wandavision

Season #1 Episode #1

---

BIG RED:

"THE PILOT"

Written by

Jac Schaeffer

*STYLE OF THE EPISODE*

The 1950s

Multicam

Black & White

BLUE REVISIONS:
11/01/19

REHEARSAL V2:
10/30/19

REHEARSAL:
10/29/19

PRODUCTION WHITE: 09/24/19

Marvel Studios

All rights reserved. Copyright © 2019 MARVEL. No portion of this

script may be performed, published, reproduced, sold or

distributed by any means, or quoted or published in any medium,

including any website, without the prior written consent of Marvel

Studios, Inc. Disposal of this script copy does alter any of the

restrictions set forth above.

1 MAIN TITLES 1

‘Just Married’ is written in script across the bumper of a

classic convertible. Tin cans rattle cheerily below.

THEME SONG:

OH, AFTER THE MOMENT THEY SAID “I

DO” FRESH FROM THE NEWLYWED KISS

THE VISION is at the wheel, his blushing bride WANDA MAXIMOFF

beside him. They pass a ‘WELCOME TO WESTVIEW’ billboard.

THEME SONG:

THEY MOVED TO THE ‘BURBS

TO EMBRACE DOMESTIC BLISS!

As they drive through town, THE PEOPLE OF WESTVIEW stop and

wave:
a BARBER SHOP OWNER, a MOTHER pushing a baby carriage.

THEME SONG:

WANDAVISION!

Wanda and Vision pull up outside a picture-perfect HOUSE at

the end of a cul-de-sac.

THEME SONG:

CAN A MAGICAL WIFE

LEAD A TYPICAL LIFE

Wanda thrums her fingers in the air to TELEKINETICALLY switch

the “FOR SALE” sign to “SOLD!”

THEME SONG:

WITH A HUSBAND WHO’S PART MACHINE?

Vision scoops up Wanda to carry her over the threshold but he

forgets to open the door and PHASES right through-- leaving

Wanda to land in a heap on the welcome mat!

THEME SONG:

HOW WILL THIS DUO

FIT IN AND PULL THROUGH? OH,

Vision sticks his head back out the door, panicked. Are you

alright, dear? Yes, Wanda’s fine.

THEME SONG:

BY SHARING A LOVE

LIKE YOU’VE NEVER SEEN!

Let’s try this again: Vision carries Wanda through their open

front door. He almost trips on an ottoman, but then PHASES

his legs right through. He sets Wanda down--

They dance, he dips her, and then a kiss...

THEME SONG:

WANDAVISION!

END MAIN TITLES:

ACT ONE:

FADE IN:

2 INT. WANDA AND VISION'S HOUSE/KITCHEN - MORNING 2

WANDA IN THE KITCHEN, HAIR BOBBED AND SKIRT FULL. SHE WEARS

AN APRON FOR HOUSEWORK AS SHE WASHES, DRIES, AND STACKS

DISHES... ALL WITHOUT TOUCHING A SINGLE ONE. SHE LEANS

AGAINST THE COUNTER, HER FINGERS DOING THE WORK AT A

DISTANCE. VISION ENTERS. HE APPEARS AS HIS SYNTHEZOID SELF,

DRESSED IN A SUIT AND CARRYING HIS BRIEFCASE.

VISION:

My wife and her flying saucers.

AS HE CROSSES TO HER, A DINNER PLATE SMASHES

INTO HIS HEAD:

AND SHATTERS INTO A MILLION PIECES. HE HAS NO REACTION.

WANDA:

My husband and his indestructible

head.

THE AUDIENCE LAUGHS.

VISION:

Aren’t we a fine pair.

WITH HER SIGNATURE ‘MAGIC’ GESTURE, WANDA CONJURES THE PLATE

BACK TOGETHER. THEN SHE WRAPS HER ARMS AROUND VISION’S NECK.

WANDA:

What do you say to silver dollar

pancakes, crispy hash browns,

bacon, eggs, freshly squeezed

orange juice and black coffee?

VISION:

I say... I don’t eat food.

WANDA:

(IN ON THE JOKE) That explains the

empty refrigerator.

2.

3.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER. THIS IS A COUPLE VERY MUCH IN LOVE. VISION

SPOTS SOMETHING OVER WANDA’S SHOULDER.

VISION:

Wanda.

WANDA:

Hmmm?

VISION:

Is there something special about

today?

WANDA:

I know the apron is a bit much,

darling, but I’m doing my best to

blend in.

THE AUDIENCE LAUGHS. VISION POINTS TO A WALL CALENDAR.

VISION:

There on the calendar-- someone’s

drawn a little heart right over

today’s date.

WANDA LOOKS AT THE HEART. SHE OBVIOUSLY CAN’T REMEMBER ITS

SIGNIFICANCE EITHER, SO SHE COVERS.

