Valentino Page #3

What did I say?

Beer, Meanie.

- Mr Meanie!

- (Electronic buzzing)

Ow!

(# Drum roll)

(Audience cheers, claps)

(Booing)

Hey! What have we got here, huh?

A floor show or a cattle drive?

Breathe deeply, ignore them.

Hey, if you're out of booze,

just have this bimbo sweat in a glass.

You're a professional -

obscure them with your chin.

Somebody's not laughing.

Hey, Sister!

You dance like my ass chews gum!

Forty-six skidoo!

And that means both of you.

(# Music stops)

Hey, do me a favour, huh?

Get off!

Madam, permit me

to complete your dance card.

El Chocolo.

(# Orchestra strikes up)

I'm sorry.

(Audience laughs)

- Valenti...

- Don't tell me. I know.

You're fired.

(# "O Sole Mio" on piano)

# O sole mio

# Sta 'nfronte a me!

# Sta 'nfronte...

# Che bella cosa... #

(Humming)

Cor, Fatty sure is going to be

mad at me.

You are much better off

without that eleohante.

- Ramos Fizz?

- Yeah.

- Is it nice?

- Yeah.

- Nice and creamy.

- Yeah, I like them really creamy.

That's why Fatty don't like me ordering 'em,

on account he has to lose weight.

# Then he'd have nothing

# To chuck around... #

Sorry about this old mess here.

My maid ain't in tonight.

- You mean you live here all alone?

- Yeah.

I'm getting a bigger spot, too.

Soon as I get a raise.

Two more pictures

and my contract's up for renewal.

- Pictures?

- Yeah.

I guess you're not exactly

a charmed member of my fan club, huh?

I'm sorry.

I don't go to many movies.

But I'm sure I've seen you

somewhere before.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Well, don't worry about it.

There's plenty that have.

You ain't even seen

the poster for my new movie?

They were all over town.

Well, I've just arrived from Omaha.

Yeah? Well, say...

You ought to try pictures yourself

if you're staying for a while.

You got a lot of style.

I mean that as a strictly professional

compliment.

I haven't had much acting experience,

I'm afraid.

Acting, hmm?

No, all you need in movies

is to look sincere.

Let me tell you, brother.

Looking sincere in this town

is a lot of hard work.

There must be more to acting than that.

No, silly. Nobody even hears

a word you're saying.

So, lots of times when I'm supposed

to be saying my lines,

I just mouth a lot of cuss words

to try and break up the kids on the crew.

Maybe you can teach me

a few cuss words.

Sure.

I do feel kinda responsible for you.

Losing your job and all.

Was the erm... lady taking care of you?

I'm unattached, unemployed...

no strings.

Oh, you'll do all right.

Would you believe it?

Last year I was waiting tables in Dallas.

Just imagine.

(June) Well, Richard,

what do you think?

(Richard) He looks what he is,

a dancehall gigolo.

Come on, Richard, what do you expect?

It's a Keystone two-reeler.

Now, forget the part he's playing

and use your imagination.

Ah! Now there's a possibility.

(Laughs) For Wally Reid?

Hey, don't laugh.

He's a star - big box office.

Not a...

not a bit player like your man.

You see, honey, Wally's the boy next door

all the women love.

(June) I know the women of America,

and they want to vamoose

from the boy next door.

Valentino's their ticket

to a faraway land of romance.

Now remember, our hero in the movie

is from South America, not South Dakota.

You give Reid sideburns and a bottle

of brilliantine, and he's as Latin as, er...

you know, er...

as a Mexican jumping bean.

More like six foot of home-grown corn.

Mmh.

But at least he's tried and tested.

Now, we're making a million-dollar movie.

How can I take a chance

on an unknown like Valentine?

(June) Valentino.

(Richard) Yeah, Valentino.

(June) You like him when he danced

at Baron Long's.

(Richard) Our picture isn't going to be

one long tango.

The part calls for a great Latin lover.

The schmuck looks like a tailor's dummy.

(June) Well, he does have to

dance with her.

The only time Wally looks good

is when he's holding a football.

Yeah.

Come on now, Richard.

What do you say?

Well, he wears a custard pie as well as

the next man, but honey, he'd...

He'd look better carrying a tray

than carrying a picture. I've seen enough.

No, wait a minute. OK, wait.

Now, that was a mistake,

but wait a minute, I want you

to see him in something romantic.

I want you to see him

in something dramatic.

Honey, I can't offer this guy

to a director like Rex Ingram.

He'll buy it. Don't you forget, you didn't

want Rex either until I sold him to you.

Bert... Bert?

Can you kill this and run

The Married Virgin?

Married Virgin? (Laughs)

What I hear of Valentino,

it's the perfect casting.

I'm sorry, June.

Well, at least give him a screen test.

It would be a waste of good film stock.

Hey, isn't that the jerk that married that

starlet - what's her name - Jean Acker?

And on their wedding night she locked him

out of the honeymoon suite, eh?

This guy doesn't want a screen test,

he wants a sex test. (Laughs)

Oh, what about your wholesome

boy next door, Wally Reid -

can he get through a day

without cocaine?

At least Wally sniffs it, which is more

than Valentino does for his wife.

Oh, Richard, now come on.

You gotta trust me.

If the test is no good,

you pay for the film stock.

You got a deal.

OK.

Skip the rest, Bert.

Send all the stuff back to the distributors.

You look as if you're lost.

- Miss Mathis?

- That's me.

Your secretary said

I should come right on up.

You... you are not Mr Rudolph Valentino

by any chance?

It's Valentino right now,

but I'm thinking of changing it to Rudolph.

(Coughs) I mean, Richard Valentine.

Howdy, ma'am?

Pleased to meet you.

Afraid I'm a mite early,

but I guess I'm just a natural get-up

and go-getter.

Well, I, er... I'm not sure that

you're early enough, er...

Richard, we were just

checking through your credits.

I have my credentials right here.

My diploma - I graduated

with first class honours.

- Diploma?

- Yeah, right here.

Collegio Reale Agricolo...

The Royal Agricultural College of Genoa?

Not unlike Yale in many ways.

And you want to cultivate a big crop

of lettuce here in California, right?

Not lettuce. Oranges.

- Oranges?

- Yeah, I aim to buy an orange grove.

But my mother is far from well,

and first I must make some money

to bring her over from Italy.

Well, maybe you're about to do just that.

D'you know why you're here?

You are writing a screenplay

and are wanting me for the hero, I hope.

Am I right?

You know what sort of a hero?

There's only one sort -

the clean-cut American boy,

and as you can see,

I'm as Yankee as they come.

Yeah, but the hero of

The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse

is a Gaucho from Argentina

with a taste for the tango -

and he's Latin.

Count Rodolfo Alfonso Rafaello Pierre

Filibert Guglielmi di Valentina D'Antonguolla

at your service, Signorina.

Every day is Halloween in Tinseltown.

(# Tango plays)

(# Music stops)

(# Music resumes)

So, I said to June, of course it's a gamble.

Whoever heard of a dago playing a dago?

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