Where The Truth Lies Page #2

but this schmuck came off personal.

Where did he think I came from?

Bastard! Bastard!

He called me a bastard.

Now, it doesn't show

from the front, Lanny.

Now, please, would you kindly not

mount me? It's very disagreeable.

Vince plunges straight into

quoting lines I wrote...

... from a song

from our first motion picture.

I happen to be honored

to work with this jerk

Is that a compliment?

I never frown with this clown

Never, never, never.

I get a kick from this...

... friend of mine

Fine, but don't give

the mike to this kike.

- Well...

- Just relax.

It's not often we get topped by

a member of our audience, but...

...this gentleman has

done the impossible.

What is your name?

- It's Joe.

- Joe...

...we were just wondering

if you'd be a great sport...

...and help us out on stage.

What do you say, folks?

Go on.

Joe here is going to play

a crazy high school professor...

...who's about to give Lanny

and I our final high school exam.

So if you'll just excuse us while

we help Joe change into his...

...crazy-professor outfit.

Lanny, a little

costume-changing music...

...if you please.

Step this way.

I'll have a word with him...

...about the way

he spoke to your wife.

Completely unnecessary.

Just this way.

You call any Jew on this planet

anything you like.

But nobody calls my partner a kike.

Do you understand?

Boffing ladies and

bashing gentlemen.

I tell you, there was

nothing under the sun...

... Vince and I wouldn't do

for each other.

Are you finished?

Thank you, Mamie.

I'm sorry about that, Miss O'Connor.

We just needed to be sure

you didn't take any notes.

Lanny gave me very specific

instructions on that point.

I don't understand why

he'd want me to read this.

Why would he ever want

anyone to see this side of him?

When you contacted us about

meeting Lanny for your book...

...it wasn't simply about letting you

know he didn't want to speak with you.

I believe my client wanted you

to understand that he, in fact...

...was completing a book

of his own which would serve...

...not only as his autobiography...

...but also as the definitive account of

the joint careers of Morris and Collins.

You've had, at first hand,

a sample of Lanny's writing voice.

Yes, I have.

Such a book, Miss O'Connor...

...this raw, this honest...

...would make your own efforts look...

There's been some very nice...

...translations of the Bible

over the centuries...

...but they would run

a very poor second in popularity...

...to the discovery

of the actual Ten Commandments.

Single best part about teaching

grade two is the difference...

...between the bright ones and

the dumb ones isn't so obvious.

- What's so great about that?

- The results of my work...

...as a teacher

aren't so depressing.

Also, there's no homework

to correct in the evenings and...

...well, none of the kids

know how to use drugs.

Bonnie had come from New York

to visit me that summer.

We'd been best friends

since kindergarten.

At school we started the

Lanny and Vince Fan Club...

... raising almost $200

for that year's telethon.

All of you send in

a bit of your allowance.

Just a little bit.

A dime, a nickel, a penny.

Every bit helps.

The goal of the telethon that year...

... was $3.9 million, which was

a lot of dough at that time.

Thank you, Tom.

You're a prince among men.

Whoa, Lanny. There are

children watching!

Where does he get his energy?

To remind viewers of the goal...

... we agreed the telethon

could run 39 hours nonstop.

The show would begin at 9 p.m. On

Friday and finish at noon on Sunday.

We paced it so that

Vince and I were together...

... for the kickoff,

most of the day Saturday...

... then the big finale

on Sunday with us bleary-eyed...

... and weeping as America

got ready to go to church.

Lanny, Lanny. What are you doing?

I'm ordering a pizza. I'm starving.

No anchovies on mine, Lanny.

Hey, so who are you talking to?

I'm talking to little Suzie

from Whittier, California...

...and she is going to donate

three weeks of allowance.

- How about that, folks?

- Suzie from Whittier, thank you.

Three weeks of allowance.

That's a challenge for all you...

What you have to understand

is that Vince and me...

... were essentially a boy-girl act.

I was the tramp,

ready for any sort of action...

... and Vince was the gentleman...

... always trying to make me

behave myself.

I was pleasure, and he was control.

I was rock 'n' roll,

and he was class.

His presence gave America

permission to like me.

My deal with the publisher

gave me first-class travel...

... a luxury I'd never enjoyed.

Is there any chance of switching

to a window seat?

Sorry, we're completely booked

in first.

But these center seats

are really wonderful. See...

...if you push here...

Can I show you?

Sure.

The chair swivels

to the left and the right.

And this converts

to a full-sized dining table...

...during our

Pan Am platinum service...

...with damask linen

and silverware by Fornari...

...so you don't have to eat off a tray.

Again, that's only

for these center seats.

How does that sound?

At that time, when you

traveled first class...

... people would always ask you if you

met someone famous on the flight.

- Mr. Morris.

- Thank you.

You're welcome.

Though he would later accuse me

of engineering this, I didn't.

It just...

... happened.

Reuben. So they...

They record these songs...

...in a studio that I am paying for.

Songs that are recorded for me...

...that they are

contracted to provide.

- Are you with me here?

- Yes, it's just that...

No, it's just that nothing, Irv.

Please, let me finish. They record...

I read an interview where Lanny was

given credit for insisting his butler...

... travel in the same class and stay

at the same hotels as his boss.

The valet's attentiveness

was impressive.

Looks like you'll be having

dinner with Lanny Morris.

- Hello.

- Hi.

We should get a waiter to slide

a matchbook under the airplane.

There we go.

That should hold.

This is my friend Reuben.

- Hi.

- Hi.

And this is also my friend,

technically speaking...

...and business manager, Irv.

- Hi.

My name is Lanny.

And what's your name?

Bonnie. Bonnie Trout.

What do you do, Bonnie?

I teach.

And what do you teach?

- Second grade.

- Well, we have a lot in common.

You teach second grade,

I went to second grade.

- Irv, you went to second grade too?

- Many times.

Tell me, Miss Trout...

I don't mean to be impolite...

...but I was wondering...

...how a second-grade schoolteacher

affords to fly first class.

Well, I have a pass...

...that allows me free use

of the subway on weekends...

...and the hot lunches

at school are only 50 cents.

And I'm the mistress...

...of a wealthy married man...

...and when he and his wife

go on vacation, he treats me...

...to a first-class trip

in the opposite direction.

But look at me, talking only about

myself. What do you do for a living?

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