Wish I Was Here Page #2

them right back into you.

Good as new.

But I'm going to have

to pay out of pocket.

So...

So, I can't afford the

school anymore, Aidan.

I'm down to my last savings and

I decided to spend it on this.

So, you win.

My father has cancer, my children

have to drop out of school,

and I don't have a job.

How could I possibly be winning?

God works in mysterious ways.

This is particularly mysterious.

Oh, one more thing.

I'm gonna be laid up for a while.

I'm gonna need you to watch Kugel.

Oh! There's so much

bad news all at once.

What do we do?

What do you mean, "What do we do?"

We move forward.

It's the only direction God gave us.

Hi, sweetie.

Noah!

I know you're in there.

I can hear you trolling.

Noah, I'm not leaving!

Go away!

Dude, I drove all the way out here.

Open the f***ing door.

What's the password?

Um... Is it,

"Your father's dying and

I need to talk to you"?

I knew that was it.

Sunlight, Noah. Noah, sunlight.

Is Dad really dying again or

are you just crying wolf?

It's all over his body, Noah.

The wolf is here.

Kugel, no!

No, no, no, don't stop him.

I can't stand that f***ing guy.

Get over here. Kugel!

Lie down.

Your can looks good.

You know when you make

fun of my trailer, Aidan,

you're making fun of

my inheritance from Mom.

She wanted me to live how I choose.

And to be free to pursue

the goals that I have.

And what are those goals?

I thought you were gonna, like,

develop an iPhone app or something.

No, no, f*** apps. F*** apps.

It's a saturated market.

I'm gonna start blogging.

Look, I have two problems and one,

I think you might be

able to help me with.

- What?

- Kugel.

- F*** off.

- Dude, I can't raise two kids

and go on auditions and

take care of this dog.

Absolutely not.

Are you kidding me?

This is our father.

Our father. You have

to rally with me.

Oh. Okay. So,

when you get old and sick,

everybody's just supposed to

forget that you were an a**hole?

I know he's not easy.

Trust me, no one knows

that better than me.

What's the other one?

What?

You said that there were

two problems, Aidan.

I will help you with the

one that's not that dog.

The other one is that

he's gonna try an

experimental treatment now,

and he can't afford to send the

kids to the yeshiva anymore.

Well, it sounds like you

really got your hands full.

Live long and prosper.

- Are you serious?

- I gotta get back to work.

A blogger never rests.

Don't you dare leave that dog.

...as he searches for his first love.

What a beautiful tortoise.

Can I say something that's

probably gonna piss you off?

I can't wait.

Why don't you homeschool them?

Are you kidding me?

What are we, Amish?

I've been looking online and there's

a whole new movement out there.

Cities that public

schools are suffering,

some parents are

considering other options.

Dad, can we buy drugs

at our public school?

What?

Uncle Noah said he used to buy

drugs at his public school.

No, man, that was the '90s.

This is LA. There's a weed

pharmacy on every corner.

All you need is 50

bucks and a headache.

- Honey, don't tell him that.

- If you're implying

you want me to give up acting,

you should just say it.

I think you should give up acting.

I will not give up acting.

We can't afford private school,

you're afraid of public school.

It's the middle of the school year.

You want to just drop these two

little indoctrinated matzo balls

into a school that's ranked

last in the district?

I agree with you,

but what's your plan, Dad?

Grace, what's the Hebrew

word for charity again?

Tzedakah.

Tzedakah.

Mr. Bloom, Baruch Hashem.

Please have a seat.

Do you ever watch these YouTubes?

YouTube? Yes, I've seen YouTube.

This kitten will not allow his

brother to sleep, no matter what.

You know kittens,

they're always doing something.

Mr. Bloom, please,

can I help you today?

Well, Rabbi, as I'm sure you know,

my father has been paying

our tuition here at Hillel.

Unfortunately, he's taken ill

and he can no longer afford

to cover us anymore.

Oh, yes, I've been

counseling your father.

I am deeply sorry about his illness.

Thank you.

I hope you're not withdrawing

the children from this school.

That's the thing.

We could only afford to

go here with his help.

Ah, yes. You're the actor.

- Yes.

- Uh-huh.

And your wife provides for the family

while you act.

Yes.

But I was hoping that

you might consider

giving us a little

tzedakah.

A tzedakah.

Mr. Bloom, if you want

to buy a gallon of milk

when you only have enough

money for a glass of milk,

you must first take that

money from somewhere else.

So, maybe you decided that

this week you will give up honey.

I'm not a honey guy, but go on.

If I give you charity,

I must take away funds from

one of the several families

to whom we currently

provide assistance.

Families who actually

need the assistance.

Not just someone who's made

a choice to be an actor

and thusly cannot

provide for his family.

But what about my dream?

I mean, doesn't God believe

in my pursuit of happiness?

No! That's the Declaration

of Independence.

Thomas Jefferson cared

about your happiness.

God wants you to provide

for your family, Mr. Bloom.

God believes your family

deserves both milk and honey.

Well, thank you.

Thank you.

I'm sorry to interrupt, Rabbi.

I'm sorry to interrupt

everyone. Grace!

Tucker, wake up!

Grace, Tucker, come on.

Put a wiggle in it. Come on.

Let's go, please. So sorry,

everyone. It's beautiful.

Shalom. Sayonara. Keep it real.

But I don't want to leave school.

I like it there.

And what about all my friends?

You'll make new friends, okay?

Better friends.

It's a horrible idea.

You don't know anything.

What are you gonna teach them?

How to do the acting?

There's websites, Dad. There's books.

It's only till the end of

the semester. We'll be fine.

You're burdening them

with your fears.

Just 'cause you got beat up in the

public school doesn't mean they will.

You got beat up?

- No. No.

- Oh, yes.

Tell them the truth.

They picked on him.

With his Dungeons & Dragons

and scientific-fiction movies.

I got in one fight.

You marry a half-Jew, you provide

your children with absolutely

no sense of spirituality or

faith in a higher power.

Now, for dessert,

you spoon-feed them all your fears.

It's a mess, Aidan.

Sweetie, look at the

outfit I got you today.

How cute is this?

I'm not wearing that.

Really?

I thought it was so cute and...

Mom, do my clothes embarrass you?

No. No.

Really, honey, they don't.

No, I want you to be

whoever you want to be.

"Whomever."

Whomever.

Then why do you want me to dress

like I'm on the Disney Channel?

I just thought that since

you're not going to yeshiva

that you might want to try

something more colorful.

What do you think?

I think that...

That God is testing

my faith right now.

And I probably shouldn't

make any drastic changes.

I'm sorry, Mom.

No, don't be sorry. It's fine.

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