Withnail & I Page #8

and you will be held

responsible in law.

"Perhaps it is appropriate justice

for the eavesdropper...

"that he should leave

as his trade determines...

"in secrecy and in the dead of night.

- "I do sincerely hope that

you will find the happiness...

"which, alas,

has always been denied to me.

"I am yours ever faithfully,

Montague H. Withnail. "

Poor old bastard.

I would say...

that that represents

a degree of hypocrisy...

I've hitherto suspected in you but not

noticed, due to highly evasive skills.

Christ, Withnail.

You'll suffer for this.

What you have done

will have to be paid for.

I will say one thing for Monty.

He keeps a sensational cellar.

- Who's there?

- Telegram.

Well done.

Well, it doesn't mean to say I've got it.

They probably just want to see me again.

Well, that settles it, then.

We'll leave immediately.

What?

- Get your kit together. We're leaving in half an hour.

- Half an hour?

Don't be ridiculous.

I need at least an hour for lunch.

You've got a truck coming up.

About 200 yards.

Followed by a left slow hander.

This is insanity!

I can't keep this up!

Stay in this lane.

Bear right. Bear right.

What lane? What lane?

I can't see the f***ing lane.

Bear right! Bear right!

Bear right!

That's it. Next garage, I've gotta

do something about that wiper.

And I've got to get some sleep.

- What's going on?

- I'm making time.

Are you out of your mind? Pull over.

You haven't got a license.

No. I'm making time.

- Where are we?

- We're approaching London.

- Here comes another f***er.

- Oh, no!

Perfectly all right.

Leave him to me.

You're full of scotch,

you silly tool.

A bit early in the morning

for festivities, isn't it?

These aren't mine.

They belong to him.

- You're drunk.

- I assure you I'm not, officer.

Honestly,

I've only had a few ales.

Out of the car... please.

Sir.

I want you to take one

deep breath and fill this bag.

- Are you refusing to fill this bag?

- I most certainly am.

- I'm placing you under arrest.

- Don't be ridiculous. I haven't done anything.

- Come on.

- Look here, my cousin's a QC.

Get in the back of the van!

Hey, sarge,

what's that clown doing?

- Where's our checks?

- Didn't sign on.

That wouldn't make any difference

in last week's payments.

What are you doing in my bed?

- I've been asleep.

- Who is the huge spade in the bath?

Presuming Ed.

You've got ten minutes, right?

I want you out 'cause I want to get in.

Ten minutes, right?

You better be on your feet.

- How did you get in?

- Ingenuity, man.

Come up the drain pipe.

- Would you like a smoke?

- Yes.

No, thanks.

I've got a call to make.

What are you gonna do

with those?

The joint I'm about to roll

requires a craftsman.

It can utilize up to 12 skins.

It is called

a Camberwell Carrot.

It's impossible to use

It's impossible to make

a Camberwell Carrot with anything less.

- Who says it's a Camberwell Carrot?

- I do.

I invented it in Camberwell,

and it looks like a carrot.

Do you realize this gaff's

overwhelmed with rodents?

When I come in, I seen one

the size of a f***ing dog.

That is a dog. Belongs

to the fellow downstairs.

Does his dog get in the oven?

- No, his dog doesn't come up here.

- Then it was a rodent.

Opened the oven door, and

it was in there looking at me.

Quite freaked me at the time.

I was gonna cook onions.

- Are you going to bed now?

- No.

Phone.

- Who's he going to telephone?

- Squat Betty.

His agent. He's wasting his time

because he won't be in.

This'll tend

to make you very high.

This grass is the most powerful

in the Western Hemisphere.

I have it specially flown in

from my man in Mexico.

He's an expert.

His name is Juan.

This grass grows at exactly

You got the part, man?

I got a different one.

They want me to play the lead.

- Congratulations.

- Where exactly have you two been?

- Holiday in the countryside.

- That's a very good idea.

London is a country

coming down from its trip.

We are 91 days

from the end of this decade,

and there's gonna be

a lot of refugees.

They'll be goin' round this town

shoutin', "Bring out your dead. "

There was a geezer around here

the other day lookin' for you.

- What geezer?

- Some bald geezer.

Reckons you owe him 266 quid

back rent.

I told him there's no question of payin'

rent on a property cut with rodents.

He takes exception to this.

Starts comin' on really bald

with me.

- You mean ratty.

- I told him to piss off.

You bloody fool.

We'll end up in court again.

- No we won't. It ain't legal.

- I assume we can quote you.

The law rather

appeals to me, actually.

Just high.

Stop laughing, Withnail.

This is serious.

No, it ain't. I looked into it,

studied the papers.

- What papers?

- Legal papers.

What papers, Danny?

He's got our checks.

What are you doing with these?

I was gonna cash 'em in for you.

For Christ's sake, Withnail, stop

laughing. This is a notice of eviction.

Will you stop laughing?

They wanna throw us out.

For God... Will you shut up, for

God's sake? You're giving me the fear.

Give me a downer, Danny.

My brain's capsizing.

- I've gone and f***ed my brain!

- Change, man.

Find your neutral space.

You've got a rush.

It will pass. Be seated.

Aren't you getting absurdly high?

Precisely the reason

I'm smokin' it.

I couldn't. I'm spaced.

Not as spaced as your rodents.

- Don't talk about them.

- I imagine they're talkin' to each other.

- What do you mean?

- I've dealt with 'em.

Dealt with 'em.

What the f*** do you mean?

Dosed 'em. I expect

they're dead down the drain.

Dead down the drain?

What have you done to them?

Given them all drugged onions.

Jesus Christ!

Why have you drugged their onions?

Sit down, man.

Take control.

Give me a Valium.

I'm getting the fear!

You have done something

to your brain.

You have made it high.

If I lay ten mils of Diazepam on you,

you will do something else to your brain.

You will make it low. Why trust

one drug and not the other?

That's politics, isn't it?

I'm gonna eat some sugar.

I recommend

you smoke some more grass.

No way. No f***ing way.

That is an unfortunate

political decision,

reflectin' these times.

- What are you talking about, Danny?

- Politics, man.

If you were hanging on

to a rising balloon,

you're presented

with a difficult decision...

let go before it's too late?

Or hang on

and keep getting higher?

Posing the question, how long

can you keep a grip on the rope?

They're sellin' hippie wigs

in Woolworth's, man.

The greatest decade in

the history of mankind is over.

And as Presuming Ed here

has so consistently pointed out...

we have failed

to paint it black.

My Dad'll pick up the boxes

in a week.

And he's gonna do something

about the car.

- I'm off now.

- Already?

But I've got us a bottle open.

I confiscated it

from Monty's supplies.

'53 Margaux.

Best of the century.

I'm sure he wouldn't resent us

a parting drink.

I can't, Withnail. I've gotta walk

Rate this script:5.0 / 3 votes