WANDA:

Oh yes, the heart... Don’t tell me

you’ve forgotten, Vis.

VISION:

Wanda, I am incapable of

forgetfulness. I remember

everything. That is not an

exaggeration. In fact, I’m

incapable of exaggeration.

3.

4.

WANDA:

Well then, tell me what’s so

important about today’s date.

VISION:

(BEAT) What was the question?

THE AUDIENCE LAUGHS. NOW THEY’RE BOTH COVERING.

VISION (CONT'D)

Perhaps you’ve forgotten yourself.

WANDA:

Me? Heavens no. I’ve been so

looking forward to it!

VISION:

As have I!

NOW A GAME OF FILL-IN-THE-BLANK.

VISION:

(FISHING) Today you and I are

celebrating...

WANDA:

You bet we are! It’s the first

time we... (HE GIVES HER NOTHING)

have ever celebrated this occasion

before!

VISION:

It’s a special day!

WANDA:

Perhaps an evening?

VISION:

Of great significance--

4.

5.

WANDA:

To us both!

VISION:

Naturally.

WANDA:

Obviously!

VISION:

Exactly. Well done.

VISION, UNCERTAIN, STANDS AND PUTS ON HIS HAT.

VISION:

Off to work with me then.

WANDA:

Don’t forget--

VISION:

(DEFENSIVE) I haven’t!

BUT WANDA IS TALKING ABOUT HIS SYNTHEZOID APPEARANCE. SHE

GESTURES TO HIS FACE. AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.

VISION:

Ah.

SHEEPISH, VISION TRANSFORMS INTO HIS HUMAN SELF. HE GRABS HIS

BRIEFCASE AND EXITS THROUGH THE BACKDOOR.

WANDA RETURNS TO THE CALENDAR, CONTEMPLATING THE HEART. WHAT

COULD IT MEAN? THEN THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE FRONT DOOR.

4 INT. WANDA AND VISION'S HOUSE/LIVING ROOM - SAME 4

WANDA CROSSES THROUGH THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ANSWERS THE DOOR

TO FIND HER BRASSY NEIGHBOR, AGNES, STANDING THERE WITH A

POTTED PLANT.

5.

6.

AGNES:

Hello, my dear! I’m Agnes, your

neighbor to the right! My right,

not yours. Forgive me for not

stopping by sooner to welcome you

to the block, my mother-in-law was

in town... so I wasn’t.

AGNES HANDS WANDA THE PLANT AND BREEZES PAST HER INTO THE

HOUSE. WANDA DOESN’T QUITE KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF THIS WOMAN.

AGNES:

So! What’s your name? Where’re you

from? Most importantly, how’s your

bridge game, hon?

WANDA:

I... I’m Wanda.

AGNES:

Wanda. Charmed. (LOOKING AROUND)

Golly, you settled in fast. Did you

use a moving company?

WANDA:

I sure did. Those boxes don’t move

themselves!

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.

AGNES:

What’s a single gal like you doing

rattling around this big house?

WANDA:

Oh no, I’m not single.

AGNES:

Well, I don’t see a ring.

WANDA INSTINCTIVELY HIDES HER HAND.

6.

7.

WANDA:

I assure you, I’m married. To a

man. A human one. And tall. As a

matter of fact, he’ll be home later

tonight for a special occasion,

just the two of us.

AGNES:

Really? Somebody’s birthday?

WANDA:

I don’t think so...

AGNES:

Today isn’t a holiday, is it?

WANDA:

No, not a holiday...

AGNES:

An anniversary then?

WANDA:

(REALIZING) Yes! That must be it.

Our anniversary!

AGNES:

Oh, that’s just marvelous! How many

years?

WANDA:

(NOT SURE) It feels like we’ve

always been together.

AGNES:

Lucky gal. The only way Ralph would

remember our anniversary is if

there was a beer named ‘June 2nd.’

7.

8.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.

AGNES:

So what do you have planned?

WANDA:

How do you mean?

AGNES:

For your special night! A young

thing like you doesn’t have to do

much, but it’s still fun to set the

scene. Say, I was just reading a

crackerjack magazine article called

“How to Treat Your Husband to Keep

Your Husband.” Let me tell you--

what Ralph could really use is “How

to Goose Your Wife so You Don’t

Lose Your Wife!”

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.

AGNES:

Hang on, I’ll go grab it and we can

start planning! This is going to be

a gas!

AGNES RUSHES OUT. ON WANDA: THIS COULD BE FUN.

5 INT. VISION’S OFFICE - DAY 5

VISION (HUMAN FORM) AT HIS DESK IN A SMAll BULLPEN. HE STANDS

AND CROSSES TO DELIVER A STACK OF FILES TO HIS CO-WORKER

NORM. “YAKETY YAK” PLAYS ON A RADIO ON NORM’S DESK.

VISION:

Here are those computational forms

you requested, Norm.

NORM:

Gee willikers, that was fast!

(GESTURES TO THE RADIO) The music

isn’t bothering you, is it, pal?

VISION:

In terms of distraction from work

or the largely non-sensical nature

of the lyrics?

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.

NORM:

The first one.

VISION:

Oh. Not at all. Thank you, Norm.

VISIONS STARTS TO GO, BUT THEN TURNS BACK TO NORM.

NORM:

Something else I can help you with,

buddy?

VISION:

Yes, as a matter of fact... Norm,

would you be so good as to tell me

what it is we do here exactly? Do

we make something?

NORM:

No.

VISION:

Do we buy or sell anything?

NORM:

No and no.

9.

10.

VISION:

Then what is the purpose of this

company?

NORM:

All I know is, since you arrived,

productivity has gone up 300%.

VISION:

Yes, but what are we producing?

NORM:

(THINKING) Computational forms!

Nobody computes the data like you

do, pal. You’re a walking computer!

VISION:

(MORTIFIED) What?! No. I am most

certainly not that. I’m just a

regular carbon-based employee made

entirely of organic matter. Just

like you, Norm!

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.

NORM:

What’s got your feathers ruffled?

VISION:

Forgive me, I’m a tad on edge. It

appears there’s something special

about today -- special to Wanda,

that’s my wife -- and I can’t for

the life of me recall what it is.

VISION’S GRUFF BOSS APPEARS FROM HIS OFFICE, SAYING GOODBYE

TO A CLIENT. VISION AND NORM SNAP TO. NORM QUICKLY SWITCHES

OFF THE MUSIC.

MR. HART

Vision. The wife and I are looking

forward to this evening.

10.

11.

THE AUDIENCE “OOOOOOH’S!” IN UNDERSTANDING.

VISION (CONT'D)

(FIGURING IT OUT) Yes of course!

Dinner this evening with Mr. Hart

and his dear lady wife, Mrs. Hart.

MR. HART

That’s what I said. What’s wrong

with you, son? You got a screw

loose?

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.

VISION:

No, sir. All screws tightened, sir.

MR. HART

I should hope so. Employee dinners

are a rite of passage for new

hires. Jones here failed miserably,

isn’t that right?

JONES PASSES BY WITH ALL HIS OFFICE BELONGINGS IN A BOX.

JONES:

The wife thought five courses would

be sufficient.

MR. HART

Then there was that paltry excuse

for entertainment.

JONES:

A string quartet.

MR. HART

And your embarrassing display of

Beatnik enthusiasm.

11.

12.

JONES:

I wore a turtleneck.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.

MR. HART

Best of luck on the unemployment

line there, Jones!

JONES HEFTS HIS BOX AND EXITS. VISION FEELS THE PRESSURE.

MR. HART

I owe my success to my keen judge

of character. No skeletons in your

closet, eh Vision?

VISION:

I don’t have a skeleton, sir.

MR. HART

Glad to hear it. Your future at

this company depends on it.

MR. HART EXITS. VISION IMMEDIATELY PICKS UP THE TELEPHONE.

6 INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME 6

WANDA AND AGNES SIT ON THE SOFA, WITH AGNES READING FROM A

MAGAZINE AND WANDA MAKING A CHECKLIST.

AGNES:

And you don’t have a song? Nothing

special you played at your wedding?

WANDA:

No. Nothing special.

AGNES:

I’ll just loan you some records

then. So we’ve got music covered,

decor, wardrobe... what about

seduction techniques?

12.

13.

WANDA:

I have those... I think.

AGNES:

Of course you do!

WANDA:

Out of curiosity, what does it say?

AGNES:

That you should stumble when you

walk into a room. So he can catch

you. It’s romantic!

WANDA:

(DOUBTFUL) Any other tricks?

AGNES:

You could point out that the death

rate of single men is twice that of

married men.

WANDA:

Now that’s romantic!

WANDA AND AGNES LAUGH. THE PHONE RINGS. WANDA ANSWERS.

WANDA:

Vision residence?

VISION:

Wanda, darling?

WANDA:

Vision, sweetheart!

WANDA SIGNALS HAPPILY TO AGNES. THROUGH THE FOLLOWING SCENE

INTERCUT BETWEEN LIVING ROOM AND VISION’S OFFICE.

VISION:

About tonight--

13.

13A.

WANDA:

Don’t worry honey, I have

everything under control!

13A.

14.

VISION:

What a relief. I must confess: I’m

really rather nervous.

WANDA:

Nervous? Whatever for?

VISION:

You know, I still get tongue-tied.

WANDA:

(TOUCHED) After all this time? Oh,

Vis!

VISION:

There’s an awful lot riding on

this, Wanda. If it doesn’t go just

so, this could be the end!

WANDA:

(ALARMED) It’s just one night.

There’s no need to get dramatic.

