Winter Sleep Page #10

That was all I had left in life.

You can have them too.

Take everything I have.

Dear Nihal,

why are you talking like that?

Take them all.

Take them, they can all be yours.

Take these too.

Here.

- Take them.

- What are you doing?

Oh, my dear Nihal.

You're acting like a child.

What can I say?

When you understand

how important this is,

you'll come and thank me.

Wait and see.

Nihal, listen.

Here are all your documents back.

I didn't look at them much.

Because I've changed my mind.

I'm not going to get involved,

stick my nose in.

To tell the truth,

I felt a little bit lazy.

I have enough work already.

So, you do whatever suits you.

In the meantime, I'm leaving

tomorrow. I've decided to go.

At least till the end of winter.

The hotel's never too busy in winter.

Hidayet is here.

Tomorrow I'm going to Istanbul.

Nihal, cut it out, for God's sake!

I said I'm leaving,

what more do you want?

Your altruism

brings tears to my eyes.

Do you remember?

You once told me

that if I could change

some of my behaviour,

you would forgive me completely.

Remember?

Which means...

for you I'm guilty of something.

Therefore,

calmly and briefly,

in terms I can understand,

I ask you to tell me

what I'm guilty of.

I'm too tired, I can't talk now.

Later maybe.

What kind of guilt is that?

What have I done to you?

Is that you're young, beautiful

and would like to live your life?

I'm much older than you

and you hate me for that?

Is that my guilt?

I didn't force you to marry me.

I never restricted your freedom.

You live as you wish, independently,

in your part of the house.

You have even set up

a huge committee here.

If you want even more freedom,

it's yours.

No one's stopping you.

I mean it.

If you want a divorce,

I won't stop you either.

I don't want anything like that.

Of course, I wanted to marry you.

It's not that I'm young,

and you're old,

or I could love someone else

if I was free.

I always felt

I'm older than you anyway.

But you're an unbearable man.

You are selfish, spiteful, cynical.

That's what you're guilty of.

Possible.

Maybe I'm like that, I don't know.

At least I can admit my mistakes

from time to time.

But I've never once seen you

take the blame for anything.

Am I wrong?

If you intend to nag all night,

I should let you know,

I don't have the strength

to answer back anymore.

I don't want to nag at all.

But I have to ask again.

I need to know.

What am I guilty of?

What kind of guilt is it?

What have I done to you?

True.

You're actually a well-educated,

honest,

fair and conscientious man.

Generally you are like that.

I won't deny it.

But you sometimes use these virtues

to suffocate people,

to crush and humiliate them.

Your high principles make you

hate the whole world.

You hate believers,

because for you, believing is a sign

of underdevelopment and ignorance.

But you also hate non-believers

for their lack of faith or ideals.

You dislike the old

for being conservative bigots

and not thinking freely.

And you dislike the young

for thinking freely

and abandoning the traditions.

You defend the virtues of community.

But you suspect everyone

of being a thief or a bandit,

so you hate the people, too.

You hate practically everybody.

Just once,

I'd like you to defend something

that might cost you

and have feelings

that don't benefit yourself.

But that's not possible.

In the past, you stopped us

splitting up, using various methods.

Well, maybe it worked both ways.

I was too young to leave.

I didn't have the courage

or the money.

Or anywhere better to go.

But didn't you feel any remorse

seeing a young, healthy,

proud, lively woman

wither away

in emptiness, boredom and fear?

I felt fear in our first years.

Now I feel ashamed.

My best years have been wasted.

I shed all my good qualities

to struggle with you.

I've become tough,

coarse, timid and suspicious.

What else can I say?

I'm not even sure

I could express anything.

But our paths have now parted

even if it's under one roof.

We should each go our own way.

We could've had a better life.

But it's too late now.

You wouldn't know, but...

people like me who grew up

in villages with not even electricity,

understand the joy and pleasure

of being in a small,

warm, cosy room like this,

listening to my wife's voice,

even if she is screaming

in my face how bad I am.

Our youth was very dull, Nihal.

We didn't know how to be happy.

So we may not know

how to make others happy.

But as I said,

we had no bad intentions.

We set out with good intentions,

pure, innocent dreams.

We wanted a better life and society.

Sorry, but I don't believe you.

I've heard it all before.

You're not on stage anymore.

We all start with good intentions.

But as you said, the road to hell

is paved with good intentions.

So all this means nothing.

All these fine words

sound ridiculous to me now.

When you start talking like this,

I feel like you're pulling

trick number two to get your way.

Yet I've never understood

what you really want from me.

Even so,

I'll ask you one more time.

Whatever you call my activity,

self-deception or feminine logic,

leave me alone.

Because this is my only consolation.

I spent my entire youth

fighting with you.

Now, thanks to this work,

I believe in myself again.

I have found a meaning

to my dull life here.

A purpose that makes me feel proud.

So, at least allow me that.

Nihal, darling.

You're a good-hearted,

smart, rational, sensible woman.

Everything you say and do

is very reasonable.

It really is.

But...

not seeing a man for what he is,

idolising him like a god,

and then being mad at him,

because he's not a god.

Do you think that's fair?

I wish I were the successful,

charismatic actor you dreamed of.

But I am not.

I'm a simple man.

And what's worse,

I'd like to stay that way.

Anyway...

I'm leaving in the morning.

Don't worry, I won't be back

before spring.

But give me that list,

so I can make a small donation.

Do as you please. I don't care.

The list is there,

write what you want.

I signed it an anonymous donor.

And left the money here.

All right?

I hope things turn out

as you'd like.

Do as you want.

And don't forget I'm there

if you need any help.

But beware of that teacher.

He looked like the sneaky,

scheming type to me.

I can smell his kind a mile away.

I suggest you work with people

who are conscientious, principled

and have moral sense.

One day, you'll understand better.

Conscience. Morals.

Ideals, principles.

The purpose of life.

You're always saying these words.

The words you always use

to humiliate, hurt,

or denigrate someone.

But if you ask me...

if someone uses these words

this much,

he's the one to suspect.

Anyway, I'm tired.

I'd like to sleep,

if you don't mind.

Necla?

Go on.

Should we check again

before we set off?

I called already.

No flights,

but the trains are running.

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