Two Smart People

[music]

[music continues]

(male #1)

Fine art of cookery.

A lot of good recipes?

(Ace)

'Best in the world.'

(male #1)

You want this wrapped?

'Ah, no. Don't bother.'

'I like to have it handy to

browse through at odd moments.

(Ace) 'My fondest regards

to your dear wife. '

She will be young again

for a full hour.

Good night, friend.

Good night.

- Ace.

- Huh?

Take care of yourself, sir.

I'll try to.

[music]

Oh, yes, Mr. Connors.

Please, this way.

Excuse me.

- Has Mr. Chadwick arrived?

- Not yet.

- I'll bring him.

- Thank you.

Ah, good evening, Mr. Connors.

Hello, Fred.

Mm-hmm.

- Mm. Excellent, Fred.

- Thank you.

Except that it needs,

with your permission

just a touch of saffron.

(Fred)

Aha.

Ladies.

[music continues]

Isn't there some mistake?

(waiter)

'No, Mr. Connors.'

'The young lady asked

for your table.'

Oh, of course.

How stupid of me.

I didn't recognize you

in that new hairdo.

Naturally, since

we've never met.

But I knew we'd meet somewhere

the moment I laid eyes on you.

Do you read tea leaves too?

I do much better with olives.

A dry martini, Sir?

- Two dry martinis.

- Yes, Sir.

I, uh, like this,

but I have a guest coming.

It might be embarrassing

if I had to introduce you

as darling.

What's your name?

Ricki Woodner.

Mr. Chadwick asked me

to meet him here.

Miss or Mrs. Woodner?

Miss.

Oh, "The Fine Art of Cookery."

Having servant trouble,

Mr. Connors?

No. Just a hobby of mine.

Do you happen to know

his recipe for ortolans?

Saut a number of large plums.

On each plum, place an ortolan

wrapped in grape leaves.

Bake for five minutes and serve.

But the plums are

not to be eaten.

- They're merely served..

- As a garnish.

...for the ortolans.

What are you two talking about?

And what in the world

are ortolans?

Like turkeys.

Only this big.

Hello, Mr. Chadwick.

- Hello.

- Well, hello.

We've just discovered

we're soul mates.

Oh.

Dwight, who is this

wonderful Mr. Connors?

I didn't know he was a cook.

I thought he was an oil man.

Olive or banana?

- Lubricating.

- Ha-ha, ha-ha.

- Bring me scotch, will you?

- Yes, Sir.

Go ahead, Connors.

Tell her about the deal.

Why surely, you

wouldn't be interested?

Oh, but I would.

I have an option on eight miles

of quite beautiful swamps.

(Chadwick)

'Swamps?'

With millions of gallons of oil

just begging to be taken out.

Oil out of swamps? Wouldn't that

be a bit difficult?

Not at all. Same principle

as underseas drilling.

You sink a well here..

...drain the oil off

the property there.

Slant drilling.

Oh, sometimes called

crooked drilling.

Ha ha.

(Ace) 'My option expires in five days.'

I was fortunate enough to get

an advance copy of this

Petroline Incorporate report.

12,000 barrels a day, huh?

Well, that looks..

All you have to do is put up

some of your bonds as collateral

to make the option good.

'We stand to split a nice,

cool million in five days.'

Understanding, of course,

that I retain 51% interest.

Oh, definitely. Oh, that's

absolutely understood.

Well, it sounds like

a... very good deal to me.

Very good indeed.

We can talk more about it later.

Now, how about a little dinner?

But drilling for oil isn't such

a good deal though, is it?

- Have you heard of Rockefeller?

- Ha ha, yeah.

Yes, but I knew

my father a lot better.

He invested the family fortune

in a couple of wells.

Then, when he lost

the old homestead

we looked up the figures.

Would you believe it?

Eleven wild cat wells

out of twelve are failures.

Isn't that amazing?

I-I, um, are you

certain of that?

Well, I ought to be.

My father wanted it engraved

on his tombstone

but we talked him out of it.

Eleven out of twelve?

- That's right.

- That's alright.

Well, ah, Connors, perhaps

on second thought

I should investigate this

a little more thoroughly, huh?

Why don't we just

forget it, Mr. Chadwick.

I don't mind keeping

it all to myself.

[Ricki chuckles]

- About that dinner...

- Oh, now, wait a minute.

It still may be a good deal.

(Ricki) 'Well, if you

believe in miracles..'

(Chadwick) 'No, I do

not believe in miracles.'

Shall we just say that Dwight

here isn't the speculative type?

(Dwight) 'Yes. Why don't

we say that, Connors?'

- 'And with no hard feelings.'

- Certainly not.

Shall we start with

a little asparagus bisque?

Oh, I'd love to, but I forgot.

I promised Ricki to drop by her

rooms and see some paintings.

Paintings?

But, of course, Miss Woodner,

you're an artist.

These are part of the collection

that belonged to my uncle.

As a matter of fact

they're smuggled in from Europe,

and I'm thinking of buying them.

By all means, let's stop

and see the paintings.

Oh, I don't think you'd be

very interested, Mr. Connors.

Oh, but I would, Miss Woodner.

Anything in oil.

(Chadwick)

'Mm-hmm.'

Mm-hmm.

Yes, sir.

N-now to me, that's a very

interesting composition.

Certainly is.

And the handsome figure

of a woman too.

My old sweetheart.

- Your what?

- Yes.

I visited her every afternoon

one spring in Paris.

- When she hung in the Louvre.

- Oh, she, ha ha, the Louvre.

The Louvre?

I thought you said

this came from Brussels.

Perhaps that was the year it was

loaned to the French gallery.

Very likely.

That's odd.

Oh, what's the matter?

Well, nothing.

I must be mistaken.

About what?

I always thought the artist,

Miranda, was left-handed.

These brush strokes

are from right to left.

They are?

But then, I've forgotten.

And after all, how many

artists are left-handed?

Ha ha. Well, I don't know.

Mr. Chadwick, Blue Dawn is one

of the world's real treasures.

Yes, and a darn good

investment too.

Oh, it's wonderful

when you're lucky enough

to get an authentic original.

Oh, yes. Well, a fellow's

gotta be pretty careful too.

Yes. Reproductions are

so clever these days

'even museums aren't sure

when they have the real thing.'

(Ace)

'I take Blue Dawn.'

How many know of the artist's

inscription on the back?

"To my beloved wife, Katushka."

- It has?

- Yes.

Well, I didn't know that.

Excuse me.

Hey, I don't see anything.

It isn't here.

Oh, it isn't?

Oh, just look

in the lower left-hand corner.

Oh, the lower left hand.

'Hey!'

There's nothing on the back

of this at all.

Why, this is just one

of those, those reproductions.

- But a very fine one.

- Oh, that isn't the point.

She was going to have..

Say, I bet all these are fakes.

At least, you haven't

bought them.

Well, I would've bought them

if you hadn't..

Thank you very much.

Young lady, I want you to know

that I could have you..

Oh, this is a lesson to me.

Oil paintings and..

...oil wells.

Thank you very much.

I think I'll stick

to Magna Cola.

Young lady, misrepresentation

is a practice...

I'm sorry that

you're just leaving.

Yeah, well, I don't

feel very well.

- Ah, no dinner then?

- No. I have no appetite.

It's a practice that

shouldn't be practiced.

- Good night.

- And that goes for you too.

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