Where the Buffalo Roam

Stop it!

Go away!

Get a grip, Thompson.

Come on. It's just a deadline.

You got two hours till the presses roll.

Shut up! You'll get words

when I want to give them to you.

No need to panic, huh?

Just another deadline.

I'll just lash together a few raw facts,

little bit of old negro wisdom,

and this nightmare is over.

Nixon.

Come on, easy boy. You never liked this.

Bronco, come on. Bronco, come on.

Fun is fun.

Lie on your side. Down!

Lie on your side.

Fun is fun.

Good boy, Bronco.

Savage bastards.

There, chew on that gibberish for a while,

you heartless scum.

You've pushed me too far.

Down, Bronco, he's mine!

I was deciding to write off this weird town,

makes you sleep forever.

This wouldn't be the first time I got sucked

into writing about Lazlo, Karl Lazlo esquire,

attorney at law, my attorney.

This was the man I counted on

to keep me out of jail in those years.

Those weird years between

the '60s and the '70s,

the age of Nixon.

It was a time to keep your head down.

I was a working journalist, a hired geek

of sorts, and Lazlo was great company

and sometimes a good lawyer.

It was a fast, strange time,

and we worked in fast, strange ways.

He claimed he was being chased

by Mr Nixon

when his car was attacked

by a swarm of bats.

Bats?

It's obvious he was having

a paranoid drug reaction.

Every 20 minutes, he calls down to the desk,

demands to see his lawyer and hangs up.

He claims he's being held a prisoner.

I'm rambling.

I think I'd better tell my readers that I'm

no longer responsible for anything I write.

I've been without sleep for 80 hours

so I'm beyond simple fatigue.

The hallucinations have stopped,

finally, thank God,

but my adrenaline reserves are burning out

and I'm staring into the face

of a psychotic freak-out.

- What are you doing?

- I'm writing.

Writing?

Yeah. And my deadline page, too.

I'm pouring it on now. Right on the edge.

But I made a smart move

checking into this place

because, you know, in case I lose it totally,

I know I'll be safe in the arms

of the sisters of mercy.

What are you writing?

My Attorney Versus American Justice.

Cute title, and...

hopefully I'll be able to finish it.

Morning.

Let me recommend... Try a blue one.

A blue one? Really?

Little bugger gets right on top of you.

Sh*t. Sh*t!

Dr Roberts, call Dr Bretherton

in administration.

Dr Roberts, call Dr Bretherton.

- No! No more, please!

- Sorry.

Just relax.

Everything's gonna be just fine.

I'll be gone in a second.

Nice day.

Take it easy.

Five more minutes then we're out of here.

We could just make it away with you along,

you know.

Student nurse, you know.

Clear-headed.

Used to thinking in terms of crisis.

Bat!

Lazlo. What took you so long?

It's been a nightmare here.

- Bat.

- Ooh. What have you done?

Jeez, she was just fine a minute ago.

Oh, I'm eating her cookie.

Cook, the bat here is Karl Lazlo.

As your attorney,

I advise you to leave this room at once.

Right.

Oh, sh*t. Good thinking, we may need this.

- Come on, get your things, let's go, Cook.

- No, she should stay.

We can't leave her in this snake pit,

they'll pick her bones clean.

- Thompson, trust my judgment.

- Not in this instance. She's harmless.

She's good with her hands too,

she made these for me.

Come on!

Oh, jeez.

You'll probably be safer here.

Mr Thompson!

- Yeah!

- Mr Thompson, open the door.

Mr Thompson.

- Watch out for this f***er.

- You have one of our nurses in there.

All right... Vaya con dios.

Sh*t. Sh*t!

Ah, sh*t.

You gotta get this because it's important.

- Can you drive and...?

- No problem.

The key aspects

are all in the Fourth Amendment...

Great, a basis in reality, that's good.

- ... including the need for probable cause...

- Probable cause? All right.

...and the right for people to be secure

in their homes free from illegal search.

That's the big one.

It's the f***ing Constitution.

I mean...

Hey, you're getting all of this too.

- I'm a total professional.

- Good.

Cos this is important stuff, a whole

generation of kids are being screwed.

Their rights are being violated

every day by the police.

They take the kids, rough 'em up,

throw 'em in jail...

- Gestapo tactics.

- Exactly.

All right, spread 'em, hit the wall.

Come on, shut up and get your head down.

- Come on, will you...?

- Spread 'em!

The judges are cold,

they throw the kids in jail, give them

ridiculous sentences, all for headlines.

- You getting this?

- Yep.

Good. Stay with me.

Hey! Goddamn... Hey!

Come back here!

How many people are gonna read this?

About 800,000, a million maybe.

- When is this gonna come out?

- Well...

it was supposed to be in the last issue

but maybe this one.

- When did these come in?

- An hour ago.

I want to see everything.

Page, get up here!

Well?

Nobody's seen him

since he left the hospital.

- Get on the phone.

- You know him, he could be anywhere.

I don't give a sh*t. You find him.

He owes me a cover story and I want it.

- OK, I'm going, I'm doing, I'm looking.

- Check the bars.

No.

No.

Yes.

- No.

- Yes.

- Mr Lazlo!

- Well... look who's here.

- The master barrister.

- That's right.

Give me the Colts, the Steelers, the Jets...

- Jasper Russell meet Dr Thompson.

- Hello, Doctor.

I'm taking the Bears, I can't quit on them.

Excellent bone man.

He specialises in gunshot wounds.

Well, I can give you a cheque.

I know, but...

Well, you know where you can find me.

He's a weirdo, Lazlo.

Lazlo, how are you doing?

Never better.

You know, I really admire you.

- Really?

- Yeah. But you could do a lot better.

- No sh*t.

- You're strong, you're tough,

you're good, the clients like you.

But it's the wrong rules,

and you're playing the wrong game.

Let me send you some real clients -

divorce, real estate.

That's business, Lazlo.

You can do the cases,

we'll split it down the middle.

We'll make a deal, we'll make money.

- The guy said...

- Money?

...that it wasn't so bad to make money.

- Remember that.

- You mean I'd...

make some money and maybe be like your

field representative, handle the overflow?

You're not making any money representing

these jack-offs, and you know it.

- Jack-offs?

- Now you've done it.

You call the people I defend jack-offs?

- Hear ye, hear ye, everybody!

- Calm down!

Look at a man who defends evil people!

Will you guys just knock it off?

Lazlo, God damn it, get down.

Repent! There's still time!

Bless you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus.

We hear you, Jesus.

Whosoever's name is not written in the book

of life shall be cast into a lake of fire!

Amen! Amen!

- Mr Lazlo.

- Hey, Lazlo.

Hey, Lazlo!

OK, OK, settle down, settle down.

OK, 223 Coal Street, where are you?

We're gonna go inside and make a motion

to suppress the search and seizure.

We're gonna say the cops

didn't have probable cause.

Got it? OK. Livingstone.

You got your old lady?

Good. Billy, we're gonna

get to you this afternoon.

Rate this script:4.5 / 2 votes