Wild Cherry

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So, this is my senior

year of high school.

I've spent the last four years with a

bunch of horny football players and, uh

sex-obsessed teenagers.

So I figured I'd find out

what the big deal was.

I was 19.

I was 17.

Seventeen.

I think I was 16.

Fourteen.

Ah, we went for about 45

minutes the first go, yeah.

Um, not very long.

About threes minutes, actually.

I was so damn scared I put my condom

on before I took off my pants.

It wasn't that great, honestly.

It was kinda embarrassing and we

didn't know what parts went in where.

And unfortunately it was the

worst experience of my life.

It lasted three seconds, there was no

magic, and his mother walked in on us.

We were on a bed and we

were making out and stuff.

Then she went down, came

up, and then I looked up

and she turned around and there was

a room full of people watching us.

She grabbed her vodka, she screamed,

and she bolted out the door.

Last time I ever talked to her.

So wait a second, did

you actually make love to her?

Yeah. Well, I made

love to her face.

I think I made it into this big

thing and then I was disappointed

because it wasn't what I

thought it was going to be.

Well, my first time's gonna

be with Stanford, of course.

It's gonna be really romantic.

We'll light candles and we'll

play some French music

and he'll pick me up

and carry me to the bed

and we'll just like,

fall into each other

and have the most

amazing connection.

Like, be in total

sync with one another.

Ow! Franklin?

Will you watch it?

Yeah, sorry.

Helen, you okay?

I'm fine.

All right.

Look, he wants you. Screw the speculative

romance crap and just do it already.

Chase! I just don't think you

should rush into anything.

I mean, it's your first time, it should

be special, you know. Like, plan it out.

I know, but...

What's there to plan?

Condoms, lube, room.

I meant be emotionally prepared

so you don't regret anything.

I am. I think.

Look, everyone's first time sucks.

That's why next party I go to

I'm finding the hottest, drunkest guy

I can and just getting it over with.

I'm gonna be in

New York next year.

That is such a

slut-bag thing to do.

Exactly.

Look, all I'm saying is

you should just do it.

Why?

That's why.

It's good.

They're just friends.

Yeah, you know, I stretch with my

friends like that all the time.

Whatever.

Let's hit

those dummies, boys!

I hear she likes it

rough, Frankie boy.

Skeets, let's leave

the doll playing for home.

C'mon.

Ah, you sexy beast.

Freak.

She's all yours, buddy.

Wait, wait.

Ah, right.

We should plan this better.

Okay, yes, let's, uh,

let's plan away then.

Well, Saturday my dad's

finally out of the house.

Saturday? Okay, yeah.

Saturday's good.

Saturday. Done.

Okay.

Okay. I gotta

go, all right?

Hey, I heard Hannah doesn't

shower after practice.

You mean cheerleader Hannah?

Yeah.

She's nice

but she probably wears the same

underwear for like a week straight.

I just thought you should know.

Well, I don't know, you guys were just

pretty close when stretching earlier.

Oh, babe, come on. We're just...

we're just friends. You know that.

Yeah, okay.

All right.

I gotta go.

- Okay.

- All right.

Bye, babe.

Bye.

Bye, Dad.

I'm off to Chase's.

Hey, could you come

in here for a second?

I was gonna kiss you goodbye.

Oh, my God. Dad?

Look, as your parent

I feel it's my responsibility to at

least discuss this stuff with you.

Dad, I'm almost 18.

I don't need to hear this from you.

This is a female contraceptive.

It goes, um, in.

My God.

It's got no

hormonal side effects.

Uh, it's doctor recommended, and

you've got to use it six hours

before the, uh, event occurs.

I'm leaving. Bye! Thank you for

another painful childhood memory.

Hey, will you come here?

You think you're embarrassed?

I had to go down to the pharmacy

and actually buy this sh*t.

Anyway, this is the vaginal

contraceptive film.

I did not know this product existed

until about five hours ago.

Dad, this is even more embarrassing than the

time you brought me Maxi-Pads to school.

Super Maxi-Pads!

I didn't know what size to get.

How was I supposed to know

there were different sizes?

Nobody talks about that stuff.

Anyway, this is the cap.

Also known as

the, uh, diaphragm.

You take this gel and

it kills

the guy's... spunk.

Dad, I don't think I could ever have

sex after hearing this from you.

Good. So you haven't?

Bye!

Oh, hey, don't forget the

old standby, the condom.

Make him wear two of these.

At least two!

Well, that went well.

Gentlemen, we have

earned a right of passage.

The Buccaneer Bang Book.

Between these covers,

lay our virgins.

And we know what

to do with them, yes?

C'mon, Skeets. I mean, Isn't this whole

thing like a big superstition, really?

Wha...? A-a superstition?

What happens in these pages

symbolizes what happens out

on that football field.

It unites us men

for a single cause.

Need I remind you

of what happened in 1979?

They went down as the biggest

losers our school has ever seen.

Now, we can ether be a

bunch of cock block losers

or we can have history

remember us as winners!

You pick.

I pick winners.

Wow, thank you, Marco.

Now, let's start the show.

The man who started it all.

To you Pete, we owe everything.

Now, let's get to our virgins.

Trish Van Doren.

I get Trish Van Doren,

'cause she's hot, okay?

And I know she's always

had a thing for me, so.

- Franklin, buddy?

- Yeah?

Hey, I'm giving you Katlyn Chase, okay?

Now, she's a freak.

She's a freak in, in what way?

Just, you know, help her

with her video equipment.

Marco? Condoms.

Marco! Hey, you get Hagatha.

But she's so "fugly"!

No, no, no, no. Hey, hey, "fugly" is

the new pretty. Okay? Suck it up.

Scar, you get Sabrina. Now, she has total

nympho potential, you'll be into that.

Time to make her

dreams come true.

Condoms.

Okay. And Stanford, buddy, I mean, I

trust you and Helen are on course?

Uh, yeah. We're all set

for this Saturday night.

Good. At least one of you

ladies is making progress.

Marco, give the

man some condoms.

Thank you.

Now, for the rest of

Morgan, Amy

Ashley, Steph, and Maria.

All right, let's

bring it in, boys.

One, two, three.

Who can tell me what else

the Greeks invented. Trish?

Um, money?

Yes. Sabrina?

Greek salad.

I suppose. Amy?

Democracy.

Sure. What else?

Yes, Skeets?

Hand-to-gland combat.

Exactly the answer

I was looking for.

Although people have been

masturbating since, well, forever

It was the Greeks that were much more

open to the idea of self-pleasure.

So much so that

they invented this.

It's called an olisbos.

It helped give women the power to orgasm

while their men were away at war.

So, basically, Greek women realized

that you don't need a guy to get off.

It also helped curb what they

thought were destructive thoughts.

Hot.

Men used them

for pleasure as well.

Skeets!

Which takes us to our next play.

Lysistrata.

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