What We Did on Our Holiday Page #2

Can we have it in Italian

like we did last time?

No. That's how we ended up in Ipswich.

But we can have it in African language,

say for example,

- either like Chad or?

- Chad isn't a language.

Zimbabwe or Bahamas.

Or even Israelian.

Oh, God, it's Gavin.

Accept it,

we are not gonna get there tonight.

The traffic always gets better

after Leeds. Hi, Gavin.

Tell him we won't make it today.

Yeah, it is safe me talking to you.

Abi's driving.

Tell him.

Because in England we let women drive.

Tell him.

No, we will make it tonight,

just probably quite late. OK.

OK, bye. Bye-bye.

Hello, I wondered

if Sir Donald was in. Thank you.

We've got three bulimics.

Do you think we should put them next

to the buffet or a long way from it?

I think near the toilet's

probably more important.

Er, do you know, I think Doreen...

er, she'd be more comfortable

away from the top table.

Maybe we should let your dad decide,

because she is one of his oldest...

- Sir Donald. Gavin. Yeah.

... friends.

Gavin.

Gavin McLeod. Yeah.

I hear you got a hole-in-one

at the 13th.

Well, he won't be bothering us again.

Just wait there, kids.

I like being sick,

it's like being a fountain.

- I was sickest most.

- No, I was.

Thanks for stopping for the night.

I just want to get there

as soon as possible.

- No, I know.

- His T-shirt.

His T-shirt was full of vomit

because of me.

Listen, Doug...

It's a draw. You both

produced an equal amount of sick.

But I still won.

Er... why are we putting ourselves

through all this?

Maybe we should just

tell your dad the truth.

No, no, it's too big a risk.

It could really upset him,

the idea of us splitting.

Please, Abi.

He can't have long, let's just...

Let's just let him have his party.

Oh, Jesus Christ. No, no, no.

Lottie, no one's gonna ask you if

Mum and me are living in the same house.

Is there anything else

you've not told me?

No.

- Why are you writing that down?

- So you can't say you didn't say it.

OK. Kids, just to remind...

Mickey, stop playing chip Jenga.

Just to remind everyone, what we're

saying is, when we get to Scotland,

nobody is to tell anyone that Mum and me

are living in different houses, OK?

Can we tell them that you walked in

while the headmistress was doing a poo?

It's not really...

Can we tell them about tadpoles

turning into frogs?

Absolutely. I think that'd be

an excellent conversation.

That's a much better

topic of conversation.

So as long as we're all agreed,

none of us mention anything about this.

I wasn't gonna mention it anyway.

It's boring.

- Exactly.

- It's lying.

It's... It's not lying, it's not.

It's not...

It's not mentioning something.

What if someone asks,

"Are your mum and dad getting divorced?"

You're visiting your granddad,

not going on The Jeremy Kyle Show.

I hope we get another sunset

tonight. Last night was fantastic.

It's the volcanic dust in the air

refracting the low-level sunlight.

Really?

I thought it was those new pills

the doctor's got me on.

Must give you

a couple of packets of the blue ones.

You can take them to school, sell them

to your friends, make a tidy wee profit.

Play something.

Nah, nah, nah.

Play the proper stuff.

You know you like it.

And you've got to cut loose, Kenny.

Go mental.

Dad says I need to concentrate

on my exam pieces.

In 50 metres, turn right.

Right.

Oh, Jesus.

Why didn't you wake me?

- You said it was rude.

- Not while I'm driving.

What's happening?

Daddy didn't like me

driving when he was asleep.

- What? You were asleep?

- Is this Scotland?

Do you mean you actually fell asleep?

Not really.

- Yeah, these are the Highlands.

- How high are the Highlands?

- Were you sleeping?

- High. Higher than the Lowlands.

Did you fall asleep?

Puppies!

Forgotten the way to Scotland then?

So, Mickey, belated birthday present.

I expect you can guess what it is.

Is it a bicycle?

Is it a... joke cushion that

stabs you in the bottom?

- No, it is not.

- Is it a cow pie?

Granddad!

- Happy birthday!

- Hello, darling.

Hey, Dad.

- Gordie.

- Hello.

- Happy birthday.

- Thanks very much.

- How's things, Dad?

- Fine, fine, good.

And how's things with you?

- Fine.

- Brilliant, brilliant.

I mean, super. More than.

- Brilliant, tremendous.

- It is more fun actually. Fun.

- Yeah.

- Isn't it? Yeah.

- Really, really, really good.

- Right.

- I did you a birthday card, Granddad.

- Oh, thanks, Lottie.

She's got something of your mother.

- Can he not play with that?

- Oh, Mickey!

Sorry, I just wanted to show Granddad

the badger in the revolving doors

and the nun with two heads.

Nobody wants to see

a nun with two heads.

- I do.

- That computer's not for kids.

All the terminals are connected.

It's a...

- Synergised system.

- That's right.

You know, the whole house

is virtually wireless.

It's, well, more than an iCloud, it's...

iFog?

It's an intelligent house.

Is it as intelligent

as a squid?

- As a squid?

- Cos it can fit through a hole.

It's intelligent in a way...

- Can it draw a leopard?

- What?

And can it do cartwheels?

If this house is more intelligent

than you...

- Mickey.

- This system cost a lot of money.

Well, it doesn't always mean

it's intelligent if...

- It cost loads of money.

- Yeah.

You're not explaining it at all well.

I think we should take you to

the headmaster of your place

- because...

- It's an intelligent house, OK?

You know, it's connected.

Let there be light.

Now then, clan of McLeod,

if you'll excuse me...

Hmm.

Where are the keys?

They were there a moment ago.

Who could have taken them?

I don't know.

Magpies?

Magpies?

This is my domain.

Only special people come here.

After you, my dear.

Ta-dah!

Jess? This is insane!

I only asked you where the keys were.

Jessie, Jessie, just breathe,

take a big, big breath.

A big, deep breath.

- She holds her breath?

- Yeah.

Ah, well.

She can't do herself too much harm, eh?

Well, actually...

Till she blacks out? Unconscious?

That's quite extreme, isn't it?

To hold your breath that long.

Well, she can always become

a pearl diver.

Where's Sir Donald gone?

Have you noticed anything odd

about Doug and Abi?

Hey, what have you done to that helmet?

I took the horns off it.

London manners. Eh?

Doug can't control them.

And as for her...

That's what happens when

you marry someone too clever.

That's me when I was 20.

Only my skin was a little less orange.

Is that you with the monkey?

Yeah, that was my 30th birthday

in Northern Rhodesia.

- We were looking for silver.

- Kneel before mighty Odin!

Do you not get birthdays

after you're 75?

What?

Dad said to Mum it's going to be

Granddad's last birthday. I heard him.

Ooh, Blu-Tack. Can I have this?

Sure. Tell you what, why don't you

go check out on the puppies?

- See if they're OK.

- Sure.

I'm building a big...

You've heard of cancer?

Well, I've got that.

But you will get better.

Well, actually, no,

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