Weird: The Al Yankovic Story
- Year:
- 2022
- 5 Views
WEIRD:
written by
Al Yankovic & Eric Appel
OVER BLACK:
GRIZZLED NARRATOR (V.O.)
Life is like a parody of your
favorite song. Just when you think
you know all the words, surprise...
you don’t know anything.
A GURNEY crashes through double doors and barrels down a long
hallway, escorted by a team of frantic paramedics.
As the gurney zooms through several pools of florescent
light, we see who’s strapped to it: a bloody and battered
“WEIRD AL” YANKOVIC.
CUT TO:
2 INT. OPERATING ROOM - NIGHT 2
WEIRD AL is heaved onto a table. A doctor RIPS open his
Hawaiian shirt while another charges defibrillator pads.
DOCTOR:
CLEAR!
BOOM! They shock Al’s chest... no, he’s still flatlining.
DOCTOR (CONT’D)
We’re losing him!
(to Al)
Come on, buddy, stay with us!
BOOM! They zap Al again. Nothing. The doctors are deflated.
DOCTOR (CONT’D)
Okay, let’s call it. Time of death,
seven thir--
The monitor BEEPS and Weird Al bolts upright, SCREAMING. We
FREEZE-FRAME on this.
GRIZZLED NARRATOR (V.O.)
But maybe I’m getting a little
ahead of myself. Why don’t we start
back at the beginning?
3 ESTABLISHING SHOT - LYNWOOD, CALIFORNIA - DAY 3
CHYRON:
Lynwood, California, 19692
Late afternoon sun bathes a depressing factory town as we
CRANE DOWN onto a depressing little house. We hear the MUSIC
of “Pico and Sepulveda” - the Dr. Demento theme song.
DISSOLVE TO:
4 INT. YANKOVIC HOUSE - DAY - CONTINUOUS 4
We pan across a room littered with various weird toys and
novelty items (including a stack of MAD magazines and an
Alfred E. Neuman bobblehead), and land on a bed with a large
mysterious lump in it. We reveal this to be YOUNG AL (9),
hiding under the covers with a clock-radio pressed up against
his ear. He is in heaven.
DR. DEMENTO (O.S.)
Wind up your radio! It’s time for
the Dr. Demento show! Two hours of
mad music and craaazy comedy from
out of the archives and off the
wall...
Al’s mother MARY (46) enters suspiciously, rips away the
covers and shuts off the radio.
MARY:
Alfy! Now what did we tell you
about listening to that garbage?
YOUNG AL:
Aw, mom! It’s Dr. Demento! It’s my
favorite show in the whole world!
MARY:
It’s going to rot your brain!
You’re just lucky your father
didn’t catch you, mister. You know
how he feels about that kind of
music.
YOUNG AL:
Yeah. I know.
MARY:
All right then. Well, you go wash
up - dinner will be ready in a few
minutes.
Al sulks out of the room. Mary starts tidying up and remaking
the bed as she hums “Onward Christian Soldiers.” When she
tucks in the sheet, she feels something under the mattress.
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(MORE)
3
She pulls out a crumpled HAWAIIAN SHIRT. She’s horrified -
it’s as if she’s found drug paraphernalia.
DISSOLVE TO:
5 INT. YANKOVIC HOUSE - THE DINNER TABLE - NIGHT - LATER 5
Al’s father NICK (52), a hard-working blue-collar man, sits
at the head of the table, wearing his filthy factory uniform.
A black glove covers his wooden hand. There’s a tension in
the room as they eat their mashed potatoes and peas.
MARY:
Alfy, aren’t you going to ask your
father how his day was?
YOUNG AL:
Um, how was your day, Dad?
NICK:
How was my day? You want to know
how my day was?
He lets out a long SIGH.
NICK (CONT’D)
Well, we had another fatality down
at the factory. A real grizzly one
too. It was that McKinley kid that
started last week. I kept telling
him to quit messing around near the
industrial shredder, but he just
wouldn’t listen.
The camera slowly PUSHES IN on Nick as he describes the
scene.
NICK (CONT’D)
First it grabbed onto his shirt and
started pulling him in backwards.
I screamed for him to take it
off... and he tried to... but there
were just too many buttons. I
wanted to reach out and grab him,
but I’ve already lost one hand to
that cursed machine. Now it had the
kid and it wasn’t about to let him
go. Grinding. The sound of
crunching bones. And as it
squeezed the last bit of life out
of him... just before it pulverized
his skull...
(MORE)
3
NICK (CONT’D)
4
he looked me right in the eyes and
mouthed the words, “I’m sorry.”
Mary and Al stare horrified.
NICK (CONT’D)
Anyway, there’s an opening down on
the floor now. Maybe I can pull
some strings and you can spend the
summer working with your old man.
How’s that sound, bucko?
YOUNG AL:
No thank you.
NICK:
Well, you’re going to have to learn
sooner or later. That factory will
make a man out of you.
YOUNG AL:
But I don’t ever want to work at
the factory. I want to make songs.
NICK:
Ohhh, you hear that, Mary? We’ve
got a regular Bing Crosby on our
hands. Well, go on then. Why don’t
you sing a little ditty for us?
Al just stares at his plate.
MARY:
Nick, you’re embarrassing him.
NICK:
Come on, boy. Cat got your tongue?
Let’s hear it. You’re such a little
songbird, let’s hear one right now.
A tense beat. Al looks to his mother’s sympathetic eyes and
musters up the courage.
YOUNG AL:
(singing)
“AMAAAZING GRAPES, HOW SWEET THE
JUICE / IT TASTES SO GOOD TO MEEEE”
Nick angrily SLAMS his fists on the table.
NICK:
Stop! That’s enough! What in God’s
name are you doing?! Those aren’t
the right words!
NICK (CONT’D)
4
5
YOUNG AL:
I know... I made it better.
NICK:
By changing the lyrics to a wellknown song?! No, boy. What you’re
doing is confusing and evil, and I
will NOT have that kind of
blasphemy in my house!
YOUNG AL:
But, Dad--
NICK:
What has gotten into you lately,
Alfred? The songs, the crazy
magazines... let me tell you, it
all stops now! You will not
besmirch the good name of this
family with that cockamamie
nonsense!
Young Al scowls and pushes his plate away.
MARY:
Honey, I know it’s hard to hear
this, but I’ve had a long talk with
your father and... well, we agreed
it would be best for all of us if
you just stopped being who you are
and doing the things you love.
YOUNG AL:
YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME!
A teary-eyed Al gets up from the table and runs to his room.
After the door SLAMS...
MARY:
I wasn’t sure how to bring this up
to you, but I found something in
Alfred’s room today.
She produces the Hawaiian shirt.
NICK:
What is this?
MARY:
It’s a Hawaiian shirt.
NICK:
That doesn’t even make sense. We’re
thousands of miles from Hawaii.
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6
MARY:
mattress. I just don’t know where
we went wrong with him.
Nick grabs the shirt and examines it for a long time.
NICK:
Face it, honey. Our boy is weird.
MARY:
I know he’s weird... I think I’ve
always known.
They hold each other tight.
DISSOLVE TO:
6 EXT. YANKOVIC HOUSE - DAY - WEEKS LATER 6
A man carrying a bulky suitcase jauntily walks up the steps
to the Yankovic residence.
GRIZZLED NARRATOR (V.O.)
It was a few weeks later when a
mysterious stranger showed up at my
door and changed my life forever.
7 INT. YANKOVIC HOUSE - DAY - CONTINUOUS 7
Nick is busily trying to fix a plumbing problem under the
kitchen sink when the DOORBELL RINGS.
NICK:
Alfred! Go see who that is!
Al opens the door, revealing a door-to-door accordion
SALESMAN - a slick, fast-talking, overly enthusiastic “Music
Man” type.
SALESMAN:
Good afternoon, sir! You’re the man
of the house, I take it? Well,
congratulations, today is your
lucky day, because I’m about to
make all your dreams come true!
Say, want to be the envy of all
your friends? The most popular guy
in the whole town? Well, everything
you need to make that happen is
right here inside this box.
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7
He pushes past Al into the living room.
YOUNG AL:
Um, my dad is actually--
SALESMAN:
Voila!
He opens the box, revealing a shiny new ACCORDION. Young Al’s
eyes go wide.
SALESMAN (CONT’D)
Feast your eyes. Have you ever seen
such a gorgeous instrument? Just
look at it. Better yet, here, try
it on!
The salesman straps it onto Al.
SALESMAN (CONT’D)
Remember, when you play the
accordion, you’re a one man band -
the life of any party! There, how’s
that feel?
YOUNG AL:
It’s a little big--
SALESMAN:
You’ll grow into it. Okay, now play
something. Go on, tickle the
ivories. Don’t be afraid. Just
play.
Al makes a horrible SQUOOOONK noise.
SALESMAN (CONT’D)
Look at that - a natural talent!
Don’t let that go to waste, son!
Buy this little beauty right now
and I guarantee you, girls will be
lined up around the block! You’ll
need to hire a lifeguard, ‘cause
you’ll be drowning in so much p--
NICK:
What is going on here??!
Al’s dad enters, apoplectic with rage.
SALESMAN:
Well, good day, sir, I--
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8
NICK:
What are you doing in my house? And
why is my innocent young child
wearing that “devil’s squeeze box”?
SALESMAN:
Well, sir, that’s actually our
newest--
NICK:
I thought I told you to shut up!!
Nick COLD-C*CKS him, sending him into the wall, knocking down
some framed pictures. Al is horrified. The salesman dizzily
picks himself up.
SALESMAN:
Well, no, sir, I’m pretty sure you
hadn’t asked me to shut up before.
But if you’d like me to shut up
now, I’ll gladly--
Nick HITS the salesman again, and continues WAILING on him
through an extended (mostly one-sided) fight during which he
is punched repeatedly and heavy objects are broken over his
head. At one point Nick SLAMS him back and forth on the floor
as if he were a rag doll. It’s brutal.
Finally Mary walks in, carrying two bags of groceries. When
she notices what’s going on she drops them on the floor and
rushes over to the bloodied salesman.
MARY:
Nick! NO!! What are you doing? Stop
it! Stop it right now!!
Nick stops, breathing heavily. He fixes his gaze on Young Al.
NICK:
YOU made me do this, boy. You
invited this evil into our house.
And now look at you. Look at you!
Take that sick monstrosity off this
very instant. I don’t EVER want to
see you wearing that thing again!
MARY:
(pointedly)
Why don’t you go for a little walk,
Nick. I think you’d better cool
off.
8
(MORE)
9
NICK:
Yeah. I could use a little fresh
air. ‘Cause it STINKS in here.
Nick walks out the door, but not before STOMPING the (O.S.)
salesman one last time. As soon as Nick is out of earshot,
Mary leans down close to the brutally-beaten, barely-alive
salesman.
MARY:
I’ll be right back - don’t go away!
SALESMAN:
Okay... I’ll be right here...
Mary rushes off, leaving the salesman and a traumatized Al to
SALESMAN (CONT’D)
So... how’s school?
YOUNG AL:
Um... good.
SALESMAN:
Doing okay in your classes?
YOUNG AL:
Sure, I guess so.
SALESMAN:
Great, great. Well, study hard,
kid, or else one day you might wind
up having to take a job as a doorto-door accordion salesman.
The salesman COUGHS UP BLOOD and Al grimaces. Mary rushes
back into frame holding an old coffee can full of money.
MARY:
Mister, we are so, so sorry about
this. I’m afraid my husband has a
bit of a temper, but he’s a good
man and he means well. Anyway, if
you’re amenable... we’d like to buy
that accordion.
YOUNG AL:
Mom! You mean it?
MARY:
Well, I WAS saving this money for
an emergency gall bladder
operation, but...
(MORE)
9
MARY (CONT’D)
10
how would you feel about an early
Christmas present?
Young Al is near tears. He HUGS his mother tightly.
YOUNG AL:
This is the greatest thing ever!
Thank you so much!
MARY:
Just one thing. No one can ever see
you playing this... ESPECIALLY your
father. This has to be OUR SECRET.
You understand me?
Al nods. But something’s troubling him.
YOUNG AL:
Mom... does dad hate me?
MARY:
What? No, of course not, sweetie.
YOUNG AL:
Then why is he always so hard on
me?
MARY:
Listen, you’re too young to
understand now, but just trust
me... your father has his reasons.
SALESMAN:
I think I’ve... Yeah, I’m pretty
sure I’ve got a collapsed lung.
MARY:
We’re trying to have a conversation
here, sir!!
8 INT. SCHOOL BUS - DAY - 1974 8
A preppy TEENAGE AL YANKOVIC (aviator frame glases, attempted
mustache) sits alone in the back of the bus. He pulls a MATH
BOOK from his backpack and places it on his lap.
GRIZZLED NARRATOR (V.O.)
For the next few years I kept to
myself and tried my best to please
Mom and Dad, but deep down I felt
like I was living a lie. I was wellbehaved, I got good grades... but I
never let anyone know the real me.
MARY (CONT’D)
10
11
Al furtively looks around, then opens the book, revealing
that he’s sneaking a peek at ACCORDION WORLD magazine, with a
hot accordion-playing woman on the cover.
Two teenage boys, KIP and ROBBIE, pop up from the seat behind
Al. He quickly stashes the reading material.
KIP:
Hey, Yankovic, you going to that
party at Hofstadter’s tonight? His
parents are out of town.
TEENAGE AL:
Aw jeez, I don’t know. I’m not
really allowed to go to parties.
ROBBIE:
Come on, man, don’t be square.
It’ll be fun.
TEENAGE AL:
Yeah, I’m not really allowed to
have fun.
KIP:
You don’t have to get permission
from your parents. Just sneak out.
TEENAGE AL:
I don’t think I can. My mom tucks
me in at night and makes me sleep
with the door open in case I have
night terrors.
ROBBIE:
You have night terrors?
TEENAGE AL:
No, but just in case, you know?
KIP:
Well... why don’t you just use a
hay boy then?
TEENAGE AL:
A hay boy? What’s that?
ROBBIE:
You don’t know what a hay boy is?!
Aw, dude, you’ve got a lot to
learn.
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12
KIP:
Just let us handle everything.
We’ll pick you up after school.
DISSOLVE TO:
9 EXT. YANKOVIC HOUSE - NIGHT 9
MARY (O.S.)
Nighty night, Alfy...
10 INT. YANKOVIC HOUSE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS 10
Mary stands in the doorway of Al’s bedroom.
MARY (CONT'D)
Don’t let the bedbugs give you
night terrors.
She clicks off the light and we reveal that in Al’s bed is a
crudely put-together boy made out of hay. It doesn’t even
have a face and both of its arms are sticking out the sides
of the covers.
11 INT. TEEN PARTY HOUSE - NIGHT 11
Al and his friends open the front door and survey the room.
Several teens wear LEDERHOSEN, BAVARIAN SOCKS, and ALPINE
HATS. Polka music blares from the speakers. Two HIPSTER TEENS
hold court by the record player.
HIPSTER TEEN:
I mean, Myron Floren is great and
all - Lawrence Welk sure likes him -
but he’s way too overexposed. For
my money, it’s “Whoopee” John
Wilfahrt that really gets me
hoppin’ and steppin’. I’m all about
that Minnesota sound, man.
Al stands frozen in the entryway.
TEENAGE AL:
You didn’t tell me this was a POLKA
party!
KIP:
What, do you not like polka?
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TEENAGE AL:
No, it’s not that. It’s just... my
parents would freak if they knew I
was here. I’ve gotta go.
Al turns to leave. Kip grabs his arm.
KIP:
Come on, Al. Live a little. What’s
the worst that could happen? You
might actually let your guard down
and enjoy life for once?
CUT TO:
12 INT. TEEN PARTY HOUSE - NIGHT - LATER 12
The music is blaring, and Al seems to have loosened up a bit -
he’s even trying to join in on the polka dances. Then, RECORD
SCRATCH - the music stops and KIP, grinning conspiratorially,
enters the room holding an accordion.
KIP:
Hey, you guys! Look what I found!
