White Christmas Page #2

- How do you do?

- Mutual, I'm sure.

I thought before train time,

we'd get a bite to eat

- and have a few laughs or something.

- No, I can't make it.

I'm afraid you can't either.

We got some business to take care of.

- What kind of business?

- We got to go look at an act.

- Look at an act?

- Some other time, I hope?

Well, I like that! Without so much

as a "Kiss my foot" or "Have an apple!"

That does it. That's the last time

I'm gonna dig up a date for him.

And from now on,

you can do your dirty work yourself.

Yeah, well, excuse me one minute,

will you, kids?

Wallace, I think it's time

you and I had a little talk.

Yeah, it's a good idea, buster.

If you don't mind, I'll lead off.

- Now, wait a minute.

- You wait a minute.

You know something,

for about three months now,

you've been clumsily trying

to entangle me with some female.

- All I'm trying to do...

- Fat ones, tall ones, thin ones.

Doesn't make any difference,

as long as they're wearing skirts,

a little mascara and still breathing,

you ran them at me.

Believe me, it's for your own good.

- For my own good?

- Yeah. Let's face it, Bob,

- you're a lonely, miserable man.

- What?

And you're unhappy, too,

and when you're unhappy, I'm unhappy.

After all, I feel a strong sense

of responsibility to you, Bob,

- ever since the day I...

- Not again with that life-saving bit.

- Well, if you'd rather forget it...

- How can I? You won't let me.

Since you saved my life,

you decided you had the right to run it.

You've ootzed me along

every step of the way.

You've hammered, drove,

pushed, shoved.

And if that wasn't enough,

you'd look at me

with those great big cow eyes of yours,

point at that phony arm,

and I'd melt and go along!

- I don't expect any gratitude.

- You're gonna get it.

We did great, and I'm grateful.

So, thank you. Thank you, Phil Davis,

from the bottom of my heart.

Now, will you let

the rest of my life alone?

- No, I won't.

- Well, why not?

Because you're a miserable,

lonely, unhappy man.

You're whacky. I'm a very happy man.

Well, then,

you're happy for the wrong reasons.

And that's the same as being lonely

and miserable, except it's worse.

You know something, you're off

your nut about a mile and a half.

I've got everything in life I want.

- I'm off my nut a mile and a half.

- At least.

You've got everything you want

except the most important thing.

- What's this?

- A girl.

Well, I'll get around to that

one of these days.

My dear partner,

when what's left of you

gets around to what's left to be gotten,

what's left to be gotten won't be worth

getting whatever it is you've got left.

When I figure out what that means,

I'll come up with a crushing reply.

- What's back all this, anyway?

- Nothing. Only your happiness.

- My happiness?

- Yeah.

You know, when you get an idea that's

for my sole and ultimate happiness,

there's always lurking behind it

a little angle for you.

- Now, what is it?

- Do you really want to know?

- Yes, I really want to know.

- All right, I'll really tell you.

Then lay it on me, will you?

Ever since the day we became

producers, you were a changed man.

You've gone absolutely berserk

with work.

The strange thing is you liked it.

You like being Rodgers & Hammerstein.

- It was your idea, you know? Yeah.

- Well, sure it was my idea.

But I didn't think

I was going to create a Frankenstein.

From that day on, I haven't had

one minute I could call my own.

What do you want me to do about it?

I want you to get married.

I want you to have nine children.

And if you only spend five minutes

a day with each kid, that's 45 minutes,

and I'd at least have time to go out

and get a massage or something.

You don't expect me to get serious

with the kind of characters

- you and Rita have been throwing at me.

- There've been some nice girls, too.

Yeah, yeah. Like that nuclear scientist

we just met out in the hall.

All right. They didn't go to college.

They didn't go to Smith.

Go to Smith? She couldn't even spell it.

That's very funny. The crooner

is now becoming the comic.

Phil, let me tell you something.

There's a lot of sense in what you say,

and I have to admit it.

But the kind of girls

you and I meet in this business,

they're young and they're ambitious.

They're full of their own careers.

Not interested in getting married,

settling down, raising a family.

That's funny, Bob. I never heard you

open up like that before.

Someday, the right girl

is gonna come along,

and if she'll have me,

we'll get married. We'll settle down.

We'll start having

those nine kids for you.

Forty-five minutes going to be enough?

- If I need any more, I'll tell you.

- Come in!

Your railroad tickets, sir.

Drawing Room A, Car 207.

- Thanks. Grab those, will you, Phil?

- Here.

We'll go right over to the station

from Novello's

- after we audition this act.

- What kind of an act is it?

- It's a sister act.

- We don't need any sister act.

What are we wasting time for?

Well, I got a letter from Benny Haynes.

They're his sisters.

Do you remember Benny Haynes,

the old mess sergeant?

Freckle-Face Haynes,

the dog-faced boy?

- That's the kid. Yeah.

- He's got sisters?

- Claims he's got them.

- Come on now.

How can a guy that ugly

have the nerve to have sisters?

Very brave parents, I guess.

- Bob, will you do me one favor?

- What's that?

Give me one reason, one good reason,

why we should spend

our last two hours in Florida

looking at the sisters of Freckle-Face

Haynes, the dog-faced boy.

Let's just say we're doing it

for a pal in the Army.

Well, it's not good, but it's a reason.

- Hey, Novello.

- Good evening, Mr. Wallace, Mr. Davis.

Say, have the Haynes Sisters

been on yet?

No, sir, not yet.

They'll be on in about 15 minutes.

- Tell them we're here, will you?

- Certainly, Mr. Wallace.

Luigi, show these gentlemen

to their table.

This is ridiculous. We could have

been out with Doris and Rita

having some laughs.

Phil, when are you gonna learn

girls like that are a dime a dozen?

Please, don't quote me the price

when I haven't got the time.

- Who is it?

- It's me. Novello.

Bob Wallace and Phil Davis

are out front to catch your act.

- Wallace and Davis?

- They got a letter from your brother.

He asked them to take a look

and give you some advice.

Come on now. You'd better hurry.

Isn't that fabulous?

Wallace and Davis here to see us.

Yeah, fabulous.

Who'd have thought that of Benny?

What a brother!

- What a sweet, wonderful guy!

- Amazing.

I wonder whatever gave him the idea.

Well, he probably knew we were here,

you know,

and that they were in town

with the big show.

He probably figured

we were too shy to take advantage

of an old Army friendship to call...

Judy, did you read Mother's letter

this morning?

- No. Why?

- Benny's got a job in Alaska.

He's been out of the country

for three months.

Well, he could have written from Alaska.

Rate this script:5.0 / 2 votes