White Settlers

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Babe.

We there?

No, sorry. Would you give her

a call? We're gonna be late.

Got a bit lost to be honest.

- There's no signal.

- No signal at all?

Welcome to Scotland.

You not excited about this?

No, this is great.

If this place

can be ours at this price...

...it'd be amazing.

- It's a lovely view.

- It's gorgeous.

Aye, it's gorgeous.

It's gorgeous.

Och, I cannae believe it.

It's beautiful.

Scotland, here we come.

- Mrs. Chapman.

- Yes, hello.

Hello. I'm Flo. Flo Douglas

from Armstrong and Graham.

So lovely to meet you.

I'm Sarah.

This is my husband, Ed.

- Hello.

- Hello. Welcome to Castle Farm.

Thank you, I'm sorry we're late,

I think we took a wrong turn

somewhere.

If you're not familiar

with the lay of the land

it's easy to run into trouble

around here

and your mobile phones

will be of no use.

They're still a thing

of the future.

You won't be able

to survive out here.

I can do without my phone.

I don't think so.

It's glued to her hand.

Um...

- Shall we look at the property?

- Yes, please.

So, the main house

and the outbuildings

date back to the 19th century

but parish records show

that there's been a settlement

of one kind or another

on this spot since the 1300s

so it comes with

a lot of history.

Was there really a castle here?

It was Peel House.

Not really a castle,

more a fortification.

It was the site

of a ferocious battle

between the Scots and

the English at one point.

Who won?

That depends on who you talk to.

So. There's two reception

rooms off the hallway here,

a kitchen to the rear

plus a cold store.

Upstairs, there's three

double bedrooms, one en suite,

one single and a bathroom.

And there's 1.5 acres,

I believe.

Ed, look at this.

Could have some cozy

dinner parties in here.

Do you know many people

in the area?

Not a soul.

Not to worry,

you'll soon meet folk.

Scotland's a very

friendly country.

- Sweet, aren't they?

- Yeah.

Has there been a structural

survey on this place recently?

Not that I know of, but I'm sure

everything's tickety boo.

These old houses

were built to last.

God, look at these views.

So what happened

with the previous owner?

Mr. Nixon.

He, um... He ran into bother

some years ago now.

He borrowed money from the bank

to keep the farm going,

couldn't pay it back.

Now it's owned by some

finance company in the south.

All that's left is the house,

the outbuildings

- and the field out back.

- Did they have to evict him?

No, he was here until the end.

Put up quite a fight, too.

Been in his family

for three generations.

He didn't have any family

to pass it on to?

Yes, he had a number of sons...

Some are still in the valley,

one's off fighting in the war,

but when old Willy died,

the house became

the property of the bank.

So did he die in the house?

- He did, yes.

- That's a shame.

Yes, it was...

It was very emotional actually.

Has there been much interest?

Well, there's a shortage

of property in the area

so there's always a lot of

interest from the locals.

And have there been any offers?

Yes, yes,

there have been offers,

but nothing realistic,

shall we say.

I guess a lot of people are put

off by the state of the place.

There's a lot of work that needs

doing before it's livable.

It's at a state of disarray,

that's true.

But for the local people

it's more the price

that's the problem.

For what there is it's amazing,

I mean it's quite reasonable.

By city standards perhaps,

but for the local market

it's, um, too much.

So it's ours

for the taking then.

It's exactly the kind of project

you've talked about for years.

Yeah, in Suffolk or Cornwall.

Can't afford a place

in Suffolk or Cornwall.

- This place is so cheap.

- That's because it's a wreck.

Nothing in this place works.

Aww.

You can make it work.

What will you be doing

while I'm making it work?

I'll be helping.

What? Do you think I'm

really useless at this stuff?

That's because you are

useless at this stuff.

OK, I am useless at this stuff

but if you teach me, with a

little patience, I could learn.

Look at those outbuildings.

Imagine what we could do

with them.

They'd make perfect

holiday lets.

It's gonna take

at least 18 months

before this place

is fit to live in.

Yeah, 18 months of

you being your own boss.

Taking things at your own pace

and doing them how you want.

Yeah, in Scotland,

where the weather is sh*t,

the food is sh*t,

the football is sh*t.

- So?

- And judging by this place,

the houses are sh*t.

OK, so,

do you want to go to work

on Monday, bowing to Fletcher

and keep doing what you've been

doing for the rest of your life?

- It's not what you want, is it?

- You know it's not.

So?

Let's sell up and move here.

Come on, baby,

let's have an adventure.

- I hate you.

- I know.

Ta-dah!

Ed, I've wired a plug.

And the crowd goes wild.

Is that you? Sarah?

- Sorry!

- For f***'s sake.

Is there anything

I can do to help?

Yeah, stay away

from the DIY manual.

Sorry.

- Jesus!

- You alright?

Gosh, you gave me a fright.

We have a visitor.

- Hello, mate.

- Do you want a biscuit?

He was in a bit of

a hurry to get somewhere.

Yeah.

Probably going home

to shag his sister.

- Ed!

- What?

You know what these

country folk are like.

If it isn't his mother

it'll be his sister.

Or his pet lamb.

Do you want me to make supper?

Some idiot has blown

the fuse box

so the cooker isn't working.

We're not going to have

power until tomorrow.

What are we gonna do

tonight then?

Well, I am gonna sit out back,

I'm gonna drink some beer

and I'm gonna have sex

under the stars.

I mean, you can join in

if you like.

- Can we not use the range?

- You'll burn your ass, babe.

Maybe just for the cooking then?

Yeah, maybe. If we can light it

without burning the house down.

It's weird having

no one else around.

Yeah.

- What are you doing?

- You trust me?

No.

Do you trust me?

I suppose so.

- Sarah.

- Undo your belt.

Get it out.

Do you want me to suck it?

I don't think

that's the best way

to make wild country bumpkins...

Do you want me

to suck your cock?

Yes.

Sarah.

Sarah.

Sarah?

Are you just gonna

stand there perving

or are you gonna get undressed?

It depends.

What is there to

get undressed for?

My God, you are

taking that to the charity shop.

F*** off.

- Give it here.

- No.

Give it here, please.

Wow, my perfect woman.

I have to brush my teeth.

Will you have a look?

Page four, curtains.

- Curtains.

- Please.

Ed?

Ed, hon.

Where are the toothbrushes?

I dunno.

Did you bring them in

from the car? Ed?

No, I didn't bring them in

from the car.

Baby, could you go out

and get them for me

because it's a bit dark?

Ed?

Ed?

Ed? I think

there's someone outside

- hiding in the yard.

- What are you talking about?

I just heard something

making funny noises.

Sarah, we're in the country,

alright?

Loads of things

make funny noises.

It was probably a fox or an owl.

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