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Wedding Crashers
- I don't have custody of the kids.
- Yeah.
- You know what?
- I don't get custody.
It is an insane pathetic joke,
what I've had to go through.
Right now, right now she doesn't know
where the kids are, do you?
- Do not talk about me as a mother.
- Are they at home?
I'm so sick to death of you talking about
me as a mother
- and what I've done wrong!
- They at your sister's? Where...
they're probably at a firehouse
somewhere. She'd just drop 'em off
- with a fireman, you know?
- Do not talk about that!
I am sick of you accusing me
of not being a good mother!
- Are they at home? Are they at home?
- Seven years I've been a good mother!
A perfect mother?
I can't have custody.
Just remember when we went out.
Just remember how you...
Right now. Where is Tim
right f***ing now?
Don't you talk about me
being a mother. I hate you!
Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't you just kiss my left nut?
- I told you this was a bad idea.
- You know what, Ken?
A bad idea would be to let your client
walk outta here today and drag
this thing out for another year, wasting
more time and wasting more money.
The only good idea is to let
me and John do our job
- and mediate this thing right here.
- You wanna hear the crazy thing?
I know it doesn't feel like it,
but we're making progress.
- Mm-hmm.
- We settled the deal with the cars.
Let's see, that takes us
to frequent flyer miles. We're flying!
- Those are mine.
- I want them.
You know what we're gonna do? We're
gonna split 'em right down the middle.
- How'd that be, Mr. Kroger?
- It would be no-not good at all!
- Yeah, you earned them flying
- to Denver to meet your whore.
- Oh, Lord.
Well, she's not afraid
- if that's what you mean.
- She's a stripper, for God's sake!
- She is not!
- Her name is Chastity!
She is white trash!
Same as you.
Hillbilly!
That's it,
go comatose for me, baby.
You shut your mouth when
you're talkin' to me!
Hold it. This is getting confusing.
You didn't always hate each other.
There had to be some nice moments,
during the courtship, maybe?
- Or the wedding?
- The wedding had to be fun!
- You have your families together.
- You have your decorations.
Families coming together.
That's a nice moment.
- What'd you have to eat?
- Crab cakes.
- Are you kidding me? Crab c...
how could you not have a good time
- eating crab cakes? I love 'em.
- Crab cakes, I love crab cakes.
- They're phenomenal.
- And did you have a band?
- Did you have a band? Good or bad?
- Yeah.
Who gives a sh*t? It's a great band,
it's a bad band, it's like pizza, baby.
- It's good no matter what.
- That's true. You got them...
- There's music in the air!
...playing "Shout" and you hate it.
- Yeah. Oh-oh-oh-oh-hey
- Oh-oh-oh-oh, hey
- Shout now, jump up and shout now.
It's a good time,
do you know what I mean?
- Yeah.
- Rubbin' up against each other,
just a couple of kids who like to f***,
trying to make it honest. I get it.
Guys, the real enemy here is
the institution of marriage.
It's not realistic, it's crazy!
Hey, don't do this
for the other person.
It's about saying yes to yourself
- and saying yes to your future.
- Say yes.
And have some opportunities for
yourself. I'm sure you'd love
to be free, maybe go out and meet
some Latin guy that can dance,
grind up on you, make you
feel dangerous but also safe.
And how about you? Don't you want
to get inside Chastity
without having to wonder
if everyone's gonna find out?
- God, wouldn't that be sweet?
- Wouldn't that be nice?
And have some Latin guy
sweating all over you,
talking to you in languages
you don't understand,
- needing you, wanting you, taking you?
- All we're trying to say is,
put your swords away
for a second.
Let's finish this
and let's move on.
Get out there and get
some strange ass.
Could you give her a glass
of water so she can take that?
Hey, John, that's weird.
That glass looks half full to me.
Wow, now that you mention it,
it is half full.
He can have the miles.
Nah, sweetie,
you take the miles.
Great. Great! Let's sign
the paperwork and we are done!
This is just semantics. If you guys
want to throw a couple miles at us,
we'll take a couple. The big this is,
is that we're all movin' on.
Could you two just not talk anymore?
Oh, good, you got it.
Is it 100% goose down?
- Yes. Why do you need this?
- Are you sure?
I sleep over at John's house
every year for his birthday.
Okay, that's not creepy.
when a young man who happens
to be an only child
loses both of his parents
in a tragic accident
and then has
a best friend make a vow
that he will never spend
Maybe that would fall under
the category of creepy.
Oh my God.
I'm so sorry.
- That's okay.
- No, you're really sweet.
I've got the perfect girl for you.
Janice, I apologize to you
if I don't seem real eager
to jump into a forced,
awkward intimate situation
that people like to call dating.
I don't like the feeling.
You're sitting there, you're wondering,
"Do I have food on my face?
Am I eating? Am I talking too much? Are
they talking enough? Am I interested?
I'm not really interested.
Should I play like I'm interested?
But I'm not that interested,
but I think she might be interested.
But do I want to be interested?
But now she's not interested."
So now, all of sudden I'm...
I'm starting to get interested.
And when am I supposed to kiss her?
Do I have to wait for the door?
'Cause then it's awkward,
it's like "Well, good night."
Do you do like the ass-out hug? Where
you like... you hug each other like this,
and the ass sticks out because
you're trying not to get too close.
Or do you go right in and just kiss 'em
on the lips or don't kiss 'em at all?
It's very difficult trying to read
the situation and all the while
you're just really wondering, "Are we
gonna get hopped enough to make
some bad decisions?" And perhaps play
a little game called "Just the Tip."
Just for a second,
just to see how it feels,
- or "Ouch Ouch, You're on My Hair."
- Okay.
Okay, can... can you... can you
put that so he... he can't see it?
And thank you.
Hey, Janice. Great talk.
- John?
- Yeah?
it's important.
What's going on?
We've got three really
It's wedding season, kid!
You sandbagging
son of a b*tch!
I got us down
for 17 of them already.
Okay, now, how many
of 'em are cash bars?
Great question, love where your head's
at, and two of 'em actually are.
But... I got us covered.
Purple hearts. We won't have
to pay for a drink all night.
Oh yeah, perfect.
We are gonna have tons and tons
of opportunities to meet gorgeous ladies
that are so aroused
by the thought of marriage,
that they'll throw their
inhibitions to the wind.
And who's gonna be there
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"Wedding Crashers" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 31 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/wedding_crashers_23183>.
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