Wish I Was Here Page #3

It's fine. Let's just

forget about it.

It's silly of me.

I'm gonna pray that God

helps Dad get a job and...

Mmm. Yeah.

...that Uncle Noah's

anti-depressants start to work.

And that you get happy, too.

I'm happy, sweetie.

Mom, no, you're not.

I know you're a hermit

and everything,

but if you don't stop that

f***ing dog from barking,

I am going to roll your

trailer off the cliff.

Kugel, shut the f*** up!

Why are you wearing Muppet pants?

They're not Muppet pants.

I'm working on my

outfit for Comic-Con.

Are you a Furry?

I hate that term.

I'm a character designer

of full-size plush toys.

So you're a Furry.

Do you ever leave this trailer?

Are you always so abrasive?

Well, does your trailer

always smell like

the Burger King himself ate Grimace

and then sh*t him out all

over your living room?

Grimace is in Ronald

McDonald's posse.

Originally introduced in

November 1971 as "Evil Grimace."

You're mixing up your

fast-food character lore.

The fact that you know that

has told me everything I

need to know about you.

You know, when your

brother was six years old,

we thought something

was wrong with him.

I remember a psychologist at school

gave him this battery of tests.

When they come out, she says,

"He's not disabled. He's a genius."

I remember strutting around and I was

going about my business thinking,

"I'm the father of a genius."

Do you have any idea

how much pride I felt?

A lot.

I imagined us working together side

by side at the university one day.

High hopes.

Why is it that whenever we're alone,

all you want to talk about is Noah?

I can't even have a conversation

with him. I say hello, he says,

"How do you say

hello to me like that?"

Do you mind if I pick you

up after your treatment?

I have an audition that

I really want to go to.

This auditioning, when are

you gonna give that up?

I don't know, Dad. But not yet.

Well, you can hardly call

yourself head of the household.

- Thank you.

- I know it's 2014.

In my time, men would rather die

than let his wife work

her fingers to the bone

while he clowns around.

Okay, "clowns around."

You're forgetting

something that's very important,

and that is that Sarah loves her job.

She is living her dream.

Sometimes when I forget

to wear my underpants,

I get, like,

these little half-boners.

You know, like, aspirational boners.

"Someday I'm gonna grow up and

I'm gonna be a full-on boner."

Hmm. "Just have to work hard enough."

That was the half-boner talking.

I was doing his voice.

I figured that out, Jerry.

Can you please stop talking?

'Cause I have a

sh*t-ton of work to do.

And I, um, appreciate it.

Want a back massage?

Will you please shut the f*** up?

You're so f***ing inappropriate.

This is not a frat house, Jerry.

It is a place of business.

Whoa. Easy, Jane Fonda.

Just trying to have some fun at work.

Believe it or not, I don't

want to know about your dick.

Well, my dick doesn't want

to know about you, either.

- Good.

- How's that?

Yeah. So now we're ignoring you.

Hi, Jesse.

Hi, Grace.

How come you're not in school?

Bomb scare. What about you?

We're gonna be homeschooled.

Are you Amish?

No, we're Jewish.

But we just can't afford

private school anymore.

But I thought Jews ran Hollywood.

I thought so, too.

Maybe we're in the wrong

tribe or something.

Anyway, it's just till the end of the year.

I'm gonna go to Roosevelt

for seventh grade.

- Me, too!

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Cool.

Hey, um, so my sister always has

this big end-of-the-year pool party.

It's usually pretty awesome.

Do you want to come?

No, thank you. I never

learned how to swim.

And I don't even have a bathing suit.

Why not?

Well, God says that a woman's

supposed to keep her body covered up.

Okay, well, I guess you got a few

months if you change your mind, so...

Right. Cool.

Yeah. Okay, well, I'll see you later.

Yeah. See ya.

Okay.

- Bye.

- Bye, Jesse.

Okay, good morning, students.

- Good morning.

- Goodbye.

Okay, we'll start with attendance.

- Grace.

- Here!

And Too-ker?

This is boring already.

Oh. We'll take that as a "here."

Okay, I wanna focus on what

you're doing in school.

Grace, what are you currently

working on in school?

Geometry.

Geometry, geometry

This is the song for geometry

Okay, who knows what this guy is?

- Triangle!

- Great!

No extra points for yelling,

but you are correct.

Yay, recess!

No, no, no, no recess. Back, back,

back, no recess. Thank you.

And can you please sit on

your ass and not your head?

An ass is a donkey.

That's correct.

You get an A in biology.

- Dad?

- Yes.

I'm in honors math.

We're learning things like supplementary

and complimentary angles,

determining the area of a

three-dimensional shape, circumferences.

I know all that, Grace.

We're starting with...

We're starting with some

of the basic stuff,

and then going to the

good stuff, you know?

You go see Sting in concert,

he's not gonna just jump

into The Police songs.

You're gonna have to

hear a couple hours of

some wacky stuff with the dizzery-do.

Dad, I have to take a choom.

What's a choom?

It's how we say "sh*t" in school.

- Swear jar!

- I don't have any money.

See, that's where the whole swear

jar thing falls apart for me.

I'm the only one

putting money into it.

It's Hebrew for "brown."

Oh.

Got it!

You are free to leave the

classroom for your brown. Enjoy.

Grace, is this triangle

complimentary?

Or is it one of those

supplementary guys?

A triangle can't be

complimentary or supplementary.

Only the angles that comprise

it can be judged that way.

Right. Good. Good, exactly.

The triangle that you drew,

albeit poorly, is isosceles,

meaning that at least two of

its sides are equal in length.

Right.

So, for example,

what angle is complimentary

to a 45-degree angle?

Well, if they're gonna add up to 90,

it would be a 45-degree angle.

- Correct.

- Yes!

Good. Now for a

supplementary angle...

- Hey! Hey!

- Tucker!

What are you doing, man?

We're in the middle of a lesson.

I lied about having to choom, Dad.

I just wanted to kill the triangle.

No! Well, turn it off.

We are in the middle of school.

This isn't fun time.

I was pretending

the triangle was Arab.

What? Oh, my God. Who told you that?

Not all Arabs are bad.

Levi Goldfarb said all

Arabs want to kill Jews.

Well, Levi Goldfarb is wrong.

That's not true at all.

Well, how do we know

which ones are bad?

It's complicated,

and I didn't know we were

gonna get there on day one,

but, um, for starters

there's al-Qaeda.

The black weatherman?

No, that's Al Roker.

Al Roker wants to kill Jews?

No, buddy, he's very good

friends with Matt Lauer.

I'm pretty sure he's Jewish.

We'll Google it.

Grace is the teacher?

Yes, Grace is the

teacher for the minute.

Grace is so boring!

- Don't say that.

- No, I'm not!

I want to be the teacher!

Okay, you can be.

What do you want to teach us?

- How to be an idiot.

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