VISION:

I think the best course of action

is to impress the wife.

WANDA:

(FLIRTY) And I think the best

course of action is to impress the

husband!

WANDA WINKS AT AGNES WHO GIVES HER A THUMBS UP.

VISION:

Wonderful. Glad to know you and I

are on the same page. Until tonight

then, darling.

14.

15.

WANDA:

Until tonight!

DISSOLVE TO:

15.

16.

*COMMERCIAL BREAK*

7 INT. COMMERCIAL KITCHEN - DAY 7

BUNRT TOAST pops out of a smoking TOASTER. The ‘wah-wah’

music tells us that this appliance is a real lemon.

An ANNOUNCER steps into frame.

ANNOUNCER:

Is your husband tired of you

burning his toast?

He gestures to an aerodynamic TOASTER on a rotating platform.

ANNOUNCER:

Try our new and improved Toast Mate

2000! It’s the go-to for clever

housewives.

A PRETTY HOUSEWIFE appears to stand next to the appliance.

HOUSEWIFE:

Say, this machine has some shine!

ANNOUNCER:

You said it! Set that dial and get

the taste back into your toast.

The Housewife slips two pieces of white bread into the

toaster. She presses down the lever and the toaster begins to

TICK away over a gallery of STILLS.

ANNOUNCER:

Top and bottom heating elements can

handle anything from meatloaf to

cherry pie to open-faced cheese

sandwiches.

TICK, TICK, TICK... The countdown is becoming more

insistent... and sounding less like a toaster...

ANNOUNCER:

The All New Toast Mate 2000. It’s

ready when you’re ready.

A sleek GRAPHIC appears over the image of the Housewife and

her perfect toast. Her smile is frozen.

GRAPHIC:
By Stark Industries

TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK... (a breathless beat) DING!

16.

17.

ACT TWO:

8 INT. WANDA AND VISION'S HOUSE/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 8

THE LIGHTS ARE DIMMED, SCARVES COVER LAMPS, CANDLES ABOUND.

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS. WANDA HAS REALLY SET THE MOOD. VISION

ENTERS WITH MR. & MRS. HART.

VISION:

Here we are...

MRS. HART

How very atmospheric!

MR. HART

What’s going on here, Vision? You

blow a fuse?

VISION:

Pardon me while I just go fetch the

lady of the house.

VISION EXITS TOWARD THE KITCHEN, LEAVING THE HARTS IN THE

FOYER. WANDA ENTERS FROM THE BEDROOM HALLWAY, WEARING A 1950s

NIGHTGOWN AND SILK ROBE. THE AUDIENCE GIGGLES IN ANTICIPATION

AS SHE SLINKS UP BEHIND MR. HART AND COVERS HIS EYES.

WANDA:

Guess who!

JUST THEN VISION RETURNS FROM THE KITCHEN AND FLIPS ON THE

LIGHTS. WANDA IS AGHAST TO FIND HER ARMS AROUND VISION’S

BOSS. THE AUDIENCE LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY.

VISION:

Wanda!

WANDA:

Vision?

MR. HART

What is the meaning of this?!

AFTER A MOMENT OF RECOVERY, VISION CROSSES SWIFTLY TO WANDA.

17.

18.

VISION:

What is the meaning...

(IMPROVISING) You mean the

traditional Sokovian greeting of

hospitality?

VISION COVERS WANDA’S EYES. WANDA IS QUICK TO PLAY ALONG.

VISION:

Guess who!

WANDA:

Oh, is that the host behind me?

VISION:

(TURNING AROUND) It sure is!

WANDA:

Lovely to make your acquaintance!

THEY SHAKE HANDS HEARTILY, STILL PANICKED. AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.

MR. HART SEEMS DUBIOUS, BUT HIS WIFE IS DELIGHTED.

VISION:

Didn’t I tell you my wife is from

Europe?

MRS. HART

How exotic!

MR. Heart

How exotic!

MR. HART

We don’t break bread with

Bolsheviks.

MRS. HART

Oh hush now, Arthur! Have you no

culture at all? And that dress...

VISION:

Is... soooooooo Sokovian.

18.

(MORE)

19.

WANDA:

Uh, could I see you in the kitchen

for a moment, sweetheart?

WANDA AND VISION HUSTLE TOWARD THE KITCHEN, BLOWING OUT

CANDLES AND REMOVING SCARVES AS THEY GO.

9 INT. KITCHEN - SAME 9

WANDA AND VISION PUSH THROUGH THE SWINGING DOOR. THEY HAVE A

HUSHED AND FRANTIC CONVERSATION.

WANDA:

Who are those people?!

VISION:

What are you wearing?!

WANDA:

Why are they here?

VISION:

What are you wearing?!

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.

WANDA:

It’s our anniversary!

VISION:

Anniversary of what?

WANDA:

(CROSSING ARMS) Well if you don’t

know, I’m not going to tell you.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.

