Virginia

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Keep those cameras away.

How you feelin', sweetie pie?

Well, my head isn't so hot anymore.

Willie...

I swear to God,

they told me you were a dead man.

I'm right here, honey.

Can we get outta here, Dick?

Please?

You look real nice, Dick.

Let's play a game

while we wait, huh?

Do you know where Em is?

Let's say the game is...

...you can go any place, anytime,

as long as you say it out loud to me.

I don't need

to be playin' that game anymore.

Go ahead.

Sh*t!

Go ahead.

Tell me what went wrong.

All I'll say is...

it wasn't just me.

Everybody I know in town wants out,

but they can't.

Lord knows,

me and Emmett've been tryin'

to move outta here.

Just not like this.

I think I might've f***ed it up, Willie.

I mean, Virginia Beach town is fine

three months out of the year.

But September to May,

it starts getting' cold.

The snow comes.

Anybody with their head

screwed on right

moves the hell outta here

the first chance they get.

And if you ask me,

things started gettin' real bad

about a year ago.

Back when that TV-show came to town.

All their cameras,

microphones, whatever.

Sheriff, can you give us your take

on what happened here tonight?

I believe we need to make examples out

of each and every one of these criminals.

Where's the groceries?

I forgot our list.

On a state level, as well.

That's why I'm running for a seat

on this great state's Senate in November.

- Well, good luck to you, Sheriff.

- Thank you.

So what we have here tonight

is a classic example...

Got it all figured out?

All taken care of.

Yes.

Yeah, I see them lookin' at me.

I know it.

I hear you loud and clear.

How 'bout I take these with me, then,

and I'll wash you and you and you later?

Okay.

- All right, so we did this.

- Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

Our Heavenly Father,

thank you for guiding my words and actions

with the TV folks tonight.

Forgiving me this time with Virginia.

And, most of all, for keeping us safe

from worldly harm.

In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Amen.

So...

If you do a good job in this life,

then you get a planet of your own

when you die, right?

Yes.

Just like our Heavenly Father did

before he made us.

Right. And he had wives...

...in heaven?

So... will I be there with you?

Of course, we'll all be there, together.

And who's the boss?

- You?

- You bet.

Well, then, do you have to use

the same colours for things on this planet,

or do you get to pick your own?

I bet we get to make

some choices of our own.

Then we should make people

more colourful.

Like have blue ones,

and red.

And there are colours

we ain't even thought of.

That could be your job.

He keeps on his special,

prayed-on Mormon underwear

when we do it,

'cause Mormon underwear

have special powers

to protect folks

from bullets and demons...

...and probably for him,

to keep women who sleep

with married Mormon men

quiet and not pregnant.

It's been goin' on

ever since she was 16,

when he gave her a ride

back to her foster home

after she tried burnin' down her school,

not long before she had me.

My birth certificate's all blank

in the "Father" spot.

So when I was three,

she told me my dad was this NASCAR driver

that had come through town.

You see, you let your kid

go tellin' everybody

that his daddy

just won the Daytona 500.

And after about 20 fights,

I only had one friend left.

And he's a haemophiliac,

professional babysitter.

Come here. Let me look.

Easy. Easy now.

I think it stopped.

Yeah, you sure about that?

And the only girl

that'd give either of us the time of day

was a girl named Jessie.

I think you're gonna live.

You know, she has her dad's lips,

which on him don't quite fit.

But, on her,

make the most beautiful mouth

I'll ever see.

But we weren't allowed

anywhere near each other.

Genetics is one

of our most powerful sciences.

And then,

sophomore year Bio 1 started.

Got everything goin'

in a different direction real quick.

And it can tell you

with absolute certainty

who you are and are not related to.

We'll start with dangling

versus attached earlobes.

What do you want?

Nothing.

Who pissed in your Sugar Puffs?

I'll tell you what, Willie,

nobody pissed in my Sugar Puffs.

My mornin' just sucked balls.

- Here you go.

- Thank you.

But don't take more than it says,

or I can't keep giving it to you.

Sure thing.

So? Am I gonna have a baby?

No.

What's in your lungs is growing,

and I think maybe that's why

you've missed your period.

Maybe we should just do a backup test.

I gotta pee again anyway.

Well, we could do that again

in a month or so,

but what needs to happen right now,

is that you need to meet with a new doctor.

Why?

Um, if what is in your lungs is bad,

then you are gonna need

to be somewhere for a while.

- In a hospital?

- Right.

So if you could just fill out

this paperwork for me,

y'know, out there in the waiting room,

then bring it on back, that'd be terrific.

You think you could do that

for me, Virginia? Sure thing.

Excuse me.

You work here?

No. My mom does.

Oh.

I'm Max. I own this, uh,

this pier your mom works at.

Oh...

Um, I was just gettin' a copy of my ear

for... for a school assignment.

I see.

I can pay you for those.

Oh, don't worry.

Thanks.

Oh, you're, uh... you're not looking

for a summer job, are you?

I, uh... I got one or two opportunities

still available.

Of course, the top news

is that our governor,

and now presumptive

presidential nominee,

has announced

his newest campaign tour dates,

including a stop right here on Labour Day.

His dinner will be a barbecue

at the home of our very own

Sheriff Richard Tipton,

who is knee-deep in his own run

for State Legislature.

Do you like this one?

That should be fine.

Look at this.

Do you think she looks pretty in yellow?

Yes. She's beautiful in that one.

Hey, Dad, you got some mail.

You see, I was born

with dangling earlobes.

And according to my biology teacher,

unless you went to public school

in South Carolina,

you'd know my mom's ears

and the sheriff's ears

never could've made mine.

So using genetics,

for the first time

since I was eight years old

I knew for certain

who my father wasn't.

Do you believe in God?

Or are you an atheist, sinning scientist?

I don't know.

Well, it's either one or the other, Em.

I got your letter.

Meet me, 1:
00 p.m.

Do you think we come from apes?

Do you?

Some people say we do,

but you can't count so much

on science anymore, you know.

Who do you think your dad is?

Could be anybody.

Anybody with hanging earlobes.

When I got your letter...

...I prayed about it.

You can't do that.

Why? There's no reason why not now.

I want a temple wedding first.

You have to be a priesthood holder

in good standing in my church

to give me that.

And you just don't have it in you.

Jessie...

you really think God's still listenin'

to your daddy's prayers?

Seems like there was

always something.

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