Weekend

(Door opens)

(Bicycle freewheel clicking)

(Water splashing)

(Phone buzzing)

(Dog barking)

(Music on earphones)

Hiya! You're always f***ing

late, you, aren't you?

- Sorry.

- Oh, it's good to see you.

And you.

- Come in.

- You look really good.

(Giggles) Get in!

- Is Jamie through there?

Yeah, they're in the living

room, they're all in there.

- Cathy, your oven's not working.

- Don't worry about it, it'll be all right.

(Men shouting) - All right?

All right?

- How you doing?

- Yeah, good.

- I made a bet you'd be on time tonight.

- Sorry.

- Hiya!

- Hiya.

I had a late shift at work.

- Well, you're here now. Beer?

- Yeah, cheers.

And something to

get you started.

- All right, Russ?

- All right, Johnny. How you doing?

This is Damien.

All right, mate?

- Get that down you, warm your cockles.

- Cheers.

- There you go.

- Thanks, buddy.

(Jamie laughs)

- Here we are! (Chatter)

There's no poppadoms,

I'm sorry, we're out.

What have we got?

Here, Jamie, Jamie, Jamie!

Have you got a plate, Johnny?

Hold on.

- We haven't got enough plates.

- We haven't got enough plates.

- This is doing my head in.

- Take these off me.

(Chatter)

- Get lost.

(Woman) It's all right, we'll share.

- Cath, have you got another plate?

- Another plate? Have we not got enough?

No.

You need one, as well. Get two.

(Woman) You can eat from the

packet, you'll be fine.

(Cathy) I'll just have a small one.

- I'll have any one.

Actually, you should have the

small one cos you were late.

(Johnny) All right, this stag do,

right, I'm thinking, a few...

couple of beers, go out, you

know, sambucas, all that...

- strip club.

- Definitely.

No, you're not

having a stripper.

- No, no, no, you're not invited.

- You're not having a stripper!

You've got to have a stripper.

It's traditional, isn't it?

- It is traditional.

- Tradition.

(Helen) It's not

traditional, it's foul.

I'm not going to have a stripper.

I don't see why you should.

It's not foul. Get a classy one.

It's just natural - get a classy one!

(Cathy) Russ, you wouldn't

like a stripper, would you?

- I don't know, I don't...

- Yeah, he's all right with a stripper,

in't you, eh?

Right? So...

(Jamie) Russ starts a little fire, nice

and cosy in the middle of the field,

and before you know it these

fifth years come along

and they're just adding

wood and adding wood,

there's a big line of people just adding wood.

The fire is f***ing massive.

- The flames are higher than this house.

(Laughter)

Look, I'm not joking!

- And then we are... And then...

- It's true.

...any minute, we're

surrounded by police,

the whole perimeter

of the entire field

with those million-power

candle torches things.

(Laughter)

- And an Astra burns on, full beam,

and we all scarper, you're f***ing

left there stoned out your mind!

(Laughter)

You are coming on

Sunday, aren't you?

You're joking?

I don't think I can handle

it without you being there.

I can't wait, mate.

I've got Lois the

sweetest little present.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

That's nice. Well, of course you have -

that's why we made you the godfather.

- It's nice to see you, mate.

- Yeah.

You've been keeping a

low profile recently.

- Mmm.

- Anything to tell?

Er...

Yeah, there's...

there's a promotion at work.

- Ah, promotion.

- Been doing a few extra shifts.

Come on, let me in, let me in,

let me in, let me in, let me in!

- All right?

- All right, mate?

Here, give us that.

Eh? What do you reckon?

You look lovely.

(Laughs) You look lovely!

- No, you look nice.

(Jamie laughs)

- I look like, er...

(Jamie) Kavana!

- Kavana!

- QC?

- You're always such a muppet!

(Johnny) Give us the thing. Where is it?

(Women laughing in the background)

(Johnny) Got a lighter?

(Jamie) Yeah.

I've gotta go, I'm knackered.

Oh, I'm having a really good

night, let's keep it going.

Jamie, I've got to work in the

morning, and I'm a bit stoned,

- but I'll see you on Sunday.

- Yeah, all right, yeah.

It'll be fun. All right?

- Give my love to the little one.

- Yeah, OK, mate.

- All right, mate, see ya.

- Bye, mate.

(Girls chattering and whooping)

(Muffled music)

(Music pounding)

(Slow pop song playing)

- Morning. (Russell) All right?

- How you feeling?

- Pretty rough.

Gonna give me the coffee?

(Chuckles)

Thank you!

Ooh! Sh*t.

It's all right, don't

worry about it.

What time do you start work?

Er, 10 o'clock.

- Got a bit of time, then.

- Mmm.

Get back into bed.

- You were pretty wasted last night.

(Both chuckle)

- Sorry.

- Don't have to apologise.

Was I a dick?

I had to save you

from the Hobbit.

Don't be nasty.

He was all right.

- Bit camp. (Chuckles)

Nice smile though.

Is that what you go

for, a nice smile?

No.

Just little people.

What?

- Have I got morning breath?

- No, quite the contrary.

- Have you brushed your teeth?

- No.

- I can smell toothpaste.

- So?

Now you've broken an unwritten rule,

because now you smell all minty fresh

- and I smell of cock and bum!

(Laughs)

So, did you like the club?

- Did you like the club?

(Laughs)

Not really, no!

I hated it.

Right, you ready, then?

For what?

You can't get out of it

now, you promised me,

- and I've come for my pound of flesh.

- I thought you were joking.

Course not. Do you think I would

have slept with you otherwise?

- Well, I'm not doing it.

- Oh, yeah, you are!

What kind of stuff is

it you want me to say?

Er, anything you like.

Just talk about last night,

you know, what happened,

what you wanted to happen.

It's up to you, really.

- Why?

- Just because.

- It's for an art project?

- Yeah.

And you're just gonna lie

there and record me speaking.

Exactly.

And people are going

to listen to it.

If you make the grade, yeah.

Oh, come on. Erm...

I... I don't know.

I can hardly remember anything.

Just start from the beginning

when you first saw me.

- I don't know, I just saw you.

- Oh, come on, stop stalling. Just talk.

All right.

OK. Erm...

I saw you in the club

and I thought you were...

I thought you were out of

my league or whatever.

- Erm, I liked your T-shirt a lot.

- What league are you in?

I don't know. Erm...

third division?

I don't think you believe

that for a moment.

Then you, erm...

followed me into the toilets and tried

to eye me up at the urinal - hot.

(Laughs) Well, you left.

- And then I left.

- Why?

There was someone else I wanted,

but by the time I found him

he was with someone else, so...

So I was your second choice?

Why does that matter?

(Man shouting outside)

- This is a stupid f***ing conversation.

Did you hear that?

(Man outside) Queer?

- No.

(Man) Oh, look!

(Man) Queer!

- Glen...

(Glen) What the f*** do

you think you're doing?

- Glen. Please just close the f***ing window.

(Glen) Leave him alone!

(Man) F*** off!

- What did you say?

(Man) F*** off!

- I swear to God, if you don't quit,

I'm gonna come down there and f***ing

rape your holes, do you hear me?

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