Two of a Kind

---

Neverstand behind a golfer, dummy,

when he's gettin'ready, to take a shot.

Stand over there.

Damn!

- Want some chicken?.

- I quit eatin' meat. It slows me down.

Let's go, boys. The boss is on his way.

I'm glad he's comin' back,

but there goes my golf game--

weekends too.

Should be around here somewhere.

Hey, Gonzales, you see

where my ball went?.

I'm notyour caddy. I'm a garbage man.

Yeah, butyou got eyes.

You can see that garbage.

You oughta be able to

see a little white ball.

- Charlie! Charlie! You see my ball?.

- Yeah, I saw it.

- Where is it?.

- God only knows.

You know, Charlie, you

oughta ask them fora change.

You've been a bum down there

for almost a millennium.

Look, you worry about what you do,

and I 'll worry about what I do.

Do you know what it's like to hear

you guys argue through eternity?.

Well, put some chicken in your ears.

Charlie, give me my ball. I

knowyou took it! Gimme my ball.

Stop arguing, boys. Give him his ball.

Did he saywhat he's been doing?.

Where's he been since 1960?.

- I mean, may,be he forgot he's God.

- Listen...

he's been working 24 hours a day,,

six day,s a week since the dawn oftime.

Don't you think he deserves

some kind of rest and change?.

Yeah, but he

hadn't even--

H:

- How was your vacation?.

Oh, I think I caught a cold.

- Bless yourself.

- Thanky,ou.

Can't I turn my back for a minute?.

When the cat's away,

the mice will play, huh?.

I leavey,ou fourin charge

fora mere 25y,ears--

a drop in the bucket

oftime, by,the way,--

I come back, and the

world is a total mess.

We're understaffed.

Oh, y,ou're gonna pass the

buck, huh? That's y,our answer?

No, I - I think I have to do

something drastic. I wanna start over.

- You mean, real ly... start over?.

- Right. Right.

You remember the Bible, Adam and Eve.

May,be I'll start with a woman this time.

H m m. A flood worked

before. Yeah. I like it.

- But you said you'd never do that again!

- That's right.

- Didn't he promise?. -

Yes! - You did. You did.

Hey! I'm God. I changed my mind.

But there's still a lot of

goodness left in the world.

- She's right. There is.

- Yeah!

Yeah!

Yousay,there's goodness

left in the world, huh?

Okay,. Show me one goodperson.

What about him?.

- Great choice, moron.

- There's a good person!

- Ruthie, give me a ty,pical man.

- There's one!

- Which one?

- Him!

That kid? Done!

- He looks nervous.

- Since when is nervous a crime?

Looks like my, cousin, Paco.

He 's doing time in Folsom.

All right. Hold it

down. I like this. Yeah.

How you doi n', Stuart?.

$ 13,464.

Stuart, I told ya I 'd

get it for ya. I promise.

I want it today at 6..00.

- All right.

- Hold him.

Or else, I'm gonna takeyour ears.

Ya understand?.

- Say "yes."

- Yes.

Now.

It worked.

Zack, no more excuses this time.

I want that money, and I want all

ofit, or I'm gonna takeyour ears...

and I'm gonna grind them and all those

stupid inventions ofyours into dust!

Ya hear me?. Pick up the phone,

Zack. I knowyou're listening.

Don't stand so closely.

Get back in the car.

Zack! 6..00 or it's all over. 6..00.

Aaah!

Lucky.

Howya doin'?.

You know, I came toyou becauseyou are

by far the foxiest chick in the bank.

Broadway Savings. Good

morning. Can I helpyou?.

This is Susan Elliott.

- Uh, your check!

- Oh, thanks.

Morning. I, uh, came to you...

'cause I thinkyou're the

prettiest chick in the bank.

I'm sorry. I'm closed.

Twenty,, 40, 60, 80, 100.

Howya doin'?.

You know, I, uh, came to you

because I think you're by,far the

foxiest chick in the bank.

Can I help you?.

$13,464 and smile.

You're kidding.

Smile.

I only have 600.

Look.

All right. Go in the

back and get the rest.

Ifyou screw this up,

I'm gonna shoot somebody.

Me?.

No. Her.

Oh. Okay.

I have to go in the back.

What?.

- Nothing.

- What?.

Nothing.

Your mustache is falling off.

How 'bout now?.

It's still a little off.

- You'd really look betterwithout it.

- Don't get cute.

Just get the money, will ya?.

- Goodmorning, Debbie.

- Hi.

All right. We've been here too long.

I'll meet you at the swinging door.

That reallywouldn't be

very smart, would it?.

- Everyone will seeyou.

- Then take this shopping bag...

- that I left hereyesterday and fill it.

- Okay.

- I'll look for it.

- Okay. Thankyou.

Thankyou.

- Can I helpyou?.

- No, I'm just, uh--

I left a bag hereyesterday. I'm

waiting to see iftheyfind it.

- Oh, you found it?. Thankyou.

- You'rewelcome.

I'm single.

Mr. Sikes!

Back! Get down! Get down!

Stay!

Oh, nice try.

Look, let's not waste any more time.

I'm not gonna change my mind.

Wait! Wait! Hold it.

Okay, he's rotten.

Let's pick another one.

No, no, no. He was your choice.

- Not mine.

- I didn't tell him to rob that bank.

- He looked like a nice kid to me.

- Looked like my cousin, Paco.

Can we please choose someone else?.

No!

But could we have a few more

hours?. Just a little more time?.

"I wasted time, but now

doth time waste me. "

Shakespeare?.

Richard I I, act five, scene five.

Tonight. J ust give us until tonight.

That young man's gonna

shape up. Let's watch him.

All right. All right. One more look.

Sh--

F*** it!

Broadway Savings. Good morning.

Hi, baby.

- How you doin'?. You having a good day?.

- Oh! Oh!

Debbie? Wait. Don't

come in. Close the door.

Yeah, this is Monarch Photos.

That checky,ou wrote bounced.

Couldy,ou give us a call and

straighten this out? Thanks.

You're welcome.

- You're home early,.

- I got fi red.

Again?

- Where's my bed?.

- It was repossessed.

Chotiner let them in this

morning when we weren't home.

- He wants y,our rent money,.

- Okay.

Al I right! I 'm com i ng.

Thanks.

Listen, you shouldn't keep

buyin' things you can't afford.

Very irresponsible. Can I have my rent?.

Look! Lookwhat I got!

Can you believe it?.

Chicken liver forever, Brando.

Hundred dollar bills!

Here's this month's and next month's

in advance. Good night, Mr. Chotiner.

Listen, where'd you get this money?.

I told you I'd get it. You should have

more faith in people, shouldn'tyou?.

Listen, I caught a cold

from your cat. Oh, yes.

Humans don't catch colds

from cats, Mr. Chotiner.

He came down...

the fire escape and in mywindow...

and sat on my chest and gave me a cold.

Now, look. I wouldn't mind

catching a cold from you...

but not from your precious cat.

- Get lost!

- I mean it.

I mean it! I mean it! Listen!

I'm home ifyou everwant me.

Here, honey,. Willy,ou

hold this? Not that!Stop it!

Hey, guys, where are you going?.

Look. I got steak, Dom Perignon...

and I have your favorite

cheese in there, Ron.

- Oh, were you gonna cook

dinner for us?. - Uh-huh.

Oh,y,ou're kidding. We have this

party, that Ron forgot to tell me about.

Party?

Hey, by the way, why'd

you get fired this time?.

This is terrific cheese. We'll

eat it at the party. Thanks a lot.

- Come on. Let's go.

- Are you gonna be all right?.

What arey,ou gonna do?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes