Uncle John Page #4

I'll bet.

Yeah, he was going on and on

about how Dutch came over a week

or so ago and started to get

all high and mighty on him.

You mind if I tend to something

over here for a minute?

No, no, no, go right ahead.

Yeah, I guess Dutch

and him almost came to blows.

- No kidding.

- Yeah.

Dutch came over and tried

to apologize and then asked him

to repent or something.

Got real intense, I guess.

I guess his power of prayer

didn't stop his bullying,

though.

What was it he did for you?

He just, you know, helped out.

It was a favor to Dede, mostly.

Oh, right.

Right.

They were an item there

for a while, weren't they?

Right before her accident.

Yeah, that was a tough time.

Terrible thing.

Mm, ugh. Excuse me.

What, you're kidding me... you've never

seen "trains, planes & automobiles"?

- No.

- "Uncle buck"?

- Nope.

- Oh.

You are missing

some amazing, freeze frame,

like, John candy smiles.

Like... that kind of thing.

I don't do him very well.

My mom used to love that guy.

- She doesn't anymore?

- Nah.

Why not?

Well, she passed away.

- Oh, my god, I'm so sorry.

- No, no, no, that's okay.

She... well,

it was a really long time ago.

Well, how old were you?

Uh, I was 11.

Actu... no, I was 10.

She was in an accident.

So your dad raised you, then?

He was supposed to.

I, uh, my...

At the time of the accident,

I was staying

at my uncle's house,

and my dad said that he was

gonna come and get me.

And then he just never

really showed, which is...

Um, but they weren't together

at the time, and...

It's okay, I guess he split

tow... split town or something.

But I didn't really want

him to come get me, anyway.

Sorry.

That got really personal.

No, no.

I'm fine, thank you.

Happy.

Well, I mean, I just wanted to

take you out and cheer you up.

No, it was nothing.

Maybe, I don't know...

I don't think... I don't think

Dex likes me very much.

What do you think?

I mean, he's always

claiming something's wrong,

but I don't know.

Everything seems fine to me,

and even when things are going

great, he seems pissed off.

Does he do that a lot?

Man, I've never met a person

who's so in love with drama.

And his ideas are terrible.

I mean, they're really awful.

He's hairless.

- What?

- You never noticed that before?

Yeah, uh, apparently, uh,

his wife told Teddy

the whole thing

at last year's Christmas party.

Had one too many nogs

or something.

Anyway, yeah, so,

he'll stand like in the middle

of the bathroom,

and I'm sure stark naked

like the Da Vinci guy.

And then she takes a razor

and shaves him from the neck

to the toe.

Oh, that's disgusting.

It's a nice image if you picture

the whole thing in your head,

which I'd like

you to do right now.

- Yeah, thank you, thank you.

- Yeah? You got it?

- No, I...

- So, anyway, that...

That's not leaving anytime soon.

Well, anyway, that's the bozo

that you're all worked up about,

so maybe picture that next time

he's giving you the business.

Just picture him

sliding around on his own pubes

in the middle of the bathroom...

Sorry.

That's gross, I know.

So, why'd you end up

moving here?

Uh... I... I had to get

out of New York.

- Run out of town?

- Yes, it's dangerous.

Um, no, I was in a... I was

in a relationship with a guy,

and it didn't work out

and it was a bad breakup.

And... I'm young, right?

I'm fun.

I don't want to be anything too

serious or now, anyway, so...

He was older, too.

Ah, how much older?

Like, salt and pepper older.

Ooh, I love it.

And I worked with him, too.

That was the biggest mistake.

- Everything good?

- Yeah.

Setting an alarm clock

or something?

No, I'm sorry.

That's cool, thanks.

Just busting your chops.

- Busting my chops?

- Mm-hmm.

All right.

Focus.

Um... you know any jokes?

Hmm, no.

Oh, come on.

You don't know any jokes?

- Nope.

- No, like, a joke?

- Okay, here's one for you.

- Okay.

So, I went to the doctor

recently.

He said, "Ben,

you have to stop masturbating."

And I said, "why?"

And he said, "because I'm trying

to examine you."

So, that's kind of gross.

I didn't make that one up.

I shouldn't be...

I should tell you.

But you can just picture me...

Well, don't.

- Wow.

- I don't have any clean jokes.

Just dirty ones?

- Just dirty ones.

- Wow.

I actually recently

got over a breakup myself.

I mean, you know,

about six months ago, but...

So it wasn't that recent, but it

was a really long relationship.

- How long are we talking about?

- About five years.

- That's long.

- That's a long time.

- That's a long one.

- Yeah, and she was awful to me.

- It was a bad breakup?

- It was a bad breakup.

- Yeah.

- Excuse me, ooh.

- You okay?

- Good beer, yeah.

All right, well...

- Well, how about now?

- Now?

- Yeah.

- Like, am I dating?

- Yeah.

- Mm, kind of.

Well, I mean...

No.

And do you want to?

Well, I mean, you know,

I wouldn't be adverse to it.

Okay, what are you looking for?

Like, you know,

chicks with d*cks.

No, no.

Ladies wearing, like, rare furs.

You know, drunk chicks.

Drunk chicks?

Well, we're in a bar, so...

I'm just kidding.

Yeah, it shouldn't be hard.

No, I'm kidding.

Like her?

Her, the, uh...

One in the neon Aztec tee?

Yeah.

I'm just saying,

Ben, if you want,

I can probably

get you laid tonight.

Hmm... no, I'm good.

- You're good?

- Mm-hmm.

You don't want

to get laid tonight?

Well, you know, I'm...

I'm really tired.

You done?

- Almost.

- Finish her up.

Thanks.

Okay.

Welcome to my humble adobe.

- Thank you.

- Yeah.

You want something to drink?

Sure, that'd be good.

- Wine?

- Yeah, why not?

You don't have to open

a new bottle or anything.

No, it's cool.

My roommate opened one,

like, a month ago,

so we are all good.

All right.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

- Got it?

- Yeah.

- Here we go.

- All righty.

- Whoa.

- Well, you got to follow it.

Chase the snake, man.

Yes. Bob when I weave.

Yeah.

It's a test.

What was the test?

Just to see what you're made of.

You got to be quick

on your feet.

Yeah.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

You usually do...

I don't know how.

Just drink it.

I feel like we're

at a square dance.

Yeah.

It's a hoedown.

It's a hoedown.

It's a hoedown.

- But you have to curtsy first.

- All right.

Curtsy.

- Whoa.

- That was a trick.

Oh

I gotcha.

Yeah, do you like my apartment?

Yeah, it's nice.

- It's got nice stuff.

- Thanks.

It's all, like, found items.

- Oh.

- Stuff I found.

Like, I don't like to buy

anything 'cause I don't want to,

like, contribute to,

like, you know,

just like sweat shops and stuff.

Yeah.

Well, this old dog

learned a new trick.

Our next couple

is from sunny Tempe, Arizona.

He also likes to keep his eye

on the prize.

Uh, dude, you okay?

Okay.

Morning, Vivian.

Hi, John.

You doing okay?

- I'm fine.

- Good.

That a way.

Fellas, what's going

on this fine day?

- Hiya, John.

- John.

Yeah,

Danny's out of jail already.

He's sitting right over there.

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