Everyone OOOHS excitedly and forms a circle around him. Al
starts getting nervous.
ROBBIE:
Dude! Pass it around! Pass it!
Kip passes the accordion to Robbie like it’s a joint. Robbie
quickly straps it on and ham-fistedly plays “Chopsticks.” The
crowd is titillated.
KIP:
Awesome! Now, me! Me!
Robbie passes the instrument to Kip, who just makes horrible
NOISES with it. The crowd LAUGHS. Al is almost having a panic
attack.
ROBBIE:
(laughing)
Al, here, you gotta try this.
TEENAGE AL:
No thanks. I’m good.
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14
KIP:
Yeah, I bet he’s got his own
accordion at home.
TEENAGE AL:
(nervous)
What? Why would you say that?
KIP:
Uhhh, Frankie Yankovic? America’s
polka king? Hello!
TEENAGE AL:
You KNOW we’re not related. At all.
ROBBIE:
Aw, come on, Al. Don’t be a
chicken.
TEENAGE AL:
I’m not. I just-- I just don’t want
to play it, okay? Lay off me, man!
ROBBIE:
Al’s afraid his mommy and daddy are
gonna find out he tried an
accordion.
The teens LAUGH. A needle drops on a record and “The Chicken
Dance” begins playing over the speakers. The teenagers all
start mocking Al, making CLUCKING NOISES and doing the
Finally Al caves in and picks up the accordion. The music
stops and the crowd goes quiet. As Al gets the feel of the
new instrument, he makes a few SQUONKING SOUNDS with it and
the crowd SNICKERS derisively. Then, he takes a deep breath
and...
PLAYS AN INCREDIBLE, LIGHTNING FAST version of “The Clarinet
Polka.”
Teens look around at each other in disbelief. He’s an
accordion prodigy! When he finishes, he looks up to find a
room full of open-mouthed stares. And then, they ERUPT into
CHEERS and THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE.
KIP:
Holy crap! You’re a genius, Al!
ROBBIE:
That was unbelievable!
14
15
Suddenly, we hear a POLICE SIREN. The HIPSTER TEEN runs in
from outside.
HIPSTER TEEN:
It’s the cops! Everyone run!
Teens SCREAM and scatter. Al is left holding the accordion.
CUT TO:
13 INT. YANKOVIC HOUSE - NIGHT - LATER 13
A sleepy Mary opens the front door to find Al, escorted by
two POLICE OFFICERS.
POLICE OFFICER:
Sorry to disturb you, ma’am, but
I’m afraid we found your son at a
polka party. He was playing... an
accordion.
MARY:
(genuinely confused)
But that’s impossible. Alfy’s in
his--
Nick comes out of Al’s room, carrying the hay boy.
NICK:
A hay boy? Really?!
CUT TO:
14 INT. YANKOVIC HOUSE - NIGHT - LATER 14
Al sits on the couch next to the slumped-over hay boy as Nick
paces back and forth.
NICK:
What did I do to deserve this? I
feel like I don’t even know you
anymore.
TEENAGE AL:
You want me to be like you, but I’m
nothing like you. You want me to
work at that factory... I don’t
even know what you make down there!
You just call it “the factory”!
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16
NICK:
You’ll find out what we make at the
factory when you work there!
TEENAGE AL:
Well, it’s my life and I want to
make music. And I want to play the
accordion!
NICK:
Hogwash!
TEENAGE AL:
And I’m good at it! I’m really
good!
NICK:
How did you ever get good at
playing the accordion? It certainly
wasn’t under my roof. Or what, do
you sneak out and practice in the
woods at night?
TEENAGE AL:
No... I play it here at home,
quietly, in the closet, when you’re
not around.
(gaining confidence)
But I’m not a closet accordion
player anymore. Now I’m out of the
closet, and it feels good!
Nick stares at Al for a long hard beat, then makes a beeline
for the closet.
TEENAGE AL (CONT’D)
Wait, what are you doing?
NICK:
The closet, you say?
Nick flings the closet door open and starts digging around,
chucking things out into the room - boots, coats, brooms.
TEENAGE AL:
Dad, come on! Stop it!
Nick pulls the accordion out of the back of the closet. The
ultimate betrayal. He slowly turns around and looks at Al
with dead eyes, speaking very calmly.
NICK:
This is for your own good, boy.
16
(MORE)
17
And with that, he lifts the accordion high up above his head
and whips it down on the ground as hard as he can, over and
over.
TEENAGE AL:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
SMASH! SMASH! Splinters of wood and black-and-white keys fly
all over the room. Al runs to the door.
TEENAGE AL (CONT’D)
You think you’re going to stop me
from playing?! You’ll see...
Someday I’m going to be the best--
well, perhaps not technically the
BEST, but arguably the most famous
accordion player in an extremely
specific genre of music! I’ll show
you! I’ll show everybody!
Al runs out the front door, SLAMMING it behind him. Mary
comes running down the stairs.
MARY:
Goodness! What was all that
commotion? What happened? Where’s
Alfy?
NICK:
He’s dead.
MARY:
WHAT???
NICK:
...to me. He’s dead to me.
15 EXT. COLLEGE TOWN STREET - MORNING - 1979 15
We tilt up from a pair of CHECKERED VANS and reveal the adult
WEIRD AL YANKOVIC walking down the sidewalk, rocking his full
classic look:
GLASSES, MUSTACHE and LOUD HAWAIIAN SHIRT. Heapproaches and studies a cork message board.
GRIZZLED NARRATOR (V.O.)
Things at home never got any better
after that. But within a few years
I graduated, and I was able to move
out and live on my own. Well, with
three other guys in a dirt-cheap
apartment, but the point is, I
didn’t have to answer to anybody.
(MORE)
17
GRIZZLED NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)
18
Now I’d have a chance to find
others who would truly understand
me. I could find “my people.”
Al rips the phone number from the bottom of an ad that reads:
PUNK BAND - LOOKING FOR NEW MEMBERS.
16 INT. REHEARSAL ROOM - DAY 16
We see Al’s solo audition: he plays accordion while singing a
wildly energetic version of “Beat on the Brat” by The
Ramones. Unfortunately, it’s just not very punk - it sounds
like a bouncy, happy polka.
WEIRD AL:
(singing)
“BEAT ON THE BRAT / BEAT ON THE
BRAT / BEAT ON THE BRAT WITH A
BASEBALL BAT / OH YEAH / OH YEAH /
OH-HO.../ OH YEAH / OH YEAH / OH HO
/ HEY! / HEY! / HEY! HEY!”
We reveal that Al is playing for an extremely hardcore-
* looking punk band. They are frozen in disgust and shock.
* Finally, the band’s frontman, JOHNNY BARF, stops the
performance.
* JOHNNY BARF
Okay, that’s enough, thank you.
Yeah. Um, interesting. So... we’ll
let you know.
WEIRD AL:
Great! When?
* JOHNNY BARF
Right now. You didn’t make it.
17 INT. AL’S COLLEGE APARTMENT - DAY 17
Still wearing his accordion, Al returns home to the small
shabby apartment that he shares with his roommates JIM, STEVE
and BERMUDA. He plops down on the sofa with a horrible NOISE.
WEIRD AL:
This sucks. That’s the fifth
audition I’ve been kicked out of
this week. It’s almost like nobody
wants to have an accordion player
in their band!
GRIZZLED NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)
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19
JIM:
That just doesn’t make any sense!
STEVE:
Yeah, accordions are cool!
BERMUDA:
That’s the problem with being on
the bleeding edge. You gotta wait
for the rest of the world to catch
up with you.
WEIRD AL:
I don’t have time to wait. If
nobody wants me in their group, I’m
just gonna have to go it on my own.
BERMUDA:
I know you will, man. Don’t worry,
it’s gonna happen for you. Just
hang in there. We got your back.
WEIRD AL:
Thanks, Bermuda. All you guys -
you’ve just been so great. I mean,
you really get me. It’s such a
difference after living with my
folks for so long.
JIM:
Yeah. And you know, the best part
of living away from home is you can
do anything you want. Hook up with
girls...
STEVE:
Get high all the time...
JIM:
I mean, literally anything. There
are no rules!
STEVE:
Just last night I was driving down
the wrong side of the 101 with my
eyes closed, not knowing if I was
going to live to see another day or
die in a horrible fiery wreck. Suck
on that, Mom and Dad!
BERMUDA & JIM
You show ‘em, Steve! / Stick it to
the Man!
19
20
High fives all around.
BERMUDA:
How ‘bout you, Al? What’s the one
thing you’ve always wanted to do
Al thinks for a minute, then answers wistfully:
WEIRD AL:
Make up new words to a song that
already exists.
The roommates are briefly dumbfounded. Then:
BERMUDA:
Well, you should do that then.
JIM & STEVE
Yeah, absolutely. / No judgements
here.
JIM:
So why don’t you do it right now?
Go for it. Make up something
brilliant. You can do it.
Al closes his eyes and thinks hard. Nothing.
WEIRD AL:
No. It’s not that easy. I gotta
wait for inspiration to strike. And
I’m pretty sure that well dried up
a long time ago.
JIM:
Oh... well, if you’re not going to
write us a song... why don’t you
make us some sandwiches??
STEVE:
Yeah, dude, I’m starving!
JIM, STEVE & BERMUDA
Sand-wich! Sand-wich! Sand-wich...
WEIRD AL:
(laughing)
Okay, you guys, I’m on it. Hey,
Jim, put on some tunes.
Al loads some sliced bread into the toaster as Jim turns on
the radio.
20
21
“MY SHARONA” by The Knack is playing: “OOH, YOU MAKE MY MOTOR
RUN, MY MOTOR RUN / GOT IT COMING OFF OF THE LINE,
SHARONA...”
Al digs around in the fridge and pulls out a pack of bologna.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
Hey, Steve, this bologna’s got your
name on it, can we--?
STEVE:
Yeah, sure, open up a package of my
bologna.
Al plops down the package of Oscar Mayer bologna on the
counter as the song reaches the chorus: “M-M-M-MY SHARONA! /
M-M-M-MY SHARONA!”
Only the song doesn’t continue on to the next verse, it
begins SKIPPING. Al c*cks his head and stares at the radio.
“M-M-M-MY SHARONA! / M-M-M-MY SHARONA!”
As the chorus repeats, Al looks back down toward the bologna.
We PUSH IN on the package from Al’s perspective and then back
on Al’s face from the bologna’s perspective.
BERMUDA:
Is this DJ asleep or something? The
record’s skipping!
(knocking on radio)
Hey! Wake up!
We PUSH IN even closer to Al’s face. He’s lost in thought.
Closer on the bologna. Then closer on Al.
WEIRD AL:
(singing under his breath)
“M-M-M-MY BOLOGNA / M-M-M-MY
BOLOGNA...”
Jim taps Bermuda and points to Al, who looks to be having
some sort of out-of-body experience.
BERMUDA:
Hey, Al... you okay?
Bermuda shuts off the radio and Al snaps out of it. Without
saying a word, he grabs his accordion and starts playing the
“My Sharona” riff.
BERMUDA (CONT’D)
Uhh...
21
22
WEIRD AL:
(singing)
“OOH, MY LITTLE HUNGRY ONE, HUNGRY
BOLOGNA”
Al stops playing and breathes deep. His roommates look around
at each other, unsure of what they just witnessed. Suddenly,
the toast pops up. Without missing a beat, Al immediately
launches back into the song.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
“OOOH, I THINK THE TOAST IS DONE,
THE TOAST IS DONE / TOP IT WITH A
His roommates give each other knowing looks - THEY’RE
WITNESSING MAGIC.
STEVE:
Where did that come from?!
JIM:
Dude, I’ve got chills.
WEIRD AL:
I don’t know. It just... came out
of me.
BERMUDA:
I’ve never heard anything like that
before. You’ve got to record it.
WEIRD AL:
Record it? I don’t know.
JIM:
Al, you’ve got something here, and
I’m not sure if it comes from God
or the devil... but the world needs
to hear it.
WEIRD AL:
Aw, forget it, I don’t have the
money for a recording studio.
BERMUDA:
I think the bathroom at the bus
station has pretty good
acoustics...
They all look at each other.
SMASH CUT TO:
22
(MORE)
23
18 INT. PUBLIC RESTROOM - DAY 18
The guys burst into a public restroom carrying a chair, a mic
on a stand and a reel-to-reel tape deck. There’s a SURPRISED
MAN standing at the urinal. They hurry him along, help him
zip up, and push him out of the room.
Bermuda adjusts the microphone. Jim, wearing headphones,
gives a thumbs up. Steve presses record. The tape reels begin
spinning.
As Al is performing (now in sync to the music track), someone
sneaks out of a bathroom stall behind him and slinks out the
room.
19 INT. AL’S COLLEGE APARTMENT - DAY 19
As his roommates look on proudly, Al labels the cassette tape
“MY BOLOGNA - Al Yankovic.” He slides it into a padded
envelope and labels it: “ATTN: THE CAPTAIN BUFFOON SHOW”
20 EXT. COLLEGE TOWN STREET - DAY 20
An OLD WOMAN stands at a MAILBOX, removing a letter from her
purse with a shaky hand. Al enters the frame and SHOVES HER
OUT OF THE WAY. He SLAM DUNKS his envelope into the mailbox,
SPINS AROUND like James Brown and DOES A SPLIT. He gets back
up, does the “YES!!” gesture, then runs off excitedly.
21 INT. AL’S COLLEGE APARTMENT - DAY - A LITTLE LATER 21
Al enters excitedly.
WEIRD AL:
All right! Just mailed the tape off
to Captain Buffoon. Whew! Now, I
guess all I gotta do is kick back
and wait to become famous.
BERMUDA:
(laughing)
Yeah, that’s not quite how it
works, Al. Nobody gets famous
overnight - that’s a myth.
(MORE)
23
BERMUDA (CONT’D)
24
Sometimes it takes years - DECADES
of hard work to get noticed. Look,
I believe in you - I know it’ll
happen someday. But you can’t just
mail your tape to a disc jockey and
sensation!
Al plops down on the couch.
WEIRD AL:
Ugh. Why can’t I catch a break?
He flips on the radio and we hear:
CAPTAIN BUFFOON (V.O.)
Captain Buffoon on your radio dial -
no, I’m not making this up, I just
received this tape in the mail a
few minutes ago, and what can I
say... it’s an instant sensation!
Al and his roommates’ eyes get big as they slowly look around
at each other. Could this really be happening?
CAPTAIN BUFFOON (CONT’D)
It’s already the number one most
requested song of the week and
we’re playing it all day long, so
here it is once again: Al Yankovic
with “My Bologna”!
The SONG STARTS PLAYING on the radio and the guys proceed to
go COMPLETELY INSANE. Al and Bermuda start LAUGHING and
shaking each other violently, then doing a wild happy dance
where they slap each other HARD. Jim looks like he’s
possessed - he starts breaking plates over his head, kicking
over trash cans and destroying kitchen appliances. Steve rips
his shirt off and runs around in circles SCREAMING before
throwing himself through a plate glass window (O.S.) Then
Bermuda squishes Al’s face in his hands and says:
BERMUDA:
You know what this means, right?
You’ve gotta get yourself a record
deal!!
“My Bologna” plays continuously as we CUT TO:
22 EXT. SCOTTI BROS. RECORDS - THE NEXT DAY 22
Establishing shot of a monolithic building - this is the home
BERMUDA (CONT’D)
24
25
23 INT. SCOTTI BROS. RECORDS - DAY 23
Tight shot of a portable cassette player playing “My Bologna”
on a fancy wooden desk in the Scotti brothers’ private
office. Al is sitting nervously while TONY and BEN SCOTTI
listen to the recording - they are extremely confused and
definitely not impressed. (NOTE: TONY SCOTTI is played by the
real-life Al Yankovic.) Finally, Tony presses the stop
button.
TONY SCOTTI:
I’ve heard enough.
Painful pause.
WEIRD AL:
Well? Whaddaya think?
TONY SCOTTI:
(sighs)
Let me try to explain something to
you. You know why they call it the
“record business”?
WEIRD AL:
Why?
TONY SCOTTI:
Because it’s a business!
BEN SCOTTI:
It’s a BUSINESS!
TONY SCOTTI:
And this is the stupidest business
model I’ve ever seen. Use your
head, kid. Nobody wants to hear a
parody song when they can hear the
real thing for the same price! I
mean, what’s the point?
WEIRD AL:
With new lyrics, the song kind of
takes on a life of its own.
TONY SCOTTI:
(stammering)
It’s not even a unique talent.
Anyone can change the words around
to a song. Ben, gimme a song, just
name any song.
BEN SCOTTI:
Y.M.C.A.
25
26
TONY SCOTTI:
Okay, great, Y.M.C.A. Here’s a
parody off the top of my head.
(thinks, then sings)
“IT’S FUN TO STAY AT THE Y.M.C.”--
no, those are the real wor-- wait,
hold on, hold on... Okay, I got it.
(hums, then sings)
“M.C.Y.A...” There, see? Easy.
BEN SCOTTI:
What does that stand for?
TONY SCOTTI:
It doesn’t matter! The point is, if
I had enough time, I’m sure I could
come up with something great.
WEIRD AL:
Well, my song was a big hit on the
Captain Buffoon show.
TONY SCOTTI:
Wait a minute - hold on - are you
saying Captain Buffoon actually
played your song... on the radio??
WEIRD AL:
Yeah...
TONY SCOTTI:
Well, why didn’t you say so! This
changes everything! Ben, give that
young gentleman a record contract.
We are gonna sign him to a fourteenalbum deal!
Ben hands Al a piece of paper.
WEIRD AL:
Really??
TONY SCOTTI:
NO!! What do you think I am, an
idiot?
BEN SCOTTI:
He’s not an idiot.
TONY SCOTTI:
I’m not an idiot!
We see that Al was handed a Chinese take-out menu.
26
27
BEN SCOTTI:
If I may interject here--
TONY SCOTTI:
Please.
BEN SCOTTI:
I’d just like to say that you’ve
got some nerve coming in here and
wasting MY time, and my brother
TONY’S time. I’m going to remember
your name. Because you, Al
Yankovic, are the most untalented,
pathetic loser I’ve ever met in my
entire life.
Tony (played by Al Yankovic, remember) gets progressively
uncomfortable during this speech. He does a furtive take to
camera and pats Ben on the shoulder. Tony very quietly tries
to interject, but Ben is on a roll.
TONY SCOTTI:
Um, maybe uh--
BEN SCOTTI:
You’re nothing but a hack! A
stupid, useless parasite.
TONY SCOTTI:
Take it down a notch--
BEN SCOTTI:
A grotesque blotch on humanity. And
you’re so UGLY.
TONY SCOTTI:
Ohhhkay--
BEN SCOTTI:
That ridiculous hair, that horrible
mustache... You make me want to
THROW UP!
TONY SCOTTI:
All right, that’s enough! Thank
you, Ben, for your thoughts.
(to Al)
Look, kid, I’m gonna do you a favor
and give you a little free advice.
If you’ve really got your heart set
yours... two things. First - maybe
you should write more than one
song?
27
28
BEN SCOTTI:
All the biggest musical acts have
more than one song in their
catalogue.
TONY SCOTTI:
That’s true. And also - this is
important - get yourself out in
front of a live audience. Any
audience. Just do a few gigs, build
up your chops, and then who knows?
Maybe... someday... we’ll talk
again.
BEN SCOTTI:
But don’t count on it... ‘cause you
TRULY SUCK.
TONY SCOTTI:
Right. Okay, so... we done here?
WEIRD AL:
(defiantly)
No... I’ve got one more question
for you.
Ben and Tony are taken aback.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
Do you validate parking?
TONY SCOTTI:
Oh yeah, sure. Ben?
Ben stamps Al’s ticket.
BEN SCOTTI:
There ya go.
WEIRD AL:
Thanks.
24 EXT. THE COBRA PIT - NIGHT 24
Dirtbag bikers scuffle on the sidewalk as loud rock music
emanates from inside the divey rock club. A marquee above the
28
(MORE)
29
25 INT. THE COBRA PIT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS 25
* The audience violently thrashes around as SKUNK BARF (the
same band we saw Al auditioning for earlier) ROCKS OUT on
stage. They actually sound really great.
Al peeks out from behind the curtain as the band finishes up.
* JOHNNY BARF
Thank you, we are SKUNK BARF.
HECKLER:
YOU GUYS SUUUUUCK!
The audience starts hurling everything that’s not nailed down
at the stage as bikers and hoodlums swarm the stage and pull
the band members into the crowd. Fists fly - bottles are
broken - chairs, knives and chains are thrown. It’s a melee.
The only person in the club not involved in this fight is a
bearded man wearing a top hat and tails, who sits in the back
of the room, nursing a fancy drink as chairs fly past him. He
actually seems drolly amused by it all.
Al, on the other hand, looks terrified. He quickly shuts the
curtain and retreats backstage.
26 INT. THE COBRA PIT - BACKSTAGE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS 26
WEIRD AL:
(hyperventilating)
I can’t do this, I can’t do this...
Jim, Steve and Bermuda hang out on the couches.
JIM:
Just relax, you’ll be great.
STEVE:
Yeah, the new song is a bonafide
hit!
WEIRD AL:
It’s about ice cream!
BERMUDA:
Everybody likes ice cream.
WEIRD AL:
This seems like more of a whiskey
and... heroin crowd. Look, I
appreciate you guys being here for
moral support and all, but...
(MORE)
29
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
30
they are literally going to kill
me. We need to leave RIGHT NOW.
BERMUDA:
Don’t be silly, man, they’re going
to love you!
The roommates continue with their positive reinforcement as a
SLEAZY MC pops his head into the room.
SLEAZY MC:
Okay, we got most of the blood
cleaned off the stage, so... you’re
on. Now.
He leaves.
WEIRD AL:
Go start the car.
JIM:
Nah, you got this, Al.
STEVE:
This is your moment. Go get ‘em,
champ!
Al gulps hard and exits the room. The roommates immediately
drop their smiles - they’re actually really worried for him.
CUT TO:
27 INT. THE COBRA PIT - THE STAGE - NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER 27
The SLEAZY MC steps up to the microphone.
SLEAZY MC:
All right, all right, who’s ready
for some more music?
He ducks a bottle. It SMASHES on the brick wall behind him.
SLEAZY MC (CONT’D)
Coming to the stage next, this
guy’s a first-timer... Al Yankovic.
Al trepidatiously walks toward the mic stand. There’s a
smattering of light applause, some dismissive snickering and
a few BOOOOOs.
The microphone feeds back when Al taps it. SQUEEEEEEEE!
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
30
31
WEIRD AL:
Uh... I hope you guys are ready for
this.
Al looks back into the wings - the guys are peeking through
the curtain, giving him thumbs up. Al takes a breath, and
then launches into the accordion intro for “I LOVE ROCKY
ROAD” (his parody of Joan Jett’s “I Love Rock n’ Roll”).
The audience is stunned - their attitude is somewhere between
extreme confusion and sheer hatred. Bermuda can’t take this
anymore - he walks past Jim and Steve onto the stage.
BERMUDA:
This guy needs some help.
WEIRD AL:
(singing)
“I HEAR THOSE ICE CREAM BELLS AND I
START TO DROOL / KEEP A COUPLE
QUARTS IN MY LOCKER AT SCHOOL...”
As soon as Bermuda starts playing the abandoned drum set, Al
smiles and loosens up. We see the crowd starting to nod along
to the music - hey, this kid ain’t bad.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
“YEAH, BUT CHOCOLATE’S GETTIN’ OLD
/ VANILLA JUST LEAVE ME COLD...”
The bearded man in the top hat has taken notice as well - he
slowly lowers his drink. Jim and Steve look at each other,
shrug, then hurry on stage to play guitar and bass.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
(singing)
ENOUGH FOR ME, YEAH ME / DON’T
GIMME NO CRUMMY TASTE SPOON, I KNOW
WHAT I NEED, BABY...”
By the time the first chorus hits, the whole band is playing
and the crowd is totally into it - they’re pumping their
fists along to the beat.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
(singing)
“I LOVE ROCKY ROAD / SO WON’T YOU
GO AND BUY A HALF A GALLON, BABY /
I LOVE ROCKY ROAD / SO HAVE ANOTHER
31
32
Huge CHEERS! As we go into the instrumental section, we see a
BIG BIKER (MAMA BEAR) from the crowd approach the BARTENDER
(WAYNE).
MAMA BEAR:
Gimme a shot of tequila and two
scoops of Rum Raisin.
WAYNE:
Uh, we don’t sell ice cream here.
Mama Bear grabs him by the collar.
MAMA BEAR:
Well, you better start selling it
before this song’s over, or you’re
gonna have a riot on your hands!
WEIRD AL:
(singing)
“WHEN I’M ALL ALONE / I JUST GRAB
MYSELF A CONE / AND IF I GET FAT
AND LOSE MY TEETH, THAT’S FINE WITH
ME / JUST LOCK ME IN THE FREEZER
AND THROW AWAY THE KEY, SINGIN’...”
The entire crowd is now SINGING ALONG enthusiastically.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
“I LOVE ROCKY ROAD / SO WON’T YOU
GO AND BUY A HALF A GALLON, BABY /
I LOVE ROCKY ROAD / SO HAVE ANOTHER
TRIPLE SCOOP WITH ME! / I LOVE
ROCKY ROAD / SO WON’T YOU GO AND
BUY A HALF A GALLON, BABY / I LOVE
ROCKY ROAD / SO HAVE ANOTHER TRIPLE
SCOOP WITH--”
The crowd is going absolutely crazy. This is the greatest
thing they’ve ever seen and the most fun they’ve ever had in
their lives.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
“I LOVE ROCKY ROAD / SO WON’T YOU
GO AND BUY A HALF A GALLON, BABY /
I LOVE ROCKY ROAD / SO HAVE ANOTHER
Al finishes with a flourish and the crowd goes INSANE. The
band members join Al for bows.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
Why didn’t you tell me you guys
could play? You’re great!
32
(MORE)
33
Jim and Steve shrug.
JIM:
I guess it didn’t feel relevant
until now.
We hear an ICE CREAM TRUCK in the distance as Mama Bear comes
running in from outside.
MAMA BEAR:
TRUCK’S DRIVIN’ DOWN THE STREET!
The club immediately clears out as people stampede to the
door - REVVING MOTORCYCLES and GUNFIRE can be heard from
outside. Only the bearded man in the top hat is left behind.
He SLOW CLAPS.
28 INT. THE COBRA PIT - BACKSTAGE - NIGHT - LATER 28
As Al packs up his accordion, the bearded man in the top hat
appears in the door frame and watches him. Al snaps the locks
on the box and stands.
WEIRD AL:
Oh hey, I didn’t realize...
He recognizes the man.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
Wait a second... you’re Dr.
Demento!
DR. DEMENTO tips his hat.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
Oh wow, I am such a huge fan! I
can’t believe this - I’ve been
listening to your show my whole
life! “Wiiind up your radio--”
DR. DEMENTO
Don’t do that.
WEIRD AL:
Sorry. Um... did you see the show?
DR. DEMENTO
I did. And let me tell you
something. Every once in a great
while I see a talent that I know is
going to make it all the way to the
top. Nervous Norvus.
(MORE)
33
DR. DEMENTO (CONT’D)
34
Wildman Fischer. And now... you.
What I saw on that stage tonight
blew my mind. You cracked the code.
I think you’ve really got something
special.
WEIRD AL:
WOW. Thank you so much, you have no
idea what it means for me to hear
you say that. I only wish the
Scotti brothers felt the same way.
DR. DEMENTO
The suits couldn’t spot real talent
if it was smacking them in the face
with a dead fish... But I could get
them to notice you.
WEIRD AL:
How?
DR. DEMENTO
Leave it to me. I know a thing or
two about the biz.
WEIRD AL:
Are you saying you want to be my
mentor?
DR. DEMENTO
No. I want to be your DEEEEEmentor!
Dr. Demento laughs WAY too long at this.
DR. DEMENTO (CONT’D)
But first of all, we’ve got to get
Yankovic? No no no. Terrible name.
Terrible. Al Yankovic. Doesn’t
exactly roll off the tongue, does
it? It’s long, clunky, hard to
remember. Now, just throwin’ this
out there, but - what would you
think about changing it to... WEIRD
Al Yankovic?
Al ponders it.
WEIRD AL:
I love it.
DR. DEMENTO (CONT’D)
34
35
DR. DEMENTO
Great. Hey, I’m having a little
weekend. There are some people I’d
love to introduce you to. Why don’t
you come by and we’ll continue this
conversation in the grotto?
As Demento heads for the exit he calls back.
DR. DEMENTO (CONT’D)
Oh, and don’t forget to staaaaay
demented!
WEIRD AL:
You got it!
Al laughs and watches him go with stars in his eyes.
DISSOLVE TO:
30 EXT. DR. DEMENTO'S HOUSE - BACK YARD - DAY 30
A pool party is in full swing, packed to the gills with a
Who’s Who of pop culture weirdos, all decked out in their
most iconic looks. As we pan the crowd, we see huge rock
stars (ALICE COOPER, DAVID BOWIE, ELTON JOHN, FRANK ZAPPA)
and cult figures from movies and TV (ELVIRA, GRACE JONES,
etc).
Al enters the party, followed by his roommates/band. Dr.
Demento greets Al warmly.
DR. DEMENTO
Ah, there he is, my newest
superstar! So glad you could make
it! I’ve been telling everybody
about you-- oh. I see you brought
your band.
He regards them - they obviously weren’t invited.
DR. DEMENTO (CONT’D)
That’s... fine. The canapes are
over that way, gentlemen, go ahead
and grab yourselves a plate.
Anyway, Al, let me show you around
the place - everyone’s dying to
meet you.
We follow Al and Demento as they approach PEE-WEE HERMAN and
TINY TIM. Pee-Wee does a triple-take as they approach.
35
36
DR. DEMENTO (CONT’D)
Ah, Mr. Herman! I’d like you to
meet “Weird Al” Yankovic.
PEE-WEE HERMAN
Ahh, rising young star... pleased
to meet you!
Pee-Wee extends his hand and when Al grabs it, he pulls it
off -- a fake hand! Pee-Wee clutches his wrist and falls to
the ground.
PEE-WEE HERMAN (CONT’D)
AAAGH! AAAGH! AAAGH!
DR. DEMENTO
And this, of course, is Tiny Tim...
Tiny Tim flutters his hand in front of his face, clutching
his ukulele in the other.
TINY TIM:
Ohhhhh, Mr. Yankovic! Ohhhh! Why,
you’re just the cat’s pajamas!
WEIRD AL:
(to Demento)
Is that good?
DR. DEMENTO
(who knows?)
Sure.
Demento tips his hat and they move on.
DR. DEMENTO (CONT’D)
Gentlemen...
We CUT around to other areas of the party - Al is creating
* major buzz. We see ALICE COOPER (with a HUGE SNAKE around his
* neck) and GALLAGHER (with a WATERMELON and SLEDGE-O-MATIC)
sitting together at a patio table.
* GALLAGHER
* So that’s Demento’s new protégé? I
* heard they don’t even hand out
* raincoats and tarps at his shows.
* Pfft, amateur hour.
* We see ANDY WARHOL approach SALVADOR DALI (who speaks in a
thick Catalonian accent).
ANDY WARHOL:
Well, hello, Dali.
36
37
SALVADORE DALI:
(thick Catalonian accent)
Andy, what do you think of this...
Weird Al? I have a feeling he will
change everything we know about
art. I think he will change the
WORLD.
ANDY WARHOL:
Pfft. I give him fifteen minutes.
* We see “Pink Flamingos” drag queen star DIVINE chatting with
a friend while holding what appears to be a fresh dog turd.
DIVINE:
He changes the words to songs?? I
find that extremely offensive.
As Al and Demento approach the cabana, WOLFMAN JACK steps
directly in front of them, blocking their path.
WOLFMAN JACK:
Well well well, if it isn’t Dr.
Demento.
DR. DEMENTO
Wolfman Jack? Who let YOU in here?
WOLFMAN JACK:
The Wolfman goes where the Wolfman
wants, baby. Ow-Ow-Owooooo!
DR. DEMENTO
Security!
WOLFMAN JACK:
Relax, I just came by to lay my
eyes on this cat you’ve been
parading around - the one who takes
pre-existing musical compositions
and completely changes the lyrics.
DR. DEMENTO
His name’s Weird Al.
WOLFMAN JACK:
Well then...
(extending hand)
Put ‘er there, Weird Al.
Al reaches out, but Wolfman quickly pulls his hand away and
slides it across the side of his head.
37
38
WOLFMAN JACK (CONT’D)
Ooooh, too slow.
A few people SNICKER. Al is embarrassed. A crowd starts to
form.
DR. DEMENTO
Hey, what is this?
WOLFMAN JACK:
This is me telling you that I know
a hit artist when I see one, and
this kid ain’t it. He’ll never
crack the top 40. He’s too niche.
DR. DEMENTO
This “kid” happens to be the future
of music.
WOLFMAN JACK:
Right. Well if he’s so great, how
about he comes up with a new parody
song right now, on the spot.
The crowd is intrigued.
WEIRD AL:
I don’t think that’s such a good
idea--
BRITISH VOICE (O.S.)
Do “Another One Bites The Dust!”
WOLFMAN JACK:
Haha, that seems fitting. Who said
that?
A very average looking guy with curly brown hair raises his
hand. It’s JOHN DEACON from the band Queen.
JOHN DEACON:
I did.
He’s met with blank stares.
JOHN DEACON (CONT’D)
I’m John Deacon. From Queen. I play
the bass.
Everyone collectively has an “oh right, I sort of recognize
him now” moment. Wolfman turns back to Al.
38
39
WOLFMAN JACK:
All right, future boy. Let’s hear
what you can do with “Another One
Bites The Dust.”
The gauntlet has been thrown. Al looks to Demento for help,
but Demento just gives him a subtle “you’ve got this”
gesture.
WOLFMAN JACK (CONT’D)
We’re waiting...
Al is frozen. Wolfman smirks and walks back to John Deacon.
WOLFMAN JACK (CONT’D)
Come on, “guy from Queen,” let’s
go find a party with some real
talent!
Wolfman HOWLS as he puts his arm around John Deacon. The two
of them LAUGH as they head toward the exit.
Al has a fire in his eyes.
WEIRD AL:
Anyone got an accordion?
Immediately, three accordions are thrust into frame. Al
considers them all, then chooses the middle one. He straps it
on.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
Let’s do this.
He launches into “Another One Rides the Bus.” Wolfman Jack
and John Deacon stop in their tracks and turn around. Al’s
band members gather by his side. Bermuda starts THUMPING on
the accordion case for percussion, Steve makes vocal noises
* (”YEAH!”) and Jim does “hand farts.” Dr. Demento hands out
* duck calls, sirens, whistles, and various other toys an
* noisemakers to his guests. There is electricity in the air -
the crowd is spellbound.
39
40
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
(singing)
“RIDIN’ IN A BUS DOWN THE BOULEVARD
/ AND THE PLACE WAS PRETTY PACKED /
COULDN’T FIND A SEAT SO I HAD TO
STAND / WITH THE PERVERTS IN THE
LOCKER ROOM / THERE WAS JUNK ALL
OVER THE FLOOR / WE’RE ALREADY
PACKED IN LIKE SARDINES / BUT WE’RE
STOPPIN’ TO PICK UP MORE - LOOK
OUT! / ANOTHER ONE RIDES THE BUS /
ANOTHER ONE RIDES THE BUS / AND
ANOTHER COMES ON, AND ANOTHER COMES
ON / ANOTHER ONE RIDES THE BUS /
Wolfman Jack and John Deacon are visibly impressed. As the
song goes into the breakdown section, members of the crowd
join in with clapping and percussion. Pee-Wee Herman does the
* “Tequila” dance. Salvador Dali plays a large fish with a
* violin bow.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
ANOTHER ONE RIDES THE BUS - OW! /
ANOTHER ONE RIDES THE BUS, HEY HEY!
/ ANOTHER ONE RIDES THE BUS, HEY-YY-Y-Y-Y!”
The whole crowd is rocking. This is history in the making.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
“THE WINDOW DOESN’T OPEN AND THE
TURNIN’ BLUE / I HAVEN’T BEEN IN A
CROWD LIKE THIS / SINCE I WENT TO
SEE THE WHO / WELL, I SHOULDA GOT
OFF A COUPLE MILES AGO / BUT I
COULDN’T GET TO THE DOOR / THERE
ISN’T ANY ROOM FOR ME TO BREATHE /
YEAH!”
ANOTHER ONE RIDES THE BUS / AND
ANOTHER COMES ON, AND ANOTHER COMES
ON / ANOTHER ONE RIDES THE BUS /
* They finish - the crowd GOES WILD. Gallagher SMASHES his
* watermelon. Wolfman Jack is in complete shock. When he
finally speaks, it’s in a soft, completely ”normal” voice.
40
41
WOLFMAN JACK:
I don’t know what to say. That was
the most beautiful thing I’ve ever
heard in my life. You truly have a
rare gift, Weird Al.
John Deacon wipes his tears away and approaches Al
respectfully.
JOHN DEACON:
Listen, mate... we’re doing a
little show called next week called
Live Aid. We would be honored if
you would join the band and sing
that song on stage with us. What do
you say?
He looks at Al hopefully. PUSH in on Al for a dramatic beat.
Then...
WEIRD AL:
Harrrrrrd PASS!!
The whole crowd LAUGHS at John Deacon. Dr. Demento makes an L
with his fingers on his forehead. Deacon turns and walks away
in shame.
A security guard grabs hold of Wolfman Jack’s arm and looks
to Demento for confirmation, then TASES Wolfman Jack and
drags him away.
As we push in on Al’s smug expression, the sound of STUDIO
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE rises.
CUT TO:
31 INT. THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW - DAY 31
OPRAH stands in front of a small section of audience holding
a microphone.
OPRAH:
“Weird Al” Yankovic is one of the
most exciting new artists in pop
music today. His self-titled debut
album, featuring the hit singles
“My Bologna,” “I Love Rocky Road”
and “Another One Rides The Bus,”
was just certified quintuple
platinum. I caught up with “the
weird one” himself when he gave me
a tour of his brand new Bel Air
mansion.
41
42
Al is taking Oprah through his giant walk-in closet, showing
off his Hawaiian shirt collection. He himself is shirtless,
with several miniature platinum records dangling over his
chest.
OPRAH:
I have never seen a collection of
Hawaiian shirts like this!
WEIRD AL:
Thanks Oprah.
(re:
shirts)This one was given to me by Bob
Dylan - cool guy... And this one
was custom-designed for me by
Giorgio Armani - he doesn’t
normally do Hawaiian shirts, but he
made an exception for me... oh, and
this one I picked up at Goodwill -
I like it ‘cause it’s covered with
humuhumunukunukuapua’as. That’s
Hawaii’s state fish, y’know.
OPRAH:
I did not know that! And what about
these necklaces you’re wearing?
WEIRD AL:
Oh, these? Yeah, I wear one solid
platinum record medallion for each
time my album went platinum. So...
one, two, three, four, five.
OPRAH:
They look heavy.
WEIRD AL:
They are SUPER uncomfortable.
FOOTAGE OF AL AND HIS BAND PERFORMING IN A HUGE ARENA.
FOOTAGE OF AL WAVING TO THRONGS OF FANS AS HE EXITS HIS
PERSONALIZED PRIVATE JET.
42
43
RONALD REAGAN AND THE POPE BRANDISH THEIR WEIRD AL ALBUMS.
OPRAH (V.O.)
Simply by taking well-known pop
songs and changing the lyrics,
Yankovic has taken the world by
storm. He has the number one album
in twenty countries around the
world, and he counts among his fans
such luminaries as President Ronald
Reagan and Pope John Paul II. Even
international drug lord Pablo
Escobar calls Weird Al his favorite
musician.
GRAINY FOOTAGE:
Pablo Escobar and a few of his soldiers fire guns in the air
set to the claps in Weird Al’s “Ricky.”
“HEY, RICKY!” (BLAM... BLAM BLAM) “HEY RICKY!” (BLAM.. BLAM
BLAM)
34 INT. SCOTTI BROS. RECORDS - DAY 34
Ben and Tony Scotti (chyroned) sit for an interview.
TONY SCOTTI:
office I immediately knew... that
kid’s got the goods.
BEN SCOTTI:
I took one look at that beautiful,
beautiful face - and without
hesitation I said, “If we don’t
sign him TODAY... I will literally
kill myself.”
43
44
INSERT:
PHOTOS OF AL ON THE COVERS OF ROLLING STONE, TIME,GQ, TIGER BEAT AND WEEKLY WORLD NEWS.
OPRAH (V.O.)
And it’s not just the record
company that’s cashing in on Weird
parodying are experiencing a
phenomenon that’s being called “The
Yankovic Bump.”
CUT TO:
35 INT. NAIL SALON - DAY - SAME TIME 35
As Oprah continues, we see MADONNA getting her nails done.
She gestures to a TV mounted on the wall.
MADONNA:
Hey, turn this up.
OPRAH (O.S.)
...The Knack, Joan Jett and even
Queen have seen their album sales
DOUBLE after Weird Al put his own
unique spin on their songs, which
begs the question: who will be
next?
We push in on Madonna’s devious expression.
MADONNA:
Who indeed...?
CUT BACK TO:
36 EXT. AL’S MANSION - POOLSIDE - DAY 36
Oprah and Al sit across from each other.
OPRAH:
Well, you really seem to have the
Midas touch. In all my years, I’ve
never seen anything quite like
this. Your parents must be very
proud.
WEIRD AL:
(lost in thought)
Yeah... My parents...
44
45
OPRAH:
Is everything okay?
WEIRD AL:
(snapping out of it)
Huh? Yeah. Yes. Of course. Whose
parents wouldn’t be proud?
The camera holds on Al, who is obviously lying to himself.
HARD CUT TO:
37 INT. YANKOVIC HOUSE - NIGHT 37
Mary answers.
MARY:
Hello?
WEIRD AL (O.C.)
Hey... Mom, it’s me.
MARY:
Alfy?
38 INT/EXT. AL’S MANSION - NIGHT - INTERCUT 38
City lights twinkle in the distance as Al stands on the
balcony of his master suite. He speaks into a large cordless
phone.
WEIRD AL:
It’s, uh, been a long time, hasn’t
it?
MARY:
We saw you on the TV.
WEIRD AL:
Crazy, right? Who would have
thought? Yeah, I’m actually gearing
up for a residency at Madison
Square Garden. Sold out, 25 nights
in a row. They’re moving the Knicks
to some hockey rink in Jersey for a
month.
MARY:
Huh!
45
46
WEIRD AL:
Yeah, livin’ the dream. I mean, to
have 20,000 people every night
singing along to my words to other
people’s music... I feel truly
alive when I’m up on that stage.
MARY:
Well, that’s nice... Are you eating
enough bran?
WEIRD AL:
What?
MARY:
It’s important. Keeps you regular.
You know how you get when you’re
not having regular B.M.s, Alfy.
WEIRD AL:
Sure.
MARY:
Good.
WEIRD AL:
Yup... So... How’s Dad?
MARY:
Oh, do you want to talk to him?
He’s right here.
REVEAL:
Nick is sitting in a chair next to Mary. He rolls hiseyes and motions that he’s not there.
WEIRD AL:
Does he want to talk to me?
MARY:
Oops, never mind. He just went into
the bathroom. I think it’s gonna be
a long one.
Nick winces. He mimes driving.
MARY (CONT’D)
Nope. Not the bathroom. He’s
outside. He just got in the car.
Want me to get him before he
leaves?
Nick violently shakes his head NO and gesticulates wildly.
Mary is getting flustered.
46
47
WEIRD AL:
Uh...
MARY:
Never mind. He’s speeding away. Oh
jeez, he just hit someone!
Nick’s eyes go wide - is she crazy?
WEIRD AL:
What??
MARY:
Not someone! It was just the
mailbox! Guess I gotta go fix the
mailbox now--
WEIRD AL:
He’s right next to you, isn’t he?
REVEAL:
Nick is gone.MARY:
Well... he was, but he just got mad
and now he’s really gone. Your
father’s a complicated man.
WEIRD AL:
Does he ever talk about me?
MARY:
Oh sure, all the time. There are so
many things he really wants to tell
you, but it’s difficult for him.
WEIRD AL:
Like what? What does he want to
tell me?
MARY:
Well, mostly, he really just wants
to let you know that... he is
WEIRD AL:
What?
MARY:
He told me to be crystal clear
about that. Also, he still thinks
your parody songs are stupid. And I
guess I don’t need to tell you how
he feels about the accordion, do I?
47
48
WEIRD AL:
Look, ma, I really-- I gotta go.
MARY:
You know, he never really wanted to
have kids.
WEIRD AL:
Okay, well, it was nice talkin’ to
ya...
MARY:
Listen, if you ever want that job
at the factory, I’m sure your dad
can pull a few strings...
WEIRD AL:
Take care now. Bye.
MARY:
Love you!
WEIRD AL:
Yep!
Al hangs up, dwells on the moment, then YELLS and throws the
phone across the room, SMASHING it. We cut wide to reveal
that Dr. Demento (still wearing his top hat) is soaking in a
hot tub in the middle of the room, eating guacamole and chips
off a tray. He’s been there the whole time.
DR. DEMENTO
Tough call with the folks, huh?
WEIRD AL:
You know, I can fire up the
downstairs hot tub for you if you’d
like.
DR. DEMENTO
Nah, don’t trouble yourself.
WEIRD AL:
It’s no trouble at all. There are
actually three other jacuzzis in
the house that aren’t here in my
bedroom.
DR. DEMENTO
Very kind of you, but honestly, I’m
good... You, on the other hand,
don’t seem to be doing well at all.
48
49
Al doesn’t at first, but pulls up a chair to the edge of the
jacuzzi.
WEIRD AL:
It’s just... All my life I’ve
wanted my father to accept me for
who I am. And I thought that if I
became this huge success it would
change things, but he still hates
everything about me... I don’t
stupid.
Dr. Demento slides the tray of chips and guacamole toward Al,
who starts snacking on them. Demento gets serious.
DR. DEMENTO
Look. You don’t have to do parodies
if you don’t want to.
WEIRD AL:
What are you talking about?
DR. DEMENTO
You can write your own music. You
think I took you under my wing just
because you did parody songs? I
could tell you were a visionary - a
true artist with so much to say to
the world. I saw something special
in you. Something that your father
doesn’t see, and that... even you
don’t see... yet.
WEIRD AL:
DR. DEMENTO
(laughing)
Of course it does! It’s LOADED with
LSD.
Al SPITS it out.
WEIRD AL:
What??
DR. DEMENTO
You need to open your heart AND
your mind. Confront your fears and
break the chains. Come with me on a
spiritual journey. Find your
inspiration!
49
50
WEIRD AL:
That is totally not cool, man! You
can’t just-- Whoa, what’s happening
to your head?
We see AL’S POV: Dr. Demento’s head now looks weirdly Ganeshlike. He has sprouted a third eye. We hear SITAR MUSIC.
DR. DEMENTO
Oh! That would be the drugs taking
effect. Just relax and ride it out -
you’ll be fine in a couple hours.
Al shuts his eyes tightly and rubs his face.
WEIRD AL:
No no no - I’m just gonna close my
eyes, and when I open them,
everything’s gonna be completely
back to--
Al opens his eyes, and we see his POV:
39 FULL-ON PSYCHEDELIC NIGHTMARE FREAK-OUT SEQUENCE 39
This is the ultimate bad LSD trip. We’re engulfed in a
nightmarish fiery hellscape haunted by the souls of the
damned - Dante’s Inferno on acid - where visions of people
who rejected Al earlier in life appear through the flames.
NICK:
What in God’s name are you doing,
boy?! Those aren’t the right words!
MARY:
Please, just stop being who you are
and doing the things you love!
* JOHNNY BARF
You suck, dude.
BEN SCOTTI:
You, Al Yankovic, are the most
untalented, pathetic loser I’ve
ever met in my entire life.
Al’s teenage friends, Kip and Robbie, appear making CLUCKING
NOISES and doing the chicken dance.
WEIRD AL:
Stop it! Leave me alone!
50
51
Suddenly, Dr. Demento floats in, Vishnu-like, as a calming
presence.
DR. DEMENTO
Alfred Yankovic. This is your time.
Trust in me, young padawan...
WEIRD AL:
Padawan?
DR. DEMENTO
Stupid word I just made up, never
mind. Just believe in yourself and
the song will come to you.
Al concentrates hard and looks as if he’s about to have a
breakthrough when Nick suddenly reappears looking extra
demonic.
NICK:
Don’t listen to him, boy! You
belong with me! In the factory! It
is your destiny!
Several monster arms enter the frame and pull Al down. He
SCREAMS.
Al is now strapped to a conveyor belt, heading directly into
the mouth of THE INDUSTRIAL SHREDDER that killed “the
McKinley kid” at his dad’s factory.
DR. DEMENTO
He’s losing his power over you!
Keep going!
WEIRD AL:
I can’t!
DR. DEMENTO
Maybe you should have a little...
Cap’n Crunch?
Dr. Demento extends a glowing bowl full of Cap’n Crunch
cereal.
WEIRD AL:
What?!
Dr. Demento taps the bowl with his spoon. The Cap’n Crunch
turns to...
DR. DEMENTO
Raisin Bran, perhaps...?
51
52
WEIRD AL:
(struggling)
No! I don’t want no Cap’n Crunch--
don’t want no Raisin Bran!
Demento now has several arms, all holding different food
items:
a bunch of bananas, chicken, pie, an egg. He addressesAl with a burning intensity.
DR. DEMENTO
Eat it. Just eat it.
AL:
I... I don’t understand!
DR. DEMENTO
(deadly serious)
Don’t you make me repeat it.
Al looks down at his feet, which are now inches away from the
shredder. He SCREAMS.
WEIRD AL:
DR. DEMENTO
(whispering)
Now you must die... in order to be
reborn.
And with that, Al is sucked into the industrial shredder.
His screams turn silent. The screen goes black.
In the distance we see an egg. We hear a muffled GUITAR RIFF
coming from inside it. As we get closer to the egg, the
guitar becomes louder and clearer - it’s the opening riff
from “Beat It/Eat It.” Finally, the egg hatches and a naked
Weird Al (covered in goo) emerges, playing an electric
guitar. He slowly raises his head, looking directly into
camera, and his face melts off, “Raiders” style.
HARD CUT TO:
40 INT. SCOTTI BROTHERS RECORDS - DAY 40
We DOLLY IN fast on Al kicking open the door to Ben and
Tony’s office. He throws them a cassette tape as he marches
toward Tony’s desk.
WEIRD AL:
Put it in.
52
53
Confused and a little frightened, Ben puts the tape in the
cassette player and presses play. We hear the first few lines
of “Eat It.”
WEIRD AL (ON TAPE) (CONT’D)
(singing)
“HOW COME YOU’RE ALWAYS SUCH A
FUSSY YOUNG MAN / DON’T WANT NO
CAPTAIN CRUNCH, DON’T WANT NO
RAISIN BRAN / WELL DON’T YOU KNOW
THAT OTHER KIDS ARE STARVING IN
JAPAN / SO EAT IT, JUST EAT IT--“
Tony reaches over and stops the tape, stone-faced.
TONY SCOTTI:
I’ve heard enough.
(painful pause)
It’s BRILLIANT!
BEN:
I’m sorry, I don’t recognize the
tune - what song are you parodying
here?
WEIRD AL:
I’m not parodying anything. This
song is completely original.
BEN SCOTTI:
Wait, you wrote the words... AND
the music?
WEIRD AL:
That’s right.
Long pause.
BEN SCOTTI:
Just to be perfectly clear, you’re
saying this is not a parody of an
existing song, but an entirely
original composition which you
wrote all by yourself?
WEIRD AL:
Yep.
BEN SCOTTI:
Not based on anybody else’s song in
any way?
53
54
WEIRD AL:
Did I stutter??
Ben shrinks. This new version of Al is a little meaner.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
I’m tired of people thinking I’m
some kind of joke. I’m done writing
parody songs. Done! From now on,
I’m only going to do totally
original music.
Al puts a cigarette in his mouth and flips open a zippo
lighter.
TONY SCOTTI:
Well, I am blown away. This is a
bold new direction. I mean, the
parodies were fine, but... you’ve
completely changed the game here.
This is gonna be your biggest hit
yet!
BEN:
(realizing)
Oh, Al, you can’t smoke in--
Al grinds out his cigarette on the back of Ben’s hand.
BEN (CONT’D)
Ow! Y’know, I totally deserved
that.
CUT TO:
The DOORBELL is ringing over and over and over. Al (now
* wearing a Hawaiian silk robe) makes his way across the large
* room.
WEIRD AL:
Okay, okay! Hold your horses!
Al irritatedly opens the door and finds Madonna posing there
(in her “Desperately Seeking Susan” look) chomping gum. Their
entire conversation is extremely flirty and sexually charged.
MADONNA:
“Weird Al” Yankovic...
WEIRD AL:
Um, do I know you?
54
55
MADONNA:
I don’t know... do you?
She blows a bubble. It pops.
WEIRD AL:
Well, that’s sort of why I’m
asking, because I’m not sure if I
do or if I--
MADONNA:
Madonna. Ring any bells?
WEIRD AL:
Oh, riiight. Madonna. Lucky Star,
Holiday, Borderline... Born in
Michigan. Catholic school girl.
Dropped out of college and moved to
New York City with nothing but the
clothes on your back and 35 dollars
in your pocket. Maybe it was to
become the “Queen of Pop,” maybe it
was to get back at Dad for marrying
the housekeeper.
MADONNA:
Wow. Sounds like you know a lot
more about me than you let on.
WEIRD AL:
What can I say? I’m full of
surprises.
She crosses into the foyer. Looks around.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
So, what brings you here, Madonna?
MADONNA:
Oh, I was just in the neighborhood.
Wanted to find out if my Map to the
Stars’ Homes was accurate.
WEIRD AL:
Guess you won’t need a refund then.
Is that... all you wanted?
Madonna eyes the gold and platinum records hanging on the
wall.
MADONNA:
No. I want a lot of things. But the
truth is, I’m a big fan of yours.
55
56
WEIRD AL:
Join the club.
MADONNA:
Have you heard my new single, “Like
a Virgin”?
WEIRD AL:
Oh, I’ve heard it. And I’m curious -
is that song... autobiographical?
Madonna turns and walks toward Al. She gets very close.
MADONNA:
Yes. Well, I’m technically a
virgin. Except for the fact that
I’ve had a lot of sex... I mean, a
LOT.
WEIRD AL:
I see.
MADONNA:
Anyway, I was wondering if you were
going to do a parody of my song?
WEIRD AL:
(coyly)
Maybe...
MADONNA:
(turned on)
I like that.
Their faces are now inches apart.
WEIRD AL:
So... would you like to see the
rest of the house?
MADONNA:
There’s only one room I’m
interested in seeing.
WEIRD AL:
Well I’m doing some work to the
bathroom, but there’s another one
downstairs.
MADONNA:
bathroom.
56
57
WEIRD AL:
Then let me show you to the laundry
room.
MADONNA:
Al Yankovic, are you playing games
with me?
WEIRD AL:
...Yes?
SMASH CUT TO:
42 INT. AL’S MANSION - MAKE OUT SPOTS - DAY 42
Al and Madonna are making out all over the house, SLAMMING
against walls, SLAMMING into the floor, crashing into
everything not bolted down. It looks incredibly intense and
sort of painful. Madonna cries out in ecstasy:
MADONNA:
Oh! You’re SO WEIRD!
DISSOLVE TO:
We see Al and Madonna in bed, exhausted, ostensibly postcoitus. They smoke while they share pillow talk.
WEIRD AL:
So... are we like boyfriend and
girlfriend now?
MADONNA:
(coyly)
Maybe...
They both LAUGH like a giddy couple in their honeymoon
period.
WEIRD AL:
Well now that things are official,
I have to be honest with you. When
I said I might do a parody of your
song? I lied.
MADONNA:
So what they’re saying is true.
You’re not doing parodies anymore.
57
58
WEIRD AL:
My song “Eat It” - which, as you
know, is 100% original - is the
biggest hit by anybody, ever. So
I’ve decided that’s all I want to
do from now on. Completely original
songs.
Madonna is disappointed, but somehow even more turned on.
MADONNA:
See, that’s what I love about you,
Al. You know what you want, and you
know how to get it... just like me.
She fixes on him with an intense, almost creepy stare. It’s
bordering on uncomfortable.
CUT TO:
We see a clip of the pool table scene from the “EAT IT” video
(Daniel’s face replaces Al’s):
WEIRD AL (IN VIDEO)
(singing)
“JUST EAT IT, EAT IT / DON’T YOU
MAKE ME REPEAT IT / HAVE A BANANA,
HAVE A WHOLE BUNCH / IT DOESN’T
MATTER WHAT YOU HAD FOR LUNCH /
JUST EAT IT, EAT IT, EAT IT, EAT IT
IT...”
We pull back to reveal the video playing on a TV in...
44 INT. DR. DEMENTO’S HOME OFFICE - DAY 44
Demento turns off the TV and sits down behind his desk,
chuckling.
DR. DEMENTO
Welp, I just got the official word -
you’ve broken the Beatles’ record
for most songs in the Billboard Top
Ten!
WEIRD AL:
(unimpressed)
Oh. Cool.
58
59
Demento was expecting a bigger reaction, but - whatever.
DR. DEMENTO
Okay! Well, I also have some very
exciting offers to, uh...
We reveal that Madonna is sitting right next to Al, fiddling
with his shirt. She’s a pretty distracting presence in the
room, and Demento is obviously uncomfortable that she’s
there. Throughout the meeting, she engages in various
inappropriate PDA with Al.
DR. DEMENTO (CONT’D)
...to discuss with you. We’ve been
getting a lot of calls.
Demento picks up a notepad and begins reading.
DR. DEMENTO (CONT’D)
Let’s see here - Led Zeppelin has
been talking about getting back
together, but they said they’d only
do it if they could open up for you
on tour.
WEIRD AL:
Oh. That’s sweet, but I already
offered the gig to Howie Mandel.
DR. DEMENTO
Yes, but this would be... um...
We see that Al and Madonna are full-on MAKING OUT. Finally
Demento CLEARS HIS THROAT to get Al’s attention.
WEIRD AL:
Look, I’m not bumping Mandel for
Zeppelin, all right? Pass!
DR. DEMENTO
Okay... Well, there’s now a serious
offer on the table for you to
replace Roger Moore in the James
Bond franchise, and I really think
it’s worth--
WEIRD AL:
NO. I’m not gonna be the new James
Bond, I’m not gonna be the new
Indiana Jones... everything I do
from here on out is going to be
original! How many times do I have
to say that?
59
60
MADONNA:
Listen, Mr. Pimento, we got places
to be. How much longer is this
gonna take?
Demento is clearly not liking this new dynamic.
DR. DEMENTO
Almost done. We also got another
request for Al to play Pablo
Escobar’s 40th birthday party.
MADONNA:
(interested)
Ooh! I saw him on the news. He’s a
really big deal.
WEIRD AL:
The drug lord? Ugh. Why is that guy
so obsessed with me?
DR. DEMENTO
He’s increased his offer to three
billion pesos.
WEIRD AL:
How much is that in American money?
Eh - never mind, I don’t feel like
doing the math. Pass.
DR. DEMENTO
Oh, I’ve already done the math. It
converts to--
WEIRD AL:
Bup, bup, bup - I can do my own
math, and I said I don’t want to.
So, pass.
Dr. Demento closes the notebook. There’s definite tension in
the room, which Madonna quickly makes worse.
MADONNA:
Hold up... Alfy, are you chewing my
gum?
WEIRD AL:
I don’t know... maybe. You wanna
come get it?
Madonna growls like a cat as she climbs on top of Al.
Demento, grossed out, pulls his top hat down over his eyes.
DISSOLVE TO:
60
61
45 INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT 45
Al and Madonna sit at a table surrounded by fancy diners in
black ties and evening gowns. They stick out like sore
thumbs.
WEIRD AL:
You don’t think things are moving
too fast with us, do you?
MADONNA:
Baby, don’t be silly. We’re soulmates. This is true love. I mean,
when you know, you know.
WEIRD AL:
You’re right. This has been the
happiest six hours of my life.
They reach across the table and hold hands. A WAITER
approaches.
WAITER:
Mr. Yankovic, you have a phone call
at the bar.
WEIRD AL:
(to Madonna)
Excuse me, my love.
Al makes his way over to the bar and picks up the phone.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
This better be good.
46 INT. SCOTTI BROS. RECORDS - NIGHT - INTERCUT 46
Tony Scotti is on the other side of the phone.
TONY SCOTTI:
Well...
WEIRD AL:
What’s going on, Tony?
TONY SCOTTI:
I thought you should hear it from
me first. Michael Jackson has just
released a new single called “Beat
It.” It’s... well, it’s a parody of
“Eat It.”
61
(MORE)
62
WEIRD AL:
(stunned, sputtering)
What the-- You mean that kid from
the Jackson Five? Why is that hasbeen trying to ride my coattails?
TONY SCOTTI:
Uh, he’s actually got a pretty
successful solo career now--
WEIRD AL:
Whatever. You’re telling me Michael
Jackson recorded a parody... of MY
SONG.
TONY SCOTTI:
Yeah, that’s what I’m saying. Same
music, different words.
WEIRD AL:
What kind of sick freak changes the
words to someone else’s song?
Tony starts to reply, but then thinks better of it.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
“Beat It,” huh? Wait, so it’s about
eggs?
TONY SCOTTI:
Well, no, it’s not even about food,
it’s about fighting...? Or avoiding
a fight? I’m not entirely--
Al angrily SLAMS the phone down on the bar several times.
SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! Other patrons look over nervously.
WEIRD AL:
What gives him the right?! Can he
even do this?
TONY SCOTTI:
I think you’re maybe overreacting a
little. Hey, this might even help
promote your song, sell a few more
records--
SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM!
WEIRD AL:
I don’t need to sell more records,
Tony! I need people to start taking
me seriously as an artist that
creates original music!
(MORE)
62
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
63
Now some idiots will probably get
confused and think “Beat It” came
first!
TONY SCOTTI:
(scoffs)
WEIRD AL:
This is a DISASTER. For the rest of
my life I’m gonna be linked to this
Michael Jackson guy.
TONY SCOTTI:
And why would that be so bad? Look,
maybe it’s a good thing. I think
it’s a huge honor, Michael’s one of
the biggest stars in the world. And
I highly doubt an association or
relationship with Michael Jackson
could ever wind up being awkward or
problematic at any point in the
future.
Tony winces as he hears: SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM!
CUT TO:
47 INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - AL’S TABLE - NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER 47
Al sits back down with Madonna.
MADONNA:
Is everything okay?
WEIRD AL:
Everything’s pretty freaking NOT
okay. I finally created something
on my own, and now people are just
going to think I’m ripping off
Michael Jackson.
(agonized soul searching)
Am I doing the right thing? Maybe I
should have stuck with parody
songs. I don’t know. I’m so
confused.
The waiter approaches with two dinners.
WAITER:
Your filet.
Al SMACKS it out of his hand. Food spills all over the floor.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
63
64
WEIRD AL:
I think I lost my appetite.
MADONNA:
Babe, you seem really upset. You
should have a drink.
WEIRD AL:
I don’t really drink.
MADONNA:
If there’s one thing I’ve learned
in life... the only thing that’ll
clear your head and make you feel
better is hard alcohol. And lots of
it.
WEIRD AL:
Well... okay. You know me better
than anyone. I trust you.
Madonna leans in to the waiter, who is on the ground,
cleaning up the mess.
MADONNA:
He’ll have a whiskey - neat.
She looks back over at Al. His head is down on the table and
he’s CRYING.
MADONNA (CONT’D)
(to waiter)
You know what - maybe you should
bring the whole bottle.
A duplicitous smile grows on her face.
48 EXT. ESTABLISHING SHOT - JOE ROBBIE STADIUM - DAY 48
We see the huge arena in Florida where Al and the band are
playing. The marquee says SOLD OUT.
49 INT. JOE ROBBIE STADIUM - STAGE - DAY 49
Jim, Steve and Bermuda are on stage, pacing and noodling
around with their instruments, looking extremely bored. Weird
Al stumbles on stage - clutching a half-empty bottle of
whiskey, EXTREMELY drunk. Madonna is with him.
WEIRD AL:
The king is here! Let’s get this
party started!
64
65
JIM:
Dude. Sound check was supposed to
WEIRD AL:
Well, I wasn’t here three hours
ago, so it’s starting now!
BERMUDA:
Whoa, is that Madonna? What’s she
doing here--
WEIRD AL:
Hey! My GIRLFRIEND has every right
to be here! We’re in LOVE, okay?
The bandmates sneak concerned looks at each other.
STEVE:
You’re drunk, aren’t you?
WEIRD AL:
I’m not drunk, YOU’RE all drunk...
JIM:
This is pointless. Hey man, why
don’t you just get out of here.
WEIRD AL:
I need to get out of here? YOU need
to get out of here.
BERMUDA:
Guys, guys, come on. Look, Al, this
is the first show of the tour, it’s
kind of a big deal - do you think
maybe you can manage not to screw
this up for everybody?
WEIRD AL:
What are you gonna do, fire me? Ha!
You guys are nothing without me.
You know why people are coming to
this show? To see ME! I’m
indispensable! You... are the
opposite of indispensable! I could
replace you with a drum machine!
(motions to Jim)
And you with a guitar machine!
(motions to Steve)
And you with... I don’t know-- some
other machine! You’re all just a
bunch of normals. I’m the weird
65
(MORE)
66
The band collectively gives up and starts walking off the
stage.
JIM:
Okay, that’s it.
STEVE:
You’ve changed, man. The fame’s
really gotten to you.
BERMUDA:
Just clean yourself up before the
show tonight, all right? You’re a
mess.
After they’ve left, Al takes another huge swig from the
bottle.
MADONNA:
(re:
band)They seem nice!
Dr. Demento hesitantly walks on stage, catching Al’s
attention.
WEIRD AL:
Oh, great, what do YOU want?
DR. DEMENTO
Uh, Al? May I talk to you for a
minute? Privately?
WEIRD AL:
Look, anything you wanna say to me,
you can say in front of my
GIRLFRIEND!
Dr. Demento acknowledges her, SIGHS, then awkwardly begins.
DR. DEMENTO
Okay then. I think Madonna is a bad
influence on you. I think she’s an
evil, conniving succubus who’s just
using you for her own pathetic,
selfish needs.
(to Madonna)
No offense.
Madonna waves it off.
DR. DEMENTO (CONT’D)
All she wants from you is that
(MORE)
66
DR. DEMENTO (CONT’D)
67
She knows her record sales will go
through the roof if you parody her.
WEIRD AL:
This woman is the best thing that’s
ever happened to me. And besides, I
already told her I wasn’t doing any
more... wasn’t doing any...
DR. DEMENTO
You’re so drunk you probably
couldn’t even GIVE her the Yankovic
bump!
WEIRD AL:
That’s not true! I’ll come up with
a parody right now! Instead of
“Like a Virgin,” it’ll be... “Like
a... Like a...” Shut up! It’s
impossible, nothing rhymes with
“virgin”!
DR. DEMENTO
Just be careful, Al. Once she’s
done with you, she’s gonna drop you
like a sack full of spoiled
cabbage.
WEIRD AL:
Shut up! Shut up!! You’re not my
DAD!
He stomps out off the stage. Demento shrugs at Madonna.
DR. DEMENTO
I never claimed that I was. Odd of
him to say that.
(beat)
I did like “Lucky Star.”
MADONNA:
Oh, thanks. Excuse me...
She runs to catch up with Al, still stumbling drunk.
MADONNA (CONT’D)
Baby, where you going?
WEIRD AL:
Gotta go for a little drive. On my
own. Clear my mind.
DR. DEMENTO (CONT’D)
67
68
MADONNA:
No, honey, stop! Wait! You can’t do
that... without your car keys!
She smiles and hands him a ring of keys.
CUT TO:
50 EXT. LONG LONESOME ROAD - EARLY EVENING 50
Teary-eyed, Al drives recklessly down the road while taking
swigs from his whiskey bottle. He CLICKS on the radio to
distract himself from the travails of superstardom. We hear:
RADIO DJ:
(laughing)
Wow, well, we can’t wait. Weird Al
hits the stage at Joe Robbie
Stadium tonight at eight o’clock,
and it’s gonna be off the
chaaaaaaain--
Al disgustedly changes the station. It’s playing “EAT IT.” He
changes it again. “I LOVE ROCKY ROAD.” He changes it again.
“ANOTHER ONE RIDES THE BUS.” He changes it again. It’s the
SPANISH STATION. Al smiles... finally, an escape!
SPANISH DJ:
(rapidly, in Spanish)
This is ground-breaking. Earthshattering. We have never seen or
heard anything like this since the
dawn of mankind. Ladies and
gentlemen, witness the power and
majesty of Mr. “Weird Al” Yankovic!
Al rolls his eyes when he realizes the DJ is talking about
him. He changes it again. “I LOST ON JEOPARDY.” He changes it
again. “MY BOLOGNA.” Al changes it again, back to the
original station. He looks down as he begins lighting a
cigarette with both hands.
RADIO DJ:
--multi-platinum smash hit
recording artist “Weird Al”
Yankovic. I tell ya, there’s just
no stopping that guy - Weird Al can
do no wrong!
When Al finally looks up, he sees headlights coming straight
for him. He jerks the wheel and SCREAMS as we...
SMASH CUT TO:
68
69
51 INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - NIGHT 51
We’re back at the first scene of the movie. A GURNEY carrying
Weird Al crashes through double doors and barrels down a long
hallway, escorted by a team of frantic paramedics.
CUT TO:
52 INT. OPERATING ROOM - NIGHT 52
They ZAP Al with defibrillator pads. No response.
DOCTOR:
Okay, let’s call it. Time of death,
seven thir--
Suddenly, the monitor BEEPS back to life and Weird Al bolts
upright, SCREAMING. The doctors are taken aback. Al realizes
where he is, takes it all in, and then... inspiration
strikes.
WEIRD AL:
Quick! I need some paper... and a
number two pencil!
REVEAL:
Madonna is there to hand it to him.MADONNA:
Here you go, baby.
Al starts scribbling lyrics furiously. The doctors are
concerned.
DOCTOR:
Uh... ma’am, I don’t think he’s in
any condition to be doing this
right now--
MADONNA:
Look, there’s no time! He’s got a
show in thirty minutes!
CUT TO:
53 INT. JOE ROBBIE STADIUM - STAGE - NIGHT 53
The lights come up on Weird Al’s band, playing the opening to
* “LIKE A SURGEON.” Al is dressed in O.R. scrubs, writhing
* around on a hospital bed. Male dancers wearing cone-bras are
doing a choreographed routine around it (a la the performance
from Madonna’s Blonde Ambition Tour). The crowd is losing
their minds.
69
70
WEIRD AL:
(singing)
“I FINALLY MADE IT THROUGH MED
SCHOOL / SOMEHOW I MADE IT THROUGH
/ I’M JUST AN INTERN / I STILL MAKE
A MISTAKE OR TWO / I WAS LAST IN MY
INSTITUTE / NOW I’M TRYING TO AVOID
MALPRACTICE SUIT”
We see Madonna watching from the wings of the stage with a
satisfied look on her face. This is exactly what she wanted.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
(singing)
“HEY, LIKE A SURGEON / CUTTIN’ FOR
SURGEON / ORGAN TRANSPLANTS ARE MY
LINE / BETTER GIVE ME ALL YOUR
FADING FAST / COMPLICATIONS HAVE
SET IN / DON’T KNOW HOW LONG HE’LL
LAST / LET ME SEE THAT I.V. / HERE
WE GO, TIME TO OPERATE / I’LL PULL
HIS INSIDES OUT / PULL HIS INSIDES
OUT AND SEE WHAT HE ATE / LIKE A
SURGEON, HEY! / CUTTIN’ FOR THE
VERY FIRST TIME / LIKE A SURGEON /
HERE’S A WAIVER FOR YOU TO SIGN”
The band keeps playing as Al stumbles over to Madonna.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
This is all for you, baby! I love
you so much--
He starts to collapse and Madonna props him up.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
I think I should have stuck around
for that blood transfusion. I feel
like I’m gonna pass out.
MADONNA:
You’re killing it, babe! Now get
back out there!
* Madonna signals to Al’s dancers who carry him back on stage.
70
71
WEIRD AL:
(singing)
SURGEON / WHEN I REACH INSIDE /
WITH MY SCALPEL, AND MY FORCEPS,
AND RETRACTORS / OH OH, OH OH, WHOA
OH / OOH BABY, YEAH / I CAN HEAR
YOUR HEARTBEAT / FOR THE VERY LAST
TIME...”
* Al collapses. The crowd goes WILD. The dancers carry him
backstage.
54 INT. JOE ROBBIE STADIUM - BACKSTAGE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS 54
Madonna hands him a bottle - he swigs from it.
MADONNA:
Come on, babe, you’ve got a costume
change - one more song, then we can
go home and sleep it off.
Madonna helps him to his feet and helps remove his scrubs.
Underneath, Al is wearing nothing but tight leather pants. He
looks up and sees his wardrobe assistant walking toward him
carrying his RED “EAT IT” JACKET. Al looks at it with great
disdain.
WEIRD AL:
Wait - what is this? I’m not
wearing that.
MADONNA:
It’s your “Eat It” jacket, babe.
WEIRD AL:
Not any more it’s not. That’s a
Michael Jackson jacket now! I don’t
want to look at it, get that thing
out of my face!
The wardrobe assistant is dumbfounded - she takes it away. Al
starts staggering toward the stage, bare-chested.
MADONNA:
Honey, wait! Aren’t you forgetting
something?
She hands Al a fresh bottle of whiskey. Al drunkenly blows
her a kiss and stumbles back onto the stage.
CUT TO:
71
72
55 INT. JOE ROBBIE STADIUM - STAGE - NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER 55
The band starts playing “Eat It” as Al enters, chugging
whiskey. He pulls the bottle away from his mouth and SPITSPRAYS into the air. The song clumsily falls apart as the
band notices his condition. The audience starts to BOO. Al
grabs the microphone.
WEIRD AL:
Oh, BOOOOOOO! BOOOOOOOO! Right?
That’s you guys! BOOOOOOOOO!
The BOOS continue.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
Oh, what - you wanna hear “Eat It”?
Do ya?!
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
Okay, here you go!
He makes a LOUD, WET FART SOUND into the microphone.
The crowd goes back to BOOING. Al goes on a drunken Jim
Morrison-style rant.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
You’re all a bunch of slaaaaves!
You’re idiots! You’re morons! But
oh, you paid good money to see the
show? You worked your little butts
off at some dangerous factory? God
only knows what they make there!
Nobody’ll tell ya that!
Al’s bandmates look around at each other, shrug, and launch
into a Doors-like GROOVE. The booing calms down.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
You like getting pushed around? You
like letting everybody push you
around? I think you do! You like
letting your DAD push you around?
You like letting MICHAEL JACKSON
push you around? Well... what are
you gonna do about it?! What are
you gonna do about it?! What are
you gonna doooo...
Al chugs more whiskey. POLICE OFFICERS begin gathering in the
wings.
72
73
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
So, do you wanna see it?
The audience CHEERS. Al starts gyrating his hips.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
You want me to show it to you?!
More CHEERS.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
I’m gonna whip it out! You don’t
think I’ll do it, do you? I haven’t
whipped it out yet, but I’m gonna
whip it out for you... but only if
you realllly want me to.
The crowd starts chanting “WHIP IT OUT! WHIP IT OUT!”
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
All right, here goes...
Al turns around and bends over. The cops are ready to pounce.
When he stands back up and spins around we see that he’s...
HOLDING HIS ACCORDION!
Cops rush the stage and TACKLE Al to the ground. SQUOOOONK!
CUT TO:
CONNIE CHUNG sits in front of an unflattering photo of Al
with the graphic: “WEIRD ALCOHOLIC?”
CONNIE CHUNG:
president’s address, but we have
breaking news. Parody songsmith
“Weird Al” Yankovic was arrested
earlier tonight in Miami-Dade
County for lewd behavior. We bring
you now to the jail...
57 EXT. MIAMI-DADE COUNTY JAIL - NIGHT 57
LIVE news camera footage of Madonna escorting Weird Al out of
the jail. They’re surrounded by shouting reporters and
paparazzi. Al is still shirtless, with a blanket draped over
his shoulders.
73
(MORE)
74
MADONNA:
Give him some space, you vultures!
Can’t you see he’s in pain?!
She pushes Al into the back of a limo as the cameras continue
flashing.
CLOSE ON:
A coffee mug is refilled.Al and Madonna sit across from each other. Madonna is
excitedly pitching future plans, while Al - now sobered up
but looking like he’s been through the wringer - passively
goes along with them. He’s in a very fragile place,
emotionally vulnerable, near tears.
MADONNA:
So here’s my thought - I really
think this is a great idea, I hope
you like it... We team up, right?
I’ll write all the... y’know,
“good” songs - the real songs - and
then you follow them up every time
with a parody! Bam! Bam! It’s
perfect.
WEIRD AL:
(smiling weakly)
Sounds great.
MADONNA:
It’s foolproof. We’ll be
unstoppable. We’ll be the hottest
power couple in the entire music
industry. What would our power
couple name be? I’m thinking
“Madankovic,” or maybe
“Madonnavic”... Or maybe just
“Madonna!” Ah, there’ll be time to
figure all that out. But can you
imagine the world tour? “MADONNA...
with Weird Al.” All that money.
* Ooh, I just got the tingles. But, I
mean, you’re okay with all this,
right?
WEIRD AL:
(long sigh)
Look, babe, I’m seriously okay with
anything you want to do... I mean,
look at me. I’m a train wreck. I’m
barely holding it together.
(MORE)
74
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
75
My parents wrote me off... I pushed
away my band, Dr. Demento, everyone
who was important to me... You’re
all I’ve got. You are literally the
only thing I’ve got left. If
anything happened to you... I don’t
know what I’d do.
Madonna smiles appreciatively... and a BAG GOES OVER HER
HEAD. She’s being kidnapped! Two men in ski masks drag her
out of her seat, kicking and SCREAMING. Al stands up in a
* panic - what’s going on here? A guy in a nearby booth stands
* up and points an Uzi right at Al.
Relax, Mr. Yankovic. We just want
to borrow your girlfriend. Just
stay calm and nothing will happen
to you.
Al starts SOBBING and freaking out.
WEIRD AL:
Oh please, sir... oh please...
whatever you do...
With lightning fast reflexes, Al kicks the butt of the gun,
sending a string of bullets into the ceiling.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
(suddenly ice cold)
Don’t hurt me.
He grabs his mug off the table and splashes hot coffee in the
waiter’s face. He goes down.
Al turns to see the masked men dragging Madonna out the door.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
MADONNA!
Two sets of hands grab onto Al’s shoulders. It’s the guys
that were sitting at the table behind him. This was all a
trap! It’s Al versus everyone in the restaurant.
* Like John Wick in a Hawaiian Shirt, Al stomps down and breaks
* one of their legs. He goes down SCREAMING. Al smashes a
* coffee mug on the other guy’s head and lays him out.
* The diner patron gets back up and tries to tackle Al. They
* fight their way across the diner before Al gets the better of
* him and throws him into a jukebox. Sparks fly.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
75
76
When Al looks up, a short order cook is running at him with a
raised kitchen knife. Al grabs a metal napkin holder off the
table and launches it at the cook’s face so hard it knocks
him backwards off his feet.
* Al jumps over the counter and fights two more cooks. He gets
one of them tangled in his apron and then runs his head down
the counter, smashing through cake displays.
* Another large cook comes out of the kitchen with a frying
* pan. After a brutal fight, Al comes out on top and presses
* the cooks face into a panini press. It sizzles as his arms
flail. Then they stop.
Al DINGS the bell on the counter.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
Order up.
Al runs out into the street, just in time to see a windowless
van pulling away. One of the ski-masked assailants leans out
of the back and yells to him:
KIDNAPPER:
PABLO ESCOBAR SENDS HIS REGARDS!
He LAUGHS and SLAMS the back door. Al stands in the middle of
the street, silently watching the van as it burns rubber down
the road. Then he says with grim determination:
WEIRD AL:
Pablo Escobar... you just made the
biggest mistake of your life.
DISSOLVE TO:
59 OMITTED 59
A60 EXT. JUNGLE - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY A60
Beautiful aerial footage of a lush jungle. It’s peaceful...
but not for long.
Two guards armed with assault rifles patrol the jungle. They
speak to each other in subtitled Spanish.
76
77
GUARD 1
(swatting his neck)
Ugh. Getting eaten alive out here.
(then)
Hey, you got a smoke?
GUARD 2
Yeah, here you go.
As he lights his partner’s cigarette, we hear a twig SNAP in
the distance. The guards perk up.
GUARD 1
You hear that?
GUARD 2
(pointing)
Yeah, I think it came from over
there.
The guards raise their rifles and step away from their
vehicle, slowly entering the jungle.
ANGLE ON:
Their boots CRUNCH on the ground below. It’simpossible to move through this jungle undetected.
They both come to a stop and survey the area. Beads of sweat
drip from their brows. It’s tense.
We hear another twig SNAP.
GUARD 1
OVER THERE!
Pointing their weapons at the same target, they both UNLOAD
THEIR CLIPS! When the dust settles...
GUARD 2
We got him.
They relax their weapons and walk over to the dead body, give
it a kick...
GUARD 1
Wait a second. This isn’t a man...
We reveal the body on the ground...
GUARD 1 (CONT’D)
It’s a hay boy!
Ninja-like, Weird Al drops down from the trees, landing
behind them.
77
78
He grabs one of the guards from behind and uses his gun to
shoot the other, then breaks that guard’s neck. Al bends down
and picks up a weapon.
WEIRD AL:
This’ll do.
CUT TO:
62 INT. PABLO ESCOBAR’S COMPOUND - DAY 62
Al kicks the door in and is surprised to find a large
BIRTHDAY PARTY in progress. Balloons, streamers, a piñata,
and a huge banner that reads HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PABLO! Pablo
Escobar is happily celebrating - he’s front and center at the
table (think “The Last Supper”) with Madonna bound and gagged
at his side, and a dozen or so sicarios and henchmen wearing
dopey party hats. A three-piece MARIACHI BAND is playing. Al
sets his gaze on the drug lord.
WEIRD AL:
ESCOBAR!
Escobar speaks loudly over the music.
PABLO ESCOBAR:
Ah, Mr. Yankovic! We were expecting
you. Welcome! As you know, I’m a
huge fan of your music. You’re very
big in this country. I got all your
albums through the Columbia House
Record Club. Twelve for a penny -
great deal! Anyway, I hope that you
will forgive me for kidnapping your
lovely girlfriend, but it seems
that was the only way I could
guarantee that you’d show up at my
birthday party. Your agent is a
real nightmare to deal with. Excuse
me, let me just turn down the
music...
He SHOOTS his gun over the heads of the band - they duck,
cover, and run for the exit.
PABLO ESCOBAR (CONT’D)
That’s better, now I can hear
myself think. Anyway, we’re just
about to cut the cake - can I offer
you a slice?
Al’s still trying to process all this.
78
79
WEIRD AL:
Uh - no. No cake.
PABLO ESCOBAR:
Fine. Well, more for us! Haha!
WEIRD AL:
I just want my woman. Then I’ll go.
PABLO ESCOBAR:
I’m afraid that’s not how this
works, Mr. Yankovic. You can’t
leave until you perform for us.
WEIRD AL:
No dice. Not gonna happen. I’m not
your monkey...
Madonna has managed to get the gag out of her mouth.
MADONNA:
I can do “Borderline”...
Pablo waves her off - not interested.
PABLO ESCOBAR:
Really, Mr. Yankovic - why all the
drama? You’re already here. Just
sing one measly song for us, and
we’ll let you go. Just one song.
How about... that wonderful Michael
Jackson parody you did.
Oops. Wrong thing to say. There’s fire in Al’s eyes.
WEIRD AL:
That’s. Not. A. PARODY!!!
Al OPENS FIRE on the narcos - a brief gun battle ensues in
which all of Pablo’s men are killed. It’s insanely violent.
Weird Al lights these dudes up.
PABLO ESCOBAR:
Stop! Stop stop stop!
Cease fire. Pablo looks around at his men on the ground.
PABLO ESCOBAR (CONT’D)
Well, first of all... RUDE... and
second of all, if you really,
really don’t want to entertain us,
fine. You and your lady-friend can
just leave.
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80
WEIRD AL:
(taken aback)
So... we can go now?
PABLO ESCOBAR:
Oh, sure, whenever you like...
PSYCH!
Pablo Escobar SHOOTS Al in the chest. He drops to the ground.
MADONNA:
NOOOOO!
PABLO ESCOBAR:
Very unfortunate. He was a god
among men, but now - worm food. Oh
well! Back to the party! Shall we
cut the cake?
Pablo swivels the cake around and shows it to Madonna - it
looks like a cake for a 7-year-old (”HAPPY 40th PABLO! YOU’RE
AWESOME!”)
Al’s eyes open. He slowly staggers back up.
WEIRD AL:
Pablo, you forgot one thing...
Al rips his shirt open. We see the bullet lodged in one of
Al’s platinum medallions.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
I’m certified platinum.
Escobar is in shock. Al yanks the chain off his neck and all
the medallions drop to the ground in slow motion. All but
one. Al brandishes it.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
Hey, Escobar... Eat it.
Al flings the remaining medallion at Pablo and it embeds
vertically in his forehead. A single drop of blood runs down
his face and he falls backwards to the ground. Madonna looks
at Al in disbelief. He runs over and starts untying her.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
Come on, let’s get out of here...
Lemme just grab these necklaces.
Madonna stands and surveys the carnage as Al pulls the
platinum medallion out of Escobar’s forehead.
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81
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
Gross.
He wipes the blood off on the leg of his pants. And heads off
to collect the rest.
MADONNA:
You just killed Pablo Escobar!
WEIRD AL:
Yeah, I know. I’ve killed so many
people this week. Before last
Thursday, I never really killed
anyone. Huh, the things we do for
love, right?
Al’s already half-way to the door, but Madonna hasn’t moved.
She’s lost in thought. He turns back.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
Come on!
MADONNA:
Wait, wait... Just... hear me out
here. With Escobar out of the
picture, maybe... maybe WE can run
the drug cartel.
WEIRD AL:
What are you-- what??
MADONNA:
Supply and demand, baby. Look,
SOMEBODY’S gotta run the cartel.
And it might as well be me-- US!
WEIRD AL:
You can’t be serious. What about
all our plans... writing songs
together, touring together...?
MADONNA:
Yeah, but why rule the music
industry when we can rule the
WORLD?! All the money and power is
right here.
WEIRD AL:
Madonna, that’s... No way. My life
is in America. And my family would
never forgive me if I became
involved in a drug cartel.
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(MORE)
82
MADONNA:
Your family has already disowned
you, Al. I’m all you’ve got,
remember? And we’ll still be
together. I’ll be the head of the
cartel, and... and you’ll be my
number two!
WEIRD AL:
...Your number two?
Suddenly it all becomes very clear to Al.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
I can’t believe this. Dr. Demento
was right. You WERE just using me
to further your career, weren’t
you?
MADONNA:
Well... Yeah. My relationship with
you was a business decision. So is
this. It’s all just... business.
WEIRD AL:
Wow. Well... okay, then, that’s it,
I guess. Um, have a nice life.
Al reluctantly turns to go. A bullet WHIZZES past his head.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
WHOA!!
Al turns around and sees Madonna holding Escobar’s gun. She
looks a little crazy.
MADONNA:
(starting to weep)
You know I can’t let you leave, Al.
You know too much.
WEIRD AL:
What are you talking about??
More bullets WHIZ past him. They hit bags of cocaine which
are piled up by the door, creating a cloud of white dust.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
Whoa!! STOP that!!
MADONNA:
We could have been such a beautiful
team.
(MORE)
82
MADONNA (CONT’D)
83
And by the way, I decided I do like
“Weirdonna” better than
“Madankovic.” But that’s all over
now. Our partnership is officially
dissolved.
She FIRES more shots. They miss, but hit more bags of coke,
creating a larger cloud.
WEIRD AL:
Goodbye, Madonna.
Al sadly disappears through the cloud of white powder. When
Madonna runs out of bullets, she drops the gun and SOBS while
doing “VOGUE” moves with her hands.
Al solemnly walks back though the jungle staring at the sun
through the trees.
GRIZZLED NARRATOR (V.O.)
Yeah, I had a lot of soul-searching
to do. Was I a parody singer? An
original artist? The most dangerous
assassin in the world? Maybe I had
lost my way. Don’t get me wrong,
there were things I loved about
being Weird Al... the fame, the
money, the fancy dinners, joining
the Illuminati, going to the
Illuminati holiday party, learning
the truth about the moon landing
and JFK... but without my family,
none of that mattered. I knew what
I had to do.
DISSOLVE TO:
64 EXT. THE FACTORY - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY 64
We finally catch a glimpse of the miserable factory where
Nick Yankovic works. Brick buildings. Smokestacks. Definitely
doesn’t look like it belongs in Southern California.
CLOSE ON:
A time-card punches in and is placed in a rack. Itreads “Alfred Yankovic.”
MADONNA (CONT’D)
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84
Al, now wearing a blue work uniform like the one we saw his
dad wearing earlier, is being ushered to his work station by
a FLOOR MANAGER. There are buttons and levers and cranks and
lots of SPARKS flying everywhere.
FLOOR MANAGER:
It’s pretty simple. When the light
turns green, you turn this crank to
the left. When it turns red, you
stop and pull this lever down. When
it turns green again, you push the
lever up and turn the crank back to
the right, and... Yep, that’s it.
Lunch is at 12:
30.WEIRD AL:
Hey, can I ask you a question?
FLOOR MANAGER:
Sure.
WEIRD AL:
What exactly do we make at this
factory?
FLOOR MANAGER:
(laughing)
Your old man said you were funny.
(walking away)
Ha! That’s a good one...
Al watches him go, then turns back to his station. The light
turns green, he cranks left. SPARKS. The light turns red, he
pulls the lever. SPARKS. He lets out a SIGH. Repeat. Repeat.
A SIREN BLARES. Al looks to the other end of the factory. A
worker has just been torn to pieces by a machine. Factory
workers scramble around, slip on the blood. Al continues to
mindlessly turn cranks and pulls levers as he watches the
mayhem.
NICK (O.C.)
Hey...
Al turns around and finds himself face to face with his
father for the first time in years.
NICK (CONT’D)
You got a minute?
Al stares at him for an uncomfortable beat.
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85
WEIRD AL:
Well? What? You wanna take a swing,
old man?
NICK:
No. It’s just... What are you doing
here?
WEIRD AL:
What am I doing here. Really? My
whole life, I’ve been trying to
please you. But I was never enough.
You were always disappointed in
your weird son. So yeah, I gave up
the most successful music career in
history to come work at this
miserable factory. Because that’s
exactly what you’ve always wanted.
And it’s STILL not good enough for
you?
NICK:
Look. I appreciate what you’re
doing here, but... this isn’t the
life for you.
WEIRD AL:
What, I’m not even good at turning
cranks?!
NICK:
Alfred, that’s not what I’m
saying...
WEIRD AL:
Well, what are you saying then?!
NICK:
I was wrong to stand in your way.
This isn’t what you’re meant for.
You’re special. You’re Weird Al.
And you’re my son. And I wanted to
tell you... I’m so proud of you.
Music SWELLS as Nick starts unbuttoning his uniform.
WEIRD AL:
Wait - what are you doing?
Nick opens his uniform up and reveals what he’s wearing
underneath:
A HAWAIIAN SHIRT. Al is confused. Emotions areswirling around in his head.
With tears in their eyes, the two men hug.
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86
ANOTHER SIREN BLARES. Screams can be heard from the other end
of the factory. Nick pulls away from the hug.
NICK:
I’m gonna have to go help clean up
the blood. Why don’t you come by
the house for dinner tonight? Mom’d
love to see you.
Al watches as Nick hurries away.
66 INT. YANKOVIC HOUSE - EVENING 66
Al and his parents are having a lovely dinner at home (NOTE:
Mary has literally gained about a hundred pounds since we
last saw her). They really seem to be enjoying each other’s
company - all the wounds have now healed. They LAUGH as they
sing dumb parody songs together.
NICK:
Or how about this one...
(singing)
“JINGLE BELLS, BATMAN SMELLS /
WEIRD AL & NICK
(singing)
“THE BATMOBILE LOST A WHEEL / AND
WEIRD AL:
(laughing)
Ah. All-time classic.
NICK:
So. Your mother tells me you’re
dating that singer Madonna!
WEIRD AL:
Oh. Um, no. We broke up.
MARY:
Oh honey, I’m sorry. What happened?
WEIRD AL:
It’s... complicated.
NICK:
Well... lotta fish in the sea,
right, son? So tell us, what’s it
like, being you? Being a worldfamous superstar and all?
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87
WEIRD AL:
Well, it’s fun, but it’s also a lot
of pressure. The hardest part for
me is just coming up with new
songs. I never know where my next
idea is gonna come from. And
honestly... well, it’s been a
while. I cancelled my tour. I
burned a lot of bridges. The next
song I write, I’m gonna have to
prove myself to the world all over
again... and I just don’t even know
if I have it in me anymore.
MARY:
Nonsense. I’m sure that next big
idea is just right there in front
of you.
WEIRD AL:
Thanks, I hope so. Anyway, uh...
mom, I wasn’t going to say
anything, but... I can’t help but
notice you’ve put on a couple
pounds.
NICK:
Alfred!
MARY:
(laughing)
No, it’s okay, Nick. It’s not like
it’s a secret or anything.
NICK:
Well, sweetie, I think you look
better with a little meat on your
bones. You’re pleasingly plump.
MARY:
Oh, stop it. You know I’m fat. I’m
fat! You know it.
Mary and Nick look at Al expectantly. Beat. No reaction.
WEIRD AL:
(re:
their stares)What?
NICK:
(moving on)
Well, this is a lovely dinner
spread. What kind of sandwiches are
these, honey? Ham on...? ham on...?
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88
MARY:
Ham on whole wheat!
NICK:
All right!
Nick picks up a sandwich and takes a big bite. Al’s still
oblivious. He decides to bring up a tender subject.
WEIRD AL:
You know, Dad, Mom told me a long
time ago that... well, that you had
a reason for always being so hard
on me.
Nick and Mary share a look.
MARY:
I think it’s time, dear.
NICK:
All right.
Nick leaves the table, and a moment later, PLOPS a thousandpage hand-written manuscript down on it.