VISION:

That man out there is my employer,

Mr. Hart and his wife, Mrs. Hart.

(MORE)

19.

VISION (CONT'D)

20.

The heart on the calendar - it was

an abbreviation.

WANDA:

You move at the speed of sound and

I can make a pen float through the

air - who needs to abbreviate?!

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER. VISION REACHES FOR WANDA.

VISION:

Darling, this big romantic to-do -

the candles, the music, that stunning

outfit - please don’t think I am

unappreciative. But right now--

WANDA:

Your boss and his wife are

expecting a home cooked meal.

VISION NODS, CONCERNED.

WANDA:

Any chance they’d settle for a

single chocolate-covered strawberry

split three ways?

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER. VISION REGRETFULLY SHAKES HIS HEAD.

WANDA:

I might have another idea...

WANDA SNAPS HER FINGERS AND IN A PUFF OF SMOKE SHE’S NOW

WEARING A PERFECTLY TASTEFUL COCKTAIL DRESS.

10 INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER 10

MR. HART IS TELLING A STORY TO VISION. MRS. HART IS BORED.

VISION (CONT'D)

20.

21.

MR. HART

And then I said, what if we orient

the forms horizontally instead of

vertically? We would use twice the

paper, and bill twice the cost.

VISION:

You are a pioneer, truly. And the

larger purpose of the forms is...?

MR. HART

To analyze our input and output.

You’re awfully dense, aren’t you

Vision?

THE AUDIENCE LAUGHS.

11 INT. KITCHEN - SAME 11

MEANWHILE IN THE KITCHEN, WANDA IS HURRYING AGNES IN THROUGH

THE BACK DOOR. SHE’S BROUGHT HEAPS OF FOOD.

WANDA:

Agnes, you’re a life saver!

AGNES:

What kind of housewife would I be

if I didn’t have a gourmet meal for

four just lying about the place?

Not that Ralph ever wants to eat

anything other than baked beans.

That explains a lot about his

personal appeal, mind you.

AGNES DROPS A TRAY WHICH CAUSES A LOUD “BANG.”

AGNES:

Oh my!

21.

22.

12 INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME 12

ON THE SOUND, MRS. HART STANDS AND MOVES TOWARD THE KITCHEN.

MRS. HART

Do you think Wanda needs help in

the kitchen? We haven’t any tidbits

or tartlettes out here. Nary a pig

in a blanket!

VISION JUMPS UP AND STEPS IN MRS. HART’S WAY.

VISION:

(LOUDLY) That’s so kind of you,

Mrs. Hart, but I’m certain she’s

perfectly fine in there!

13 INT. KITCHEN - SAME 13

WANDA HEARS THIS AND KNOWS SHE HAS TO GET MOVING.

WANDA:

Thank you, Agnes, I think I’ve got

it covered from here--

AGNES:

Are you sure, dear? Many hands make

light work. And many mouths make

good gossip!

WANDA:

Oh you’re naughty!

AGNES:

Shall I just pre-heat the oven?

WANDA:

That won’t be necessary--

THROUGH THE FOLLOWING, WANDA IS PUSHING HER OUT:

22.

23.

AGNES:

Alright well, I know you’re in a

pinch so this menu can be done in a

snap:
Lobster Thermidor and minimincemeat turnovers to start,

Chicken a la King with twice-cooked

new potatoes for your second

course, and Steak Diane with mint

jelly as your main. Do you set your

own jellies, dear?

WANDA:

...Yes?

AGNES:

Good girl. Recipe cards are on the

counter there. Bon appetit!

FINALLY AGNES IS OUT THE DOOR. WANDA LOOKS AT THE FOOD. SHE

RAISES HER HANDS AND SETS EVERYTHING INTO MOTION--

14 INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME 14

VISION AND THE HARTS HEAR A GREAT COMMOTION FROM THE KITCHEN.

MRS. HART

You men stay put. I sense a

domestic emergency!

VISION:

(URGENT) Mrs. Hart, if you please--

IT’S TOO LATE-- MRS. HART REACHES THE PASS-THROUGH WINDOW AND

OPENS THE BLINDS. BUT BEFORE SHE CAN SEE WHAT’S HAPPENING IN

THE KITCHEN, VISION - OUT OF DESPERATION - BEGINS TO SING!

VISION:

Take out the papers and the trash!

Or you don’t get no spending cash!

23.

24.

THE HARTS ARE SHOCKED. SO IS VISION. HE IS AS WOODEN AS YOU’D

IMAGINE. BUT HE SUCCEEDS IN STEALING THE HARTS’ ATTENTION

AWAY FROM WHAT’S HAPPENING JUST BEHIND THEM IN THE KITCHEN.

