Twin Town

"Life is never what is seems..."

"we always searching

in our dreams..."

"to find that little castle in the air"

"When worry starts to cloud the mind..."

"it's hard to leave it all behind

and pretend you haven't a care."

"There's someone else

in your imagination..."

"you wish you

were standing in their shoes."

"You'd change your life

without much hesitation."

"But would you

if you really had to choose?"

"So don't look around..."

"get your feet on the ground."

"It's much better by far..."

"to be just as you are."

"For the other man's

grass is always greener."

"The sun shines brighter

on the other side."

"For the other man's

grass is always greener."

"Some are lucky,

some are not."

"Just be thankful for what you got."

They are f***ing dead.

F***ing dead as f***!

- How much you get, Mrs. Mort?

- Hang on darling.

It says here on the bottle...

- Diazepans you wanted, wasn't it?

- Right.

BMW, fantastic Jeremy.

Very comfy.

- Company car, is it?

- Oy. Probably.

Now the boys have these

with their cider, Charlie.

Diazepans they are.

I knows that, but the kids likes

it with cider. Good times, eh.

Look at the dashboard on it.

12 quid.

Alright, Mrs. Mort?

Thank you boys.

Don't forget, there's a welcome

for you both in choir practice.

Your father was a fine tenor.

It'd be a shame to break the mold,

isn't it?

Boys, I was wondering if you could

get me more of those mushrooms.

- Mushrooms?

- The magic ones.

I sprinkles them on Charlie's fish.

He gets a good relief from them.

- We'll try.

- Thank you, boys.

What the f*** does that mean?

- What?

- That.

Ambition is f***ing critical.

It says, "Ambition is Critical."

There's no "f***ing" in it.

It's a play on words.

- A What?

- Dylan Thomas.

The poet Dylan Thomas.

He said "Swansea is

the graveyard of ambition."

And he was right.

- Did he right that?

- No, the Council wrote that.

Or they probably employed another poet

and he or she came up with that.

"Ambition is Critical."

Three words.

They got a poet to do

three f***ing words?

You can have as many words as you

like in a poem. It doesn't matter.

Is it supposed to be funny?

No, it's supposed to be clever.

Dylan Thomas also called Swansea...

"An ugly lovely town."

I'd call it...

A pretty shitty city.

Dylan Thomas didn't do as much

f***ing cocaine as you, did he?

At least mine f***ing rhymes.

Three words as well:

"Pretty shitty city."

I f***ing like that!

Pretty shitty city.

Three f***ing words!

I like that!

Can you get headphones

for that f***ing thing.

I can move on to book five now.

Let Cantona in, Adie.

There's a good girl!

Don't "good girl" me,

you fat bastard!

I'm busy on my nails.

Why do you speak to him in Welsh?

You got him in Bristol!

He can't understand a word.

What you go on today, Fatty?

A roofing hobble for Cartwright,

at the club.

- What's he paying?

- Adie, don't bloody start.

- How much?

- It's a little bit of cash.

- It's no big deal.

- What's he giving you?

- 30.

- 30?

- F***ing charlatan!

- You be careful up that roof, hear?

Could you take us to Penclawdd

Bowls Club, please?

- F*** off. I'm busy.

- Righty oh. Thank you very much.

I won't keep you

from a coal mine lads.

F*** me!

Everyone's got shoes

on their f***ing feet.

Not a rugby ball in sight.

Yeah, I've been picking

leeks all f***ing morning.

- Boyo.

- Yeah.

Welsh farmer counting sheep:

1, 2, 3.

5, 6, 7.

- Alright?

- Alright?

- Alright?

- No, I'm not alright. Thank you.

What time do you call this

coming home?

Blinking carry on you call all this!

- Cup of tea boys?

- "Cup of tea boys?"

It's not tea they wants,

it's a f***ing good hiding.

Ask 'em who was kind enough...

to lend them the two tone BWM

they been driving through the night.

- Go on, ask 'em.

- F*** off you nosey b*tch!

- Charming!

- Don't forget you two...

are seeing that probation

fellow Monday.

- Do you hear me?

- Christ!

He'll probably give 'em

two weeks in Lanzarote.

There's plenty of jeeps

for them to knick over there.

Look at the state of you!

You can get into the bath now!

The pair of you!

And oy!

The bath is for washing in,

not rinsing out your bong!

And this glue is for my submarine

not putting up your noses.

Don't think I don't notice,

'cause I do.

Buy your own f***ing glue.

If you leave it hanging around

the place all the time...

they're bound to take advantage.

It's probably them models that

got them on in it to start with.

You want a sausage, Adie?

She'll be having plenty of sausage

at the massage parlor. Ain't it Adie?

Oy! Now cut it out!

Adie is only a receptionist.

And it's an executive health spa

not a massage parlor.

The choke-a-woof dog collar...

Damn, I'm late!

- Ta-ta love.

- So long babes.

And you two behave today now.

Health spa!

Well while that fat git is earning

30 quid a day up...

Bryn Cartwright's roofing ladders...

and you f***ing vegetables are

killing yourselves in nicked cars...

I'm earning decent money.

So I can get out of this

pit hole f***ing dockyard.

You call that earning decent money?

How much is a wank, Adie?

Oy!

Don't worry love,

you can have a family discount.

You'll have to find

your wee little willies first though.

- Cut it out!

- Cut it off, more like!

F*** off Adie!

Coming.

Christ! He's left his bloody

dinner box again.

Take these sandwiches

up to the club please.

Feed Cantona, have a bath, and...

leave your father's glue alone.

So long!

Big night on Friday:

West Wales Semis.

- Bring the Missus.

- He knows 80 numbers solid now...

81 with "My Way" in f***ing Welsh.

What's your big number, Chip?

"Like a f***ing Virgin"!

Only one he know off by heart.

No, there's a lot of mileage

in this karaoke lark, Fatty.

Karaoke's killing the f***ing

Welsh choir music, Dai.

You can't beat a male voice choir.

That's proper f***ing singing.

Well, we're gonna be

the karaoke kings. Right Dai?

King and f***ing queen more like!

What the f*** are you laughing at?

F***ing twat!

- Sorry Terry. We didn't see you.

- Are you f***ing blind, or what?

Terry, you weren't f***ing looking!

- What the f*** are you laughing at?

- I'm not laughing, Terry. Look.

F***ing don't.

You still on for this stuff, Dai?

- You got the gear?

- You got the cash?

Up the club.

See you there.

- Hang on, Dai.

- What?

Put your seat belts on.

Clunk-click,

every f***ing trip.

I said what's the best color top

in the Premier League...

and you said Man U black.

And I f***ing had you.

Right. You gotta do a toke under

water and hold it five seconds.

1, 2, 3, 4,

4 and a half.

Alright.

This will f***ing have you.

Why is it that some teams

corner flags and halfway flags...

are triangular and some

are f***ing square?

Go on then.

Never f***ing get this one.

F***ing hell!

I know this.

I f***ing know it.

It has something to do with...

Premier and Endsleigh League

stadium capacities.

No, it's not.

I know!

If they've got square flags...

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