Who Made The Potatoe Salad?

---

Ocean five, ocean five,

be advised, your suspects are close by.

Multiple warning.

Dispatch, requesting

code one. Suspects exit the vehicle,

Officer Jones in pursuit.

South on 14th approaching Linda Vista.

Ocean seven,

Ocean seven, officer needs assistance.

Code 1 proceed at five. South Linda Vista.

I'm gonna get you, dawg.

I'm gonna get you, dawg!

You're just making it worse on yourself!

I'm gonna get you!

Gonna bury your ass right into jail.

Don't fight it. Don't fight it.

See, now I gotta hurt you.

Now I gotta put it on you.

Fat bastard, here we go.

I got you now.

I do this four times a week.

I do this in the morning.

I do it before I go to sleep.

Put your hands behind your back.

You done.

- What?

- Sh*t.

Yeah, right. Whatever.

All that Billy Blanks ain't gonna work.

Ain't no Tae Bo gonna save you.

I got police training, right.

- Oh, sh*t!

- Oh, sh*t!

Y'all get over here.

Can't y'all help somebody...

Y'all see what's going on with a brother?

Do a citizen thing.

Can't get my cuffs.

Get your hands out of my pocket!

Look what you did to my drawers!

What, you a freak or something, yo?

Are you serious?

Give me my pants, man.

Give me my pants.

Backup! Backup!

Damn!

- Hey! Hey, fool!

- Hey, f*** you.

What you gonna do?

What you really gonna do?

In his drawers? I'm clowning.

I'm gonna get the job done.

I'm gonna do what I gotta do.

We apprehended the suspect,

and he is in county,

waiting on a date right now.

"An officer was found

"in his drawers, handcuffed

to the jungle gym, in his own handcuffs."

Yup. But you see,

that was a diversion, okay?

So my fellow officers could move in

with the least amount of resistance.

- Back at you.

- Yeah.

It seems you often use

that exact same tactic.

I'm gonna do whatever I have to do

to make the arrest.

I mean, I don't care

if I have to use chewing-gum wrapper,

to slip past intricate alarm systems,

to bust up a stolen car ring.

- That's what I'm gonna do.

- Bullshit.

- That's what you are.

- When was your last collar?

My last collar was...

- When was your last collar?

- Guys! Guys!

- Tonight is the big night, right?

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Tonight is.

Yes, it is. Tonight,

I make my Ashley an honest woman.

You mean, now she can finally tell

how funny-looking you are.

Sorry.

What is with y'all?

You're supposed to be happy for a brother.

We are, man. I mean, I am.

We are happy for you.

We're just sad for her.

Suck my dick.

Anyway, dawg,

so where you gonna propose at?

You know what I mean?

You gonna take her to the beach...

Check it out, write it down.

Wait until sunset,

propose when the sun is like

over the horizon, you know what I mean?

It's romantic and it's quiet

and it's just like you and her.

You know what I mean?

The sand and all that beautiful...

- Dude.

- Sorry.

Sorry, I was just reminiscing.

That's how I proposed to my second wife.

She was a fat-ass, though.

She looked nothing like Ashley.

That's a fine piece of ass. Bang it on me.

You got one more time. One more time.

But seriously,

I got a proposal that's so hot,

I'm about to sweep this woman

right off her feet.

Are you okay?

These are for you.

- You look wonderful.

- Thank you.

- What are you doing?

- I'm doing the right thing.

We've known each other

for about a year now, Ashley,

I can't imagine my life before you,

and I definitely don't want

to imagine my life without you.

You complete me, baby.

I'm just kidding.

I was watching cable last night.

I knew I'd get you with that one.

No, but seriously, seriously.

I love you with all my heart.

Oh, my God!

Will you marry me?

Oh, my God.

Come on now, girl,

before I get rheumatism in my knee.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

- Oh, my gosh.

- I like to make her sweat it out.

Oh, baby, it's so beautiful.

Come here.

Can I get something to drink for you two?

Yes. We'll take a bottle of

Les Paymoo Strang Franais,

I don't believe we carry that...

He's kidding.

Just bring us your best champagne.

Yeah. Strang.

Oh, my gosh, we have so much planning to

do. Where are we gonna have it?

What am I gonna wear?

Who's gonna be our planner?

Oh, babe, babe, babe. Calm down, okay?

Calm down.

We've got plenty of time to plan.

I need to know,

are you ready for tomorrow?

Yes. Yeah.

Our train leaves for LA tomorrow at 12:00.

Cool. I can't wait to break the news

to your parents. Wait till they meet me.

Yeah.

Your champagne.

Now, this is how a man

should be introduced to your family.

Do you know, you gotta hide this

until we announce it, though.

Right. Right. Yeah.

Hey, you think we should do it

on Thanksgiving?

We'll just have to find

the appropriate time.

Well, you're right. You're right.

We should just let it happen naturally.

Baby, even if you don't click

with my family, will you still love me?

Of course. I mean, of course.

Hey, remember this: love conquers all.

And I love you.

I love you.

But you know deep down inside

I'm gonna click with your family.

- Do I?

- I mean, come on, look at me.

What family could resist

these boyish good looks?

- Okay.

- I mean, seriously, look at me, okay.

I can borrow a cup of sugar

from any white family on this block.

You know this.

You are so stupid.

- Let's go.

- Let's go.

Mama. Hey, Daddy.

Well,

it's so nice to meet you, baby.

Ashley, you didn't tell me he was this fine.

Nice to meet you.

Heard a lot about you.

Yeah, well, I told my daughter about

putting my business out in the streets.

Have to remember never to fold

under questioning.

- Daddy.

- Jake. Would you leave that boy alone?

I was just having a little fun with him.

Come on, boy, put your bags in.

You guys put your bags

in the back of the trunk.

Girl, I like what you did

with your hair.

That's mine.

Duck hunting.

Oh, that's what I figured. Yeah.

Go on, put your bags in there.

I was holding those for my boy,

back home.

We were...

You wanna...

Wanna just help me with this, so we can...

You know what? You're good.

Okay, there we go.

All right, you can get in the car now.

So, Mike,

what do you do for a living, son?

Daddy, don't start.

Ashley, baby, correct me if I'm wrong,

but I think I have the right to know

what the nigga that's popping

my daughter's coochie does for a living.

So, son, what is it that you do for a living?

I'm a cop.

What?

Ashley, you didn't tell me

this motherf***er was a pig.

I don't think it mattered anymore.

Jake, come on now,

that was many years ago.

Wait, wait, wait, what was years ago?

Jake did some time in the joint

for attempted murder of a police officer.

That's all.

It wasn't no

motherfucking attempted murder.

It was self-defense.

- Daddy...

- I don't want to hear it, Ashley.

Whatever is said or done

while you and this sell-out are around,

it stays right here. You understand me?

You got that, pig?

- Huh?

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

- We're gonna talk.

- Sh*t.

So, welcome

to our humble home, Michael.

Oh, yeah.

This is nice. This is nice.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes