Unicorn City

You are my fever

A heat beneath my bones,

I won't escape it

My skin's as thin as

those who've come before

All those that suffer

for the greater good

You are my temptress

Why can't you see that I am working

Stop bothering me

And take the key in case

you need to come back

And I can smell what you're cooking

I'm nearly torn from the moment

By the rattle you make

And I'm walkin' through

feelings that you love me

But just because I can hear you

doesn't mean I can't sleep

And you wanna believe

that you can tempt me

No, no, no

Oh, oh, oh

I don't need it, I can identify

Oh, oh, I'll just break

it as you ought to reply

And you're walking

through feelings

I will remind you that

this body will keep

And I wanna believe

that you can tempt me

And I wanna believe

that you can tempt me

And I wanna believe

that you can tempt me

No, no, no, no

No, you cannot graft the thumbs

of a dead orc onto your paws

Just so you can hold a sword.

Is it not conceivable that I

would have at least a half thumb

From my grandmother's

recessive gene?

Tygraxamus, you can't have a sword.

- This is stupid.

- Weak.

Guys, this bickering is totally

ruining my suspension of disbelief.

I mean, you lure me into a barnyard

of the coveted brain juice

Just to corner me with these

bloodsucking bovines.

And your problem is?

Spontaneously growing appendages

in the middle of the campaign

Disrupts my story's

delicate balance.

Frickin' puss 'n boots

carries a sword.

I warned you months ago

the ills of selecting

A feline digitagrade

as your character.

You're killin' the game, Shadow Hawk.

Clancy, I'll protect you.

We're eatin' veal tonight.

Who's with me?

- I'd follow you anywhere, my liege.

- Epic.

With the song of old, I,

Magmald Teufelschlager,

Will protect you from

their mind control.

- Sing with me.

- Aah...

Voss, you can't do that.

I can't do what?

Sing. You have no vocal cords.

I'm a bardladin, okay? Slaying

and singing is what I do.

You are a wandering phantom

trapped in the astral plane.

You've cut the umbilical cord that

tethered your soul to the mortal world.

- Your body is back at the glen.

- I didn't cut my cord.

- Pat, did I cut my cord?

- No cords were cut.

You tried sharpening

your sword on it.

No, I wasn't.

- Yes.

- No.

- Yes.

- No.

- Yep. Yep.

- No, there was no sharpening.

- Yep. Yep.

- You're having a senior moment!

Personal attacks.

Very mature.

Every time Magmald defies

one of your lame monsters,

Your reap vengeance on

a member of the guild.

And you're creating monsters that don't

even exist in the known universe.

Release Moon-Strider

from the pale ruby.

Let me come down from

the astral plane.

- Give Tygraxamus some thumbs!

- Yeah!

May I remind you, it's "D of D"...

"Dawn of days"... My

game, my creation!

If you don't like it, Voss, Why

don't you go join another guild?!

But stop picking apart my narrative in

some desperate attempt for attention!

Yaahhh!

Three hundred dollars?

Come on, Gary, I can get a couple of

pristine plastic tables for 20 bucks.

Mr. Gary says this is

for punitive damages

For the other times you popped your

lid and scared customers away.

Personally, I think

it's pretty gracious

Considering he could press charges.

Why does he have my sword?

To ensure that Mr. Gary is paid in full.

Or you could take a ride.

Oh, that sucks.

What's worse is he's never

gonna last in prison,

Not with a pretty face like that.

Oh, that's Pat-Pat. I gotta go.

- I'll talk to you later.

- I'll think positive. Tell me what happens.

Oh!

You've been wearing my

magnets. I can tell.

Your complexion is less...

Oily.

Admit it. The therapy works.

Uh, yeah. Thanks for...

letting me use them.

Oh, stay your hand.

Have you tried sleeping with them?

I find my dreams change color

depending on where I place them.

I'm leaving.

Voss.

My freakin' hard drive.

Oh!

Oh, man!

Oh...

So, how was working

with your brother?

I don't know. Maybe it's coming

from the gaming industry

To, uh, food service,

but I can't do it.

You know, they don't

even have benefits?

You're gonna have to get a

job at some point, right?

You can come work at

Digicert with me.

Oh, no, actually, I have my interview

with Warlocks of the Beach,

So...

Warlocks of the...

Of the Beach?

Yeah, that's the one that's

gonna take you to Seattle?

- Yeah.

- And that's... This is a good thing.

This is great... for you.

This is your dream.

Yeah. I'm gonna sell 'em on my new

ideas for that gaming scenario.

I figure it's time for

me to move up, so...

And that's it. Oh...

Um, I'll see ya tomorrow.

You know what? Actually, um,

I have some good news of my own.

Did you know that I've been

dating someone online?

Yeah, I remember.

Oh. You... You do. Okay, well...

I wanted to show you.

His name is Tanick Stormblade.

He's a rogue, huh? Those are

sweet heroic shoulder pads.

Yeah, when we melee together, it's

like we've done so in a former life.

As you can imagine, our

relationship is very special,

And so after months

of online courtship,

I feel his intentions are noble...

And so tomorrow we're

meeting for hoagies.

Sweet. Be careful.

I... I will.

But if he does the same

thing Samantha did...

You and Samantha broke up?

Yeah. She said she wanted

somebody more responsible.

I am...

I'm so sorry about that.

I... I'm so sorry...

to hear that.

- Let's... Do you want to talk about this?

- Nope.

But hey, if Tanick hurts

you, let me know,

I'll find his character

online and kick its ass.

Thank you... Voss.

The most important lesson in life

Is that you are what

you pretend to be.

Did you pull that out

of a fortune cookie?

It's the secret to

surviving this world.

You want to be a knight,

pretend you're a knight

And live by their code

and think like one.

And in the end, you ARE a knight.

Well, I'm just tired

of wasting my life,

Not being productive.

You're not gonna be out

there just, like, doing...

Oh, hey.

Where's Voss?

He's not...

I will break your liver.

You didn't show up

at the taco shop.

Aaah! Clancy!

You said that your unemployment

would help me pay the rent...

Ow!!!! And then you told

me that you'd have a job,

What was that, five,

six months ago?

Ow! Ow!

I'm sensing a pattern here.

I don't like it.

Ow! I have my meeting with

Warlocks at the Beach, all right?!

I'm not going smelling

like a fish taco!

Now, this is a new choke hold I learned

tonight from Jackson the mighty.

It's a ballet of

violence, brother...

A ballet of violence.

Unh! Pliee....

Sashay...

I have my interview tomorrow!

You tellin' me the truth? Yeah?

'Cause if you're lying, then

you're out of here, bro.

Why don't you choke Clancy anymore?

Because Clancy participates,

helps me pay the rent.

And look at him...

Can't handle my rhythm.

Right, Clance?

Yeah.

Yeah... yeah.

Pansy.

I held out for twice that long.

Tapping is for suckers.

What'd you guys eat?

Bok Choy.

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