Where The Truth Lies Page #4

...three months from now

and open our new showroom for us.

A two-week,

exclusive limited engagement...

...that we want you to do for us

for six weeks.

God help you when a killer

takes a shining to you.

I looked at Vince and scratched my

nose, which meant our strongest "no."

That's a very great honor, Sally.

- You're damn f***ing right it is.

- The thing is...

...we're just trying to cut down on

the nightclub work at the moment.

We turned down the Sands

so we could do a TV special...

...and the only reason we still work the

Versailles is out of friendship for you.

- What dates were you thinking of?

- We open November 15th.

Sally, any other day

we would be here in a flash...

...but, you know, that's the day

right after the next polio telethon.

I mean, we always take two weeks off

right after that to recover.

- Right, Vince?

- At least.

- I mean, we're tired.

- That's the way I want you.

After the f***ing telethon,

we fly you up from Miami...

...hold a press conference,

all f***ing exhausted...

...so people know

what heroes you are.

I'll keep a suite for you

with the best hookers I got.

Your own personal cathouse.

And I'll have them send you up...

...a shipment of lobsters

and stone crabs.

- You like lobsters?

- Love them.

And a case of these...

...special grapefruits...

...that I get special down there.

The most delicious thing

you ever tasted in your life.

Juicy, thin skin.

Months later, on the night

before the telethon in Miami...

... we got back to our room

and found that Sally...

... had been more than good

to his word.

Laid out around the room

were various crates...

... bearing the addresses

of their destination:

Our suite at the Palace Del Sol

hotel in New Jersey.

"You like lobsters?

See you in New Jersey."

"Thin skin, f***ing most delicious

f***ing thing...

...you ever had in your f***ing life."

"What I thought was a box

of beach balls turned out to be...

...the thinnest-skinned,

dripping-wet grapefruits...

...Id ever tasted in my life.

The 6-foot crate was filled

with fruits of the sea...

...slowly shifting over a bed of ice."

Yeah, this is Lanny Morris.

Send up three steaks, all right?

Yeah. Make them rare this time.

- Yeah, rare.

- Like bloody.

Bloody. And a couple of bottles

of that champagne.

- Make that three.

- Three bottles of champagne.

And can you make sure

that Maureen delivers them?

Yeah, Maureen.

We called down for Maureen...

... the room-service girl

I'd met earlier...

... who wanted the interview

for her school paper.

She brought up three steaks,

one for her...

... as her last official delivery

of the day.

As much as I love lobster...

... seeing all that shellfish

nestled on ice in the crate...

... put me in the mood

for hooves, not claws.

The interview for Maureen's campus

paper went better than expected.

Vince and I popped some Tuinals...

... to insure that

we would sleep like babes...

... after we wore off the general

horniness that the pills first give you.

Vince bought insurance on his bet

by having a few babes on hand.

Well, not exactly on his hand.

That wasn't his preference.

"Not exactly on his hand.

That wasn't his preference."

"Not exactly on his hand"?

"That wasn't his preference"?

"The Tuinals, coupled with

a nice amount of booze...

...guaranteed us

the sleep of the dead.

Late the next morning,

Maureen was sent packing...

...and Vince and I prepared ourselves

for that night's broadcast."

Well, I guess this is one story my kids

won't have to give a book report on.

Thanks.

Must be weird to find out...

...that the object of all your

adolescent fantasies is a pig.

He's not like that.

Oh, so it's just the way

he describes himself.

She was right.

Which was the real Lanny?

I'd find out later that the story

of the hookers in the hotel suite...

... was a complete fabrication.

That night, Maureen was alone.

- Hello?

- So how did you like the show?

Lanny?

The Today show.

You did watch, didn't you?

- The show.

- You didn't watch.

Wow, that's scary.

You see, when you're a star...

...you live in terror,

wondering if it's all over yet.

You keep looking for the signs.

You're shooting a scene from a movie

on a New York street...

...and a crowd doesn't form.

You meet a girl on a plane

and tell her...

...that you're gonna be on the

Today show the next morning...

...and she doesn't

wake up early to watch.

It's very scary.

Hey, you know,

I mentioned you on the air.

- You did?

- Yes, I proposed to you on the air.

Your building is probably

surrounded with photographers...

- ... at this very moment.

- You're kidding.

Yes, I'm kidding.

So...

...what time would you like to meet?

Stanley, this is Bonnie.

Bonnie, Stanley.

Nice to meet you.

Is the food almost ready, Stan?

Yeah. I'll bring it right out,

Mr. Lanny.

I was very hungry, so I asked Stanley

to prepare us something special.

That sounds great.

Tell me, what kind of a meeting...

...does a schoolteacher have to go to

during the summer vacation?

I'm exploring the possibility

of another job.

- Something in publishing.

- How did it go?

Okay.

Have you ever thought

about writing a book?

- About what?

- Your life.

Sure. When I'm dead.

No, seriously.

It would have to be published

after I died...

...when I wouldn't care what

anybody thought about me.

So, what would you write about,

if you were going to tell the truth?

In my book?

Well, the truth is,

I've met four presidents.

They all seemed like

they were out of it.

Like they had no idea

what was going on.

Even J.F.K. Left me unimpressed.

I felt like I was with the boss' son.

You don't think you could say that?

Not if I was planning

on living in this country. No, no.

I don't think that Judy Garland

was such a great singer...

...after she turned 16.

That quiver, you know,

it was like she had no control over it.

I would get killed for saying that.

Or that Marilyn Monroe

was no better an actress...

...after she studied with

Lee Strasberg than before.

I'm saying what really happened.

Having to be a nice guy...

...is the toughest job in the world

when you're not.

This is a lamb in tea sauce.

This is twice-cooked pork

with shredded, pickled cabbage.

Kung Pao chicken.

And this is Kung Ping Loh Haa...

...lobster in tangerine peel

for you and your lovely lady friend.

You shouldn't have

done that, Stanley.

I don't eat lobster. I'm Jewish.

But you eat pork.

- Do you have a problem with that?

- No, I just thought...

No shrimp, no lobster.

They're disgusting. Take it away.

I will pay for the dish,

but take it away, please.

I'll change it.

I'm sorry, I...

I should have asked.

Maybe you love lobster.

I'm fine.

Have you ever had

Szechwan cuisine before?

It's from the northern part of China.

It must be strange for you.

If you complain to a waiter,

you're not just some jerk at table five...

...you're Lanny Morris.

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