WITH THE BLINDS OPEN, WE SEE THAT WANDA HAD SET BOWLS TO

MIXING AND KNIVES TO CHOPPING, ALL OF THEIR OWN ACCORD. SHE

STANDS FROZEN IN THE CENTER OF THE STORM, LIKE A DEER IN

HEADLIGHTS. VISION MAKES PAINED EYE CONTACT WITH HER.

VISION:

If you don’t scrub that kitchen

floor / You ain’t gonna rock n’

roll no more...

WANDA SLOWLY CREEPS FORWARD AND CLOSES THE BLINDS.

VISION:

Yakety Yak! (LOW VOICE) Don’t talk

back.

VISION FINISHES HIS SONG. THE HARTS ARE SILENT.

VISION:

(WEAKLY) Shall we have a sing-song

all together then?

15 INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER 15

WANDA IS SCRAMBLING TO GET THE MEAL READY AND IT’S NOT GOING

WELL. SHE USES A LOW-FI RED FIREBALL FROM HER HANDS TO COOK

THE CHICKEN BUT OVERSHOOTS THE MARK AND BURNS IT TO A CRISP.

WANDA:

Oh no! Too much!

SHE WAVES HER HANDS TO REVERSE THE DAMAGE AND IN A PUFF OF

SMOKE SHE NOW HAS A BASKET OF EGGS ON HER COUNTER.

WANDA:

Oh no! Not enough!

CUT TO:

24.

24A.

INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME

VISION PLAYS THE UKULELE WITH MRS. HART SITTING BESIDE HIM.

SHE’S HAVING A BALL.

VISION:

SHE'LL BE COMING AROUND THE

MOUNTAIN WHEN SHE COMES

VISION LEANS INTO MRS. HART WHO HAPPILY TAKES THE NEXT VERSE.

MRS. HART

SHE'LL BE COMING AROUND THE

MOUNTAIN WHEN SHE COMES

VISION:

SHE'LL BE COMING AROUND THE

MOUNTAIN:

VISION LEANS INTO MR. HART. SILENCE.

VISION:

SHE'LL BE COMING AROUND THE

MOUNTAIN WHEN SHE COMES!

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN

POTS BUBBLE OVER AND MIXING BOWLS SPILL. WANDA REACHES FOR

THE STACK OF RECIPE CARDS AND FLIPS THROUGH THEM.

24A.

25.

WANDA:

(FRAZZLED) What do I do next? What

was the main course again? Steak,

steak, steak...?

BACK TO:

16 INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME 16

RIGHT WHEN THEIR SONG ENDS--

WANDA (O.S.)

DIANE!

THE HARTS LOOK TO VISION, CONFUSED. HE STANDS.

VISION:

Ah yes. That would be the missus

summoning me.

MR. HART

She calls you Diane?

VISION:

A little nickname she has for me.

(CALLING OUT) Coming, Fred! (TO THE

HARTS) If you’ll excuse me...

AS VISION GOES THROUGH THE SWINGING DOOR WE GET A GLIMPSE OF

WANDA LEVITATING THE LOBSTERS INTO THEIR POT. WHEN SHE SEES

THAT SHE’S EXPOSED, SHE SENDS THE LOBSTERS FLYING OUT THE

WINDOW AND THEN PUTS HER HANDS ON HER HIPS, REAL CASUAL-LIKE.

SHE WAVES AT THE HARTS. NOTHING TO SEE HERE!

MRS. HART

What an unusual couple.

17 INT. KITCHEN - SAME 17

VISION AND WANDA IN THE KITCHEN.

VISION:

How can I be of assistance?

25.

26.

WANDA:

The chicken is no longer a chicken

and the lobsters just flew the

coop. The steak is the last man

standing. (READING THE RECIPE) It

says here I could cut down the prep

time with a meat tenderizer.

VISION:

That sounds like an excellent plan -

where is the meat tenderizer?

WANDA:

I’m looking at him.

THE AUDIENCE LAUGHS. SHE HANDS VISION A MALLET.

MRS. HART (O.S.)

Hoo hoo in there!

MRS. HART STARTS TO OPEN THE PASS-THROUGH BLINDS AGAIN BUT

WANDA THINKS FAST AND SLAMS THE BLINDS CLOSED.

WANDA:

Hoo hoo back to you!

VISION LOOKS AT WANDA: “REALLY?” WANDA: “I DON’T KNOW!”

WANDA:

(UNTYING HER APRON) Finish the

meat! Find those lobsters! I’ll be

right back!

18 INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME 18

WANDA RUSHES THROUGH THE SWINGING DOOR TO JOIN THE HARTS.

WANDA:

I hope you’re hungry!

MR. HART

Starved is more like it.

MRS. HART

I’m starting to feel a little

woozy.

A THUMP FROM THE KITCHEN. THE HARTS STARTLE.

WANDA:

Uh, um... were either of you aware

that married men are killing single

men at an alarming rate?

