With Honors Page #6

Often the patient succumbs

to pneumonia...

...or the strain on the heart causes

cardiac arrest.

There's really nothing to do but wait.

I'm sorry.

Harvard! Dinner's served!

Get it down here, boy!

I can't believe it.

What? It's a miracle I can cook. It's easy.

All you gotta do is talk a little Frenchy

while you do it.

I could use a good meal

before I get back to work.

Back to work. It's New Year's Eve.

Who do you think you are, Dick Clark?

Besides, didn't I give you back your thesis?

You should be finished by now.

I'm starting over.

- You tossed it?

- Yeah, I threw it out.

The whole thing?

Yeah, gone.

Boy, oh, boy. Eat up.

- Want to hear what the new one's on.

- Nope.

''Behold I do not give lectures

or a little charity.

''When I give, I give myself.''

This is great!

You must be feeling better.

You went out and shopped.

I didn't go out.

I eat what's handy. It wasn't hard.

Except for the plucking.

Plucking?

Gorky.

Happy New Year, Harvard!

Holy sh*t!

You think so? Looks like the regular

garden variety to me.

Where are you going? Shut the door!

Big baby? Now he'll probably

tell everybody.

- He's in the bathroom.

- Hi! When did you get back?

- What the hell is he doing in there?

- Taking a dump.

Bingo. That boy didn't go

to Harvard for nothing.

Honey, I'm home!

He goes right now!

Peace, children.

Mr. Wilder, how nice to see you.

I'm sorry, Jeff, but...

...he's our new Boz.

That's me, Boz.

I just flew in from Bali.

Boz, my long-lost brother!

Where's your tan, man?

We've been through this.

He gets money from Social Security.

He can pay for rent and food.

That's right.

I have the full backing and faith

of the United States government.

''God loves Americans''

You're telling me you want to live

with this guy? This guy's a psychotic.

Will you stop singing?

Sing a song every day,

keep your voices high and gay.

If everybody sings a song,

never will the world go wrong.

All right, so you can't carry a tune,

but can you cook?

Can I cook?

Does Madonna take her clothes off?

Do Hussein and Ghadaffi pull

each other's taffy?

Yes! But I don't do windows.

- You got Fridays.

- I'm in.

- I will not put up with this!

- Then don't.

Mr. Wilder will cover your rent.

Get out of my way, Jeff.

She's right, you big baby.

I have a complaint.

Boy, oh, boy. Let me help you with this.

My van still isn't fixed!

That's because I ran out of wine.

Oh, my God, he didn't even flush!

It's the Ides of March.

And to celebrate, we have a guest.

Is it Whitman's ghost.

Is it the slayer of Dragon Pitkannan?

No, it's...

The bum of the month!

You're a widely traveled man, an expert on

how to live comfortably away from home.

Would you say Harvard is

your favorite spot?

No way Jos!

No.

What's your favorite spot?

My favorite place...

...is a leper colony in Molokai.

- A leper colony?

- In Molokai.

Why?

Because I was the most

handsome guy there.

Jeff, maybe Molokas

where you should go.

Is that French toast?

I love French toast.

Even if it's made by my hands?

Still interested.

Done just right!

You put your socks in the oven?

Sure. Two hundred and fifty degrees

for five minutes.

I like my toes toasty warm.

You sure you don't want some?

Not now.

Little squeamish for somebody

who's going to become a doctor.

I'm not squeamish.

What kind of doctor are you going to be?

- Gynecologist.

- That's good.

Only way you'll ever get a young,

sweet thing to drop her drawers for you.

What are you, the Casanova of Skid Row?

You know why you hate me so much.

Cause I look the way you feel.

Why do you think the kids

tease you all the time?

They're jealous that I'm so handsome.

Well?

Pitkannan's going to implode.

Why?

You're attacking his whole belief system.

This has none of his pessimism!

''Advances in communication

and technology will eventually allow...

''...the United States to accomplish

its dream of pure democracy.''

That's right. Interactive cable's going

to save the world.

All I have to do is prove it.

It's crazy. It's great, I love it.

The only problem is I don't know

how I'll finish it in four weeks!

Maybe he'll give you an extension.

Department policy. If I don't have it

in on time, I don't graduate with honors.

You can do it.

You have confidence in me?

Yes.

No criticism?

Well, maybe one.

You're perfect.

Well, I'd better let you get back to work.

We don't want you graduating

without honors.

Goodbye, Gorky.

Hello, Bessie!

This is Everett Calloway,

waking you up on a beautiful Sunday.

New pajamas?

You look great!

A regular fashion plate.

Obituaries?

Studying up to write mine!

I'm copying you, Harvard.

Study first and then write.

Some of these things are really depressing.

Look at this guy, Barney Milstein.

The one with the three tacks.

''Barney Milstein...

''...age 79. Died Saturday.

''No survivors. No services.''

How could he die?

He didn't live!

I want you to read mine.

Just what I got so far, anyway.

Later.

I ain't feeling too good, Harvard.

I need your opinion now.

''Simon Wilder!

Born! Portland, Maine, 1942.

''Son of Hank and Anna.

''Married, 1962 to Lisa Thworston.

''Fathered one son in 1963.

''Left wife and son in 1963

to join the Merchant Marine.''

That's as far as I got.

What do you think?

I think that you should put things

in your obituary that you're proud of.

I thought it was supposed to be facts.

You had a wife and a son,

and you left them?

And you never came back?

It's not something I'm proud of, Harvard.

That's comforting.

I mean...don't you want to see him?

Do you think he'd forgive me?

Eat your breakfast.

What'd your father do to you

that was so bad?

What did he do?

He abandoned my mother.

I've got news for you.

When it comes to relationships,

everybody's a used-car salesman.

Is that your philosophy?

Don't trust anyone.

No, you've got to trust people.

But you can't believe in the warranty.

That's cute, Simon.

Really cute bullshit.

Harvard.

You'd be surprised...

...how different the view is on the way out

than on the way in.

Can I shut this off?

I have two invites to the Lynx.

This card will admit you and a guest

to the greatest bash of the year.

For you and The Face, I presume.

That means I'll have to make up

with him again.

Is he upstairs?

Do you have the Lynx? Great!

I'm sorry, I just couldn't worm

another one out of them.

For you, Lord Montague.

That's okay, Monty's a monk.

He'll take me as his date.

Sorry, Jeff. I've already got a date.

You do?

I'm taking Simon!

So, I guess I'll take you.

Great!

What about The Face?

He can fend for himself.

What are you gonna wear on your date?

I don't know because my evening gown

hasn't come back from the cleaners yet.

Honey, hasn't anyone told you?

Lynx is a pajama party!

Boy, oh, boy!

Did anybody ever tell you

you look just like Marilyn?

- Monroe?

- No. Schwartz.

Her father owns a deli where we get

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