NICK (CONT’D)
I wrote it all down here. This
should explain everything.
WEIRD AL:
(not loving this idea)
Yeah, um... Do you have maybe,
like, a photo album or something
instead? Maybe just go over the
bullet points?
NICK:
Well... I don’t have a photo album,
but I do have a SKETCH book.
WEIRD AL:
A sketch book?
Nick brings that to the table and opens it up to an
illustration of an Amish barn raising.
NICK:
There weren’t any cameras around
when I was growing up, because you
see... I was raised Amish.
WEIRD AL:
What, really??
88
89
We go tight in on the sketch, until it fills the screen and
comes to life as Nick tells his story.
What follows is a MOTION-GRAPHIC ANIMATED SEQUENCE of Nick’s
flashback, drawn in the crude style of the illustrations.
MOTION GRAPHIC ANIMATED SEQUENCE
We pull back from a shot of Amish people raising a barn to
reveal YOUNG NICK (9) sitting in front of an easel, sketching
the scene. But then we reveal that, along with his
traditional Amish clothing, he’s wearing a fake “Groucho”
nose and glasses. An Amish elder busts Young Nick and angrily
removes the glasses, scolding him harshly.
NICK (V.O.)
Yep, I grew up Amish, lived in the
community for the first 16 years of
my life. And frankly, I don’t think
I ever really fit in because, well,
if I’m being honest... I was just
as weird as YOU when I was a kid.
Young Nick and his family are in church, sitting in a pew
singing hymns. Nick is smiling as he sings - the people all
around him gradually stop singing and stare at him in horror.
NICK (V.O.)
I even made up new words to the
hymns that we sang during church
services. That didn’t go over too
well.
We see Young Nick in the stockades. In the rain.
NICK (V.O.)
I was in the stockades for a week.
We see Teenage Nick (16) packing suitcases in his room.
NICK (V.O.)
Then, when I was a few years older,
I was able to go on Rumspringa.
Teenage Nick walks down a city street, staring open-mouthed
at everything.
NICK (V.O.)
I finally had a chance to go out
into the great big world and see
what it had to offer.
Teenage Nick looks into a store window - his eyes go wide.
89
90
NICK (V.O.)
And that’s when I saw the love of
my life...
We see what he’s staring at: a beautiful accordion.
NICK (V.O.)
A 1933 Excelsior. The finest
accordion there ever was.
We see him buying the instrument from the storekeeper.
NICK (V.O.)
Cost me every penny I had in the
world, but it was worth it.
The animation match cuts to an illustration in the book,
which is lowered, bringing us back to the dinner table.
WEIRD AL:
Wait, YOU had an ACCORDION?
NICK:
Yep. And I got pretty good on it
too. I wasn’t bad.
MARY:
I thought I was the love of your
life.
NICK:
You come later, dear. Anyway...
Back to the book and the animated flashbacks.
Teenage Nick energetically busks with his accordion on a
street corner, with his case open for change. People walk by,
ignoring him or cruelly mocking him. He has a drink THROWN IN
NICK (V.O.)
I tried for months to make it as a
professional musician, but it just
wasn’t in God’s plan. Failure
mocked me at every waking moment.
A gang of street toughs throw him and his accordion in a
dumpster.
NICK (V.O.)
I knew that I had to give up my
dream and go back to the only life
I knew.
90
91
Teenage Nick, wearing his accordion, knocks on the door of an
Amish church. When the door opens and the people inside see
the instrument, they are horrified and deeply offended - one
woman faints. They slam the door shut in poor Nick’s face.
NICK (V.O.)
But when I tried to come back to
the Amish community... well, the
second they saw that squeeze box, I
was immediately excommunicated.
Banished forever.
Teenage Nick, now homeless, warms himself in front of a
burning trash can. He throws the accordion in. We PUSH IN on
the flames reflecting in his eyes.
NICK (V.O.)
My whole world was torn away from
me. And all I knew was, I never
wanted to see another accordion
again for as long as I lived.
We see Teenage Nick approaching the same factory he works at
today. As a HEARSE drives off, a “HELP WANTED” sign goes up.
NICK (V.O.)
So I got a job at the factory - a
place where I knew you could get an
honest day’s wages for an honest
day’s work.
Back to the dinner table.
NICK:
And shortly after that, I met your
mother - the new love of my life.
Mary smiles.
WEIRD AL:
Wow, dad, I never knew.
NICK:
Well, of course not, how could you,
I just told you. Anyway, I hope you
can forgive me, and I hope you
understand, son. See, I lost
everything, and I was just
terrified that you would suffer the
same sad fate. I didn’t want you to
get your dreams crushed, so I felt
like I had to crush your IDEAS...
before they could turn INTO dreams.
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92
WEIRD AL:
(very confused)
That makes sense.
As Al lifts the sketch book onto the table, two time-worn
pieces of paper fall out.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
Whoops.
Nick’s eyes widen as Al bends to pick them up. He hasn’t seen
these papers in a long time.
NICK:
Uh, hey, you don’t have to, uh--
WEIRD AL:
(reading)
“Amish Paradise?”
NICK:
Ok, just hand them over to--
WEIRD AL:
Wait... are these song lyrics?
Nick is caught.
NICK:
It’s just a little something I
wrote back then. It’s dumb.
Whatever. You can just throw them
out--
Al shushes Nick, waving him off as he scans the lyrics in
awe. Nick looks at Mary and then nervously giggles to
himself.
WEIRD AL:
Dad, these lyrics, they’re...
they’re like a window into your
soul. I don’t know that I’ve ever
felt more connected to you in my
entire life...
Nick is moved.
NICK:
perform it myself. The dream had
already died. I was kinda thinking -
no, never mind. I guess no one will
ever get to hear this song...
92
(MORE)
93
WEIRD AL:
(eureka moment)
That’s it! That’s IT! Mom! What did
you say about being fat? Like a
minute ago?
MARY:
(a little annoyed)
We’re on to something else now.
NICK:
having a moment here.
Confused, Al looks back down at the lyrics as his parents
continue berating him. We hear the MUSIC of “Gangstas
Paradise/Amish Paradise” fade in as we...
CUT TO:
* 67 INT. AWARDS SHOW - NIGHT 67
Al is on stage, performing his Coolio parody, “Amish
Paradise.”
* Al and his bandmates are all dressed in traditional Amish
garb, wearing large fake beards. A full Amish chorus sings
behind them - it’s a huge, flashy production.
WEIRD AL:
(singing)
“WE’VE BEEN SPENDING MOST OUR LIVES
/ LIVING IN AN AMISH PARADISE /
I’VE CHURNED BUTTER ONCE OR TWICE /
LIVING IN AN AMISH PARADISE / IT’S
HARD WORK AND SACRIFICE / LIVING IN
AN AMISH PARADISE / WE SELL QUILTS
AT DISCOUNT PRICE / LIVING IN AN
AMISH PARADISE”
Al and his band look at each other with enormous grins. WEIRD
AL IS BACK!
We PAN across some happy faces in the crowd and wind up on
COOLIO, who is staring daggers at Al.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
(singing)
“HITCHIN’ UP THE BUGGY, CHURNIN’
LOTS OF BUTTER / RAISED A BARN ON
MONDAY, SOON I’LL RAISE ANUTTER /
THINK YOU’RE REALLY RIGHTEOUS?
(MORE)
93
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
94
/ WELL, I KNOW I’M A MILLION TIMES
AS HUMBLE AS THOU ART / I’M THE
PIOUS GUY THE LITTLE AMLETTES WANNA
BE LIKE / ON MY KNEES DAY AND NIGHT
SCORIN’ POINTS FOR THE AFTERLIFE /
SO DON’T BE VAIN AND DON’T BE WHINY
/ OR ELSE, MY BROTHER, I MIGHT HAVE
TO GET MEDIEVAL ON YOUR HEINIE”
Dr. Demento and Tony Scotti are also in the audience,
enjoying the show.
CUT TO:
68 INT. YANKOVIC HOUSE - NIGHT 68
Al’s parents proudly watch the broadcast from home.
MARY:
That’s our boy.
NICK:
(beat)
Man. I should have kept the
publishing rights.
CUT BACK TO:
* 69 INT. AWARDS SHOW - NIGHT 69
WEIRD AL:
(singing)
“WE BEEN SPENDING MOST OUR LIVES /
LIVING IN AN AMISH PARADISE / WE’RE
ALL CRAZY MENNONITES / LIVING IN AN
AMISH PARADISE / THERE’S NO COPS OR
TRAFFIC LIGHTS / LIVING IN AN AMISH
PARADISE / BUT YOU’D PROBABLY THINK
PARADISE.”
The song ends and the crowd erupts into wild CHEERS and
APPLAUSE. Al and the band head backstage with their arms
around each other.
JIM:
It’s great to have you back, man.
STEVE:
(laughing)
Yeah, I was starting to miss “the
weird one.”
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
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95
WEIRD AL:
Ugh, I can’t believe I ever said
that. I’m so sorry.
BERMUDA:
Hey, you’re an artist - being an
abusive jerk is all part of the
process.
JIM:
Yeah, name me one creative genius
that doesn’t have a checkered past
involving drugs, alcohol and a
murderous rampage in the heart of
the jungle.
WEIRD AL:
I guess you’re right. I love you
guys.
They all group hug. When the guys disperse, Al turns around
and sees Dr. Demento.
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
Dr. D! You came!
DR. DEMENTO
Of course! And let me just say, you
were amazing out there, as always.
WEIRD AL:
Hey, look, all that stuff I said to
you before. I just wanted to
apologize--
DR. DEMENTO
Stop. No need. You know, it really
got me thinking... I do sort of
think of you as a son. And I never
had children of my own, so...
He produces some papers and a pen.
DR. DEMENTO (CONT’D)
I’d like to adopt you.
WEIRD AL:
(awkward)
Oh. Uh... Well, I uh, actually made
up with my dad.
DR. DEMENTO
(surprised/embarrassed)
Oh. Oh! Okay then...
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96
WEIRD AL:
Yeah, we’re like all good now,
so...
DR. DEMENTO
No, cool. That’s cool. That’s
great.
WEIRD AL:
Yeah... Well, my category’s coming
up, so I should probably--
DR. DEMENTO
Right, go get changed. Good luck!
WEIRD AL:
(crossing off)
See ya!
Dr. Demento HONKS a squeaky horn that he’s pulled out of his
pocket. He watches Al go, then frustratedly RIPS up the
papers.
CUT TO:
70 INT. YANKOVIC HOUSE - NIGHT - A LITTLE LATER 70
The audience applauds as Al, now wearing a Hawaiian tuxedo,
is shown on the TV screen. Mary gasps and clutches her
pearls.
MARY:
Oh my, he’s so... colorful.
NICK:
I still don’t get the Hawaii thing.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
And now, please welcome our next
presenters, Grammy Award Winner
Diana Ross and Intercontinental WWF
Champion Hulk Hogan!
CUT BACK TO:
* 71 INT. AWARDS SHOW - NIGHT 71
The audience APPLAUDS as DIANA ROSS and HULK HOGAN approach
the microphone.
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97
DIANA ROSS:
As artists, we learn to express
ourselves through our instruments.
Louis Armstrong had his trumpet,
Jimi Hendrix had his guitar, and
for me, my instrument is my voice.
Light applause.
HULK HOGAN:
That’s right, Diana. And my
* instruments are these 24-INCH
* PYTHONS!
Hulk flexes, rips his shirt open. The crowd goes CRAZY.
DIANA ROSS:
And now, the award you’ve all been
waiting for. In the category of
“Perhaps Not Technically the BEST,
But Arguably the Most Famous
Accordion Player in an Extremely
* Specific Genre of Music,” the award
goes to...
Tense moment - who’s it gonna be? We see Prince seated in the
audience, anxiously crossing his fingers.
“Weird Al” Yankovic!
THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE. Al is overwhelmed. The crowd gives him
an enthusiastic STANDING OVATION.
Prince is super bummed. He leaves in a huff. As he vacates
* his seat, he is replaced by a SICARIO in battle fatigues.
Filled with emotion, Al makes his way up the steps and
crosses to the microphone. Diana Ross hands him the award and
Hulk Hogan kisses him on the cheek. When the audience finally
calms down, Al begins his speech, barely holding back the
tears.
WEIRD AL:
Thank you. This award means so much
to me. And in front of the billions
of people watching around the world
right now, all I want to say is...
See, Dad! I told ya! In your face,
old man!
The audience CHEERS. We CUT TO Nick and Mary at home. Nick
laughs, bursting with pride.
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98
WEIRD AL (CONT’D)
There are so many people here
tonight that I’d like to thank.
People who mean the world to me and
made me everything I am today. But
they know who they are, and I’ll
thank them all later privately.
In the audience, Dr. Demento rolls his eyes.
DR. DEMENTO
(bitterly disappointed)
Great.
WEIRD AL:
I better wrap this up, I don’t have
much time left. I mean, haha, I’m
going to be around for a good LONG
time, don’t you worry about that!
You’re not going to get rid of me
THAT easy!
The audience CHUCKLES. We see the SICARIO in the audience,
talking sotto into his headset.
SICARIO:
Waiting on your signal.
Al continues his speech, oblivious to the danger.
WEIRD AL:
But in my remaining few seconds, I
just wanna say... Live the life you
wanna live. Be as weird as you
wanna be. Believe me, you will
never find true happiness until you
The soldier hears a female voice on his headset.
Stand by.
WEIRD AL:
(tearfully)
And standing before all of you
right here, right now... I’ve never
been so happy... and I’ve never
been so proud... in my entire life.
98
99
Al hoists his Grammy in triumph and the audience APPLAUDS
WILDLY as we reveal that Al has managed to wet his pants, “A
Star Is Born”-style.
CUT TO:
72 INT. UNDISCLOSED LOCATION 72
Madonna, in an undisclosed location. She’s now got a long
scar on her face and wears an eyepatch. A single tear rolls
down her cheek as she gives the command:
MADONNA:
Okay, take the shot.
CUT BACK TO:
* 73 INT. AWARDS SHOW - NIGHT 73
As Al continues to bask in the love of the crowd, the sicario
stands up brandishing a Gatling-style crank machine gun. Al
notices him and his eyes go wide.
WEIRD AL:
NOOOOO--!
CUT TO BLACK.
* We hear MACHINE GUN FIRE along with SCREAMS and PANDEMONIUM.
* The cacophony fades down, and then we see TITLES over black:
* “Weird Al” Yankovic was assassinated by members of Madonna’s
drug cartel... but his music will live on forever.
BEAT. Then more TITLES underneath:
Madonna Ciccone is still at large.
The END CREDIT TITLE SEQUENCE begins. We see photos of the
REAL AL YANKOVIC... a childhood pic, a teenage pic, an early
performance pic, a pic of him receiving gold records with the
band... but then we start seeing aggressively Photoshopped
images where the real 1980s Al is seen doing some of the more
ridiculous things from the movie (making out with the REAL
Madonna, being drunk and dragged off stage by police, firing
a machine gun in a diner, getting riddled with bullets at the
Grammys, etc.) and a few other things the movie didn’t cover
(putting Queen Elizabeth in a friendly headlock, getting
inducted into the Illuminati, etc.)
99
100
We also see and hear archival footage of the “actual” funeral
- the flowers, the tributes, the worldwide mourning, the 21-
gun salutes - and of course, President Ronald Reagan
delivering a heartfelt EULOGY.
After the main titles, we dip to BLACK and fade up on ONE
FINAL SCENE...
ANGLE ON:
Weird Al’s grave.A woman dressed all in black steps toward it with flowers in
her hand. She kneels down and raises the scarf covering her
face. It’s Madonna. She smiles wistfully.
As she’s placing the flowers on the grave, Al’s hand suddenly
BURSTS UP out of the ground and grabs her by the wrist. She
SCREAMS.
Cut to BLACK. CREDIT CRAWL BEGINS.
100
0 fans
Submitted on October 01, 2024
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"Weird: The Al Yankovic Story" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 5 Oct. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/weird:_the_al_yankovic_story_27598>.
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