THE AUDIENCE LAUGHS.

MR. HART

What are you going on about?

ANOTHER THUMP FROM THE KITCHEN.

MR. HART

And what’s going on in there?

OUT OF OPTIONS, WANDA STUMBLES DRAMATICALLY, FORCING MR. HART

TO CATCH HER. THE AUDIENCE LAUGHS. THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE

DOOR.

WANDA:

Who could that be?

VISION RUSHES OUT OF THE KITCHEN, ACCIDENTALLY PHASING

THROUGH THE SWINGING DOOR. THE HARTS JUST MISS SEEING THIS.

VISION CROSSES TO THE FRONT DOOR, OBSCURING THE HARTS’ VIEW

AS WANDA ANSWERS IT. IT’S AGNES, HOLDING A PINEAPPLE.

AGNES:

You didn’t answer at the back door.

For the upside down cake!

WANDA GRABS THE PINEAPPLE AND SLAMS THE DOOR ON HER.

MR. HART

Who was that?

27.

27A.

WANDA:

A salesman.

VISION:

A telegram.

VISION:

A man selling telegrams.

27A.

28.

WANDA:

Wouldn’t you know it - good news is

more expensive!

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.

VISION:

(SOTTO TO WANDA) I can’t find the

lobsters! And did you want the meat

tender or pulverized?

WANDA:

Oh dear.

WANDA RUSHES BACK INTO THE KITCHEN.

VISION:

This is going swimmingly. Anyone

for Parcheesi?

MRS. HART

My head is spinning!

MR. HART

Do you hear that? My wife’s head is

spinning and as a rule I don’t like

her head to do that.

19 INT. KITCHEN - SAME 19

WANDA ENTERS AND SURVEYS THE SCENE. SHE LOOKS AT THE BASKET

OF EGGS. SHE PICKS UP A WHISK.

WANDA:

Time to improvise...

20 INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME 20

MR. HART IS WORKING HIMSELF INTO A LATHER.

28.

29.

MR. HART

I’m beginning to think you’re not

management material, Vision, what

with all the chaos in your

household!

WITH MR. HART BUSY WITH HIS TIRADE, WANDA FLIES THE NOW FULL

PLATES - SCRAMBLED EGGS, TOAST, FRUIT SALAD - THROUGH THE

PASS-THROUGH WINDOW INTO THE DINING ROOM. WATER AND WINE

GLASSES FILL, NAPKINS FOLD THEMSELVES. THE TABLE COMES

TOGETHER BEAUTIFULLY.

MR. HART

Now when are we going to eat?!

WANDA:

Dinner is served.

THE HARTS TURN AROUND. WANDA IS STANDING NEXT TO THE NOW

BEAUTIFULLY SET TABLE. HER HANDS CLASPED BEFORE HER, SHE IS

THE PICTURE OF DOMESTIC EXCELLENCE. THE HARTS CAUTIOUSLY TAKE

THEIR SEATS. VISION AND WANDA SMILE AT EACH OTHER, SITTING AT

OPPOSITE ENDS OF THE TABLE.

MR. HART

Breakfast for dinner? How very...

WANDA AND VISION HOLD THEIR COLLECTIVE BREATH.

MRS. HART

(PLEASED) European.

VISION RAISES HIS GLASS.

VISION:

To my lovely and talented wife.

THEY ALL RAISE THEIR GLASSES TO WANDA. SHE RAISES HERS.

WANDA:

To our esteemed guests!

EVERYONE TAKES A SIP. WANDA SHARES A LOOK WITH VISION - THEY

MADE IT THROUGH!

29.

29A.

WANDA:

Please, eat. Before it gets cold.

29A.

30.

MRS. HART

(DIGGING IN) So where did you two

move from? What brought you here?

How long have you been married? And

why don’t you have children yet?

WANDA OPENS HER MOUTH TO RESPOND BUT DISCOVERS THAT SHE CAN’T

FIND THE WORDS. SHE LOOKS TO VISION. HE CHUCKLES.

VISION:

What Wanda means to say is, we

moved from...

WANDA:

Yes, we moved from...

VISION:

And we were married...

WANDA:

Yes, we were married...

WANDA AND VISION REACH FOR ANSWERS BUT FIND NONE.

MR. HART

Well? Moved from where? Married

when?

MRS. HART

Patience, Arthur! They’re setting

up their story. Let them tell it.

WANDA AND VISION SMILE POLITELY BUT THIS IS GETTING AWKWARD.

WANDA:

(VACANT) Our story...

MR. HART

What exactly is your story?!

MRS. HART IS UNSETTLED. SHE WANTS TO MOVE OFF OF THIS TOPIC.

30.

31.

MRS. HART

Leave the poor kids alone!

MR. HART

It’s a simple enough question - why

did you come here?

NO ANSWER FROM WANDA. NO ANSWER FROM VISION. SILENCE. MR.

