Worried About the Boy

John! John!

He won't come out of the car.

Is he definitely in there?

George, don't be a prat, not today!

How are we gonna get him out?

What are you looking at me for?

Think he might be upset

about something?

George, will you just open the door

so that we can talk about this?

Please?

Pretty please?

Open the bloody door!

The biggest day of our lives

and you're gonna ruin it!

Well, thank you! Thank you very much!

O'Dowd!

So, George, what do you wanna be?

Don't know.

What, no burning ambitions?

Fighter pilot? Hairdresser?

Captain of the England team?

Valery Singleton's sope on a rope?

I've had them all in here today.

Unemployment is on the rise.

You need a skill.

What can you do better than others?

Make-up.

It's not really a career choice though, is it?

At the end of each play it says: Make-up by...

Listen, sunshine, the future may seem

a long way off right now.

But you take one wrong step and

who knows where you might end up?

A dress?

You could knick anything you want

but you choose a dress?

You know, son, I was eighteen once.

I had brothel creepers, drapes,

the biggest cliff in the neighbourhood.

You know, I get it.

But this thing you're going through

right now it won't last forever.

Fashions come and go.

Fashion is what you adopt

when you don't know who you are.

Quentin Crisp said that.

Oh, the puff in the hat?

I don't pretend to know much,

but I do know this.

You are never going to achieve anything

in this life looking like that.

Who says I want to achieve anything?

I mean, why is everyone so obssesed

with how I am going to turn out?

Because we're worried about you.

We want the best for you.

Whatever is going to happen to me,

I don't think it's gonna happen here.

Is it down?

I'm pulling it!

Oh, hey, there!

Hi!

Just breathe in.

I am breathing in!

Nice pants!

Am I dreaming?

Why don't you pinch yourself?

Ouch!

Alright, George?

Is this yours?

Isn't she brilliant?

She?!

It's Marilyn Monroe!

What's that made me? Betty Davis?

What's its real name?

Norma Jeane.

What are you wearing?

It's a go for two hundred quid in sex.

Found a suit in a wedding hire shop

and cut up an old kilt with the straps.

I'm sure that would be very

outrageous back home in Trumpton.

Out!

What are you, exactly?

You're not a punk. Too much make-up.

Even for a maud.

And I think we can rule out

skinhead or hippie.

Glam, perhaps?

Well, I'm nothing.

Which is why I can look good in anything.

Anything?

What have we stumbled upon here?

A boy, is it?

A boy with mascara.

Take a good look.

Would you let this in?

Go home. Make an effort.

And here they line up. The Wacky Races.

Penelope Pitstop, Peter Perfect,

the Gruesome Twosome, the Ant Hill Mob.

And I guess that makes you

Dick Dastardly. Or Muttley, perhaps?

No, there's a shortage of pricks

in London tonight.

So good of you to get a coach from

the valleys of make-up to short the fall.

We're very busy tonight.

That's because they've all come

to look at me, you Welsh f***!

You can smell the f***ing muffballs from here.

Why isn't anyone making an effort?

I mean, it's worse than last week.

TBH.

To be had.

Excuse me! Sorry!

Just let me get to the bog. Thank you!

Hey, there's a queue here.

I'll go this way.

Last train to Clarksville?

No, thanks, darling, but give my love

to Vicious and Joplin when you see them.

Sorry, I was just wanting to...

Don't appologise, you fool, keep going.

Further allegations regarding the pop

star Boy George have emerged today.

Following the revelations in the Sunday

newspaper by his younger brother David

George! George!

Fine f***in' day, how are you?

Are you going to buy some drugs, George?

Not unless they started selling scag in TESCO-s.

How are you feeling today?

Just the same as almost three seconds

ago when you asked me that.

Why do you think your brother grassed

you up? Maybe he's a compulsive liar.

Are you taking drugs, George?

No, why, are you?

They're offering 50.000 pounds to

anyone who can prove you're on heroine.

Well, for that sort of money

I just might take it up.

Is that a confession?

I'm not a drug addict.

I'm a drag addict.

If you're going to quote me on anything,

for God's sake make sure it's that.

Now, kindly, f*** off!

Go and pick on Wham for a change.

We're worried about you, George!

You really wanna help me?

I need milk, tea, sugar, weetabix...

Oh, yeah, and some coke.

Get the fizzy brown one, alright?

Message for the fans, George?

Hey, darling!

Come here!

Oh, f***!

Don't walk away!

I wanna talk to you.

Come here, darling, I'm talking to you!

You want some? Come on, come here!

I wanna see you!

Hey, leave her alone!

Go on, sod off!

What's your problem?

It's got nothing to do with you, is it?

Freaks!

You must be my knight in camouflaged armour!

I'm not really gay.

Oh, it's ok, I'm not really a nun!

Let's just say I memorised every

name and number from A to D.

You're a f***in' fantasist!

What's this then?

You could have done that yourself!

You're accusing me of sucking

my own neck?

No, I'm saying you could have

pinched it there yourself

to make it look like a love bite.

That's not even possible.

Yeah, it is! Watch.

What are you, homos, doing?

A scientific experiment to prove that

George is a lying little poof.

Yeah, well, you'll meet him at the party

and then you'll see.

Party!

Alright, darling? How are you doing?

Alright?

Has anyone seen Vernon?

I need to f*** someone.

Oh, God...

Vernon!

Go right in, mate.

Hey, darling, have you seen Vernon?

No?

Oops, sorry, has anyone seen...?

Shut the door, George!

There's a breeze out enough with chuff.

George!

George, come here!

George!

Sorry, is it my turn already? How do you

want me? Up the stairs or in the crapper?

I tried to tell you, mate.

Oh, yeah? Tell me what?

Well, you know.

No, I don't know. Tell me what?

What, do you wear your mama's pearls

or you secretly listen to Billy Joel records?

I'm straight.

Well, you might have mumbled

something while I was in your mouth.

Was that what you were trying to say?

Listen up, everybody!

Without any doubt, Vernon here

is straight! 100% hetero!

Shut up!

Or what?

You shouldn't have done that.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

How does it feel to have your ass

kicked by a fairy?

Why can I only ever pull straight guys?

Because gay men don't find you

attractive.

They f***in' do!

Gay men think you're too much.

You pattle of what a straight man

thinks a gay man looks like.

Why are you in my room?

I came to cheer you up.

Dad?

I'll just go and boil a kettle or something.

Very nice.

You're wet.

It's raining beer in a blad line.

What are you doing here?

I'm working nearby.

I promised your mommy

I'd drop in and see how you're getting on.

I called in to your office yesterday.

They invented a machine to replace me.

You should get one.

Now just drop the wisecracks

for one minute, will you?

I'm not one of your friends.

Yeah, I'll find something else.

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