War Dogs

Please! Please!

I'm sorry, I don't speak Albanian!

Stop! I don't understand!

Do you understand now?

That's a Jericho 941

pointed at my head.

You can get one

on the black market for $300.

Yeah.

It is a very reliable weapon.

My name is David Packouz.

And I'm an international arms dealer.

What do you know about war?

They'll tell you it's about

patriotism, democracy

or some sh*t about the other guy

hating our freedom.

But you want to know

what it's really about?

What do you see?

A kid from Arkansas

doing his patriotic duty

to defend his country?

I see a helmet, fire-retardant gloves,

body armor, and an M16.

I see $17,500.

That's what it costs to outfit

one American soldier.

Over two million soldiers

fought in Iraq and Afghanistan.

It cost the American taxpayer

$4. 5 billion each year

just to pay the air conditioning bills

for those wars.

And that's what war is really about.

War is an economy.

Anybody who tells you otherwise

is either in on it or stupid.

But I didn't know that yet.

Back then, I didn't know anything.

You can't park here.

Uh...

Hey, man. I just got

a client at 2150, Mr. Shore.

I'm a few minutes early.

Yeah? It's a gated community.

You still can't park here.

You probably shouldn't

smoke that here, either.

Okay. Thanks.

There's a lot I could say

about this period in my life

that would give context to this story.

I could tell you how

I dropped out of college

after one semester.

- How's that left quad doing?

- It's still sore.

Had a falling out with my parents.

How I either quit or got fired

from six different jobs.

- That's it.

- All right. There we go.

But looking back

I think the most important

thing to understand is

I was completely lost.

Sorry. It fell.

That's okay, Gary.

I was 22 years old

massaging rich dudes in Miami Beach

for 75 bucks an hour.

But I'd had enough.

It was time to change sh*t up.

And I had a big idea.

My plan was to sell

quality bed sheets wholesale

to all the retirement homes

in South Florida.

And there were hundreds of them.

- It feels really soft.

- It should.

It's Egyptian cotton, 400 thread count.

I mean, it's pretty much top of the line

for institutional use.

I don't know. It seems excessive.

Well, at $29 per unit,

it's far from excessive.

David, do you know the average age

of a resident here at Hilldale?

Um, no, I don't.

- Eighty-two years old.

- Wow.

Have you ever seen the skin

on an 82-year-old man?

Have you ever felt it?

Yeah. Actually,

I'm a certified massage therapist

and a lot of my clients are elderly.

Then you should know.

These sheets,

it would be like wrapping

a lizard in cashmere.

Would you do that?

Would you wrap a lizard in cashmere?

I guess not.

Then why would you expect me to?

My nephew.

He's good, right?

I'd sunk my entire life savings

into 65 cases of premium bed sheets

but I overlooked one crucial factor.

No one really cares about old people.

Why don't you just sell them back?

It doesn't work like that.

I bought them in bulk.

I'm so f***ed.

You're not f***ed.

Pete's f***ed.

He's dead.

Holy sh*t. Is that Efraim?

Yeah.

I thought he was still in LA.

Me too.

- He was a great friend.

- Thank you.

He looks so tan.

Efraim Diveroli

was my best friend growing up.

But I hadn't seen him

since he was shipped off

to live with his uncle in 10th grade.

I think our parents wanted to keep us

as far apart as possible.

There is no table of contents

in the Book of Life.

We don't know if we're at the beginning

of a new chapter, or the end of a story.

Which is why we must be grateful

every time the page turns.

Did you come back just for this?

F*** no! I barely knew Pete.

I was hoping to see you here.

You know your mom

wouldn't give me your number?

What, did you call my house?

No, I was f***ing her.

She still hates me, huh?

Yeah, most likely.

I missed you, bro.

Yeah, me too.

Let's go for a ride.

Uh...

I can't. I got a client at 4:00.

F*** that sh*t. Cancel it.

Your boy's back in town.

Come on!

So, what happened with LA, man?

Why did you move back?

Oh, you know I was working

for my uncle, right?

Yeah, I heard that you were, like,

a gun dealer or something.

Pretty much. I mean,

we'd buy seized weapons at police auctions

and resell them on the Internet.

Cool.

It was cool until my uncle

scumbagged me over 70 grand.

Holy sh*t. Seventy grand?

Whatever. F*** him.

I made a bunch of money.

I decided I'd come back to Miami,

start up my own shop.

Cool.

Yo, where's this guy live?

It's, like, five more minutes.

You got somewhere you gotta be?

No.

All right. So, I can't figure out

which is worse.

The fact that you sell

bed sheets to old age homes

or that you jerk guys off for money.

For the record,

I'm a licensed massage therapist, okay?

Totally legit.

Okay. But at the end,

the guys have to come, right?

Like, on your chest or whatever?

You know what? F*** you.

F*** you, buddy.

Bro, do you remember the last time

we went to buy weed together?

Of course I do. It was f***ing traumatic.

Yeah, but do you remember the next day,

when we walked into school

and everybody knew that we got arrested?

Yeah, we were gangsters, bro.

We thought we ran South Beach.

We did run yeshiva.

We didn't take sh*t from anyone.

Yeah, I miss that.

You miss yeshiva?

No, I miss

not taking sh*t from anyone.

Yo!

He out. You looking for weed?

Depends. You got good sh*t?

Put it this way. I sell him his sh*t.

What's up with this nigga, man?

Cool. Can you do an ounce?

Yeah, no sweat. Three bills.

Three hundred. I like it.

You get the better price

when you come direct to the distributor.

I guess so.

All right.

Yeah, so, she opened the door.

And I'm like, "Yo. Chill.

I ain't about that drama."

You know what I mean?

"I know you got

another nigga in the crib."

What's up?

What?

Can I get the sh*t?

What sh*t?

I just gave you $300 for some weed.

Any of you niggas ever

seen this motherf***er before?

I ain't seen sh*t.

Man, get the f*** out of here.

- All right. All right, okay.

- Yeah, yeah.

This white bo wild.

Parachute pants.

Looking like Jay Leno and sh*t.

Look like he going to church.

Yo, yo, hold up, hold up, man.

- What the f***.

- Sh*t!

Come on! Where's everybody going?

I thought we were gonna hang out.

What a bunch of a**holes.

What the f*** was that? Are you crazy?

It's cool, bro.

I have a Class 3 Firearms license.

- Huh?

- Come on, get in.

I know another dealer nearby.

It's weird. We were the same age,

but I always looked up to Efraim.

When life kicked me, I stayed down.

But not Efraim. He kicked back.

Mr. President, we want to thank you

for visiting us here today.

We are honored to be serving our country,

and proud to welcome you,

our wartime Commander in Chief...

- Hey.

- Hey, sweetie.

How was the funeral?

It was amazing.

Oh, my God. You're so stoned, aren't you?

Huh? What?

You just described a funeral as "amazing."

What? No. The funeral was really sad.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote