What About Dick? Page #5

with Inspector McGuffin,

son.

From the loo...

From the loo, I'll trouble

you no further, but I'm

not through with you big

boy so cheerio the loo,

my kind speckled neighbor

and when the

bag of oatmeal, empty-handed,

the more you know the less the better.

Bebo bobbity,

- What an odd person.

Miss Schlegel are you hungry,

would you like some dinner?

- Oh gosh, yes, I'm starving.

- Well, let's eat tomorrow,

say at my country house

in Norfolk.

- Oh, okay.

- Next day while I was on

the cart, being driven up

to Norfolk, Emma took the

train to dine at Trevor

Howard's End.

- I'm just as excited as

a little girl, to be going

off alone to visit the man of my dreams

I was as giggly as a giddy

goose, to get away from my

family and friends, I was

feeling so very grown up

when--

- Hello, Emma.

- Reverend Whoopsie.

- Surprise!

- What are you doing on this train?

- Aunt Maggie wants to

make sure you were safe.

- Oh, I'll be perfectly

safe alone in a bedroom

in a country cottage with

an unhappily married man.

- Think of your reputation, dear.

- Aunt Maggie, you're here too?

- I love a train journey.

All the jiggling about,

it's like the Happy Boy.

- Is that you, Dick?

- Hello, Emma.

I bought me a mouth organ.

- And I can't wait to play my piano.

- Helena, you as well?

- I'm so excited, I've already found three

umbrellas on the train.

- Give them back.

- No, the owners got off

ages ago and we're here now.

- Spiggy Junction, Spiggy

Junction, all change for

Coupler's bottom, Wrigley

in the Watch, Colonel

Strummond Duprat, Lord Dee's

Forget, Butthole's Landing,

Downton Abbey, Upper Prostate,

Fingley Bongley, Lower Forking,

and Spunky Cumsnotoil.

- Emma, welcome to Trevor Howard's End.

- Mr. Hudson, how kind

of you to invite me.

- Ass!

- What?

- Hello.

- Hello, Mr. H.

- Hello there.

- Oh, I didn't expect the

bloody Spanish Inquisition.

- No, no, neither did I.

They insisted on chaperoning me.

- Well, good

grief, what did they thinks

gonna happen?

It's not as if we're gonna

run off into the woods and

start playing vicars and nurses.

- No, no, I hear the

woods can be really lovely

this time of year.

- Especially with a pig

leg and some extra virgin

olive oil.

Well, look, please, all

of you, why don't you

just go and play with the farm machinery.

I have to go and poison some rats.

- May I help you poison rats, Mr. Hudson?

- Very kind of you, Emma, but it's best

left to a man, this job.

- What's more natural on

a Saturday afternoon than

a good game of poisoning rats?

Especially if you can't--

- Well, precisely, it's very--

- Healthy--

- Exactly, it takes my mind off--

- Other things--

- Quite, otherwise mind can get very--

- Whimsical--

- No, regular--

- Regime--

- It's hard for a man to--

- Fulfill himself--

- Quite.

- Mr. Hudson, may I help you finish

your sentences this weekend?

At the weekend dance, Miss

Schlegel, that would be

so very, very--

- F***.

- Whatever was that?

- It's just, it's my wife, she's dying.

- Oh dear.

- No need to worry, she

usually dies about this time

of day.

You can set your watch by it.

It's from wisteria.

- Hysteria?

- No, wisteria, she's allergic to it.

- She was touched incorrectly

in a cave in India.

Ever since then the

sight of wisteria makes

her wisterical.

- You do not trust your

emotions do you, Mr. Hudson?

- I believe emotions are

like rats, they should

be poisoned at birth.

- Mr. Hudson, do you know

what a hooded clitoris is?

- Yes, it's a kind of snake with a cap on.

- No, it is found in the vulva.

- Ah Argentina.

- Have you any idea what the vagina is?

- Well, that's a river

in the Belgian Congo.

- Oh, Mr. Hudson do not toy with me.

My gynecologist tells

me I may never be able

to have an emotion.

- Do not despair, Miss

Schlegel, these days we

can do wonderful things with the rubber.

And now if you'll excuse me, I have to hit

Tracey and...

But more to the point,

my wife is dying again.

I must go and give her sugar.

- What a strange man

he is but I believe he

understands me despite

his attempts to distract

me with interesting

discourse about rat poison.

- I can still hear you.

- Oh, sorry.

- Whoa there, look at that house, Ken.

- Blimey.

Anne f***in' Hathaway's f***ing cottage.

- The last time I saw so

much thatch it was on a

stripper in Belgium.

- Hey Burt, see that bloke

lurking in the window.

- The one watching us?

- Yeah, do I know him?

- Yes, Mr. Hudson.

- He looks familiar.

- Yeah, you saw him

yesterday when he told us

to bring the piano here.

- Oh yeah.

- He thought he knew you.

- From where?

- He didn't say.

- Look, Dick.

My piano is here.

- You're jolly fond of

that piano aren't you?

- I love it, Dick.

Thank you ever so.

- Hey, you wouldn't marry me would ya?

- What?

- Become my awful wedded wife.

- That's lawful, Dick,

and it's not lawful,

we're cousins.

- Doesn't stop the Royal family.

- Yes but they're all bonkers.

- Dick, you are very beautiful

but you are a little bit--

- Am I, am I?

- Yes, yes, Dick, Just a tad.

I'm so sorry, I don't

care for you in that way.

I can't marry you.

- Well, nevermind, I'm gay anyway.

- What?

- He's different, that's all.

He's different

So very different

Oh, very different

In every way

That's right, I'm different

So very different

Oh, very different

Not gay

He's not the same as other boys

He likes to play with different toys

I like to stay out late

and dress in fancy things

Of course you do

He's not the only one there's been

I'm not the first King who is a Queen

But it's illegal still

So that is why we sing

That he is different

Oh very different

So very different

Not gay

- Helena played with me all afternoon

tickling my ivories

with her lovely fingers.

I must say, she has a lovely touch.

Meanwhile, Whoopsie and Dick disappeared

into the woods.

Maggie and Emma went

for a walk amongst the

bluebells, and Hudson

busied himself poisoning

rats until around three when...

- I say, has anyone seen Dick?

- What about Dick?

- I've lost him.

- What?

- One minute we were

playing hide and seek,

and the next he had gone.

- He's probably playing a game on you.

- Oh, yes, of course.

I'm sure he'll be back for dinner.

- It's a lovely dinner, Mr. Hudson.

- The curry goat is delicious.

- Yes, it's something my

wife picked up in India.

- How is your wife?

- Oh, still off her tits.

- Still no sign of Dick,

it's very worrying.

- Perhaps we should call the police.

- Too late, we're here.

- Oh sh*t.

- My piano, um I'm sorry Inspector,

you can't come in here,

we're having dinner.

- I'm warning ya's, all of

ya's, every single one of

you toffee-nosed gits,

sittin' round with your chips,

listening to your Chopin

and your Beethoven, after

your suppers we have kippers

and lungs and requiche.

Listen that

frame my lips and mouth and

drop a little rain,

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