War Machine

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1

Ah, America.

You beacon of composure

and proportionate response.

You bringer of calm

and goodness to the world.

What do you do

when the war you're fighting

just can't possibly be won

in any meaningful sense?

Well, obviously,

you sack the guy not winning it,

and you bring in some other guy.

In 2009, that war was Afghanistan.

And that other guy...

was Glen.

You boys ready?

Let's go win this thing.

Okay.

So this is what I learned

about four-star General Glen McMahon.

He was born to a military family

at Fort Leavenworth.

Graduated West Point in 1976.

Ranger school in '79.

He had a graduate degree in political

affairs and military history from Yale.

He was both a straight-A student

and a troublemaker.

He once famously attempted

to stick a lit cherry bomb

up his sleeping drill sergeant's ass.

He was loved by the men and women

who served under him.

Three, two, one, let's go.

Never afraid

to get his hands dirty.

Yeah, it's flash time.

Never willing to send his troops

anywhere he wouldn't go himself.

He was known variously as the Lion King,

the G-Man, Big Glen

and, most commonly, the Glenimal.

He was like a throwback to another era.

His hand was bent into a permanent claw,

like it was still clutching

a World War II cigar

his modern, fitness-fanatic self

wouldn't allow him to smoke.

After a successful stint

running the secretive special operations

killing machine in Iraq,

Glen was appointed leader of US

and coalition forces in Afghanistan.

A war which, as he saw it,

wasn't being won

'cause it wasn't being led.

General.

We're all very excited to have you here.

It's an honor to meet you.

I'm excited to be here.

Ain't that right, Greg?

Yes, indeed, sir. You're very excited.

Somehow, while he was in Iraq,

Glen found time

to author a book on leadership,

entitled One Leg at a Time,

Just Like Everybody Else.

In it, he wrote,

"Men are imperfect creatures.

Left to their own devices,

all they really want to do is play

with their d*cks and eat chicken. "

For all his many achievements

leading special operations in Iraq,

I think most of us here

will know General McMahon

as the man who took out al-Zarwaqi,

who kicked al-Qaeda in the sack.

You're welcome.

We have a warrior at the helm,

and it's a pleasure to have you, sir.

Glen was known as a humble man.

But humble in that way that says,

"My humility makes me better than you. "

He was famous for his Spartan regime

of routine and discipline.

He ate one meal a day.

He slept four hours per night.

He ran seven miles every morning.

In Iraq, he transformed special operations

with what he called

systemic negation

of repetitive procedural practice.

Or, to the acronym-obsessed military,

SNORPP.

We got Italy in there.

That's the Dutch.

We got Poland, Macedonia, Ukraine.

We got Australia over there,

Croatia, Belgium-

Okay, that'll do. Bite-size chunks, hmm?

Let's knock this on the head.

All right.

Basically, he was a master

of systems organization.

Which he'd kind of need to be,

if he was to corral

this 43-nation coalition of the willing.

- May I help you?

- No, finish your phone call.

The war can wait.

What can I do for you, General?

I want to pull everyone

out of their offices.

I want to open this place up.

I came in here

to speak with you about that.

I have only ten men

to lead here in Afghanistan, huh.

So it make no sense for me

to be sit out there with everybody else.

I get it. All right?

But everybody has a reason

not to be out there with everybody else.

Austria only has two guys here.

Iceland has seven guys.

This country won't fight at night.

That country won't fight in the snow.

This country

wants to do counter-narcotics.

That country won't do counter-narcotics.

But if we're in the same room...

Cory Staggart

was Glen's executive officer.

Ran the general's affairs.

He was a Ranger.

Although how he made it through

Ranger school, I have no idea.

That's great. Thank you, guys.

That's all the time we got.

Let's go. Come on.

Greg Pulver.

General Greg Pulver graduated West Point

in the same class as Glen.

Oh, that's interesting.

Does he have security clearance?

And hadn't left his side since.

Then f***ing let him in

just like you would any other f***ing

person with a f***ing security clearance!

His official title

was director of intelligence,

but all I saw was a guy

with anger management issues

whose life had no meaning without Glen.

Andy Moon was Glen's tech whiz,

providing the general

with all forms of IT support.

Andy.

- Yes, sir?

- Which Glen needed often.

- How are you?

- Pretty good, sir. How are you doing?

Uh, swell. Can you come with me a moment?

- My electric razor is...

- Oh, yes, sir.

...yeah, broken.

Pete Duckman was a Navy SEAL.

Like Pulver, his job title

had the word "intelligence" in it.

- What's going on?

- Boss is visiting with President Karzai.

Cool. Why so fancy?

He's a world leader.

Cool. Am I coming?

Yes, you are. It's your job.

God damn it, Pete. Why are you fat?

- I'm not fat.

- I still, to this day,

don't know exactly what it was

that Duckman did for the general.

It's a mixture

of cross-pollinational collation...

Admiral Simon Ball

was Glen's public affairs officer.

- Cooperational, uh, cooperative...

- For three and a half years,

he'd been trying to explain

SNORPP to the Washington press gallery.

...with a centralized command

centralization structure,

and, um... things like that.

Matt Little

was Glen's new civilian PR consultant.

Oh, I don't know. Is this a good hand?

- He was a DC marketing hotshot...

- Straight flush. Hello?

...and sometime lobbyist who had thought

the war in Afghanistan

to be entirely pointless.

Are you f***ing kidding me?

I'm not going there.

Until he was offered

a lot of money to sell it.

How much?

And Willy Dunne.

- Right this way, boss. Yeah.

- Willy was Glen's body man.

Put your things in here.

I'll let you spread them out how you like.

Why is this my room?

This was General Whelan's room.

It's got, uh, a great bathroom here.

Willy laundered Glen's clothes.

He did Glen's ironing.

Yeah. Uh, boss?

He polished Glen's shoes.

He always seemed

like he was about to collapse

from the weight

of one too many of Glen's bags.

- Willy!

- Yes, boss?

- Put my stuff in this room.

- Okay.

Here to fight a goddamn war,

not watch goddamn television.

Willy was the first person

that Glen saw every morning

and the last person he saw every night.

Glen loved these men...

and they loved him right back.

I don't know

how it looks to you, Cory,

but it seems to me, everybody's forgotten

we're fighting a war here.

We got the goddamn Pizza Kings

and Burger Huts.

The entire base

is rolling with Eurosexuals

who are so drunk they can't even stand up.

General McMahon here

to see Ambassador MacKinnon.

- Glen.

- Pat.

Great to see you.

You know Dick Waddle, of course.

- Dick.

- Glen.

Ray Canucci.

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