Wagon Master Page #2

over the hill like a Kansas twister.

And here they've been ever since.

Now these people, they have,

what I used to call in my sinning days...

...a ''hootchy-kootchy'' show.

Oh, I do declare.

And the question is,

what are we gonna do with them?

Give them a team, I guess.

-And enough water to get to Crystal City.

-Yeah.

WeII, now, Mr. Peachtree here says...

...that the Professor wasn't exactly popular

in CrystaI City.

That's where they just come from.

You mean they was run out.

WeII, they was invited out Iike we was.

Anyhow, they started out for California.

The poor handsome man.

Being driven out like that

with his wife and daughter.

WeII, that ain't exactly the way it is,

Sister Ledeyard.

Miss Denver, she's the young one there,

she ain't his daughter.

And Miss Fleuretty...

...dad-blasted fine figure of a woman

that she is...

-...well, she ain't exactly--

-That settles it.

Give them what they need

and let's get on.

I don't believe these people are up

to traveling alone.

Well, they will be when they're sober.

Well, we reach the California Trail

in two or three days.

Don't think we ought to take up

with their kind of peopIe, eIder.

I'm not leaving them now and that's flat.

-You're hired out to us--

-Hold on there, both of you.

Just calm down.

I ain't so sure but what the Lord didn't put

these folks in our path for a reason.

As I see it, the Lord ain't one

to waste his energy.

Now, he's gone to a lot of trouble

getting these peopIe into this fix.

And if I was him, I wouldn't want anybody

messing up my plans.

-Well, uh, putting it that way--

-All right.

Back to your wagons, folks.

We've wasted enough time.

Blow your horn, Sister Ledeyard.

Wagons west. Wagons west.

Let's get going, Travis.

-The stock aII watered?

-Stock's watered.

How far you reckon it is?

-Next water?

-Mm-hm.

Oh, 40 miles.

Well, the Lord will provide.

I hope so.

Good morning. Good morning, how--?

Good morning. How are you?

By golly, I bet it's gonna be hotter than--

-Mind your language.

-I wasn't cussing!

-You were gonna say ''hell''

-I was gonna say ''Hades''

But ''hell'' ain't cussing. It's geography.

It's the name of a place.

Like, you might say Abilene,

or SaIt Lake City.

Don't you go be making any remarks

about Salt Lake City.

Sandy! Jackson! Dad-blast you!

Cut it out here. Stop it, stop it.

What's the matter with you two?

Ah, stand up. Sandy! Consarned idiots, you!

What's the matter with you?

Ain't you got no--? Sister Ledeyard!

Sister Ledeyard, blow your horn!

Consarned, tarnation, idiot.

Ain't got the sense that God gave a goose.

Go on, get back to your wagons.

Go on, hitch up and get out of here.

Pardon me, ladies.

Excuse me, professor,

but shaving ain't permitted here.

We're kind of low on water.

Young man, in all my years of trouping...

...I have never appeared

in front of my audience unshaven.

-I do not propose to do so now.

-I'm real sorry, sir.

Your apology is accepted.

Get to your wagon.

Hey, you aII right?

You shouldn't have done that, ma'am.

I'm sorry you fell off your horse.

I mean, about taking a wash out here

in the desert.

We need that water for our horses.

I'll tell you what...

...I won't take another bath

till you tell me to.

Looks Iike you got yourself an admirer,

Denver.

That rube.

-Feet hurt, ma'am?

-Nope.

Here, try these on.

Did you get these

from that red-headed gal?

-You mean Miss Prudence?

Mm-hm.

Yes, ma'am.

-Is she your wife?

-No, ma'am.

-How they feel?

-Hmm.

Fine.

A little large for me maybe, but fine.

Thanks very much...

...and thank your lady friend.

She ain't that either, ma'am.

Water! Water!

River yonder!

River yonder!

-Better pull them up, elder.

Hold your horses!

Hold your horses, men!

Hold your horses!

Hold them horses!

Why, you dad-blasted idiots!

Hold them horses! Hold!

Hold them horses!

Thank you kindly, brother.

-You're welcome.

Hurry up, fellas.

Have I your permission

to take a bath now?

-Why, yes, ma'am. I reckon you--

-Thank you.

Hey, ma'am. I think I'll join you.

Fine.

Well, let's see now.

Say, Adam, if you fellows will play

that ''Chuckawalla Swing'' ...

...I think I can get

a Texas Star square going.

Sure. Let's give her a whirl. How'd it go?

WouIdn't you ladies like to join us

in the dancing?

I haven't danced in....

-When was it, Gus?

-I wouldn't remember.

WeII, it's about time you did, ma'am.

May I have the pleasure, ma'am?

Why not?

May I have the pleasure, ma'am?

Evening.

Me and the boys seen your fire,

scared at first you might be Navajo.

Then I heard your mountain music.

I said to Floyd here:

''Wherever there's singing and dancing,

you can be sure there's Christian folks.''

Never did know a bad man

that had any music in him.

Thought maybe you might help out

some strangers down on their luck.

Maybe stake us for a feed.

You're welcome to share

what little we have.

That's neighborly, mister.

ReaI neighborly.

Did you hear that, boys?

These good God-fearing foIks

is bidding us weIcome.

Brother Boulton,

help Brother Jackson with their stock.

We has been out hunting.

We've had nothing but hard scrabble.

Our pack horses stampeded

with all our grub...

...and I fell and bust my shoulder.

Sister Ledeyard, fix these men some food.

Thank you, Floyd. Thank you, Jesse.

Shoulder's been hurting bad.

Can't hardly sit on my horse no more.

-You know who they are, don't you?

-Yep. I reckon I do.

We've been having a dance

ceIebrating the crossing of the desert...

...and getting to the water,

so we were just gonna turn in.

When you folks finish eating,

if you'll just stack your plates up there...

-...why, we'll be seeing you.

-Bless you, brother.

Don't you worry about us. We'll just sit here

and enjoy your fire for a spell.

Uncle Shiloh.

They're the only ones toting guns.

You boys ever draw on anybody?

No, sir.

Just snakes.

Turn my eggs over, sister...

...and put some hot sauce

and chili peppers on them, please.

What's them words on your wagon say?

Read them for yourself.

I don't read so good. Tell me.

It says:

''Dr. A. Locksley Hall...

...Kickapoo snake oiI,''

and ''lightning elixir.''

And in the smaller letters:

''Teeth pulled,'' and ''hair restored.''

Uncle Shiloh.

Look here what I found.

A doctor.

A doctor.

Well, now that's real providential.

Be obliged if you'd take a look

at my shoulder, doc.

Well, I'm not certain, sir.

Said you was a doctor.

A doctor, yes. But I--

I'm not exactly qualified.

-Are you lying?

-I hate liars.

My boys would just soon shoot a liar

as look at him.

If you're a doc, you'll fix my shoulder.

If you're lying....

That's a bullet hole.

You've been wounded.

Yeah, that's right.

That chunk of Iead is still in there.

Get it out.

Yes, sir. It's reaI providential.

They got grub, water...

...and a doc to tend my arm.

And a golden bed for me to rest up in.

Supposing that marshal

catches up with us...

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