Withnail & I Page #3

This doll

is extremely dangerous.

It has voodoo qualities.

Trade,

"Phenodihydrochrolide benzorex. "

Street, "the embalmer. "

Balls! I'll swallow it

and run a mile.

Cool your boots, man.

This pill's valued at two quid.

- Two quid? You're out of your mind.

- That's sense, Withnail.

You can stuff it up your arse for nothing

and f*** off while you're doing it!

No need to insult me, man.

I was leaving anyway.

Have either of you got shoes?

Monty's car.

Oh, hello! Come in.

Sit down, do.

Would you like a drink?

- Sherry.

- Sherry.

- Sherry?

- Sherry.

Sherry.

Do you like vegetables?

I've always been fond

of root crops,

but I only started

to grow last summer.

I happen to think the cauliflower

more beautiful than the rose.

Chin-chin.

- Do you grow?

- Geraniums.

Little traitors.

I think the carrot infinitely

more fascinating than the geranium.

Mmm. The carrot has mystery.

Flowers are essentially tarts,

prostitutes for the bees.

There is, you will agree,

a certain "je ne sai quoi,"

something very special

about a firm, young carrot.

Hmm, excuse me.

Do help yourselves to another drink.

What's all this?

The man's mad.

- Eccentric.

- Eccentric? He's insane!

Not only that,

he's a raving homosexual.

You beastly little parasite!

How dare you?

You little thug!

How dare you!

Beastly, ungrateful little swine!

- Shall I get you a drink?

- Yes, yes, yes, please, dear boy.

You can prepare me a small

rhesus-negative Bloody Mary.

You must tell me all the news. I haven't

seen you since you finished your last show.

Rather busy, Uncle.

TV and stuff.

My agent's attempting to edge me

towards Royal Shakespeare Company again.

- Oh, splendid.

- And he's just had an audition for rep.

Oh, splendid!

So you're a Thespian too?

Monty used to act.

One hardly says that.

I cracked the boards in my youth,

but I never really had it in my blood.

And that's what's

so essential, isn't it?

The theatrical zeal in the veins.

Alas, I have little more

than vintage wine and memories.

It is the most shattering experience

of a young man's life...

when one morning he awakes

and quite reasonably says to himself,

"I will never play the Dane. "

When that moment comes,

one's ambition ceases.

Don't you agree?

- It's a part I intend to play, Uncle.

- And you'll be marvelous.

Marvelous.

"It's gone.

"We do it wrong,

being so ma'jestical...

to offer it

the show of violence. "

Let's go. He's a madman.

Any minute now, he's gonna rush out

and get into his tights.

- Okay, okay. Any minute.

- The house or out.

Could I have a word

with you, Monty?

Oh, forgive me, dear boy.

Forgive me.

I was allowing memory

to have the better of me.

Shall I get you a topper?

Indeed, I remember my first agent.

Raymond Duck.

He was a dreadful little Israelite.

Four floors up

on the Charing Cross Road,

and never a job

at the top of them.

I'm told you're a writer too.

Do you write poems?

No. I wish I could.

It's just thoughts, really.

- Are you published?

- Oh, no.

Where did you school?

He went to the other place, Monty.

Oh, you went to Eton?

Get that damned little

swine out of here!

It's trying to get itself in with you.

It's trying for even more advantage.

It's obsessed with its gut.

It's like a bloody rugby ball now.

- It will die! It will die!

- Monty. Monty.

No, no, dear boy.

You must leave.

Yet again, that oaf

has destroyed my day.

Listen, Monty. Could I just have

a quick word with you? In private?

Oh... very well.

- Good night, my dears.

- Good night, Monty.

What's all this going off in private

business? Why did you tell him I went to Eton?

Because it wouldn't

have helped if I hadn't.

I'm just trying to establish you

in some sort of context he'd understand.

- What do you mean by that?

- I mean, free to those who can afford it.

Very expensive

to those that can't.

"All Along the Watchtower"]

- Scrubbers!

- Up yours, Granddad!

- Scrubbers! Scrubbers!

- Shut up!

Little tarts.

They love it.

I'm trying to drive this thing

as quietly as possible.

If you don't shut up,

we'll get stopped by the police.

- Give me the bottle.

- Look at that. Look at that.

"Accident black spot. "

These aren't accidents!

They're throwing themselves

into the road! Gladly!

Throwing themselves into the road

to escape all this hideousness!

Throw yourself

into the road, darling!

You haven't got a chance!

At some point or another,

I want to stop and get hold of a child.

What do you want a child for?

To tutor it in the ways

of righteousness...

and procure some

uncontaminated urine.

This is a device enabling the drunken

driver to operate in absolute safety.

You fill this with piss,

take this pipe down the trouser...

and cellotape this valve

to the end of the old chap.

Then you get horribly drunk,

and they can't f***ing touch you.

According

to these instructions,

you refuse everything

but a urine sample.

You undo your valve...

and give 'em a dose

of unadulterated child's piss,

and they have to give you

your keys back.

Danny's a genius.

I'm gonna have a doze.

- Are we there?

- No, we're not. We're here.

We're in the middle

of a f***ing gale.

You'll have to keep

a look out your side.

If you see anything, tell me.

Get hold of that map.

- Where's the whiskey?

- What for?

I got a bastard

behind the eyes.

I can't take aspirins

without a drink.

- Where's the aspirins?

- Probably in the bathroom.

We've come out here in the middle

of nowhere without aspirins?

- Where are we?

- How should I know where we are?

I feel like a pig

shat in my head.

Get hold of that map and look

for a place called Crow Crag.

There must and shall be aspirin.

Give me the keys.

Get out of the way.

If I don't get aspirin,

I shall die...

here on this

f***ing mountainside!

Christ Almighty!

Monty.

- What are you doing?

- Sitting down to enjoy my holiday.

Right. Now, we're gonna have to

approach this scientifically.

First thing we've got to do

is get this fire alight.

Then we split into two

fact-finding groups.

I'll deal with the water

and other plumbing.

You can check the fuel

and wood situation.

- What's that?

- The fuel and wood situation.

There's nothing out there

except a hurricane.

- This place is uninhabitable.

- Give it a chance. It's got to warm up.

Warm up? We may as well

sit around a cigarette.

This is ridiculous.

We'll be found dead

in here next spring.

I've got a blinding

f***ing headache.

We must have heat.

We've got to keep

this bastard burning.

Well, we've got enough

furniture for tonight.

Tomorrow we'll go down

that farm and get some logs.

Mistake, I'm telling you.

This was a dreadful mistake.

- Who's there?

- Me.

What do you want?

I'm a friend of Montague Withnail's.

He's lent us his cottage.

I wondered if you could

sell us some food... eggs and things.

Hmm?

What about wood and coal?

I'm not from London, you know.

I don't care

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