What Other Couples Do

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1

(Ryan) So, what do you want to do today?

Um. I think I'm gonna get

some work done. Do you mind?

No, I'll get some work done, too.

(Sound of a baby crying in another room)

Are you seriously pretending

to be asleep right now?

(Dave) What?

Get up! It's your turn.

I got up at three.

I got up at five.

I went to bed at one.

You were wasting time online.

I was writing!

Hey, hon.

Hey. What're you doing today?

Working. I'm about to head over to Trey's.

You have to be back by, like, 5:30.

I will be.

'kay.

Don't you and Trey ever

get sick of each other?

Lisa, he's my brother.

I know, I just miss

spending Saturdays with you.

We literally have three

scripts due this week, so...

What're you doing here?

Working out.

Are those three pounds?

Yeah.

Can I feel it?

This isn't gonna do anything.

You might as well be standing here, with no

weights, just moving your arms back and forth.

Can't believe they sell these things.

Stop it.

You can't... no...

It's for toning. I don't like to sweat.

I love you.

Don't be late!

I won't!

We haven't had sex in a while.

It's bullshit!

(She laughs) Well, we could do

something about it right now.

Bree. I'm never gonna say no.

Why am I the only one who

ever starts the dishwasher?

You didn't start the dishwasher!

(Dave, offscreen) What?!

Nothing.

Here, baby. Gonna sit right there.

Mm-hm.

What's that?

What?

Nice 30-minute shower.

It was 16 minutes. I timed it.

How is it that I can get myself and the kids ready in the

same amount of time it takes you to get yourself ready?

Well, remember how we read that men's

brains aren't wired for multi-tasking?

Well, how about finishing a single task?

Like, you never start the dishwasher.

I start the dishwasher all the time.

You think if you do something once

every three weeks, you do it regularly.

Well, once every three weeks IS regularly.

Oh my ga. I want to kill you right now!

(Josh) I'm anxious about tonight.

Why? It's gonna be fun.

It's gonna be awkward as hell.

You shouldn't have set it up.

You just, you have to admit,

you like to stir the pot.

It was Ginger's suggestion.

And Chris was fine with it.

I'll bet. Is he bringing that

girl? The one that he cheated with?

No. No. They're each

coming alone. They agreed.

Poor Ginger. I'll bet she's still a mess.

(Michelle) I've been thinking about Ginger.

(Dave) Poor Ginger.

I don't think it's a good idea for her

to be spending so much time in Texas.

Last time she came back, she'd eaten so much fried

food, all she could fit into was her sweatpants.

Jesus.

Marriage is like a business contract.

Each party signs the contract because they're

getting certain things out of the deal...

And when Chris married Ginger, part of the

deal was that she was slim and attractive.

Okay, but you shouldn't have to worry

about your spouse cheating on you...

just because you've gained

some weight over the years.

SOME weight?

Okay, Ginger's gotten huge. But it's hard

for her 'cause she's such a good cook.

I mean, I don't know how Chris

stayed so slim all these years.

He's self-disciplined because he's vain.

I always knew he was going to cheat. There's no way a

guy who's that good-looking is going to stay faithful.

You sound like you would've cheated

with him if you'd had the chance.

Unh...

Whatever. He was crazy to cheat on her.

She's cool and she cooks, like,

a four-course dinner every night.

I mean, who cares about sex

when you can eat like a king?

(Ryan) We're not leaving

until we own this town.

Not this side, not the

Valley. The other side.

I've been thinking about Ginger.

Ah. Poor Ginger.

Then I started thinking about our sisters and your

mother and my mother and all the women we know.

And it's like we've seen

them all act a little crazy.

Mm.

So, I'm developing this theory.

That all women occasionally act nuts.

It's just a question of how nuts...

like, where are they on the continuum.

Yeah, well, that's what I like about women. I

think it's cool how they can be unpredictable.

It's holding us back. You know, it makes men uncomfortable

because they're only used to experiencing one emotion.

Or maybe several. But you know it all

funnels down to the same one... anger.

And then they snap and

kill their whole family.

So, all men are angry?

Well, what blanket statement

can we make about men?

It's what Thoreau said. Most are

leading lives of quiet desperation.

You know, they go to work and they help

with the kids and they take out the trash

And then they go to work and they help

with the kids and they take out the trash...

And the whole time? They're daydreaming.

About being big and important and powerful

and screwing Scarlett Johansson. Or whoever.

I'll buy that.

You want to have sex

with Scarlett Johansson?

No, I meant I buy your theory, overall.

(Bree) You don't want to have sex with her?

I don't find her attractive.

Right!

Believe it or not, when I fantasize

about having sex, it's with you.

Always?

You never imagine yourself

having sex with anyone but me?

And you never imagine yourself

having sex with anybody but me?

I wish neither one of us were

ever attracted to anyone else.

It IS like that. Mostly. Seriously.

It's like everything is built on a foundation of

little white lies. We're living in a house of cards.

Who needs four cars?!

I know. I guess they haven't heard

about the fossil fuel situation.

Michelle. We drive an

SUV and a station wagon.

Yeah, but our next cars

are going to be hybrids.

Oh, well, we can start judging

people once we get them.

'kay.

(Dave) You should find out if he's hiring.

(Michelle) Ugh.

(Dave) You haven't

staffed in three seasons.

(Michelle) He's a hack.

And his brother's a clown.

A hack and a clown...

You know that one of their

episodes is up for an Emmy?

Really?

I can guarantee they didn't write it though. In

TV, everybody on staff contributes to every episode.

Well. This hack is 30 years old

and owns a house that costs...

$2.5.

Oh my god.

Hi!

Heeeey!!!

(Music plays)

They never hear us because

this house is so big.

Lisa?

Josh?

Art. I guess they're collecting now.

That f***er. He's just

over here printing money.

(Bree) Hello?

(Ryan) Hello?

Hi!

Hi! How are you?

Really good! How are you guys?

Good to see you!

Glad you could make it finally.

We can stay out late, my mom's

babysitting for us, thank you.

Yes!

I am going to drink my ass off.

No, it's your turn to get up

with Emma and Chloe tomorrow.

Wow. I bet you guys can't

wait to have kids, right?

(Josh laughs)

No, you have to do it. Seriously, it's

the best thing that ever happened to me.

Actually, we're trying

to get pregnant, so...

Yeah, I could be good

without kids, but... whatever.

What're you talking about? You totally

thought that baby was so cute at the barbecue.

All babies are cute. That's their thing. But is

that any reason to make an irreversible decision?

Well, if you didn't want to have

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