Tusk Page #4

You're so sweet. Such a softy.

Nothing soft about me now.

Yeah, I know and it sucks.

- Relax.

- Okay.

What?

Well...

Look who's back.

I must say you scared

the bejesus out of me.

Oh, what kind of nurse am I?

Here you go, here's your cup.

Wet your whistle, my dry little thistle.

What...

Wha...

- What happened?

- Mmm-hmm.

Oh, my dear boy.

Well, you passed out

right in front of me.

Yeah.

So tired.

I mean, one moment, I'm waxing lyrically

about my many ocean voyages,

and the next thing I know,

you fell out of your

chair and collapsed.

I didn't know what it

was until I looked down,

and I saw this rather

intimidating spider

crawling down your pant leg.

Spider?

Yes, a brown recluse.

A rather toxic little insect.

These woods are full of them.

Yeah, some of them are poisonous.

Hmm.

Oh, sh*t! A spider bit me?

Yes, well, I'm so sorry.

Where's my phone?

- Phone?

- Mmm-hmm.

I got to make a call.

Well, I'm afraid the doctor

stepped on it and broke it.

I'm afraid it lies in pieces.

Mmm. There was a doctor here?

Yes, Doctor Moseeay.

He lives just up the

road around 8 miles.

- Moseeay?

- Yeah.

- Kind of a funny name.

- Yeah.

He was here within a

half an hour of your...

Incident.

I forget your name.

My name? Howard Howe.

Mmm, Howard, I can't feel my legs.

Well, that would be the spinal

injection you see. They...

The Recluse sank her fangs into you

and filled you with so

much poison that your...

Your ankle was the size

of an elephant's leg.

Oh, sh*t.

What kind of an elephant?

A very fat one.

Mmm-hmm.

- Sh*t!

- Yeah.

So, with the venom

traveling to your heart

it forced the doctor, to save your life,

to take, as we say... Drastic measures.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Holy sh*t!

There's no leg there.

Doesn't appear to be.

Just let it out, dear

boy. Let it all out.

My leg is off.

Oh, my God.

Nature can be very

red in tooth and claw.

What?

Tennyson.

What the f*** are you talking about?

Why am I still here? Why

aren't I in the hospital?

Well, hospitals...

Carry diseases.

So, Dr. Moseeay thought

it would be best if you...

Well, just stay here since

the room is sanitized all day.

It would be best if you recuperate here.

It doesn't make any sense.

Spider. The spider bit you.

All right, I wanna walk to this guy.

Where's the doctor? I wanna talk to him.

Well, uh... The doctor's

making his rounds.

Rounds? What rounds? We're

in the middle of nowhere!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, we're not.

No, we're not, Mr. Bryton.

I've been to the middle of

nowhere. And it is a ghastly place.

I don't want to hear

your f***ing stories.

What the f*** is this?

...Why are you laughing?

You're funny.

Well, that's a belt to keep you from

falling out of your chair, you see.

Why?

The belt is to keep you from falling

over until the spinal wears off...

Spinal wears off and you get full

control of your faculties again.

That is, most of your faculties.

I... I need a phone.

I gotta call my family.

Doctor Moseeay removed all

the phones from the house.

He didn't want you disturbed.

What the f***?

So, I'll talk to him

and I can ask him if you

can call home after supper.

I gotta call.

So it would be best if you take a nap.

You're heavily, heavily tranquilized.

I got to tell my family.

I gotta use a phone...

I gotta talk to a doctor.

- Moseeay, Dr. Moseeay.

- I wanna talk to him.

Well, you can't. You

see, he is on his rounds.

You give me a phone.

Don't have a phone.

The doctor removed them all.

That's... Insane.

Possibly so, but it's true.

We sup at 6:
00 sharp.

Wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait.

All right, wait.

I am...

...truly sorry for your loss.

You're not eating?

I can't move my arms.

Well...

That would be the morphine.

It is capital for the leg pain,

and perhaps the only thing

keeps you from howling in agony.

But it does tend to

leave one a bit sleepy.

I'm not sleepy.

At all.

- I'm immobilized.

- Hmm.

Well...

You know...

I was thinking...

The melancholy

of losing a limb

must be akin to

mourning a close friend that you

too often took for granted.

Hmm...

There was no spider, was there?

Yes, there was. A brown recluse.

Colloquially called the hobo spider.

Ah, that's interesting.

And you saw it?

Yeah.

You saw the spider?

I... I just wish that I had

spied the little creature

before it so viciously attacked you.

What'd it look like?

The Arachnid Assailant?

- Yeah.

- Well...

A typical spider...

A legion of legs, you know, etc,

etc. It was very small though.

So small you might

even call it Itsy Bitsy.

The Itsy, Bitsy Spider

went up the water spout

Holy sh*t...

Down came the rain

and washed the spider out

Let me out of this

chair, you f***ing psycho!

Let me out! Let me out,

you old f***ing nutbag!

Help! Somebody help!

Now, shall we dispense

with the chuffa, Mr. Bryton?

Perhaps it would be best, in

this, our burgeoning relationship,

to reveal our hearts

with absolute candor.

See, for some time now

I've been constructing

a very realistic walrus suit.

What?

And I believe with just a few minor

modifications it will fit you perfectly.

Jesus. What the f***, man?

But,

whilst in the walrus

suit you must be a walrus.

There will be no sound of a human voice.

You must communicate

everything you do

as a walrus.

Do you understand?

Please... Please...

No, no, no.

Be not vexed or heavy

of heart, Mr. Bryton.

We two are embarking on an expedition

not unlike that of the doomed Anastasia.

Their mistake was they look

for the monsters out there.

They shouldn't have left the dock.

The beast has always lied within.

Why?

Why are you doing this?

Why?

Why?

To solve a riddle older than the Sphinx.

To answer the question

which has plagued us

since we first crawled from this Earth

and stood erect in the sun.

Is man, indeed,

a walrus at heart?

Help!

I almost told him, before he left.

Sometimes I forget,

that my life is...

An intricate, delicate web of lies.

And I feel so normal...

So banal.

It feels so amazing to be boring.

And faithful.

And sinless.

I even forget what we're doing to him.

Till I remember what he does to me...

With all those empty women.

And it... Crushes me.

And I hate him.

I hate him.

But I hate myself so much more

for letting any man do this to me.

I'm happy my dad's

not alive to see this.

To see his only little girl

put her life on hold for

some cheating f***ing a**hole.

And I just wanna f***ing die.

But every time he destroys me, you...

You bring me back.

You make me feel beautiful again.

Cherished...

You give me my humanity.

Even though we're stripping it down

every time we're doing this, I...

Honestly...

I don't know how to live without you.

So look out, you crazy Canucks.

Something weird-ass this way comes!

Next week, Wanderin' Wallace

takes a raunchy road trip

up to the Great White

North to meet with a star.

I will be staying at home. Per usual.

Doing what, Teddy?

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