Wish I Was Here

1

When I was a kid,

my brother and I used to

pretend we were heroes with swords.

We were the only ones

who could save the day.

But perhaps we set

the bar a little bit high.

Maybe we're just regular people.

The ones who get saved.

Dad?

What's your password?

What?

I said, what's your password?

Dad!

I have no f***ing idea!

Swear jar.

F*** the swear jar.

- Aidan.

- I'm sorry, but f*** the swear jar.

That word means sex. You're gonna

have sex with the swear jar?

Okay, Tucker, that's enough, honey.

The code's 1234. What are you doing?

The swear jar is full. Look at it.

The swear jar is all the money

we have to send you to college,

so you should be happy I curse.

I heard you, Dad.

Rabbi Perlman says that cursing

is for the simple-minded.

Well, Rabbi Perlman's

breath is so bad,

it makes God question why he even

bothered creating the universe.

Rabbi Perlman's

praying and God's like,

"Please stop, Perlman.

You're welcome.

"You're welcome!"

Well, if you can curse, then we all

can curse. Is that what you want?

- Fine.

- No!

Grace is not gonna curse.

Fuckhead.

Wow!

- Gracie!

- Whoa!

Mom, Dad said that the other day

when someone stole his parking spot.

I did say that, babe,

but he was a fuckhead.

He was in a yellow Hummer.

Who drives a yellow Hummer?

What, is he going to war on the sun?

Dad, we need this car.

We are not getting an Aston Martin.

But for the next minute only,

you can curse.

Then, hairy balls.

Okay. Come on, guys.

Up, up, up. Seat belts.

Tucker! Yarmulke. Tzitzit.

Oh, come on. What is

wrong with you, man?

Get it together.

I was thinking about

that Aston Martin.

Stop thinking about that car.

It's time to start thinking

about the plight of the Jews.

- What does "plight" mean?

- I have no idea.

Ask the rabbis. That's what

we're paying them for.

Aidan, you have to talk

to your father today.

He still hasn't paid

this semester's tuition.

I hate talking to him about money.

When was it due?

Months ago.

Okay, and they're threatening

to kick the kids out of school

if they don't get a check

by the end of this week.

Maybe it's time we put

them in public school.

- No!

- Yay!

Oh, no, no, no, we're not

putting them in the public school.

I'll talk to him today, okay?

Avoid the rabbis if you see them.

I always do!

- Bye, Mom!

- Bye, baby.

Bye!

Bye, sweetie.

You need help gearing

up back there, Yentl?

Don't call me Yentl.

You can call me Yentl.

I love that movie.

I know. I know.

The boys get to do all the

cool things to honor HaShem,

and I won't get to do anything

remotely cool until I buy my sheitel.

Sheitel? What's that again?

It's a modesty wig.

So, when I get married,

I'll shave my head

and wear a wig for

the rest of my life.

That way only my husband

will find me pretty.

No offense, but that's the weirdest

tradition I've ever heard of.

And it wouldn't even work on

you because you're so pretty

that you'd look even

prettier with a shaved head.

So, it would defeat

the whole purpose.

- Bye, Dad.

- Bye.

Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Hey, guys.

Tucker. Come here. Drill.

I knew it.

I told you. Drill stays at home.

Thank you.

Now go be Jewish.

Why? It's so boring.

I have no idea. Ask the rabbis.

Shalom.

I got it right here.

Oh, come on.

Sorry, just give me a second!

Shalom, Mr. Bloom.

Hey, Rabbi Rosenberg.

Mr. Bloom, Rabbi Twersky

would like to see you in his

office if you have a moment.

Oh, you know, today I can't.

Today, believe it or not,

a moment is something

I just don't have.

I'm gonna have to take a rain check.

Speaking of rain, as you know,

every year to celebrate the

holiday of Tu Bishevat,

we ask the children to donate money

to have a tree planted in Israel.

Yeah, I heard about that, Rabbi.

But when you think

about it, how many trees

do they really need over there?

I feel like Israel is

pretty good on trees.

Which is why, Mr. Bloom,

we encourage the children to plant

a seedling in their own backyard.

You never picked up

your seedling, Mr. Bloom.

Oh, no, no, I'm fine.

Oh, there it is. Okay. Thank you.

Just try not to smoke it.

Clever.

Baruch Hashem.

Yes, bless God. Bless everybody.

I ask you, sir. How many

bangs did Jesus hear?

This entire case is

dependent on your testimony

that on the night of January 7th...

This sh*t is horrible.

In college, I did Othello.

We all did.

Yup.

Aidan, Paul.

Can I just speak to you both

here for a quick second?

Yeah, sure. Hey, Terry.

Uh... Didn't your agents call you?

We've decided to go

African-American with the role.

Oh. You've got to be kidding me, man.

I've been memorizing this all week.

Does he have to be

a dark black person?

What if he were light-skinned?

Uh...

I'm sorry, guys.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What about Ortega?

Ortega, there's a guy on

the witness stand, Ortega.

He's an older Hispanic man.

Hola, seor.

I am on the witness stand

and I only heard one bang.

Uno bang.

There was only one uno bang.

Not three. Uno.

Aidan, please tell me you're not

trying to be an older Hispanic man.

I'm just trying to show

you my range, man.

I really, really need a part.

I'm sorry, guys, all right?

If it's any consolation,

I thought you were Hispanic.

- Gracias.

- De nada.

F***!

Oh, yeah, do me like that.

Come on, harder, harder! Oh, yeah.

Catch you at a bad time?

Dad, what the hell?

Trouble in the bedroom, Aidan?

Men have man needs.

Those man needs need to be met.

Well, Sarah doesn't really care

about my man needs right now, Dad.

We have a lot going on.

So, you're taking things into

your own hands, so to speak.

Hilarious. Why haven't you

paid the yeshiva tuition, Dad?

I have aggro rabbis

stalking me in crosswalks.

It's like an Orthodox zombie movie.

We need to talk. But can you

please clean yourself up first?

I can't talk to you with

your pants at your ankles.

Fine.

Kugel, no. Kugel!

Sorry.

I know you can't stand the dog.

He's usually so well trained.

If you trained that dog to

piss everywhere but the lawn,

then you did an incredible job.

Pool looks good.

What are you growing,

typhoid or hepatitis?

What's going on with the fence?

You have a nice little slice

of Mumbai back here, Aidan.

The yard has been this

way since we moved in.

Are you gonna comment on

it every time you see it?

I haven't gotten a decent check

since I did that dandruff commercial.

Ironically, you still have dandruff.

What is going on with

the tuition checks, Dad?

We had a deal.

You said you'd cover it

as long as you got to pick the school.

And you did.

You have your indoctrinated,

little religious grandchildren.

You cannot make me hound

you for these checks.

The cancer's back, Aidan.

I didn't want to worry

you till I knew for sure.

- But now you do.

- Now I do.

And it's pretty bad.

How bad is "pretty bad"?

It's metastasized

from my lungs, spreading.

Oh, my God.

Found this place out in Malibu.

Treats your own stem

cells and then injects

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