Witchtrap Page #2

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What makes you so sure

they're chuckleheads?

Maybe this house really is haunted.

Yeah, well, yeah, and maybe your parents...

aren't really first cousins either, Murph...

but I wouldn't lay odds on it, 'cause see...

if you're not a direct product of inbreeding...

than there really is a God...

and he's got a personal grudge

against you.

One of these days,

you're gonna go too far...

and then, I'm gonna

take you down a peg.

Yeah, fascinating.

Look, this is the bottom line.

Devon Lauder is offering us

an incredible amount of money...

to babysit these chuckleheads,

as you put it...

so that's what we're gonna do.

What is this we, white man?

He's offering you an incredible

amount of money.

Me, I go home with the same paycheck

every week...

no matter who the client is.

So, if you don't mind, Murph...

just count me out on this one, all right?

Well, I don't wanna count you out.

Look, you and Levi can handle

this just fine without me.

F*** Levi, he's gonna spend all weekend...

tryin' to get in that video technican's pants!

That's bullshit and you know it.

He may be a walkin' hard-on with feet...

but he's a good detective,

he does his job well.

Well, nevertheless, I want

you there in the morning...

and so does Devon Lauder.

He, uh, asked for you specifically.

Ho-ho, so that's it, I don't go...

you don't get your

incredible amount of money!

And you won't have a job...

'cause if ya f*** this up, I will fire you!

Count on it!

Well, that'll take me down a peg, won't it?

I'll fire your buddy Levi, too.

You are so full of sh*t, Murphy...

you're not gonna fire a good detective...

just to get even with me.

Detectives like Jackson

are a dime a dozen!

I only kept him around because, well...

he was the only person

you seem to get along with.

But if you go, he goes.

You're serious.

Goddammit, I gotta hand it to ya, Murphy,

I'm impressed.

I always knew you were a scumbag,

but I never knew...

how scummy a bag you could be.

Well, it's a dog eat dog world, my friend.

You gotta play hardball if you wanna...

beat the rats at the rat race.

How do you think I got to be the head

of Q.T. Security?

Suckin' the boss's dick?

Just be there in the morning...

bright and early, or you and Jackson...

can keep each other company

on the unemployment line.

Say hi to the other weasels for me, will ya?

It's OK, he's had his shots.

Man, look at this place.

I wonder how much a place like this costs?

Your very soul!

Man, I told you to knock that sh*t off!

It ain't funny, man!

I don't like this, I can feel the evil

in this house.

Yes, so can I.

Me, too.

Aw, get a grip, Jackson.

He's right, boss, we're not alone.

What are you talkin' about?

What is it?

Cremation urn.

Somebody's home.

Oh, man, this is bullshit!

Mr. Vincente, if you're finished

showboating...

please, put it back.

Somebody we know?

Avery Lauder, it was another

stipulation of his will...

that he be cremated and placed here

in his home.

Mr. Lauder was quite a character,

wasn't he?

Well, it would appear he's not the only one.

If there are no objections...

I suggest we have our first sitting right now.

I'm gonna need some

help with the equipment.

Uh, Vincente?

I'll get it.

Uh, Vincente, you check the upstairs doors

and windows

and I'll check the downstairs...

and make sure everything's secure.

Wait.

There's something behind those curtains.

Yeah, probably a window or something.

I'm serious.

These are filthy, these are absolutely filthy.

Let's go get the gear.

Who the f*** are you?

I'm Elwin...

the groundskeeper.

The groundskeeper?

Yes, I'm afraid I forgot to mention him.

He was Avery Lauder's stage assistant.

Stage assistant, what...

this Lauder was an actor or something?

Hardly, he was a very famous psychic

and illusionist.

Wait a minute, wait a minute,

this rings a bell.

Wasn't this guy a serial killer?

Oh, yeah, the Venue Slasher.

That was an unproven rumor.

No, no, no, no, it was a lot more

than a rumor.

He was a prime suspect,

as a matter of fact...

they were just about to arrest

him when he turned up dead.

That's right, and they found him

in this house...

with his heart cut out.

Now why wasn't I informed of any of this?

You didn't ask.

He never does, except how much.

Now, I resent that, Vincente.

I resent your mother for taking drugs...

when she was pregnant.

Is there anything else

you've forgotten to tell us?

No, that's it.

Yeah, sure, I'll be back in 15.

Uh, would you mind if I went along?

I'd like to see the rest of the house.

Sure, come on.

Elwin, will you take everyone's bags...

up to their rooms, please?

Yes, ma'am.

We might as well get the gear, too.

Might as well.

Mr. Murphy...

do you always allow your subordinates...

to address you with such total disrespect?

No, but Vincente's

never been able to keep...

any of his opinions to himself.

Then why do you put up with him?

Is he married to your sister

or do you merely have...

a soft spot for ill-mannered troglodytes?

You ever heard of the Thomas Knox case?

The, uh, TV actor and his family...

who were murdered in L.A.

Right, triple homicide.

It was on the books for 20 years.

Every cop on the force took a shot at it...

but no one could solve it...

and then some rookie,

fresh out of the academy...

cracked it in two months.

Mr. Vincente.

Yup, I get 90 percent of my business...

because Tony Vincente's on my payroll.

If he is such a master sleuth...

why isn't he still a member of LA's finest?

'Cause they didn't like

his smart mouth either.

Well, I suppose it's none of my business...

but if I were you, I would fire Mr. Vincente...

in spite of his reputation.

Oh, well, I think you may be right, Doctor.

It's none of your business.

Felix, did you hear that?

Are you gonna just stand there...

and let him talk to me like that?

Well, dear, the man does carry a gun.

So what do you videotape

with all this stuff?

Ghosts, if they show up.

You're shittin' me!

No, really, even though

you can't see them...

with the naked eye,

sometimes the camera...

will pick them up and put them on tape.

Well, scratch my ass.

Not until I know you better.

This is weird.

Not really.

A lot of these old houses...

had private chapels in the attic.

With an inverted cross?

Son of a b*tch.

Mr. Vincente, are you a religious man?

Oh, I'm sorry, I never discuss religion...

on any day with a y in it.

I didn't mean to pry, it's just...

that I'm very religious and well...

Miss O'Shea...

why don't you just say

what you followed me up here to say.

Avery Lauder was more

than just a psychic.

He was an extremely powerful warlock.

You mean a witch?

Yes.

The police found his body on this very altar.

His chest carved open,

burning candles everywhere.

Neither his killer nor

his heart were ever found.

You know, San Francisco's close by...

maybe he left it there.

Sure, make stupid jokes...

but I believe the police interrupted

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