Who Is Alice? Page #3

and both your legs.

- It's like, when you were hit,

I could feel it.

Although, no one was hit.

Because there is no I.

- Yeah, not anymore.

Would you like a coffee?

- Cut.

- Tom.

- I need a bit more sexual attraction,

none of this wet fish stuff.

- He is a wet fish, read the script.

Who writes this stuff anyway?

Okay, watch and learn,

this is a pick up line.

- Are you from heaven?

Because every time I look in those

eyes all I see is an angel.

- Yeah that's because you are a sleazebag.

- Tommy, I am taking a break.

Can I make you a coffee?

- Yes please.

- Americano, latte, cappuccino, espresso?

- Espresso please.

- Espresso okay.

- Look, I have been a fan

of yours for many years.

- Single or double espresso?

- Single.

I watched all the episodes

of Don't be a Dick.

It really is an honor to be part of it.

- Well, we had to make

some changes, didn't we?

We got ourselves a very nice new hot lady

and then they added the

spiritual stuff as well.

- Yeah, I love it.

- And now it's all we

have lost God and hope,

what's the meaning of life?

It's all a crock of bullshit

as far as I'm concerned.

But you know, you go with what works in

the moment until the next fad.

- Yeah, right.

- Nina.

- Alice.

- Thank you so much.

- You're welcome.

- So, you've got any

more projects coming up?

- I just wrapped on Red Rocks,

so for a nice change I get to concentrate

on Don't be a Dick.

- Red Rocks, that was with,

oh God what was her name?

- Lucy Anderson.

- I read in the tabloids that she

is putting her acting career on hold.

- Yeah, little Lucy.

She says it's because she wants

to become a mother.

But basically unfortunately

it's that lame excuse.

She is basically just too old.

Let me give you some advice.

You need to look at your career

like a soccer player does.

You've got till maybe

somewhere in your thirties,

the odd one or two will

make it until they're forty.

And then they go into teaching

or production or something.

Listen, that is a hard truth I know.

But I'm the good guy here,

I tell it how it is instead

of pretending it doesn't happen right.

It is more graceful to go out

on your own terms then

it is to get kicked off.

How old are you anyway?

- 29.

- Well baby we better get moving.

Excuse me, can we get a couple

more drinks here mate.

Listen if you've got the chops.

Maybe we could do a feature together.

- Oh, now that I really like the sound of.

- I thought you might.

- So, hello.

- Martin.

Martin I am right in the middle

of a conversation.

- I'm Alice's boyfriend.

- Boyfriend.

- Martin, you are not my boyfriend.

- Oh, so our kiss meant nothing?

- This is Walter Blackmore.

- Why are you doing this to me Alice?

- Okay, you know what sweetheart,

you need to sort your sh*t out

with your boyfriend first.

- No, no, no.

Just wait.

Walter, honestly I can explain it to you.

- Oh for fucks sake.

- I thought we had something special.

- Have you been following me?

- So, I'm not allowed to

have a drink in this pub?

- Oh my God.

Leave me alone.

- Do you like cake daddy?

- Yes I do.

- Mum says you ate another woman's cake.

- What?

- She said you ate another woman's cake

- Another woman's cake?

- Yeah, she said that's why she left.

- Well that's not exactly true.

I didn't eat another woman's cake.

- I eat cake at Jennie's house

and mum doesn't mind that.

- It's just that when you're married

you are not allowed to

eat other people's cake.

- You can only eat mum's cake?

- Yeah.

- And she can only eat your cake?

- Yeah.

- I think you two are

very bad at marriage then

because I've seen you both

eat other people's cake.

- Really?

- We have it at grandma's,

when we're in Spain, and at birthdays.

- Yes.

But that's allowed.

- Basically, mum can't

have cake from another man

and I can't eat cake from another woman.

So we can eat it as long

as it's not directly from

the opposite sex

or family or friends.

Family, friends, restaurants

and parties are okay.

- And you ate another woman's cake?

- I didn't eat it,

I just looked at it.

- You just looked at it?

- I looked at it when I was meant

to be eating your mum's.

- Mummy.

- Hello sweetie,

come on in.

- How are you?

- Yeah, I'm alright.

I've got a job on Don't be a Dick.

- Don't be a Dick?

Wow, great.

Can I come in, talk

about your custody papers

and your divorce?

- Just tell me.

What do you want to say?

- I can't believe this divorce.

Divorce because I flirt with a colleague.

- And the rest Mark.

- There is no rest.

I kissed her once and that's it.

- We hadn't had sex in months.

You could walk into a room

and I'd be naked and you

wouldn't even notice.

A woman knows.

- You are here in London while

I'm with her every night.

- Yeah blame me.

- You want it like this?

Do you like this?

Is this the way you want it?

You want me to file for full divorce,

full custody and the house?

Is that what you want?

Because I've spoken to a lawyer

and they've assured me I will win.

- And your true colors shine through.

- I still love you Alice.

- I'm not doing this.

- I love Don't be a Dick.

I've seen all of the episodes.

- Really?

- Yeah, you write for it don't you?

- Yeah.

- Did you write for all seven seasons?

- Yeah.

- Cool.

I write.

- Oh, really?

Anything I might know?

- I'm focusing more on

the writing at the moment.

I haven't really sent anything out.

- Oh, okay.

- The writing on this is incredible.

I mean those jokes that Dick tells

about your weight are always hilarious.

Not that you are

overweight really, I mean.

Maybe a little above average.

But it's not like you need lifting

out of the house by a

crane or anything is it?

- Oh Walter, I'm sorry about

what happened yesterday.

It's my creepy neighbor Martin.

- You make out with all

your creepy neighbors?

- It was just a kiss

on the cheek good bye.

He is a total freak.

- Okay next scene guys.

- Wow, it looks amazing.

- You wait till you see the inside.

- Hello?

Alice?

Hi Anna.

- Hello there, sign here please.

- Sign?

- Yeah.

- Thank you.

Good luck in court mate.

- You know what?

I want to do a feature with you.

My dad's got one that's come up.

The production company wants me

to star in it, of course.

But he actually thinks you'd be

a perfect leading lady.

And you should join the Blackmore Agency.

- I'm with Jonathan.

- My dad gets approached double, triple

what Jonathan does by

casting directors, producers.

- I've been with him since the beginning.

- He knows everybody who is anybody.

- All right, I'll think about it.

- Oh my god, look at your body.

Look at it, it's amazing.

- That is enough Walter.

- Oh my God that's beautiful.

- Stop it.

- Do you want a drink?

- Yes, a coffee please.

- A coffee, sure.

- Actually, make that a shot.

- A shot?

- Tequila, vodka, whatever you got.

- It's not even 11 AM.

- Where am I?

An AA meeting?

I have an impossible decision to make.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes