Tusk Page #8

be amazing, sir. Yes. Thank you.

All right, where am I going?

Bifrost? Sounds erotic.

Okay, let me just ask

somebody how far I am.

Excuse me, hey!

How's everything over at Degrassi, huh?

You kids still getting

knocked up and shot at?

...What?

Degrassi!

Never mind. Uh, how far

is Bifrost from here?

Bifrost? Sh*t! That's far.

Yeah, it's about two hours from here.

Oh, God bless you, generous angels.

Yeah, the kids here at

the convenience store

are telling me that it's

about two hours away.

I hate American guys.

You sure that's not gonna be

too late for you, Mr. Howe?

Okay, awesome. Yeah.

What's your address?

Hang on one second, sir. Hang on.

Hey, hey, hey!

Can you get off those for

one second and give me a pen?

Sorry, sir.

Thank you. God bless you.

You guys have pads here, in Canada?

Anything to write on, or

you just write in the air?

Hashtag thanks.

Hey, I'm just gonna go

ahead and write on ya.

Okay, shoot, Mr. Howe. Yeah.

Great. Got it.

And I'm gonna leave right now, so

I'll see you in about two hours.

Good. Okay, bye now.

How much do I owe you?

That's me? That's my mustache?

"Yep! I'm American. How are

things over at Degrassi High?"

"Do you ladies know where

Bifrost is? Uh, duh!"

You guys suck.

So this pad of paper that he

borrowed to write down the address,

I would like for you to give

it to me, please, if you would.

Give him the pad.

You give him the pad.

Give him the pad!

One of you must give me the pad now.

I thank you very much.

Do you have a pencil?

Thank you very much.

You see that?

Wow...

That's amazing.

They did it in The Big Lebowski.

Do you know, that's exactly where

I learned it from. Isn't that weird?

Okay.

Yeah. Isn't this soothing to the soul?

You know, if I close my eyes,

I can almost imagine

me back on Ponder Rock,

I knew peace in this

twisted, hateful world.

I miss our little paradise, Mr. Tusk.

This is just a poor facsimile

of that magical enclave

where we first became good friends.

Remember?

Until that...

Terrible day.

Man feeds on the meat

and sinew of the helpless.

Until we are all...

...alone.

We survive at all costs.

Only to butcher again.

And again.

Until we ourselves are

at last butchered in turn.

You were not prepared for

me last time, Mr. Tusk.

You were not ready for the fight.

This time it will be different.

Because I have hardened you...

Just to show you...

How cruel man can be.

And if I truly brought

out the walrus in you...

...this time, you just might prevail.

Less than a kilometer

from Mile Marker 9...

- Yeah, the plates match.

- I'm going...

No, no, he's not there. I

promise you he's not there.

But he is close.

So...

We are about to find your friend.

And the dangerous man who took him.

These are guns.

I don't want one.

You don't want a gun?

You take 'em.

What... What kind of American are you?

The kind that has

never used a gun before.

Take the f***in' gun!

Yes, take the f***in' gun, please.

I'll take the big one.

Yeah.

Some years back, I was rescued

from the island of Ponder Rock

a mere hour after I had

butchered my sweet savior walrus

in order to live.

I've marked this

occasion for 15 years now

by allowing my flippered friend

the fighting chance he never had.

So...

You will fight me, Mr. Walrus!

Or you will die!

Wallace!

Wallace!

- Wallace!

- Wallace!

So just as I had to

kill you on the rock,

you have a terrible choice to make here.

You have to kill me if you want to live.

And if you live,

you will be as a walrus

that you almost are.

So...

Either you go full walrus...

...Or this!

Oh, what the f***?

- Wallace! Wallace!

- Wallace!

- Wallace!

- Wallace!

You have lasted longer than the rest.

You'd kill me if you could.

You want to.

Your survival instincts have kicked in.

But so have mine!

Where is it coming from?

- Behind the wall!

- Wallace!

- He's behind the wall!

- Wallace!

- Ally, there's give.

- Stand back!

It is accomplished.

You are my...

Mr. Tusk.

Wallace...

No!

Wallace!

No! No!

No, don't murder him.

Please. Leave him alone.

Stop!

Wallace!

We're here.

It's Ally.

And Teddy.

The treat.

You don't have to hide from us, Wallace.

Wallace!

I can't even remember the last time you

cried while watching Winnie the Pooh.

So I don't cry, I mean, big deal!

I'm also a lot older, remember?

Crying's kind of for babies.

I remember when my grandma died and...

My grandpa was destroyed.

He had tears streaming down his face,

he was holding her picture,

and I was so worried.

I used to say...

What's that?

Don't cry.

And he would say, "No, Juanita. "

"It's good to cry.

"It separates us from the animals.

"It shows you have a soul. "

I love you, Wallace.

Don't ever forget that.

It's all right.

Come on.

Welcome to Smodcast. I'm Kevin Smith.

- I'm Scott Mosier.

- Oh, sh*t!

All right, so here's the third act.

He then goes and puts on his suit,

you know, made of human skins.

And so you realize

he's done this before.

- Like, I'm not the first lodger

and sh*t like that. Gotcha.

So he's in it, you're in yours,

and you guys have to have one of

them walrus fights, like on the beach.

Where you slam each other, going...

And we started saying, "Is

man indeed a walrus at heart?"

You ultimately get him and...

But then what has to happen at the end

is that once he makes that switch...

- Yeah.

- ... he can't go back.

Like the clinic for the criminally

insane or something like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you see, you know,

like, his buddy...

He's got something

wrapped in a newspaper

- and you don't know

what's going on. Yes.

It's a fish. Oh, that's awesome.

And it is... It's like

another walrus enclave.

A better version of where he was.

- Because he realized they can't

reverse the process. No, they can't.

He's gone. Even in his

head, he's gone full walrus.

You're right.

And he throws him the

fish, and then, f***in'...

The walrus-man scurries over

to it all gross and sh*t,

and starts biting at it on the ground.

They play, like, some sad piano music.

Roll credits as we pull

back in this overhead,

watching him f***in' eating

this fish off the ground.

And there's a song that's just like...

Being tender in your heart!

- Is that a real song?

- No!

Like, we need a hashtag for this.

The conversation needs to grow.

Two hashtags.

Walrus yes, walrus no.

Oh, for people who don't want it? Yeah.

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