Twentieth Century Page #9

is this pathetic little figure...

selling olives in the...

- What' s the matter with you?

- You're crazy.

What do you mean?

Coming in here

with camels and sand from the Holy Land.

You're a scream.

You're gonna put on the Passion Play.

Oh, my heavens!

You haven't $100 to your name.

But I can raise a million, two million.

Yes, and I know how you intend to raise it.

Get my name on a contract...

shake down some new angel

on the strength of my reputation.

No, thank you.

I'm through being your meal ticket.

It' s a lie.

You've been listening to my enemies.

I listened to Mr. Oliver Webb,

who told me some sob story...

that you were gonna commit suicide

unless I took pity on you.

Go and commit it! It would be a blessing

to everybody concerned.

What the... Mr. Webb? He is

no longer with me. I fired him for stealing.

Shut up. I've had enough of your lies.

I'm offering you a last chance

to become immortal.

Thanks. I've decided to stay mortal

with a responsible management.

- Who?

- Max Jacobs.

- I can't believe it.

- No? Read the papers tomorrow, then.

- Why do you think I left Hollywood?

- Max Jacobs. He's a thief, illiterate.

He can hardly write his own name.

He writes it on checks all right,

great big checks, too.

So that' s what it is, money.

If I jingled $10,000 or $15,000

in front of your nose...

your mouth would begin to water.

You'd start drooling and squealing:

- "Give me!"

- That' s right, Oscar.

Now get out before I have the porter

throw you off the train.

We'll see who's gonna be thrown off

this train. Traveling with a gigolo.

Get off, you fake, you swindler!

Stop that, you cheap little shop girl!

- Get out before I call the conductor!

- Call the conductor!

- I'll tell the world who's a fake. You are!

- Get away from me!

I taught you everything you know,

even your name!

Lily Garland, I gave you that.

As there's justice in heaven,

Mildred Plotka...

you will end up where you belong...

in the burlesque houses.

Get out of here!

- You coward.

- Who's a coward? You!

Owen.

Where's that scoundrel, Webb?

Selling me out behind my back.

I'll strangle him with these bare hands...

so help me, if I go to the chair for it.

- O.J.

- Come in, you gray rat.

- O.J.

- Come in, you gray rat.

Do you know who I've got with me?

Mathew J. Clark, the patent medicine king.

I've talked him into financing the play

from a religious angle.

You can write your own ticket. Millions.

- Where is he?

- Just outside the door.

Show him in.

Come in, Mr. Clark.

- Mr. Jaffe, Mr. Clark.

- How do you do, sir?

Mr. Webb has told me

all about you and your work.

- I'm glad to meet a noble and pious man.

- That' s very kind of you, sir.

It' s unusual to find a man of your profession

interested in religion.

What is your denomination?

I'm proud and happy to say, sir,

that I am a Baptist.

Will you sit down, please?

You got some more telegraph blanks?

I want to send another one.

To John Ringling.

I'm in the market for 25 camels...

several elephants, and an ibis.

- A what?

- That is the royal bird of Egypt.

Give me the rock-bottom price.

And sign it Oscar Jaffe. Right. Go ahead.

Say, O. J...

where are you gonna

house these monsters?

I'm going to construct a small zoo

next to the green room.

I wish I knew

the name of the Sultan of Turkey.

- I don't suppose you know it, do you?

- No. Not offhand.

What sort of didos are you casting him for?

I don't want him, you fool.

I want his dervishes, the whirling ones.

I want a dozen of them.

Now go and get his address.

I'll go and ask the conductor.

Owen, something tells me you're

not educated enough for this sort of thing.

- I'll have to hire some professor.

- Save your dough, sire.

I yield the lamp of learning to no one.

Owen, did you see Lily?

- I harped on that check for a half an hour.

- Go get her, Owen. Don't fail me.

I'll bring her if I have to bring her

on a stretcher.

- Where are you going, Owen?

- I'm detouring over the Alps again.

- How did you get on, O.J.?

- Listen, I want to tell you something.

I don't quite trust that man.

I want you to get off at Cleveland

and cash that check...

so I can give Lily her pound of flesh.

Get out your pen so I can endorse it.

I'm not bragging,

but I'd just like to point out...

that little Oliver Webb delivers in a pinch.

I'm thinking of promoting you, Oliver.

We'll have to get you a secretary...

a little fat one that you can boss around

all by yourself.

You're not bad-looking, you know...

if you'd only burn that hat.

Now run along, Oliver, and leave me alone.

I'm very busy.

It' s outrageous, that' s what it is.

- But it isn't the conductor's fault.

- What happened?

We were sitting here,

and for no reason at all...

this horrible old man rushed in

and stuck this sticker on the window.

- He's loose again.

- Did you see him?

No, sir, he's just up and down

with those stickers like a ghost.

Our lives aren't safe

with this creature loose.

Don't worry. They're taking him off

at Cleveland. We'll be there soon.

I can't find him anywhere.

All right, keep on the job.

You take these people...

into their car and see

that they're well taken care of.

Happy days are here again

Happy days are here

Is that a new one?

No, same one.

Just had it cleaned and blacked.

Personally, I prefer a derby.

- No, I mean the sticker.

- Same one.

Happy days are here

Say, we're on time, aren't we?

Yes. He's not causing Mr. Jaffe any trouble,

is he?

Who?

- The gentleman in Drawing Room D.

- Mr. Clark? Not at all.

Happy days are here

I see you know his name all right.

Do you happen to know where he's hiding?

No, I don't.

Who are you talking about?

Mr. Clark.

I've looked over every inch of this train.

I can't find him.

Who's after him?

We're trying to keep it undercover,

but it' s a pretty sad case all around.

What are you talking about?

Clark. He's the one

putting up these stickers.

- It' s an infamous lie.

- I'm not going to argue...

but we caught him red-handed.

Here, read this.

If you happen to run into him again,

just engage him in conversation...

and don't let on that you know he's crazy.

Don't be frightened

because he's perfectly harmless.

Come on, Bob, we'll go through this train

with a fine-toothed comb.

I don't know, Owen.

Signing another contract with Oscar is like...

Come on. Pull yourself together.

Here's the historic quill.

Look out! You're ruining my negligee.

Owen, it' s like jumping off a cliff.

What are you saying?

That' s not a contract. It' s a coronation.

Barrels of rubies,

carpets for your pretty feet...

onyx bathtubs,

slews of myrmidons at your beck and call.

No, that' s not what I mean.

Come on,

sign it now while the sap is flowing.

Wait a minute.

I want to run through it once more.

Has she signed yet?

- Not yet, but she's going to.

- Listen, we've been fooled.

- That fellow, he's a lunatic.

- What fellow is that, pal?

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