Video Vixens

And he stated again this

afternoon that he fully

intends to run for reelection.

That wraps up the national news.

I'm Jim Walters.

KLITT's Gordon Gordon went

to the movies last night,

and here he is to

tell you all about it.

Gordon?

Thank you, Jim.

I'm a movie critic.

I get paid to go to the movies.

People envy me.

They think my job is

some sort of a picnic.

Well, it's not a

picnic, not one bit.

Last night I more than

earned every bit of the money

that KLITT pays me.

I was witness to a movie

so lewd, so filthy,

noxious, and obscene that--

[beeping]

Yeah?

Tell him to go screw it.

Tell him I said so.

GORDON (ON TV):
To performs

ordid, sexual acts

with people, and it's just

a downright abomination

and a crime against nature.

None of you will have to

see that sick, sordid--

Memo.

To chairman of the board

regarding Saturday night

ratings 8:
00 to 10:00 PM last.

I am proceeding to drop programs

as previously discussed.

GORDON (ON TV):

Smut, smut, smut.

We'll phase out shows

in four weeks and buying

films for prime time viewing.

Films so depraved,

so degrading,

so vile and perverted--

Have additional and regular

sponsors now willing to make.

[beeping]

GORDON (ON TV):
But they're

not only nonsensitive,

but indicative of

a social malaise

of frightening proportion.

Yeah.

That's correct.

GORDON (ON TV):
I call

upon the district attorney

to enforce the obscenity

laws that are--

Look.

I mean to set the

record straight.

Your contract's

not being renewed.

Your show's a loser.

It stinks.

You haven't turned in a decent

production over four years.

We both know that.

Yeah.

Well, just keep me informed

as to your procedures

in phasing out.

Just do it in style.

Right.

Have additional and regular

sponsors now willing

to make swing over to feature

films that I personally select.

Very truly yours, Clifford

Bradley, president, et cetera.

Angel, get this out right away.

Hey, Caroline.

Get this [inaudible]

fire, will you?

Easy on the fever

beaver, you toilet pole.

Oh, take it easy, Miss Thing.

Its seen worse days, I'm sure.

Hey, sweetheart.

Will you put a little

rouge on her nips

so we can shoot this thing?

What?

It's for you, honey.

Yeah?

Who is it?

Uh, Mr Bradley,

Or, like, Cliff?

Give me the phone.

Yeah?

ANGEL:
Mr Boorski on 4-2.

Sh*t.

Yeah.

Yeah, this is Boorski.

Who?

Now, come on.

Speak up, buddy.

I can't hear you.

Go on?

Well, listen.

I'm real glad to hear

you like a little nookie

now and then, buddy.

But I don't see what the hell

that's got to do with you

tying up my time on the phone.

Now, look.

I'm a busy man, so you

just cut out the bullshit

and tell me what you wanna say.

Yeah, that-- that

sounds terrific.

Yeah.

It-- hey, will you get

that light off her c*nt

before it goes up in flames?

Now, listen, shithook,

you're interrupting

my train of thought.

Now, I'm a no sh*t,

serious son of a b*tch,

and I'm right in the

middle of lighting me a--

Do you know who this

is you're talking to?

You're who?

You're kidding me.

Sh*t.

You ain't kidding me.

I mean, you aren't, sir.

Get your f***ing

knee back up there.

Oh no, sir.

No, sir.

I sure didn't mean you.

No.

Yes, sir.

Captain, you got my

undivided attention.

What?

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

I'll be there.

Oh.Yes, sir.

Yes, sir, of course.

We'll both be there.

Fine.

See you tomorrow.

Bye.

Won't that frost your behind.

Well, ladies and

gentleman, tonight I

have another sick

film to report on,

and I shall not

flinch from my duty.

I speak of the film "Two Balls,"

which opened today at the Pearl

Theater in Hollywood.

I cannot recall one shot

of the entire film that

did not contain a male or female

genital exposed for all to see.

That miserable,

machinating eunuch.

How does a man become like that?

How does a real man

with any kind of pride

sell his whole country

down the river like that?

The whole US of

A is losing its--

if you'll pardon the

expression, my dear-- balls.

And this little half man

rotter, this traitorous, disease

spreading, cold ass cancer.

He's part of it, the

conspiracy, of course.

They think they're being pretty

smart having one of their boys

working on my station.

They're out to get me.

I know they're out to get me.

And they know that I know

they're out to get me.

They think I'm keeping him on

so as not to let on that I know

anything about the conspiracy.

I mean, they think that

they know that's why

I'm keeping him on salary.

Gee, politics sure makes

strange bed partners.

Of course you're right, Inga.

I don't mind your assistant's

comments, Boorski.

It's refreshing to

find a young girl so

free of the taint ofa

sexuality that's assaulting

our country on all fronts.

You see, she is a girl, Boorski.

We don't have to wonder

what sex she belongs to.

She's a fine, sexy,

All-American girl.

And it's really nice

to have her here.

Right you are, Captain.

I have a plan, the ultimate

plan to save the nation,

the game plan to put the polish

back in the family jewels.

You're gonna be a

hero, a national hero.

And you're gonna

be the first lady.

You, Rex Boorski, king of

the stags, prince of porn.

Give credit where it's

due, I always say.

The genius of the genre.

Think on it, man.

Live, Saturday

night, prime time--

we'll give 'em stag films!

Do you know how high

the ratings go when

the Academy Awards are on TV?

Astronomically high!

And it's nothing but a

bunch of crap consisting

of 90 minutes of boredom

of thankless idiots

thanking each other.

We'll give 'em an award show

that'll stagger the nation.

Wake up, America.

Here we come.

We'll show 'em scenes

from the films.

This show's gotta have class.

I need someone to MC the

show, someone to give

it credibility, respectability.

And I'll need special sponsors.

Let's see.

Who am I gonna get?

Hey, Dad.

I forgot to tell you the troop

is putting that new librarian

on the smut list.

You mean the college girl?

The one with the--

She's got a fat chest.

You know, she wears

really short skirts?

Wiggles a lot.

Gordon Junior!

Sorry, Dad.

Sorry if I offended you, Mom.

It's all, Gordon Junior.

What's the troop going to

do with the new librarian

now that's she's on your

smut list and everything?

Well, it's real simple.

The troops comes down to the

library, about 450 of us,

and we run her out of town

on her fat, wiggly ass!

[doorbell rings]

Good gracious.

It's almost 9:
30.

Who could be coming

at this hour?

--Well, hello, sonny.

We're here to see your daddy.

It's all right, Mrs G. Mr

Clifford Bradley, he sent us.

Mr Bradley sent you?

That's what I said, Mr Gordon.

Name's Boorski, Rex Boorski.

This here little bombshell,

this here's Inga.

We're both of us connected with

Stag Film Quarterly Review.

That's a kind of periodical

that's devoted to the new ideas

and concepts within the

artistic trends relevant in stag

movie tradition.

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