Tusk Page #3

is this, like, Cold War stuff?

No, no, no.

We were in search of

the Siberian Great White.

The Great White Shark?

No way.

Yes. And the Russians

called the hungry god

"The Whale Eater. "

Oh!

It's reported to be 25 feet in length,

with some 3 tons on him.

What?

Holy sh*t! Did you find him?

No, no. No, no. We only found...

Death off the Chukchi Peninsula.

In the inky heart of night,

the Anastasia collided with an iceberg.

I watched a ship disappear in minutes

into the black Russian sea.

Then I heard the screams

of the crew silenced

in the Siberian brine.

So what happened after the boat sank?

I was alone.

"Alone, alone, all alone,

on a white wide sea!

"And never a saint took

pity on my soul in agony. "

The Rime of the Ancient Mariner.

Well remembered, Mr. Bryton.

- Hmm.

- Well remembered.

But you know, when

the screaming stopped,

I thought I was alone until something

very swift and frightening moved by me.

"The many men, so beautiful!

"And they all dead did lie

"And a thousand, thousand

slimy things lived on

"And so did I."

God! How scared were you?

Oh!

I don't mind admitting I was terrified.

I know you've probably been scared

a few times in your life, Mr. Bryton.

But I'd wager to say you've

never known true terror.

I became intimately familiar

with terror that night, as I swam.

I kicked at the water and stroked for

I know not where. It was so pitch black.

So I swam deeper and

deeper into the ebony void

and I prayed that whatever brushed by me

was now feasting upon the

expedition crew instead.

Sweet whistling Christ!

I awoke on the shores

of a very small island,

regurgitating sea water,

and discombobulated beyond belief.

And then as I stood to my feet,

I saw the sweetest sight

my orbs have ever taken in.

I saw my savior.

I saw a walrus.

A walrus?

A walrus saved your life?

- Yes.

- - What?

This curious fellow loomed over me,

with tusks as tall as

Scylla and Charibdys.

But it was...

It was as gentle as a milking cow

and it took me into its

blubbery body to keep me warm,

as if I were a newborn chick, you see.

Unbelievable!

Yes.

And though I couldn't

know what he was called

by his marine brethren,

I named him after the only

authority figure I'd ever known,

I ever trusted in my entire life.

The janitor at a boys'

home I had attended

whose name was Mr. Tuskegee.

So I called my companion, Mr. Tusk.

Mr. Tusk? That's cute.

Cute.

Well,

cute is for Chinese babies, Mr. Bryton.

But my walrus companion was beautiful.

I have never known such

a fulfilling friendship

with anyone, human or otherwise.

And for six glorious months,

I was at utter peace

and I knew the only bliss

this wretched life has ever afforded me.

What did you...

What'd you...

What'd you...

There, there.

It'll be all right.

It'll be all right, Mr. Tusk.

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, f***!

Oh, sh*t!

Ha!

Why... Why're you stopping?

I don't want you to

go to Canada tomorrow.

Okay, I won't go to

Canada! Just finish...

Oh, you're so full of

sh*t, your eyes are brown.

I know. I know, I'm full of sh*t.

I'm bad. So spank me.

Spank me right there...

- Nope. I'm not gonna do it.

- What?

All right.

Seriously? No, no.

- It's gonna get on you, then.

- No! No!

You don't even deserve a selfie.

Why not? Come on. We talked about this.

I'm gonna take a quick

Cana-deuce tomorrow.

I'll be back in the morning.

Hmm?

Making fun of this kid on

the podcast is one thing,

but to go over there to his house...

It's... It's horrible, okay?

This just feels gamey.

Gamey?

Ally, the kid reached out to me! Okay?

He turned down Oprah f***ing

Winfrey to talk to me.

Me!

Come on, this is huge for the show.

I don't wanna do it. I

don't wanna make of him.

But, it's for the show.

It's for the podcast.

You know you're a real f***ing a**hole.

And this, this does

not work for you at all.

Doing your dopey comedy

sketches is bad enough.

...But to exploit him to his face...

It's vicious.

- The Wallace I fell in...

- No, that's vicious.

To do what you did, that's vicious.

That's mean, that's exploitative.

To take a little taste and walk away.

- Are you

serious? - Mmm-hmm.

The Wallace I fell in love

with would not do that.

The Wallace I fell in love with

would never say this stupid-ass sh*t.

The Wallace you fell in love with

was an un-funny little dick-hole

who used to make bad Star Wars puns

and couldn't pay his bills.

I... I'm sorry but I kinda

prefer the new Wallace.

New Wallace made 100 grand

in ads alone last year.

That's before the T-shirt

sales and all the live shows.

So...

AMC is coming to see the new

Wallace's showcase next week.

Why do you think that is?

'Cause of agents?

'Cause he played the

clubs every f***ing night

like ol' unfunny Wallace used to?

No. It's 'cause he's a

juggernaut of a podcast,

hosted by new Wallace.

Old Wallace!

Old Wallace was a f***ing loser

who never popped a piss in our window

to throw it out.

Old Wallace had me.

Oh!

- He'd like to have you again.

- So take me with you.

If I bring you, you know this.

Teddy gets weird and jealous

and then the show sucks.

You know, he's got this

thing. Like if you're around,

I'm not as funny as I usually am

'cause you're a distraction.

Blah, blah, blah. I don't know.

I can't figure out what's

going on in that kid's head.

All I know is that if it were up to me,

of course, I would bring you.

Old Wallace wouldn't give

a sh*t, he'd just take me.

He'd just take me anyway.

Ah, well!

Old Wallace also used to wear

a f***ing stethoscope on stage.

Oh, speaking of...

We saw my first stand-up

set on the show today.

Whoo! It was f***ing brutal.

It was even worse than I remembered.

It's really embarrassing, actually.

Teddy was dying. Little sh*t.

News flash. Cringe humor

attack sh*t is lame.

Sorry, I didn't hear what you're

saying. I just love that accent.

It's lame, this cringe humor...

- Love your accent.

- I don't talk like that!

I don't talk like that!

...Listen, 'stache!

That's the worst Latino accent

I have ever heard in my life.

That's the worst Latino

accent I've ever heard...

Can you... Can you just turn

down the funny right now, stache.

The podcast's not on.

- I know.

- It's just me and you.

I'm trying to be lovey-dovey.

You're f***ing it up.

F***, it's... Because I have

a raging hard-on!

I wanna be lovey-dovey

too. I love lovey-dovey.

But we can be lovey-dovey on

the phone when I'm in Canada.

You know what we can't

do on the phone? F***.

Why don't we that right now? Come on.

See? Come on.

New Wallace is kinda funny.

Yeah, he can be kinda funny.

I just... I miss old Wallace.

I miss you. I miss the

real you. Is he in there?

- Ugh!

- You know, that geeky kid.

- Who even thanked me on stage.

- Geeky?

Yeah, geeky.

I miss the guy who told me, he

loved me the first time we had sex.

The guy who gets baked and

cries watching Winnie the Pooh.

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