HART BECOMES LIVID. HE POUNDS THE TABLE WITH HIS FIST.

MR. HART

Dammit! I say, why did you--

IT IS THEN THAT MR. HART STARTS CHOKING.

It feels like yet another joke at first. A set up for more

physical comedy, as before.

MRS. HART

Oh Arthur! Stop it!

But he doesn’t stop. Wanda and Vision watch in horror as Mr.

Hart lurches up out of his chair, clutching his throat, and

falls behind the table. The camera – unsteady for the first

time – has to work to follow the drama unfolding.

Wanda and Vision appear glued to their seats, helpless, as

Mr. Hart struggles for his life.

Mrs. Hart shakes her head, clucking to herself.

MRS. HART

Oh, stop it! Oh, stop it...

She shovels food in her mouth as her husband gasps for air on

the floor beneath her. Her words become maniacal.

MRS. HART

Stop it, stop it, stop it....

She makes eye contact with Wanda. She’s desperate, pleading.

Wanda is terrified. She looks at Vision who is staring down

at Mr. Hart right beneath him. Wanda fights to say the words--

WANDA:

Vision--

Vision looks at his wife.

31.

32.

WANDA:

Help him.

Vision springs into action. He falls to the floor and PHASES

his hand into Mr. Hart’s throat and removes the offending

item:
a STRAWBERRY. At last Mr. Hart breathes again.

THE AUDIENCE CHEERS. VISION HELPS MR. HART GET TO HIS FEET.

VISION:

Steady on there, sir.

MR. AND MRS. HART FOLD RIGHT BACK INTO SITCOM MODE, AS IF

NOTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY HAS HAPPENED. BUT THERE IS AN

EDGE OF FEAR TO THEIR BEHAVIOR.

MR. HART

Would you look at the time!

MRS. HART

Yes, we had better be going!

WANDA:

Are you both alright?

MRS. HART

We had such a lovely time.

MRS. HART COVERS WANDA’S EYES, IN THE TRADITIONAL SOKOVIAN

GREETING.

MRS. HART

This guest is leaving your home!

WANDA:

(PLAYING ALONG) Ah yes, thank you

for coming!

THE AUDIENCE LAUGHS. MR. HART SHAKES VISION’S HAND.

32.

33.

MR. HART

You impressed me tonight, son.

Let’s you and me have a chat first

thing Monday morning. See about

that promotion, eh?

VISION:

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

WANDA OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND WE SEE A LOBSTER ATTACHED TO

IT. THE AUDIENCE HOWLS WITH LAUGHTER. WANDA AND VISION BRACE

FOR THE HARTS’ REACTION...

MRS. HART

What a charming door knocker! Well,

goodnight!

MR. AND MRS. HART EXIT. VISION AND WANDA TURN TO EACH OTHER.

THEY COLLAPSE ON THE SOFA, RELIEVED. THE AUDIENCE LAUGHS.

WANDA:

We are an unusual couple, you know.

VISION:

I don’t believe that was ever in

question.

WANDA:

What I mean is, we don’t have an

anniversary. Or a song. Or even

wedding rings.

VISION:

We can remedy that. Today can be

our anniversary.

WANDA:

Of what? Surviving our first dinner

party?

33.

33A.

VISION:

Precisely. And our song could be

WANDA:

“Yakety Yak,” naturally.

VISION:

(AMUSED) Naturally.

WANDA:

And the rings?

VISION:

Couldn’t you make some for us?

WANDA CONSIDERS THIS. SHE LIFTS A HAND AND WITH GLOWING

FINGERTIPS, SHE CREATES TWO GOLD RINGS, ONE FOR EACH OF THEM.

THE AUDIENCE “OOOOH’S” AND “AHHHH’S.” WANDA AND VISION ADMIRE

THEM TOGETHER. THEN VISION CLICKS THE REMOTE AND THEY ARE

BATHED IN THE SOFT GLOW OF THE TELEVISION.

VISION:

I do. Do you?

WANDA:

Yes. I do.

VISION:

And they lived happily ever after.

THEME MUSIC SWELLS AS WANDA AND VISION KISS. A HEXAGON FRAMES

THEIR FACES. HOLD ON THIS IMAGE AS END CREDITS ROLL.

END OF EPISODE:

34.

35.

Beat.

Slowly, we PULL OUT... the music becomes tinny as we move

through the curved class of a television screen...

21 INT. SURVEILLANCE STATION - UNKNOWN 21

REVEAL that the black and white footage of Wanda and Vision -

credits still rolling over their faces - is playing on a

monitor situated in some kind of console.

This world is IN COLOR and appears to be a PRESENT DAY.

A SYMBOL is visible on the console... a SWORD...

SOMEONE – we can’t see who – is sitting at the console taking

notes. A REMOTE CONTROL at the ready...

SMASH TO BLACK.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes