Waltz of the Toreadors

- Welcome to England, madam.

- Mademoiselle Ste-Euverte.

- I trust the crossing was smooth?

- Perfectly, thank you.

Quiet, quiet!

The house mascot, madam.

This way, if you please.

I'm glad you had a smooth crossing.

I think madam will like the room.

It's the best we have.

- Mademoiselle.

- I beg your pardon?

I am Mademoiselle.

This is it.

The room will do very well, thank you.

Put it down.

Madam would like some breakfast?

Coffee perhaps?

Oh, no, nothing. Nothing at all.

Come in.

- You are from the castle?

- Yes.

- You have the letters?

- I have them here, madam.

- Mademoiselle. Give them to me.

- They were very hard to get, Mademoiselle.

- The wear and tear on my nerves...

- Oh, yes, yes, please.

And I had to sit up, night after night, waiting.

I quite understand.

Thank you, Mademoiselle.

11th Dragoons, General salutes.

He's retiring, you know.

Retiring?

So soon?

They're giving him something -

one of those big flags or an old sword.

I'd better get back.

Carry on, Major.

Quiet, please.

Quiet, please. Quiet.

Three cheers for the General.

Leo!

Leo...

Leo!

Sir Eglamore, that valiant knight

Fa la lanky down dilly,

he took up his sword

And he went to fight,

fa la lanky down dilly

And as he rode o'er hill and dale

All armoured in a shirt of mail

Fa la la

La la la lanky down dilly

There leaped a dragon right out of her den

Fa la lanky down dilly

That had slain I know not how many men

Fa la lanky down dilly

But when she spied Sir Eglamore,

oh, that you had

But heard her roar...

- Take that to my quarters.

- Yes, sir.

Come on, come on!

lf I were your age, Robert,

those little virgins down there,

they wouldn't last out the summer.

- Do you think I lack character, sir?

- You want to get after it, boy.

As your legal guardian,

I'm entitled to tell you about these things.

- If only you would, sir.

- On the other hand, what happens?

I'm not too sure, sir.

You take one of these little virgins

under the apple tree,

you wake up ten minutes later,

what have you got? Hm? Eh? I'll tell you.

- You're married to her and keeping her mother.

- But I'm too young for marriage, sir.

In no time at all, you'll be too old.

You'll be like me, you see.

You'll be sitting at your desk,

dictating your memoirs.

They're coming!

- Oh, I want that.

- Let me have a look!

- And, Robert?

- Sir?

You get the urge sometimes, I hope.

Yes, I do, sir.

Good. Life without the urge is unthinkable.

Now, then, get on with your work, all of you.

What is this, a kitchen or a dosshouse?

Really, cook!

I feel as sprightly as a two-year-old,

almost like a widower.

Good morning. We'll work later, my boy.

I must get this damn corset off.

- Ooh!

- Very good, sir.

- Agnes, has the new girl arrived yet?

- Not yet, sir.

Well, let me know when she does, will you?

- Melanie?

- It's Rosemary, sir.

Of course it is. I never forget a pretty little face.

- Yes, madam?

-You took your time.

Has he come back yet?

- I'm not certain, madam.

- Well, find out. Find out at once.

Yes, madam.

Later, my child. Later.

Later.

Hello?

Well, answer me, somebody, answer me!

Agnes, has he come in?

What do you mean, you're not sure?

Well, go and look for him.

I know he's around somewhere.

Leo?

I saw you, Leo.

I know you're there.

Yes, er, I am here, my love.

Yes, yes.

- What are you doing?

- Oh, er, just changing.

Yes, you're thinking. I can hear you.

- What are you thinking about?

- Oh, I am thinking about you, my love.

Hmm. Liar.

You're thinking about women.

Damn and blast it!

There! I've caught you out.

You're swearing because I've caught you out.

Don't be ridiculous.

I'm swearing at my corsets, my love.

I'm only ill because of you.

Come now, my love.

I'm ill because I know what you're doing.

I am merely unfastening my corset, madam.

You're thinking about women as you do it.

I know.

What drab have you got in there now?

Oh!

- Oh!

- You're sighing. What's going on?

Oh, nothing. Nothing's going on.

Inside your head, though.

What's going on in there?

My head, madam, is out of bounds.

It's the only place I've got left

where I can have a bit of peace.

I'll get into it one day.

You'll find me there,

- when you least expect it.

- As you wish, madam. As you wish.

Meanwhile, I shall take the doctor's advice

- and close the door on you.

- Leo I forbid it.

Leo!

Damn you, madam!

Damn you, damn you!

- He's coming. Papa!

- Papa!

- Yes, what is it?

- What shall we do about dresses for the ball?

- Do nothing about them.

- How can you say that, Papa?

- New dresses give young girlies ideas.

- But we've nothing to wear.

Then wear nothing. It's much more jolly.

Robert, have you got those notes in there?

- We need new dresses, Papa.

- We've grown, Papa.

You never stop growing. Have I grown?

People grow till they're 25.

- Not if they've got any tact, they don't.

BOTH:
But, Papa!

Oh, very well.

Robert will take you down to Mrs Bulstrode's

dress shop later on and then you can er...

- Have you decided which one of us to marry?

- One or the other, Robert.

Will you kindly go away?

You are not allowed in here.

What did I say to you just now?

Robert will take us

down to Mrs Bulstrode's dress shop later.

Oh, my God, they're ugly. Aren't they ugly?

How can you enjoy a pretty face

and bring that into the world?

Your daughters have certain qualities, sir.

Yes, I know, my boy,

but they're the wrong ones, unfortunately.

Sit down, Robert. Sit down.

Now, where were we?

Relations between

the Sultan and the government, sir.

Oh, yes, yes.

Yes, that was the day

they made off with two of our missionaries.

Yes. You see, they got hold of these two fellas,

had a bit of fun with them,

sent them back dead as mutton,

minus...one or two of their spare parts.

Of course it was an insult to the flag.

I should say it was, sir.

Yes, it certainly was.

We had to mount an expedition.

But, oh, my boy, Robert,

what a campaign that was! What a campaign!

We got our money's worth

for those two angel-makers.

The heathens we ran through.

Good clean steel, you see, my boy,

and none of your bloody nonsense.

Slaughtered the lot of them left, right and centre.

Yes.

Yes. Then there was the women.

- Oh, yes, sir?

-Yes.

Those native girls.

Little things, crouching naked - little minxes

with the devil in their eyes,

limbs like silk, and the figures, my lad.

You, your sword still steaming in your hand.

You've killed. You're the master.

She knows it, you know it.

There in the hot, dark tent.

The two of you

alone.

The hot, dark tent?

Hm? What?

Er, what...what happened then, sir?

Well, damn it all, Robert, we're not savages.

We er...turned them over

to the Sisters of Mercy at Rabat.

Blast. There's that Grogan

ruining the memoirs again.

Ah, I see you're doing

your scientific research again, Dr Grogan.

- Yes.

- What's the matter with her this time?

Well, there's a little leak in the top radiator.

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