- Oh?

- Yeah.

City of Angels.

Well, I've never seen any myself.

More the opposite, really.

My grandma, Mimsy, used to tell us,

"You needn't go very far to

find hell in a hand basket. "

I like that. I like Mimsy.

Oh, my grandma... My

grandma used to say...

She'd say, "Hell is your children. "

Chain smoker, "Hell is your

children. " She was the worst.

How droll.

She must've been an interesting woman.

Oh, now, she was flatulent.

Oh, let me tell you, it was cra...

I've never seen anything like

it or smelled anything like it.

She would hang stuff on her

walls, too. Just like you.

My life lines these walls, Mr. Bryton.

And though I cannot boast of legs,

that are functioning...

That keep me ambulatory.

I still thank the Lord for

leaving me with a memory,

a living memory of my many adventures.

Yeah, those adventures are

what I'm here about, Mr. Howe.

You said that on the phone

that you were much more

interested in me personally

than you were the room.

Yes, because I saw this.

- Oh!

- Yeah.

And you have no idea, I'm up

here in this frozen shithole.

I think my trip is a bust.

And I feel like I just stumbled

into a goldmine, with this thing.

And you talk about sharing

stories. That's what I do.

I'm a storyteller by trade.

Oh, I see. You're a... You're a writer?

Well, mmm-mmm.

I'm a podcaster.

What on earth is that?

Oh...

I'm sorry. I'm not

laughing at you. You just...

You just reminded me of my mom.

"Wally, what're you doing?"

Ugh, she's the worst. You're fantastic.

Um, a podcast is kinda like a...

It's like a radio show

that's not on the radio.

It's on... It's on the Internet.

Does that make sense?

Uh-huh.

Yeah. That's also like my mom.

It makes this sound more

confusing, doesn't it?

Uh, it sounds like this.

Listen... Now you listen to me.

I just came in my pants.

That's my McConaughey,

prematurely ejaculating.

I pissed my pants.

So you can actually say those

things without any repercussion?

Yeah, the audience likes

it, real and raunchy.

So I try to keep it real and raunchy.

And real raunchy.

You know the freedoms

your generation enjoys...

- Hmm.

- Oh, I tell you...

Libertines the lot of you.

Can I just tell you something?

This is gonna sound really weird but...

I've never had tea like this.

It's blowing my mind.

I feel like I've never

had tea in my life.

Um, I'm like popping my cherry.

I'm not even a tea person.

I believe we're all tea people.

There's a trick to it.

You see, you soak the leaves

in brandy before steeping.

Of course.

You can't lose with booze.

"Well, always do sober

what you'd do drunk.

"It will teach you to

keep your mouth shut. "

Okay, okay. Now, this one, I know. Uh...

Hemingway said that.

Yes, he did.

He said it to me.

You knew Ernest Hemingway?

Well, we met on the waters of Normandy.

You were there for D-Day?

No, I was there before D-Day.

I was there when it was

called Operation Neptune.

Holy... Hold on.

You were on the beach?

No, no. I was on a boat as was Ernie.

Ernie?

Ernie was deemed "precious

cargo" by the powers that be,

so he was prohibited from

joining the incursion.

They ordered Hemingway to stay

on the boat? Are you kidding?

Yes, they did.

Which vexed Mr. Hemingway,

to say the least.

You know how he loved

to hunt the big game.

Yeah.

Big and the deadly. Well, there was

nothing bigger or deadlier than a Nazi.

Except perhaps a Nazi's nagging wife.

Nazi b*tches. Of course.

And so, prohibited from

joining the incursion,

Hemingway went to the

galley in search of alcohol.

And the only one to

oblige him, of course,

was a 16-year-old

potato peeler on KP duty.

Oh, my God!

Holy sh*t, no kidding.

Yes, so I proffered for

Hemingway a bottle of Wiser.

And I'll never forget what he did next.

There was a smile crawled

across the man's face.

It was so slow as if

it were a caterpillar.

Then he turned to me and slapped

me on the back and he said,

"You are a kitchen witch

of only good fortune. "

Kitchen witch?

God.

So we drank Wiser and when the

reports came back of how many...

boys had fallen at Omaha.

That's when he said to me,

"Only do sober what you'd do drunk.

"It will teach you to

keep your mouth shut. "

Oh, God, that's... That's nuts, man!

It's incredible.

Well, actually, if you look

to the right of the fireplace,

you'll see the incredible aspect.

This is the bottle?

Holy sh*t!

This is the coolest

thing I've ever seen.

Well, it's just an old bottle.

But if you combine it with a story,

then it becomes, if I may say so,

a powerful talisman,

a doorway to another time and place.

Perhaps, a drawbridge to history.

Yeah.

So f***ing cool.

What's this?

Ah!

I see, you have an eye for the

unfamiliar and the curiosity of a cat.

That should take you very far.

That is the baculum of a walrus.

The Alaskans call it an oosik.

Oosik.

Oh! So it's like a...

Like a walrus spine?

No. It's more like a walrus cock.

Shut up!

I am a dirty boy, aren't I?

This is a walrus dick?

No, no. That's the baculum.

That's the bones found in the

penis of most placental mammals

excluding man, of course.

Ah, that's not fair.

You know,

it is in aid of sexual intercourse.

It maintains the stiffness of the

animal during coital penetration.

Hey, if you got something

like this between your legs,

you don't need any help

with coital penetration.

Jesus Christ!

You are a rapscallion of the

highest order, Mr. Bryton.

- Can I get my hands on it?

- Yes, of course.

Wow!

No, what? This is crazy.

You'd be right to admire the walrus.

It is probably God's most noble creature

far more evolved than

any man I've ever known.

Present company included.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I appreciate that.

So where did you buy something

like this? A head shop?

Well, I became acquainted with a walrus

when I was lost at sea.

Shut the front door!

You were lost at sea?

Yes.

Who are you, Rudyard f***ing Kipling?

In 1959,

I was back on a boat.

Around the Gulf of Anadyr

which is the southern coast of Siberia.

In Chukchi Peninsula.

Perhaps, the best years of my life.

My culinary capabilities

in small, sea-faring vessels

earned me my passport to the world.

As a matter of fact,

it was my magic with a halibut

that landed me the chef's position

on the Anastasia

as we traversed into

Soviet waters exploring.

Wait. So this is like... What

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote