W. Page #11

My man, Balloon Foot,

came through in the end, didn't he?

- even one teaspoonful

of this deadly material.

You know, he's been a nudge

from the beginning...

...but this is gonna seal the deal.

It's the best speech he's ever given.

Can you believe that, Vice?

Comrade Pooty-Poot, with all

the problems he's got in Chechnya...

...he's got the balls

to feel bad for me.

It's all because

of that damn Kraut, Schrder.

Used me as a piata

to get re-elected.

I won't forget that.

Well, at least we got

Italy, Australia...

...the Czechs, Spain,

Poland, South Korea...

...and, you know, the Brits.

- Romania, Slovenia, Bulgaria.

- Yeah.

Japan is sending observers.

And let's not forget

the 90 Mongolian troops.

I hear they're damn fine

wrestlers too.

We got more than 40 countries

in this coalition, right?

Yeah, 49, sir, but most of them

do not have militaries.

Some are sending equipment.

- Morocco is sending monkeys.

- Monkeys?

Monkeys that are trained to locate

and set off minefields, yeah.

That's a good idea.

- Okay, Tommy's standing by in Qatar.

- Right.

Hey, Tommy.

How you doing over there?

Hot as a goat's a**hole, sir.

What's the latest plan, Tom?

Well, we should have 140,000

in the region any day now.

Seventy eight thousand of them

ground forces.

Another 50,000 are on the way.

We'll have a total force level

of 208,000 on the ground.

That's great.

So you got all you need to go?

Yes, sir.

Now, sir, we have identified

over 24 high-value targets.

But this could result

in civilian deaths.

I'm no target picker, Tommy,

but I'm not Clinton either.

I don't wanna fire no $2 million missile

at a $ 10 empty tent, and hit a camel.

Not gonna happen on my watch, sir.

Be sure not to hit any schools

or hospitals.

Well, I read you on the hospitals.

Any schools we'll hit at night.

All right, what about

projected casualties?

Well, I think now, more in

the neighborhood of several hundred.

No more than a thousand.

Remember, Americans don't like to

see dead boys on their television sets.

Yes, death tends to give war

a depressing image.

We can issue a blackout on

any coverage of soldiers in caskets.

The same thing should apply

to military funerals.

Oh, yeah, that's good, Vice.

Well...

...it's been a long haul,

gentlemen, ladies.

I don't care what happens now...

...how many damn votes we do

or don't get in the U.N.

Come Monday morning, 10 a. m...

...l'm giving Saddam and his two sons

Indeed.

All right.

Everybody in agreement then?

- Yes, sir.

- Yes, sir.

All right.

May God bless the troops.

May God bless America.

All right, way to go.

This is like the fall of the Berlin Wall.

I've got goose bumps.

Not one CBW attack. Not one Scud.

No surprises.

Except they're not surrendering.

Thousands are taking off

their uniforms and going home.

Well, good. I'll bet Saddam's running

from palace to palace...

...trying to find his passports.

Don't say I was wrong

on this one, Colin.

We did it, sir. Congratulations.

We sure did, Colin.

- Congratulations.

- Good to see you smiling.

What do you mean we, kemosabe?

Hey, good job.

- Hey.

- Good job, sir. Good job.

I remember you once agreeing...

...that going all the way to Baghdad

would be a mistake.

I think you made

a bigger boo-boo, Colin.

You could've been president.

F*** you.

This is for those who doubted

I won the election.

- Yes, sir.

- And who doubted my judgment.

So dropping a rope around its neck,

that didn't bring it down.

They took an ax to the base of

the statue, that didn't bring it down.

And this is finally what did.

Yeah. We got the son of a b*tch.

How about that?

Maybe he called it right after all.

Well, they got the statue...

...but now they gotta catch the man.

Live from New York City,

this is SpinBall...

... with Jack Hawk and Candice Black.

What did you think of that?

That was spectacular.

Jack, it's really stunning.

I mean, he's landing on a boat

at 150 miles per hour.

I can't think of a Democrat

that would do that.

Exactly. Imagine Kerry.

Kerry would never be able

to pull this off.

This is the guy who threw down

someone else's Vietnam medals.

George Bush, on the other hand,

a man's man.

Women love that. We're buying

into that, and perception is reality.

George Bush looks for real, all right.

He didn't fight in the war,

but he looks like he did.

And women love President Bush

for this very reason.

And women love this war. It's simple.

My fellow Americans...

...major combat operations in Iraq

has ended.

In the battle of Iraq...

...the United States and our allies

have prevailed.

In the images of celebrating Iraqis...

...we have seen the ageless appeal

of human freedom.

Everywhere that freedom steers,

let tyrants fear.

That is the Almighty's gift to every

man and woman in this world.

May God bless you all.

And may God continue

to bless America.

Roadside bombs

killed six U.S. soldiers today...

... in separate attacks

in Fallujah and Baghdad.

To date, 853 American soldiers

have been killed in Iraq.

The bombing continues

a recent pattern of insurgency...

... directed at American troops,

but also the Iraqi civilian population...

... which is divided between Shiite

and Sunni religious affiliations.

The truck bomb killed at least 17...

... and wounded over 100

at the U.N. headquarters in Baghdad.

The blast also killed

U.N. Ambassador Sergio de Mello...

... who appears to have been

the main target.

Back up. Back up.

Former members of the Iraqi army...

... are protesting the dissolution

of the armed forces.

They have guns

but no food to feed their families.

Some have threatened

they will resort to suicide attacks...

... if their grievances

are not addressed.

The Pentagon told me we'd be down

to 25 to 30,000 troops by August.

Is that anywhere near possible now?

Well, I'm afraid, Mr. President, we're

in for a longer haul than we thought.

Then where the hell

are the WMDs at?

Well, we control the country now, sir,

so I'm sure we're gonna find them.

All right, tell me this.

Whose job is it

to find these damn weapons?

Bremer, I mean, you're running

the whole show here, right?

- Well?

- That's not within my purview, sir.

I thought General Franks

was taking the initiative there.

Tom, you're commander

of the whole shebang...

That area was never part

of my command responsibility, sir.

- There was a team assigned by the...

- No, no. Who? Who's in charge?

Well, as per Secretary Rumsfeld's

wishes, sir...

...most normal postop

State Department functions, sir...

...were stripped from us

and given to Defense.

Why wasn't I told?

What's Rummy say about this?

Cambone... I believe that it's

Stephen Cambone's jurisdiction, sir.

Cam... What is that?

Cam who? Cam who?

Well, he's undersecretary of defense

for intelligence, Mr. President.

He reports to Secretary Rumsfeld.

Well, that's great.

I mean, that's just great.

Why the heck didn't anyone

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